Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause

Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause

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by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant
     
 

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you might be menopausal if . . .

You buy your antiperspirant in six-packs. You hire a towel boy. You know the calcium content in a pitcher of piña coladas. You can pick your colon out of a lineup.

Tackling “the change of life” with bravery and a wry sense of humor, comedienne Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant celebrates the lighter (and

Overview

you might be menopausal if . . .

You buy your antiperspirant in six-packs. You hire a towel boy. You know the calcium content in a pitcher of piña coladas. You can pick your colon out of a lineup.

Tackling “the change of life” with bravery and a wry sense of humor, comedienne Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant celebrates the lighter (and hopefully cooler) side of menopause in this daring little book. Combining laugh-out-loud musings with retro photographs and bold graphics, Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause may make you laugh, cry, swear, sweat, binge, and steal—all at the same time. And the book doubles as a fan in a pinch.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“Any woman familiar with the exciting realities of menopause—and the ways it can whack us upside the head—will love this very funny book.” —Jan Eliot, creator of the comic strip Stone Soup

“Leigh Anne will make you laugh so hard about hot flashes and hormone rages, you’ll tinkle in your pants or shoot soda out your nose!” —Laurie Notaro, author of The Idiot Girl’s Action Adventure Club And There’s A Slight Chance I Might Be Going To Hell

“The perfect groovy girlfriend gift.” —Dotsie Bregel, founder of the National Association of Baby Boomer Women

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781587613265
Publisher:
Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony
Publication date:
09/28/2008
Pages:
112
Product dimensions:
6.10(w) x 7.20(h) x 0.60(d)

Read an Excerpt

NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MENOPAUSE


By LEIGH ANNE JASHEWAY-BRYANT
CELESTIAL ARTS
Copyright © 2008

Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant
All right reserved.


ISBN: 978-1-58761-326-5



Chapter One You might be menopausal if ...

Your little black dress is made from TERRY CLOTH.

You know the calcium content in a pitcher of piña coladas.

YOU USE SO MUCH MOISTURIZER THAT YOU SLIDE OFF THE FURNITURE.

You refer to your best friend as HELLO my name is What's Her Name

Ever since the doctor took you off hormones, you've been wearing a nicotine patch, a motion sickness patch, and a bicycle patch.

You add powdered fiber to beer.

Your husband dumps ice water on you, and you consider it foreplay.

You keep getting thank-you notes from the local homeless shelter for all the blankets you've donated.

Your husband has learned how to say I'm sorry in eight different languages.

You eat your frozen dinner before it thaws.

You refer to your youngest child as "MY LAST FERTILE EGG."

The pregnancy indicator stick reads, "YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE!"

You scare your kids more than they scare you.

You know that a Popsicle can cool you off in more ways than one.

You forget to take your vitamins but remember the name of the guy who didn't ask you to the prom.

When your husband proposes a romantic vacation, you suggest ice fishing.

Once a month you fake PMS.

Your cell phone ring tone is the theme from JAWS.

You wear a miniskirt and high heels to buy your mom's bladder control underwear so the cashiers don't think they're for you.

Your husband wears a cup to bed.

You're not getting back on your scale until gravity shifts back to normal.

You have a recipe for soybeans and wieners.

You hire a towel boy.

YOU BUY RAWHIDE CHEWS, BUT YOU DON'T OWN A DOG.

You know you'll never eat for two again-and that makes you hungry.

You put cayenne pepper in everything you cook so your family will stop turning up the thermostat.

You recently held up a pharmacy with a note that said, "give me all your hormones and no one gets hurt!"

Despite joining the Witness Protection Program, you've been tracked down by the AARP.

You consider sleeping to be a weight-bearing exercise.

You've done millions of stomach crunches, but only your floor is flatter.

You binge on milk, hoping the cows it came from were injected with hormones.

You criticize your mother (instead of vice versa) and she doesn't talk back!

When you say "My friend is visiting," there are actually suitcases in your guest room.

Now that there's no chance of you being pregnant, people keep asking you if you are.

YOU'VE DISCOVERED THAT MELTING PLASTIC DOLLS IS A GREAT WAY TO MANAGE STRESS.

Last Halloween you dressed up as Lizzy Borden.

You tell all your children they're not your favorite.

You Find the 11 g 17% Labels on 7 g 35% Chocolate Bars to Be 0 g Steamier Than 5 mg 1% Romance 25 mg 1% Novels 27 g 9%

You make candy apples with those caramel calcium chews.

You don't do extreme sports because they pale in comparison Your book club is just an excuse to sit around and drink soy milk.

You can pick your colon out of a lineup.

You could play Thelma AND Louise in the sequel.

You've discovered that there's no such thing as waterproof mascara.

You know how much ice cream it takes to get your RDA of calcium.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MENOPAUSE by LEIGH ANNE JASHEWAY-BRYANT
Copyright © 2008 by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Leigh Anne Jasheway-bryant is a humor writer, comedy instructor, stand-up comic, former radio host, and the author of fourteen books, including Bedtime Stories for Dogs and Bedtime Stories for Cats. She lives in Eugene, Oregon.

THE AUTHOR SCOOP

If you had a superpower, what would it be?
I do have a superpower – I can make people laugh when they’d rather cry. We all have this superpower, but I have the outfit that goes with it.

When did you know you were a writer?
When I found myself scribbling on the walls at home with a purple crayon and demanding my mother not to wipe it off because I might be famous some day and she’d be sorry.

Are you “six degrees” of separation away from anyone famous?
I’m two degrees away from Kevin Bacon! I was on The Leeza Gibbons show with Mo Gaffney who used to play the therapist on Mad About You and was on an episode in which Kevin Bacon appeared as well.

How do you cheer up when you’re feeling down?
I take my three wiener dogs and the two loaner wiener dogs from down the street for a walk. If walking five wiener dogs doesn’t put a smile on your face, you might need medication.

What did you want to be when you grew up?
Secretary of the Interior. Then I found out it didn’t involve throw pillows and wallpaper.

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