Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat: How to Stop Worrying About Your Body and Have Great Sex: The Sex Advice Book for Women with Body Image Issues

Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat: How to Stop Worrying About Your Body and Have Great Sex: The Sex Advice Book for Women with Body Image Issues

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by Michael Alvear
     
 

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The advice and techniques every woman needs to help her shed her body issues and revel in an intimate relationship Fifty percent of women have put off sex—even when they're in the mood—because they felt too fat. Women of all shapes and sizes share an alarming anxiety: a body image that's causing conflict in their relationships. This book will help

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Overview

The advice and techniques every woman needs to help her shed her body issues and revel in an intimate relationship Fifty percent of women have put off sex—even when they're in the mood—because they felt too fat. Women of all shapes and sizes share an alarming anxiety: a body image that's causing conflict in their relationships. This book will help women reconnect with their sensual selves and put them back on the path to greater intimacy.


Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat reveals:

• Innovative advice that quiets the mind enough to enhance desire

• Sexual anchoring techniques ("The 25% Factor") that increase receptivity to sex

• Stories from real women struggling with bedroom body consciousness

Editorial Reviews

"A much needed and highly recommended book for any female who finds herself focusing on perceived body flaws to the detriment of her sex life and relationship... a must-read for any woman who's ever worried whether her body is good enough -- and isn't that most of us?
" - Tracey Cox, international bestselling author of Hot Sex

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781402272561
Publisher:
Sourcebooks
Publication date:
05/07/2013
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
240
Sales rank:
340,853
File size:
1 MB

Read an Excerpt

Introduction


Oh my god, he’s touching it.


Sound familiar? Just about every body-conscious woman says something like that to herself at some point during sex. The “it,” of course, is the part of your body you don’t like. Sometimes this is just a passing thought, but sometimes that thought gets stuck, sets up camp, and gives birth to hundreds of others like it.


You start thinking things like “I’m too fat to have sex,” even though you’re objectively average-sized. You tell friends you’re not having sex till you’re a size six. You put conditions on sex. You wear cover-up clothing. You only have sex with the lights out. You only get in positions that prevent your partner from looking at or touching certain parts of your body. Your partner starts getting a little tired of “conditional sex” and now you start having “duty sex” to avoid losing him or getting into terrible arguments. What you used to enjoy you now endure. Pretty soon your desire for any sex, conditional or not, goes away. Or your libido stays high but self-judgment paralyzes your enjoyment of making love.


Studies in academic periodicals and popular surveys show that this is an alarming trend—millions of women are losing their libido or putting off sex, even when they’re in the mood—because they feel like they’re too fat. Notice that last part—it’s not because they are fat, but because they think they are. The problem is so bad that a study in the Journal of Sex Research concluded that how you feel about your body has more of an influence on sexual functioning than even menopause! Bedroom body shame is ruining sex for a growing number of women, from the petite to the plus size. They are seeing their sex lives fall off the cliff, taking their relationships along with them.


As the co-host of HBO’s Sex Inspectors, a sex makeover series that helped couples improve their love lives, I have seen the damage that bedroom body shame can do to a relationship. In one heartbreaking episode, Sarah, who in no way, shape, or form could be considered fat, was so ashamed of her “jiggly thighs” that she would only have sex in the missionary position, and then only when the lights were out. She could only enjoy sex when her boyfriend couldn’t see her body. She avoided sex more and more as a way of protecting herself, but all she managed to do was drive her boyfriend away.


Sarah had to face the fact that sexual body consciousness was threatening her relationship (and if she’d been single, it would have impinged on her ability to establish one). Diminished sexual satisfaction across time predicts the likelihood of a divorce or a breakup. Lack of sex, or the inability to enjoy it, closes you off to the kind of closeness, meaning, and connection that form the basis of relationships.


On the show I worked with all kinds of couples. Some of the women worked, some stayed at home. Some were single, some were married. Some were childless, some had children. Some were thin, some were average-sized. None were overweight but it didn’t matter—they all struggled with some level of body shame in the bedroom. “I don’t deserve sex,” one woman told me. “Not without a flat belly.” I can’t think of anything you can say to yourself that could be so cruel. Or so wrong. Yet every night, millions of women say some version of this to themselves when their husbands and boyfriends try to express their love physically.


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