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REVISED AND UPDATED WITH NEW MATERIAL ON CYBERBULLYING AND HELPING GIRLS HANDLE THE DANGERS OF LIFE ONLINE
When Odd Girl Out was first published, it became an instant bestseller and ignited a long-overdue conversation about the hidden culture of female bullying. Today the dirty looks, taunting notes, and social exclusion that plague girls’ friendships have gained new momentum in cyberspace.
In this updated edition, educator and bullying expert Rachel Simmons gives girls, parents, and educators proven and innovative strategies for navigating social dynamics in person and online, as well as brand new classroom initiatives and step-by-step parental suggestions for dealing with conventional bullying. With up-to-the-minute research and real-life stories, Odd Girl Out continues to be the definitive resource on the most pressing social issues facing girls today.
READING GROUP GUIDE AND TEACHER’S GUIDE available at www.marinnerreadersguides.com
RACHEL SIMMONS, best-selling author of Odd Girl Speaks Out and The Curse of the Good Girl, is an educator and cofounder of the Girls Leadership Institute. A Rhodes Scholar, she has appeared on Today, Oprah, and other major shows, including her own PBS special, and writes frequently for Teen Vogue.
www.rachelsimmons.com
chapter one
the hidden culture of aggression in girls
The Linden School campus is nestled behind a web of sports fields that seem to hold at bay the bustling city in which it resides. On Monday morning in the Upper School building, students congregated languidly,
catching up on the weekend, while others sat knees-to-chest on the floor, flipping through three-ring binders, cramming for tests.
The students were dressed in styles that ran the gamut from trendy to what can only be described, at this age, as defiant. Watching them,
it is easy to forget this school is one of the best in the region, its students anything but superficial. This is what I came to love about Linden:
it celebrates academic rigor and the diversity of its students in equal parts. Over the course of a day with eight groups of ninth graders, I began each meeting with the same question: “What are some of the differences between the ways guys and girls are mean?”
From periods one through eight, I heard the same responses.
Girls can turn on you for anything,” said one. “Girls whisper,” said another. “They glare at you.” With growing certainty, they fired out answers:
“Girls are secretive.”
“They destroy you from the inside.”
“Girls are manipulative.”
“There’s an aspect of evil in girls that there isn’t in boys.”
“Girls target you where they know you’re weakest.”
“Girls do a lot behind each other’s backs.”
“Girls plan and premeditate.”
“With guys you know where you stand.”
“I feel a lot safer with guys.”
In bold, matter-of-fact voices, girls described themselves to me as disloyal, untrustworthy, and sneaky. They claimed girls use intimacy to manipulate and overpower others. They said girls are fake, using each other to move up the social hierarchy. They described girls as unforgiving and crafty, lying in wait for a moment of revenge that will catch the unwitting target off guard and, with an almost savage eye-for-an-eye mentality, “make her feel the way I felt.”
The girls’ stories about their conflicts were casual and at times filled with self-hatred. In almost every group session I held, someone volunteered her wish to have been born a boy because boys can
“fight and have it be over with.”
Girls tell stories of their anger in a culture that does not define their behaviors as aggression. As a result, their narratives are filled with destructive myths about the inherent duplicity of females. As poet and essayist Adrienne Rich notes,4 “We have been depicted as generally whimsical, deceitful, subtle, vacillating.”
Since the dawn of time, women and girls have been portrayed as jealous and underhanded, prone to betrayal, disobedience, and secrecy.
Lacking a public identity or language, girls’ nonphysical aggression is called “catty,” “crafty,” “evil,” and “cunning.” Rarely the object of research or critical thought, this behavior is seen as a natural phase in girls’ development. As a result, schools write off girls’
conflicts as a rite of passage, as simply “what girls do.”
What would it mean to name girls’ aggression? Why have myths and stereotypes served us so well and so long?
Aggression is a powerful barometer of our social values. According to sociologist Anne Campbell, attitudes toward aggression crys-
tallize sex roles, or the idea that we expect certain responsibilities to be assumed by males and females because of their sex.5 Riot grrls and women’s soccer notwithstanding, Western society still expects boys to become family providers and protectors, and girls to be nurturers and mothers. Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity; it enables men to control their environment and livelihoods. For better or for worse, boys enjoy total access to the rough and tumble. The link begins early: the popularity of boys is in large part determined by their willingness to play rough. They get peers’ respect for athletic prowess, resisting authority, and acting tough, troublesome, dominating,
cool, and confident.
On the other side of the aisle, females are expected to mature into caregivers, a role deeply at odds with aggression. Consider the ideal of the “good mother”: She provides unconditional love and care for her family, whose health and daily supervision are her primary objectives.
Her daughters are expected to be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” They are to be sweet, caring, precious, and tender.
“Good girls” have friends, and lots of them. As nine-year-old Noura told psychologists Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, perfect girls have “perfect relationships.”6 These girls are caretakers in training. They “never have any fights . . . and they are always together.
. . . Like never arguing, like ‘Oh yeah, I totally agree with you.’” In depressing relationships, Noura added, “someone is really jealous and starts being really mean. . . . [It’s] where two really good friends break up.”
A “good girl,” journalist Peggy Orenstein observes in Schoolgirls,
is “nice before she is anything else—before she is vigorous, bright,
even before she is honest.” She described the “perfect girl” as
the girl who has no bad thoughts or feelings, the kind of person everyone wants to be with. . . . [She is] the girl who speaks quietly,
calmly, who is always nice and kind, never mean or bossy. . . . She reminds young women to silence themselves rather than speak their true feelings, which they come to consider “stupid,” “selfish,”
“rude,” or just plain irrelevant.7
“Good girls,” then, are expected not to experience anger. Aggression endangers relationships, imperiling a girl’s ability to be caring and “nice.” Aggression undermines who girls have been raised to become.
Calling the anger of girls by its name would therefore challenge the most basic assumptions we make about “good girls.” It would also reveal what the culture does not entitle them to by defining what nice really means: Not aggressive. Not angry. Not in conflict.
Research confirms that parents and teachers discourage the emergence of physical and direct aggression in girls early on while the skirmishing of boys is either encouraged or shrugged off.8 In one example,
a 1999 University of Michigan study found that girls were told to be quiet, speak softly, or use a “nicer” voice about three times more often than boys, even though the boys were louder. By the time they are of school age, peers solidify the fault lines on the playground,
creating social groups that value niceness in girls and toughness in boys.
The culture derides aggression in girls as unfeminine, a trend explored in chapter four. “Bitch,” “lesbian,” “frigid,” and “manly” are just a few of the names an assertive girl hears. Each epithet points out the violation of her prescribed role as a caregiver: the bitch likes and is liked by no one; the lesbian loves not a man or children but another woman; the frigid woman is cold, unable to respond sexually;
and the manly woman is too hard to love or be loved.
Girls, meanwhile, are acutely aware of the culture’s double standard.
They are not fooled into believing this is the so-called postfeminist age, the girl power victory lap. The rules are different for boys, and girls know it. Flagrant displays of aggression are punished with social rejection.
At Sackler Day School, I was eating lunch with sixth graders during recess, talking about how teachers expected them to behave at school. Ashley, silver-rimmed glasses snug on her tiny nose, looked very serious as she raised her hand.
“They expect us to act like girls back in the 1800s!” she said indignantly.
Everyone cracked up.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, sometimes they’re like, you have to respect each other, and treat other people how you want to be treated. But that’s not how life is. Everyone can be mean sometimes and they’re not even realizing it. They expect that you’re going to be so nice to everyone and you’ll be so cool. Be nice to everyone!” she mimicked, her suddenly loud voice betraying something more than sarcasm.
“But it’s not true,” Nicole said. The room is quiet.
“Anyone else?” I asked.
“They expect you to be perfect. You’re nice. When boys do bad stuff, they all know they’re going to do bad stuff. When girls do it,
they yell at them,” Dina said.
“Teachers think that girls should be really nice and sharing and not get in any fights. They think it’s worse than it really is,” Shira added.
“They expect you to be perfect angels and then sometimes we don’t want to be considered a perfect angel,” Laura noted.
“The teacher says if you do something good, you’ll get something good back, and then she makes you feel like you really should be,”
Ashley continued. “I try not to be mean to my sister or my mom and dad, and I wake up the next day and I just do it naturally. I’m not an angel! I try to be focused on it, but then I wake up the next day and I’m cranky.”
In Ridgewood, I listened to sixth graders muse about what teachers expect from girls. Heather raised her hand.
“They just don’t . . .” She stopped. No one picked up the slack.
“Finish the sentence,” I urged.
“They expect you to be nice like them, like they supposedly are,
but . . .”
“But what?”
“We’re not.”
“I don’t go around being like goody-goody,” said Tammy.
“What does goody-goody mean?” I asked.
“You’re supposed to be sitting like this”—Tammy crossed her legs and folded her hands primly over her knees—”the whole time.”
“And be nice—and don’t talk during class,” said Torie.
“Do you always feel nice?” I asked.
“No!” several of them exclaimed.
“So what happens?”
“It’s like you just—the bad part controls over your body,”
Tammy said. “You want to be nice and you want to be bad at the same time, and the bad part gets to you. You think”—she contorted her face and gritted her teeth—”I have to be nice.”
“You just want to tell them to shut up! You just feel like pushing them out of the way and throwing them on the ground!” said Brittney.
“I wanted to do it like five hundred times last year to this girl. If I didn’t push her, I just walked off and tried to stay calm.”
Contents
Foreword xv Introduction 1
Chapter One: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls 15
Chapter Two: Intimate Enemies 39
Chapter Three: The Truth Hurts 67
Chapter Four: Bff 2.0: Cyberbullying and Cyberdrama 103
Chapter Five: She’s All That 145
Chapter Six: The Bully in the Mirror 171
Chapter Seven: Popular 197
Chapter Eight: Resistance 219
Chapter Nine: Parents Speak 245
Chapter Ten: Helping Her through Drama, Bullying, and Everything in Between 269
Chapter Eleven: Raising Girls in a Digital Age 313
Chapter Twelve: The Road Ahead for Educators and Administrators 335
Conclusion 359
Notes 369
Bibliography 377
Acknowledgments 387
Index 391
About The Book 397
About The Author 399
Discussion Questions 401
Tips To Further Enhance Your Reading of Odd Girl Out 405
The Linden School campus is nestled behind a web of sports fields that seem to hold at bay the bustling city in which it resides. On Monday morning in the Upper School building, students congregated languidly, catching up on the weekend, while others sat knees-to-chest on the floor, flipping through three-ring binders, cramming for tests. The students were dressed in styles that ran the gamut from trendy to what can only be described, at this age, as defiant. Watching them, it is easy to forget this school is one of the best in the region, its students anything but superficial. This is what I came to love about Linden: it celebrates academic rigor and the diversity of its students in equal parts. Over the course of a day with eight groups of ninth graders, I began each meeting with the same question: "What are some of the differences between the ways guys and girls are mean?"
From periods one through eight, I heard the same responses. "Girls can turn on you for anything," said one. "Girls whisper," said another. "They glare at you." With growing certainty, they fired out answers:
"Girls are secretive."
"They destroy you from the inside."
"Girls are manipulative."
"There's an aspect of evil in girls that there isn't in boys."
"Girls target you where they know you're weakest."
"Girls do a lot behind each other's backs."
"Girls plan and premeditate."
"With guys you know where you stand."
"I feel a lot safer with guys."
In bold, matter-of-fact voices, girls described themselves to me as disloyal, untrustworthy, and sneaky. They claimed girls use intimacy to manipulate and overpower others. They said girls are fake, using each other to move up the social hierarchy. They described girls as unforgiving and crafty, lying in wait for a moment of revenge that will catch the unwitting victim off guard and, with an almost savage eye-for-an-eye mentality, "make her feel the way I felt."
The girls' stories about their conflicts were casual and at times filled with self-hatred. In almost every group session I held, someone volunteered her wish to have been born a boy because boys can "fight and have it be over with."
Girls tell stories of their anger in a culture that does not define their behaviors as aggression. As a result, their narratives are filled with destructive myths about the inherent duplicity of females. As poet and essayist Adrienne Rich notes,2 "We have been depicted as generally whimsical, deceitful, subtle, vacillating."
Since the dawn of time, women and girls have been portrayed as jealous and underhanded, prone to betrayal, disobedience, and secrecy. Lacking a public identity or language, girls' nonphysical aggression is called "catty," "crafty," "evil," and "cunning." Rarely the object of research or critical thought, this behavior is seen as a natural phase in girls' development. As a result, schools write off girls' conflicts as a rite of passage, as simply "what girls do."
What would it mean to name girls' aggression? Why have myths and stereotypes served us so well and so long?
Aggression is a powerful barometer of our social values. According to sociologist Anne Campbell, attitudes toward aggression crystallize sex roles, or the idea that we expect certain responsibilities to be assumed by males and females because of their sex.3 Riot grrls and women's soccer notwithstanding, Western society still expects boys to become family providers and protectors, and girls to be nurturers and mothers. Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity; it enables men to control their environment and livelihoods. For better or for worse, boys enjoy total access to the rough and tumble. The link begins early: the popularity of boys is in large part determined by their willingness to play rough. They get peers' respect for athletic prowess, resisting authority, and acting tough, troublesome, dominating, cool, and confident.
On the other side of the aisle, females are expected to mature into caregivers, a role deeply at odds with aggression. Consider the ideal of the "good mother": She provides unconditional love and care for her family, whose health and daily supervision are her primary objectives. Her daughters are expected to be "sugar and spice and everything nice." They are to be sweet, caring, precious, and tender.
"Good girls" have friends, and lots of them. As nine-year-old Noura told psychologists Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, perfect girls have "perfect relationships."4 These girls are caretakers in training. They "never have any fights...and they are always together....Like never arguing, like 'Oh yeah, I totally agree with you.'" In depressing relationships, Noura added, "someone is really jealous and starts being really mean....[It's] where two really good friends break up."
A "good girl," journalist Peggy Orenstein observes in Schoolgirls, is "nice before she is anything else-before she is vigorous, bright, even before she is honest." She described the "perfect girl" as the girl who has no bad thoughts or feelings, the kind of person everyone wants to be with....[She is] the girl who speaks quietly, calmly, who is always nice and kind, never mean or bossy....She reminds young women to silence themselves rather than speak their true feelings, which they come to consider "stupid," "selfish," "rude," or just plain irrelevant.5
"Good girls," then, are expected not to experience anger. Aggression endangers relationships, imperiling a girl's ability to be caring and "nice." Aggression undermines who girls have been raised to become.
Calling the anger of girls by its name would therefore challenge the most basic assumptions we make about "good girls." It would also reveal what the culture does not entitle them to by defining what nice really means: Not aggressive. Not angry. Not in conflict.
Research confirms that parents and teachers discourage the emergence of physical and direct aggression in girls early on while the skirmishing of boys is either encouraged or shrugged off.6 In one example, a 1999 University of Michigan study found that girls were told to be quiet, speak softly, or use a "nicer" voice about three times more often than boys, even though the boys were louder. By the time they are of school age, peers solidify the fault lines on the playground, creating social groups that value niceness in girls and toughness in boys.
The culture derides aggression in girls as unfeminine, a trend explored in chapter four. "Bitch,""lesbian," "frigid," and "manly" are just a few of the names an assertive girl hears. Each epithet points out the violation of her prescribed role as a caregiver: the bitch likes and is liked by no one; the lesbian loves not a man or children but another woman; the frigid woman is cold, unable to respond sexually; and the manly woman is too hard to love or be loved.
Girls, meanwhile, are acutely aware of the culture's double standard. They are not fooled into believing this is the so-called post-feminist age, the girl power victory lap. The rules are different for boys, and girls know it. Flagrant displays of aggression are punished with social rejection.
Reading Group Guide prepared by Scott Pitcock
McIntyrescollcompEMS
Posted January 20, 2009
"Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons deserves a five star rating. This book is so accurate on the hidden aggression in girls. Rachel Simmons is right on when she talks about why girls are so sneaky and why they treat each other so badly. She also talks about the different ways girls take each other down, the most common way is going right for the self esteem and then secluding them so they feel all alone. "Odd Girl Out" teaches parents of girls to look for the signs and don't just blow them off because it can be a big problem. This book is full of stories and interviews of girls who have been the bully or have been bullied and how they dealt with situations. I would recommend this book to every girl and every parent raising a girl.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 15, 2009
I Also Recommend:
Rachel Simmons' Odd Girl Out was an eye-opening read to say the least. Speaking as an 18 year old girl, I understood a lot of the things that were mentioned in the book. The mean giggling and loathing glances, the pretending to be friends and then gossiping behind the back, the cold-shoulder, all are things I'm sure we can relate to, whether we were victim or bully. This book was incredibly informative and revealed a lot about the true nature of girls and how, contrary to popular belief, they are capable of cruelty just like boys. The vivid way that Simmons' described her experiences with the girls was enjoyable to read, and I found myself truly understanding and connecting with a lot of their stories. Whether you're a teenage girl going through the same things, or a parent trying to figure out 'what's going on' Odd Girl Out will open your eyes and give an in-depth look at girl bullying in ways you've never imagined. Read the book; it's an experience you won't soon forget.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted December 28, 2010
I had to read this for a class and I was surprised how well I liked it. It gets a little repetitive at times, but i recommend it to anyone who is a future or current teacher, mother, or anyone else dealing with young and adolescent girls.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted November 11, 2010
I recently re-read this after reading The Twisted Sisterhood (in which the author references Rachel Simmons a few times). I'd also seen a feature on Simmons in the New York Times newspaper about the great work she does with girls. The book is as powerful the second time! I recommend to anyone with a young daughter. Great tips and food for thought.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 19, 2008
this book is amazing! it really tells you whats going on in some teenagers. I also recommend THE MOVIE its called the odd girl out! enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted October 23, 2006
All girls should read this, especially if they are being bullied. It shows how every girl has gone through some sort of bullying in their life. It also tells how they got through it and how it has affected them today. This book really helps explain why girls are the way they are and in a way that everyone can understand it. I loved all the personal stories from girls of all different ages. They really made the book move along and made it really interesting. Now, I notice different kinds of bullying and recognize things in real life that girls in this story really did and experienced. 'Odd Girl Out' has made me understand girl bullying in a whole new way.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted April 5, 2005
I loved the book when I read it.All the stuff in the book is true.Today girls are much meaner and agressive towards other girls.I know from experience since I too am a teenager.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted May 4, 2004
I read this book for a psychology project and fell in love. It opened my eyes to a world I was involved in, but didn't know existed. I now understand why girls act the way they do, and I now understand that I was not the only one who has had to suffer during my early adolecent years. I reccommend this book to teachers, parents, teenage girls, basically anyone who wants to understand the workings of the female mind.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 14, 2004
I passed this book to every parent and educator/administrator I knew. Especially valuable for men who may not understand this female culture and its consequences.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted March 13, 2003
Odd Girl Out is a wonderful book for moms, daughters, and teachers. Girls need a way to solve their own problems and moms and teachers need to know why the girls are getting in fights. This book explains all of the reasons. I was amazed at how much I agreed with everything that she wrote.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted August 26, 2002
Few are as obsessed with appearance and cliques as they are in adolescence, but the effects seem to be long lasting. What this book has helped me with (a recent college graduate) is to better understand why I have become so sensitive to certain issues with female friends. This book explains girls insecurities and their motives for being a bully, a follower, or a victim. The amazing thing that I discovered is that at one time or another, I have played all three roles. Instead of pinning the title on girls of either being a 'bad' or 'good' girl, we can educate them on what is going on (which is what this book does) and confront it if the bullying occurs.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted October 7, 2002
I really do have to say that I recommend this book to other teenagers my age, mothers, fathers and teachers. I was able to relate with so many of the horrible stories the book talked about. I finally saw the other side of the girls who I saw everyday be involved with the aggression of girls. This book has made me not want to be like other "girls." For the rest of my senior year in high school I hope to share this book with my classmates to prevent the continuation of at least one girl being the odd girl out. Moms, share this book with your daughter/s so she too can see for herself what I was seen. US GIRLS CAN BE CRUEL. AND YES TOGETHER WE CAN PREVENT IT!!!!
1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted November 14, 2012
Whats the lexile? Doea anyone know?
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Posted August 28, 2012
This should be REQUIRED reading for educators in every school. As a parent of a child that was the "odd girl out" at times in her life, this book has given me knowledge and the tools to help my child through difficult points in her life. This book is worth its weight in gold.
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Posted April 7, 2012
I was once odd girl myself
When my coolest and awsomes bff was the just the train reck to my lif and later on she had just turn her back on me and started to become this person i dont know anymore i knew our friendship had to end
So when i read this book i was like this reminds me of my and use to be bff
So if u are betrad by a friend and hurt by them u should defenly read this book
Anonymous
Posted March 21, 2012
Im 11 and im also home schooled(if you wondering home schooling is fun!) So i don't have ad meny bullys in my life
But sum tims hormones git the best of me
And i havent read the book
0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
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Posted March 2, 2012
I know how it feels to be an odd girl out, i lost all og my hair the summer before my 6th grade year it wasnt fron cancer but it was from stress
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Posted July 11, 2009
This book help put into perspective some of the things my daughter has gone through in middle school. It was very honest and I appreciated the suggestions made. It also help me relax and not push my daughter into friendships that were toxic. As she goes into high school I'm sure I'll be rereading this.
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Posted November 13, 2007
An excellent guide for teenage girls who desire to acquire an understanding of girl aggression often displayed throughout middle school. This book definitely furthered my understanding of why girls bully each other the way they do (passing notes, whispering, dirty looks..). I recommend this book to anyone who wishes to understand the silent bullying that many girls participate in. Rachel Simmons combines her experiences with many other middle school aged girls to help understand this concept.
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Posted December 15, 2006
¿As girls grow up, friendship becomes as important as air¿ (Simmons 19). As girls grow, nothing is more important than their friends, yet they don¿t treat each other as valuable but rather as easily replaceable. Young girls are vicious bullies to each other, however this cannot be seen to the naked eye. Rachel Simmons was the target of bullying throughout her childhood. She wanted to find answers to why she was bullied, so Simmons ventured out to different middle schools all over the country to talk one on one with girls about their personal bullying situations. She writes of several stories these girls had shared with her. These stories are of the hidden attitude and behavior of girls such as the silent treatment, passing notes, mean looks, etc. By talking with the girls on a friendship level, Simmons is able to uncover some horrible experiences girls have been faced with.
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Overview
REVISED AND UPDATED WITH NEW MATERIAL ON CYBERBULLYING AND HELPING GIRLS HANDLE THE DANGERS OF LIFE ONLINE
When Odd Girl Out was first published, it became an instant bestseller and ignited a long-overdue conversation about the hidden culture of female bullying. Today the dirty looks, taunting notes, and social exclusion that plague girls’ friendships have gained new momentum in cyberspace.
In this updated edition, educator and bullying ...