On Hold

On Hold

by Bruce Baum
     
 
I want my ears back! What's next, my nose? When you call someone and they put you "on hold," they are in control of you. Maybe it's because I was raised in "the land of the free" that this irks everything irkable in me.

Would you allow a clerk in a store to grab you by the ears as soon as you walked in and hold you in place until they were ready to talk to you?

Overview

I want my ears back! What's next, my nose? When you call someone and they put you "on hold," they are in control of you. Maybe it's because I was raised in "the land of the free" that this irks everything irkable in me.

Would you allow a clerk in a store to grab you by the ears as soon as you walked in and hold you in place until they were ready to talk to you? While they talked to someone else? At the very least, that might be temporary involuntary imprisonment, or some kind of mild kidnapping. I think you could almost go to jail for that. Why then, do we allow, indeed, make it legal, on the phone? As angry as I got, I couldn't continue yelling at innocent furniture while I was "on hold." I'm sure it's bad for me, and it can't be good for my furniture.

In an effort to turn my aggravating conundrum into something possibly positive, I conducted, and funded with loose change, an independent experimental stress-
release study. When I was put "on hold," I would write. Whatever came to mind. Just let my head roam range-free. Short stories that I might come back to, quick thoughts, poems, blurps, ideas, frustrations -- whatever popped into my head was in-bounds. My phone and my computer would become my laboratory. My pants would remain my pants.

Therefore, this book is a diary, if you will, of my time spent "on hold" during Phase One of my amateur mental-health experiment, designed to turn frustrating hostility into an unfettered, rumpled voice.

A little taste of ON HOLD:

It was 892 and everyone was playing "Smack The Lout" invented by Dylan Puddler. "Tag, Your It" was his. So was "Ring Around The Rosey." His unsuccessful efforts include "Lick the Oaf and Make Him Cry," Hide The Fish" and "No, You Kiss It."

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781453662670
Publisher:
CreateSpace Publishing
Publication date:
07/31/2010
Pages:
122
Product dimensions:
7.50(w) x 9.25(h) x 0.26(d)

Meet the Author

It can finally be revealed that comedian Bruce Baum is the co-author and co-creator of the first three "Letters From A Nut" books, written under the pseudonym of Ted L. Nancy. Before that, Bruce was born and quickly raised and then appeared on a number of talk shows, sitcoms, dramas, game shows, and cable specials. Bruce has appeared on The Simpsons as himself, and is the creator of TheOuterNet.com. He also spent two years at Fox as resident short-filmmaker/sketch comedian on Sunday Comics and Comic Strip Live. He was then drafted by ABC's America's Funniest People where he appeared for two years in live and taped sketches. Characters Bruce has created include Babyman, Dimples the Cow, Chiaman, and of course, he is the co-creator of Ted L. Nancy. Bruce performs regularly at top venues and some not so top venues everywhere and at least thrice has been the answer in the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

A little taste of ON HOLD:

I believe The Bible says: "an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." But what if you get beat up by a blind, toothless guy? Can you just rip off one of his cheeks and call it even?
*****
Fencing should be called "stabbing."
If it was called stabbing, more people would watch.

*****

Here's the situation: You're in the Vatican in a pickup game of basketball and you're one of the captains choosing sides. Do you have to pick the Pope first if there's a better player available?

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