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From Chapter 11: Who can forget the hilarious scene in the quintessential romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan's character (Sally) fakes an orgasm in the middle of a diner to prove to Billy Crystal's character (Harry) it's easy for a woman to do so?
That comes after the conversation in which Sally suggests that Harry's girlfriends might have been faking their orgasms with him. To which Harry, full of bravado, replies that it's ridiculous; no woman's faked it with him.
"How do you know?" asks Sally.
"Because I do," replies Harry with disdain.
"Right. That's right. I forgot. You're a man."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. It's just that most men are sure it never happened to them and most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math."
"You don't think that I could tell the difference?"
She then proceeds to writhe and simulate an orgasm. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" she shouts, gasping, pounding her hands on the table while everyone watches, mesmerized. "Oh God! Oh God!" she shouts and feigns completion.
A waiter then approaches an older woman sitting in a nearby booth. Having watched intently, she tells the waiter: "I'll have what she's having."
...Along these lines there was also the Seinfeld episode ("The Mango") where Elaine reveals she faked her orgasms with Jerry.
JERRY: You faked it?
ELAINE: I faked it.
JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
ELAINE: Not bad huh?
JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
JERRY: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
ELAINE: Um, all the time.
Jerry later whines, "But I'm so good." (Often what most men think.) So Elaine tries to make Jerry feel better: "Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then."
...Those were two funny scenes. But they expose a prevalent problem.
Why do I know this is true? Many of my lovers have told me they'd never been given an orgasm by prior lovers. It's clear that many men are not skilled enough to give their women orgasms.
And that's undoubtedly one reason why many sexually dissatisfied women are faking it. Indiana University's National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (released in October 2010), for instance, reported that:
"About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event."
The study concluded that those numbers imply that up to 21% of women are faking their orgasms. (The survey respondents were largely college students, by the way.)
I think the true statistic is much higher. The ABC-TV American Sex Survey I introduced on page <?> said that 48% of their female respondents had faked an orgasm at least once. Another troubling statistic: just 30% of the women said they had an orgasm every time they had sex. The 2011 Playboy Reader Sex Survey's numbers were worse: 59% of the women in that poll said they had faked orgasms.
This is not good. There are consequences when a woman feels the need to fake it. The ABC study concluded:
"...people who aren't satisfied with their sexual relationship are by far the most likely to cheat on their spouse or partner."
Syndicated columnist Ian Kerner agrees. In a recent column, he wrote:
"...in my experience as a sex counselor, women who fake it consistently are also more likely to eventually stray...in search of sexual satisfaction."
Not surprising. In fact, many of my lovers have told me that they had left men because those lovers had failed to please them sexually.
And I can relate to why a woman might fake it. I once faked an orgasm - and got away with it, too!
Why? To get it over with. She was a lousy lover. She was like a dead fish. It was such a drag that I didn't feel like continuing. In fact, I broke up with her shortly afterward.
That experience gave me an insight into why some women resort to this tactic: to bring a quick end to boring or incompetent lovemaking while trying not to hurt their lover's feelings.
It also demonstrates how important a warning sign a symptom like this can be. If your lover is faking it, your very relationship could be at stake. You cannot afford to miss or ignore this red flag. So we need to discuss all the possible reasons a woman might fake it and how you should react.
By the way, if you're thinking your partner is faking it, you're not alone. Most men at some point in their lives fear their lover is faking it in bed.
The bad thing is that in the face of this fear, a man's imagination goes into overdrive. That inspires thoughts that can pose a threat to a relationship (and often needlessly). If you suspect your lover is faking the "Big O" you're likely to jump to conclusions and think you're a lousy lover (and/or feel she thinks you are). This can hurt your self confidence and sexual performance. Or it might make you angry. (And that would be regrettable.)
You also might conclude that your partner is being dishonest with you. Like a cancer, this suspicion can produce negative emotions that can destroy the foundation of trust essential to the success of any relationship.
So before you wreck your relationship on a hunch and lack of information, take a deep breath and relax. Let's look at this issue calmly.
Digest the information in this chapter before you act on your impulses. You might be misreading the situation and drawing the wrong conclusions. That might lead you to make wrong-headed accusations you'll regret later.
It is true that if she's faking it might mean your relationship is in jeopardy. She might not be getting what she wants from you in bed. (But if that's the case, don't you want to know it?) But it also might point to something else.
Is She Or Isn't She?
First things first. Are you really sure she's faking it? From what I hear, most men do not know how to tell if their lover's faking it or not - which leads to nagging fears (no doubt made worse by Meg Ryan's brilliant faked orgasm in When Harry Met Sally). That makes things more difficult.
So the question then becomes: How can you address this issue if you're not sure there's a problem? Fortunately, I can clear up that concern. I've given you some useful tips on page 84 on how to tell if she's faking it. Please read that section carefully.
(...And there's much more information to follow in the rest of Chapter 11.)
Excerpted from On Loving Women by James Moore (Copyright © 2012 by James Moore).
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.