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This is a book which is hard to write. The reason being it is a subject, that a lot of people have thought about and this topic is suicide.
During adolescence, I believe a large number of males and females, ponder the thought of what is the purpose of life. Why am I here? Is life worth living?
In young adulthood the same questions may arise. Sometimes there are different circumstances, negative circumstances such as the loss of love.
Even the word, "suicide" itself is void. It sends shockwaves through your mental and physical being. Has life dealt you a wrong hand of cards?
Would it be romantic to do it, meaning that you would be remembered as an icon, would that not be twisted thinking. To me it would be, the ultimate sin.
By no way should anyone take their life. I have to say this at the beginning of the book for the simple reason, please do not suicide, for what ever meaning or reason. It is not justifiable. Life as we know it has it's ups and downs. To take your life can be viewed as many things. Which are definitely not good. What is making me write this message, it is simple my older brother did it. Yes seven years of age difference.
As I keep on writing about it we will dig deeper and deeper into life and death. My mom and dad fell apart! My relatives fell apart! His female partners fell apart! I fell apart!
Sure you might think that his suffering was over but our suffering just began.
First off, you think, are the police right about this. Did he actually kill himself? Did he have enemies we did not know about? Did he get into to deep with the wrong people? The questions go on forever.
You analyze his life, in depth. You say to yourself I am going to look into this. We are going to find the answers. We are going to take this apart piece by piece.
You cry and cry and then get angry and cry some more.
We live in such a complex society the reason being, I believe, is do to the advent of medical advancements, technical advancements, such as computers, and multi tasking. Yes the pressure is on. You go to work, but first you have to get there and hope that there is no road rage. You say to your neighbour good morning and the next thing you know is that you are racing with him to get to work, a part of road rage.
I do not want to get off topic but society is moving much to fast. The wars that rage, the indifference that man holds against each other. We must take a snap shot of this, look at it carefully. Can we slow it all down. Put things in the right perspective. I believe that everyone has to take a deep breath and say calm is in order. Yes there are things that we just have to experience and continue to move forward irregardless of the stress and strain.
In my personal life I have experienced many traumas. But these traumas just made me stronger and to continue with the fast pace of life.
Yes my brothers name was Dennis. He was born January 25, 1952. Like I said before he was seven years older than myself. His story I hope will live well past my natural life. What makes a person take their own life? We can look at circumstances. We could look for reasons. We can look at his mental health, his physical health and his spiritual life.
I think that when a person is in such despair they get into despair. It is like they have tunnel vision. All they can see is a way out of life. I would also like to say I believe not all people that commit suicide are mentally ill. The reasons are vast why a person would take their own life.
Human beings are not perfect, we make mistakes. Let us go a little deeper with it. Dysfunctional families are abound. This is my personal opinion, but the family unit for some reason can become angry with each other, and because of unconditional love still stay together for the simple fact of forgiveness.
Suicide I think is a very personal choice. Deep in the loins of the person. The giving away of personal items. The final letter. With Dennis there were two letters. They were two renditions of songs. The first one was, "House Of The Rising Sun," by Eric Burdon and The Animals. The second one was, "If I Had Jessie's Girl," by Rick Springfield. This was discovered at the place of his residence. Also found was his family photo album. I sat there in this apartment with my mom and dad thumbing through the pages of that family photo album, thinking what a shame. My parents were at odds. It was a basement apartment. The landlord lived upstairs. The 12 gauge shotgun was taken by the police. Dennis had this maple wood chessboard that I kept. When I was back home again, I burnt my name on the back of it with a soldering iron. His electric guitar went to my younger brother. He did not have much in that apartment. I guess he hit rock bottom and no where to turn.
In this book I talk about the pain's of life and suicide. Why, because it hurts. The ones you leave behind cry out to the moon and the stars. Why did you do that? I loved you with all my heart and you tore it all apart. The shock, the tears, the anger.
Let me tell you about the anger. Dennis left behind two very young boys. These boys on hearing the news about their father hide under their beds, crying and trembling, with the question what did daddy do.
*Now to tell you a little about myself. Unfortunately at age 13 I was committed to a mental health facility. The reasons being, as the doctor said I had schizophrenia. Today I have to disagree with that diagnosis for the simple reason at 13 I had trouble sleeping and depression. How do I know that the answer is simple, at age twenty five I did develop schizophrenia, a full blown case of it. Hearing voices, no sleep, no appetite and no energy.
Then at 15 years of age I suffered another trauma. Yes I started working for this person, if you can call him that, and he raped me, then he tried to kill me by trying to run me over with his truck. I had to jump into the ditch to save myself.
Well back to the sanatorium for another six months. Also eight shock treatments to bring me back from my depression. Yes I still did not have schizophrenia. It seemed as though it was my fault, can you handle that.
The injustices in life are great. Here I am trying to make some money to go to high school, when this goof of an employer sodomizes me, tries to run me over with his truck and I end up in the san!
Any way Dennis and his friend Jerry, and my friend too, did not kill him but scared the living shit out of that thing that attacked me. Good!
Now back to Dennis, seeing since he is the main focus of the book. He was a blue baby when he was born, but he made it through it. When I came along he was seven years of age.
When I reached the age of 17 Dennis and I started to hang out together. He was 24 years of age. Had his second woman after his divorce to his first woman, which he had two sons with her.
Drinking booze, and smoking pot like it was going out of style. Now we were having a lot of fun, as long as he stayed away from hard liquor, which made him want to fight.
Myself I was a happy drunk, meaning I loved to party with out fighting.
For a few years we worked together at the same place. It was hard work but paid well. Friday nights would come and party time as well.
Yes Dennis and his second women where doing alright. She had a child from another marriage and that child grew up to be a doctor. Just goes to show that no one knows what the future has in store.
So here we are the Jone's brothers, high on life and going for it.
It takes me back when he and I built that second motorcycle. A 650 cc Triumph Bonneville. We had to tear down the whole bike. Sanded the frame, cleaned the chrome, put some new rubber on it. When Dennis kicked it over when we were done rebuilding it, the flames came out of the cross over pipes through the shortie mufflers. Yes our dad timed it right, because it sounded good and mean. The colour of it was candy apple blue.
Come on Dennis let us paint the town red. Let us pick up the boys and do some real partying. In this small town word gets around the Jones brothers are in town.
Once in a while I would have to hold Dennis down and cool him off, for he wanted to fight. We did not hurt each other to badly. You see now some of the reason's why he was drinking heavy. The loss of his first wife and their two boys worked on him yes a marriage that went bad.
His second marriage or common law woman lasted a few years. There again the fighting it did not bother me that much. As long as I could take him. Take him and pour him into his bed.
Now for another garage tale. Yes it was a Dodge Fury the 383 engine in it was shot. We changed it up to a 351 Ford Cleveland engine, yes strapped to a four speed Hurst Shifter and then 4:11 rear end gears. Needless to say it moved.
You see Dennis and I loved each other as brothers should. The pain he went through was large.
We moved around a bit because of the way jobs were. Down south up north what ever and where ever a person could make a buck.
Let us change gears now and go into the abyss that Dennis fell into. I remember going down south to visit him while he was with his second love. A week or so before I got there. He got thumped, busted nose, black eyes, broken jaw. I was with one of my down south buddies that I teamed up with before seeing Dennis. He was a mess. Mark and I looked at him and laughed. But it was not funny. So we sucked down a few browns and all three of us started laughing it up again. I mocked him with his wired up jaw as I mumbled as if my jaw was wired up too! I know we have native in us because Dennis and his drinking made him wild. This is not to take away from the native people. On one of our terrors I bumped into some guys that had some beer and Dennis and I would trade them up for a bag of pot for some beers.
Oh no it went sour, they searched our truck for pot. We got pistol whipped, they ripped us off. I knew where they lived, the night was not over.
Went to where they lived and knocked on the door. We could hear laughing inside the house. One of them answered the door. I said to him hello we are here for our case of beer. They started to cry and we told them not to pistol whip any one anymore because it hurts. So we left and said just another night.
While I am on the topic of heavy duty. Dennis had words with me. We totaled the apartment. I ripped the natural gas heater off of the floor, pipes and all and through it at him! Well the place filled up with gas and I told Dennis not to turn any light switches on or off because the whole place would blow up!
So here comes the police and the fire department, we paid dearly for that night of drinking.
On a lighter note I have been clean and sober for over twenty years or more, and I thank God for that. You see it is very easy to find trouble even if you are not looking for it. And I stopped looking for it and it stopped looking for me!
Suicide is a dangerous act. What happens if it is uncompleted that is right, what happens if for instance that you try to swallow a gun, you put it into your mouth, you pull the trigger, blow off the side of your face but still live. Now you look disfigured for the rest of your life. Now that every one stares at you because you are disfigured try living with that.
Did you take enough pills? Oh you did not and now you are blind. Trying to OD or overdose and that fails then what. Your intelligence is totally mixed-up. Then what? Of course you get the picture. The ones you leave behind are in constant pain and sorrow asking the question why.
With Dennis he lived while being transported to hospital via ambulance. That 12 gauge shotgun was his end. I will get into detail what he did as told to us by the police. This is by no means to glorify his death. First he used a fishing rod to activate the trigger. The shell or load in the shotgun was an SSG. The recoil of the shotgun broke his arm.
He blew away the right side of his heart and the left side of his right lung. That is enough for now about that. Oh just one more thing, he told the doctors at the hospital, just to let him die.
There are all kinds of ways to take your life but do not let me go over board with that. The people reading this book would have the understanding that enough is enough.
On rock bottom and know where to turn is the title of the book. I will try to give you insight into how to cope day by day with a mental illness.
Suicidal ideations or in other words thoughts of self-harm or suicide are not permitted in this country or other countries.
My personal opinion of this is O.K., you are in crisis. You feel as though you are going to flip out. First step contact the people that are closest to you and you can trust them. If your family members cannot help you turn to people who can help. You see sometime care givers are your family and they can burn out.
For some people to ask for help is to be showing signs of weakness. My thought on that is forget about your pride and say please help me for I do not know what to do.
There once was this man who was an electrician. What happened was that he built a beautiful home. Well he insured it and then burnt it down to the ground to collect the insurance. Well the police charged him with arson. What did he do, he killed himself. I guess money was in that equation, but should it have been.
Like I said before money is just a monetary issue. I know we all need money to live that is a fact. Everyone that knew him knew he was a good person and he was. But this thing with money ruins a lot of people.
These are some examples of people in dire straits. As civilized people how do we approach people who are not themselves, due to illness, poverty, homelessness, love lost, addictions, all the human frailty that can be put on a person.
Now let me talk about the higher power, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. Yes we need someone or something to believe in.
I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, but to bad for me life goes on and it does. I will speak with empathy not with sympathy. What has my mental health issues done to me? It made me talk to other people with mental health issues. Dennis never had a diagnosis of a mental illness. How I loved my brother through the good and the bad. I have almost completely wasted my life crying about Dennis. But luckily I have my kid brother and kid sister.
I just wish my mental health was better. To change my medications. To change my life style, you have to try everything out, if something fails try something else.
We need certain things in life to survive, some are basic and some are complex. Let us deal with the complex issues. A relaxed state of mind and body. Thought processes that are changed from being negative into positive affirmations. With your internal self-talk, say things that are good about you!
Leave the past behind. Create a new life for yourself. If the people that say they are friends of yours well make sure that they are telling the truth.
So far in Canada we still have a health care system, but is it breaking down. Are mental health facilities being closed.
I try to be proactive with the mental health system as a whole. What is happening in this country, we are facing a lot of economic uncertainty. So is the rest of the world. Yes we should try to stay positive about it all, find our own peace, and just keep on going.
This book has to be written to lift up your spirit or spirits. I would like to tell you a joke, but I do not think that would do it. Right now it is hard to say it will be alright. This is me pondering that, not you. For you I hope that your life can change for the better.
I do not like the doctor's drugging little kids with prescription drugs like Ritalin when their brains are not fully developed. I am not a doctor, but do you need to be!
Is it true that sanatorium's may become thing's that are of the past? Putting people on the street because there are no more new monies that the federal, provincial, and municipal governments cannot afford. I hope that is not the truth, the reason being certain individuals need those services.
Man, my heart goes out to those that are homeless. I know because I came close to becoming one. What is it with people anyway they just walk on right by and ignore their fellow man.
I really believe that God created all of us as being equal. I guess when we get to meet Him we will surely know what the score is. Heaven or hell, here we go.
I could not believe it when I went on the web to the Wikipedia encyclopedia site and under the topic of suicide, they had a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge which has a telephone line straight to a suicide prevention hot line. So please do not jump off the bridge, thank you!
Excerpted from On Rock Bottom and Know Where to Turn by Allan Jones. Copyright © 2014 Allan Jones. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing.
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