Once and Always

( 80 )

Overview

Across the vast ocean sailed Victoria Seaton, a free-spirited American beauty left suddenly orphaned and alone. Eager to claim her long-lost heritage, she was amazed at the formal elegance of Wakefield, the sumptuous English estate of her distant cousin...the notorious Lord Jason Fielding. Sought after at plays, operas, and balls by London's most fashionable ladies, Jason remained a mystery to Victoria. Bewildered by his arrogant demeanor, yet drawn to his panther-like grace, she came to sense the searingly ...

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Overview

Across the vast ocean sailed Victoria Seaton, a free-spirited American beauty left suddenly orphaned and alone. Eager to claim her long-lost heritage, she was amazed at the formal elegance of Wakefield, the sumptuous English estate of her distant cousin...the notorious Lord Jason Fielding. Sought after at plays, operas, and balls by London's most fashionable ladies, Jason remained a mystery to Victoria. Bewildered by his arrogant demeanor, yet drawn to his panther-like grace, she came to sense the searingly painful memories that smoldered in the depths of his jade-green eyes.
Unable to resist her spitfire charm, Jason gathered her at last into his powerful arms, ravishing her lips with his kisses, arousing in her a sweet, insistent hunger. Wed in desire, they were enfolded in a fierce, consuming joy, free at last from the past's cruel grasp. Then, in a moment of blinding anguish, Victoria discovered the shocking treachery that lay at the heart of their love...a love she had dreamed would triumph...Once And Always.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
"Judith McNaught is in a class by herself." — USA Today
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780671737627
  • Publisher: Pocket Books
  • Publication date: 9/28/1990
  • Format: Mass Market Paperback
  • Edition description: Reissue
  • Pages: 400
  • Sales rank: 114,470
  • Product dimensions: 4.50 (w) x 6.80 (h) x 1.10 (d)

Meet the Author

Judith  McNaught

Judith McNaught is the New York Times bestselling author who first soared to stardom with her stunning bestseller Whitney, My Love, and went on to win the hearts of millions of readers with Once and Always, Something Wonderful, A Kingdom of Dreams, Almost Heaven, Paradise, Perfect, Until You, Remember When, Someone to Watch Over Me, the #1 bestseller Night Whispers, and other novels. There are more than thirty million copies of her books in print. She lives in Houston.

Biography

USA Today has said, "When it comes to writing romance, Judith McNaught is in a class by herself." Interestingly, while McNaught's career as a bestselling author has been thriving for many years, she has led the life of a Renaissance woman, dabbling in the fields of radio, film, and finance before settling into her writer's role. The first female executive producer at a CBS radio station, McNaught also served stints as an assistant director of a film crew, a comptroller of a major trucking company, president of a temporary employment agency, and president of an executive search firm.

McNaught first clicked with the reading public when her book Whitney My Love (considered by many to be the first full-length Regency historical novel) was published as a paperback original in 1985, promptly winning the Romantic Times Award for Best New Historical Novel. As a result of her newfound fame, two previously published romantic tales were reissued with commercial success. By the 1990s, McNaught had switched to contemporary romance, and with 1998's Night Whispers, she segued into romantic suspense, an area she has honed to polished perfection.

A spectacular storyteller with legions of loyal fans, McNaught proves her chops with each successive book. Honors and awards have followed in a steady stream. In addition to the Affaire de Coeur Golden Pen Certificate, she has received a Romantic Times Career Achievement Award honoring her entire body of work. Hers was the first romance novel ever chosen as a main selection by the Book-of-the-Month Club; and her titles consistently turn up on The New York Times bestseller list.

In between books, McNaught devotes herself to several charities and is active in the promotion of women's literacy.

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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

England

1815

"Oh, there you are, Jason," the raven-haired beauty said to her husband's reflection in the mirror above her dressing table. Her gaze slid warily over his tall, rugged frame as he came toward her; then she returned her attention to the open jewel cases spread out before her. A nervous tremor shook her hand and her smile was overly bright as she removed a spectacular diamond choker from a case and held it out to him. "Help me fasten this, will you?"

Her husband's face tightened with distaste as he looked at the necklaces of glittering rubies and magnificent emeralds already spread across her swelling breasts above, the daring bodice of her gown. "Isn't your display of flesh and jewels a little vulgar for a woman who hopes to masquerade as a grand lady?"

"What would you know about vulgarity?" Melissa Fielding retorted contemptuously. "This gown is the height of fashion." Haughtily she added, "Baron Lacroix likes it very well. He specifically asked me to wear it to the ball tonight."

"No doubt he doesn't want to be troubled with too many fasteners when he takes it off you," her husband returned sarcastically.

"Exactly. He's French — and terribly impetuous."

"Unfortunately, he's also penniless."

"He thinks I'm beautiful," Melissa taunted, her voice beginning to shake with pent-up loathing.

"He's right." Jason Fielding's sardonic gaze swept over her lovely face with its alabaster skin, slightly tilted green eyes, and full red lips, then dropped to her voluptuous breasts trembling invitingly above the plunging neckline of her scarlet velvet gown. "You are a beautiful, amoral, greedy...bitch."

Turning on his heel, he started from the room, then stopped. His icy voice was edged with implacable authority. "Before you leave, go in and say good night to our son. Jamie is too little to understand what a bitch you are, and he misses you when you're gone. I'm leaving for Scotland within the hour."

"Jamie!" she hissed wrathfully. "He's all you care about — " Without bothering to deny it, her husband walked toward the door, and Melissa's anger ignited.

"When you come back from Scotland, I won't be here!" she threatened.

"Good," he said without stopping.

"You bastard!" she spat, her voice shaking with suppressed rage. "I'm going to tell the world who you really are, and then I'm going to leave you. I'll never come back. Never!"

With his hand on the door handle, Jason turned, his features a hard, contemptuous mask. "You'll come back," he sneered. "You'll come back, just as soon as you run out of money."

The door closed behind him and Melissa's exquisite face filled with triumph. "I'll never come back, Jason," she said aloud to the empty room, "because I'll never run out of money. You'll send me whatever I want...."

"Good evening, my lord," the butler said in an odd, tense whisper.

"Happy Christmas, Northrup," Jason answered automatically as he stamped the snow off his boots and handed his wet cloak to the servant. That last scene with Melissa, two weeks earlier, sprang to his mind, but he pushed the memory away. "The weather cost me an extra day of travel. Has my son already gone to bed?"

The butler froze.

"Jason — " A heavyset, middle-aged man with the tanned, weathered face of a seasoned seaman stood in the doorway of the salon off the marble entrance foyer, motioning to Jason to join him.

"What are you doing here, Mike?" Jason asked, watching with puzzlement as the older man carefully closed the salon door.

"Jason," Mike Farrell said tautly, "Melissa is gone. She and Lacroix sailed for Barbados right after you left for Scotland." He paused, waiting for some reaction, but there was none. He drew a long, ragged breath. "They took Jamie with them."

Savage fury ignited in Jason's eyes, turning them into furnaces of rage. "I'll kill her for this!" he said, already starting toward the door. "I'll find her, and I'll kill her — "

"It's too late for that." Mike's ragged voice stopped Jason in mid-stride. "Melissa is already dead. Their ship went down in a storm three days after it left England." He tore his gaze from the awful agony already twisting Jason's features and added tonelessly, "There were no survivors."

Wordlessly, Jason strode to the side table and picked up a crystal decanter of whiskey. He poured some into a glass and tossed it down, then refilled it, staring blindly straight ahead.

"She left you these." Mike Farrell held out two letters with broken seals. When Jason made no move to take them, Mike explained gently, "I've already read them. One is a ransom letter, addressed to you, which Melissa left in your bedchamber. She intended to ransom Jamie back to you. The second letter was meant to expose you, and she gave it to a footman with instructions to deliver it to the Times after she left. However, when Flossie Wilson discovered that Jamie was missing, she immediately questioned the servants about Melissa's actions the night before, and the footman gave the letter to her instead of taking it to the Times as he was about to do. Flossie couldn't reach you to tell you Melissa had taken Jamie, so she sent for me and gave me the letters. Jason," Mike said hoarsely, "I know how much you loved the boy. I'm sorry. I'm so damned sorry...."

Jason's tortured gaze slowly lifted to the gilt-framed portrait hanging above the mantel. In agonized silence he stared at the painting of his son, a sturdy little boy with a cherubic smile on his face and a wooden soldier clutched lovingly in his fist.

The glass Jason was holding shattered in his clenched hand. But he did not cry. Jason Fielding's childhood had long ago robbed him of all his tears.

Portage, New York

1815

Snow crunched beneath her small, booted feet as Victoria Seaton turned off the lane and pushed open the white wooden gate that opened into the front yard of the modest little house where she had been born. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes bright as she stopped to glance at the starlit sky, studying it with the unspoiled delight of a fifteen-year-old at Christmas. Smiling, she hummed the last bars of one of the Christmas carols she'd been singing all evening with the rest of the carolers, then turned and went up the walk toward the darkened house.

Hoping not to awaken her parents or her younger sister, she opened the front door softly and slipped inside. She took off her cloak, hanging it on a peg beside the door, then turned around and stopped in surprise. Moonlight poured through the window at the top of the stairway, illuminating her parents, who were standing just outside her mother's bedroom. "No, Patrick!"' Her mother was struggling in her father's tight embrace. "I can't! I just can't!"

"Don't deny me, Katherine," Patrick Seaton said, his voice raw with pleading. "For God's sake, don't — "

"You promised!" Katherine burst out, trying frantically to pull free of his arms. He bent his head and kissed her, but she twisted her face away, her words jerking out like a sob.

"You promised me on the day Dorothy was born that you wouldn't ask me to again. You gave me your word!"

Victoria, standing in stunned, bewildered horror, dimly realized that she had never seen her parents touch one another before — not in teasing, nor kindness — but she had no idea what it was her father was pleading with her mother not to deny him.

Patrick let go of his wife, his hands falling to his sides. "I'm sorry," he said stonily. She fled into her room and closed the door, but instead of going to his own room, Patrick Seaton turned around and headed down the narrow stairs, passing within inches of Victoria when he reached the bottom.

Victoria flattened herself against the wall, feeling as if the security and peace of her world had been somehow threatened by what she had seen. Afraid that he would notice her if she tried to move toward the stairs, would know she had witnessed the humiliatingly intimate scene, she watched as he sat down on the sofa and stared into the dying embers of the fire. A bottle of liquor that had been on the kitchen shelf for years stood now on the table in front of him, beside a half-filled glass. When he leaned forward and reached for the glass, Victoria turned and cautiously placed her foot on the first step.

"I know you're there, Victoria," he said tonelessly, without looking behind him. "There's little point in our pretending you didn't witness what just took place between your mother and me. Why don't you come over here and sit by the fire? I'm not the brute you must think me."

Sympathy tightened Victoria's throat and she quickly went to sit beside him. "I don't think you're a brute, Papa. I could never think that."

He took a long swallow of the liquor in his glass. "Don't blame your mother either," he warned, his words slightly slurred as if he had been drinking since long before she arrived.

With the liquor impairing his judgment, he glanced at Victoria's stricken face and assumed she had surmised more from the scene she'd witnessed than she actually had. Putting a comforting arm around her shoulders, he tried to ease her distress, but what he told her increased it a hundredfold: "It isn't your mother's fault and it isn't mine. She can't love me, and I can't stop loving her. It's as simple as that."

Victoria plunged abruptly from the secure haven of childhood into cold, terrifying, adult reality. Her mouth dropped open and she stared at him while the world seemed to fall apart around her. She shook her head, trying to deny the horrible thing he had said. Of course her mother loved her wonderful father!

"Love can't be forced into existence," Patrick Seaton said, confirming the awful truth as he stared bitterly into his glass. "It won't come simply because you will it to happen. If it did, your mother would love me. She believed she would learn to love me when we were wed. I believed it, too. We wanted to believe it. Later, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter whether she loved me or not. I told myself that marriage could still be good without it."

The next words ripped from his chest with an anguish that seared Victoria's heart: "I was a fool! Loving someone who doesn't love you is hell! Don't ever let anyone convince you that you can be happy with someone who doesn't love you."

"I — I won't," Victoria whispered, blinking back her tears.

"And don't ever love anyone more than he loves you, Tory. Don't let yourself do it."

"I — I won't," Victoria whispered again. "I promise." Unable to contain the pity and love exploding inside her, Victoria looked at him with tears spilling from her eyes and laid her small hand against his handsome cheek. "When I marry, Papa," she choked, "I shall choose someone exactly like you."

He smiled tenderly at that, but made no reply. Instead he said, "It hasn't all been bad, you know. Your mother and I have Dorothy and you to love, and that is a love we share."

Dawn had barely touched the sky when Victoria slipped out of the house, having spent a sleepless night staring at the ceiling above her bed. Clad in a red cloak and a dark blue woolen riding skirt, she led her Indian pony out of the barn and swung effortlessly onto his back.

A mile away, she came to the creek that ran alongside the main road leading to the village, and dismounted. She walked gingerly down the slippery, snow-covered bank and sat down on a flat boulder. With her elbows propped on her knees and her chin cupped in her palms, she stared at the gray water flowing slowly between the frozen chunks of ice near the bank.

The sky turned yellow and then pink while she sat there, trying to recover the joy she always felt in this place whenever she watched the dawning of a new day.

A rabbit scurried out from the trees beside her; behind her a horse blew softly and footsteps moved stealthily down the steep bank. A slight smile touched Victoria's lips a split second before a snowball whizzed past her right shoulder, and she leaned neatly to the left. "Your aim is off, Andrew," she called without turning.

A pair of shiny brown top boots appeared at her side. "You're up early this morning," Andrew said, grinning at the petite, youthful beauty seated upon the rock. Red hair shot with sparkling gold was pulled back from Victoria's forehead and secured with a tortoiseshell comb at the crown, then left to spill over her shoulders like a rippling waterfall. Her eyes were the deep, vivid blue of pansies, heavily lashed and slightly tilted at the corners. Her nose was small and perfect, her cheeks delicately boned and blooming with health, and at the center of her small chin there was a tiny but intriguing cleft.

The promise of beauty was already molded into every line and feature of Victoria's face, but it was obvious to any onlooker that her beauty was destined to be more exotic than fragile, more vivid than pristine, just as it was obvious that there was stubbornness in her small chin and laughter in her sparkling eyes. This morning, however, her eyes lacked their customary luster.

Victoria leaned down and scooped up a pile of snow with her mittened hands. Automatically Andrew ducked, but instead of launching the snowball at him, as she would normally have done, she threw it into the creek. "What's wrong, bright-eyes," he teased. "Afraid you'll miss?"

"Of course not," Victoria said with a morose little sigh.

"Move over and let me sit down."

Victoria did so, and he studied her sad expression with mild concern. "What has you looking so grim?"

Victoria was truly tempted to confide in him. At twenty, Andrew was five years her senior and wise beyond his age. He was the only child of the village's wealthiest resident, a widow of seemingly delicate health who clung possessively to her only son at the same time that she relinquished to him all responsibility for the running of their huge mansion and the 1,000 acres of farmland surrounding it.

Putting his gloved finger beneath her chin, Andrew tipped her face up to his. "Tell me," he said gently.

This second request was more than her heartsick emotions could withstand. Andrew was her friend. In the years they had known each other, he had taught her to fish, to swim, to shoot a pistol, and to cheat at cards — this last he claimed to be necessary so she would know if she was being cheated. Victoria had rewarded his efforts by learning to outswim, outshoot, and outcheat him. They were friends, and she knew she could confide almost anything to him. She could not, however, bring herself to discuss her parents' marriage with him. Instead she brought up the other thing worrying her — her father's warning.

"Andrew," she said hesitantly, "how can you tell if someone loves you? Truly loves you, I mean?"

"Who are you worried about loving you?"

"The man I marry."

Had she been a little older, a little more worldly, she would have been able to interpret the tenderness that flared in Andrew's golden brown eyes before he swiftly looked away. "You'll be loved by the man you marry," he promised. "You can take my word for it."

"But he must love me at least as much as I love him."

"He will."

"Perhaps, but how will I know if he does?"

Andrew cast a sharp, searching look at her exquisite features. "Has some local boy been pestering your papa for your hand?" he demanded almost angrily.

"Of course not!" she snorted. "I'm only fifteen, and Papa is very firm that I must wait until I'm eighteen, so I'll know my own mind."

He looked at her stubborn little chin and chuckled. "If knowing your own mind" is all Dr. Seaton is concerned about, he could let you wed tomorrow. You've known your own mind since you were ten years old."

"You're right," she admitted with cheerful candor. After a minute of comfortable silence, she asked idly, "Andrew, do you ever wonder who you'll marry?"

"No," he said with an odd little smile as he stared out across the creek.

"Why not?"

"I already know who she is."

Startled by this amazing revelation, Victoria snapped her head around. "You do? Truly? Tell me! Is it someone I know?"

When he remained silent, Victoria shot him a thoughtful, sidewise look and began deliberately packing snow into a hard ball.

"Are you planning to try to dump that thing down my back?" he said, watching her with wary amusement.

"Certainly not," she said, her eyes twinkling. "I was thinking more in the line of a wager. If I can come closer to that rock atop the farthest boulder over there, then you must tell me who she is."

"And if I come closer than you do?" Andrew challenged.

"Then you way name your own forfeit," she said magnanimously.

"I made a dire error when I taught you to gamble," he chuckled, but he wag not proof against her daring smile.

Andrew missed the far-off target by scant inches. Victoria stared at it in deep concentration; then she let fly, hitting it dead-on with enough force to send the rock tumbling off the boulder along with the snowball.

"I also made a dire error when I taught you to throw snowballs."

"I always knew how to do that," she reminded him audaciously, plunking her hands on her slim hips. "Now, who do you wish to marry?"

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Andrew grinned down at her enchanting face. "Who do you think I wish to marry, blue eyes?"

"I don't know," she said seriously, "but I hope she is very special, because you are."

"She's special," he assured her with gentle gravity. "So special that I even thought about her when I was away at school during the winters. In fact, I'm glad to be home so I can see her more often."

"She sounds quite nice," Victoria allowed primly, feeling suddenly and unaccountably angry at the unoffending female.

"I'd say she's closer to 'wonderful' than 'quite nice.' She's sweet and spirited, beautiful and unaffected, gentle and stubborn. Everyone who knows her comes to love her."

"Well then, for heaven's sake, why don't you marry her and have done with it!" Victoria said grimly.

His lips twitched, and in a rare gesture of intimacy, Andrew reached out and laid his hand against her heavy, silken hair. "Because," he whispered tenderly, "she's still too young. You see, her father wants her to wait until she's eighteen, so she'll know her own mind."

Victoria's enormous blue eyes widened as she searched his handsome face. "Do you mean me?" she whispered.

"You," he confirmed with smiling solemnity. "Only you."

Victoria's world, threatened by what she had seen and heard last night, suddenly seemed safe again, secure and warm. "Thank you, Andrew," she said, suddenly shy. Then, in one of her lightning-quick transformations from girl to charming, gently bred young woman, she added softly, "How lovely it will be to marry my dearest friend."

"I shouldn't have mentioned it to you without first speaking with your father, and I can't do that for three more years."

"He likes you immensely," Victoria assured him. "He won't object in the least when the time comes. How could he, when you are both so much alike?"

Victoria mounted her horse a little while later feeling quite gay and cheerful, but her spirits plummeted as soon as she opened the back door of the house and stepped into the cozy room that served the dual purpose, of kitchen and family gathering place.

Her mother was bending over the hearth, busy with the waffle iron, her hair pulled back in a tidy chignon, her plain dress clean and pressed. Hanging from nails beside and above the fireplace was an orderly assortment of sifters, dippers, graters, chopping knives, and funnels. Everything was neat and clean and pleasant, just like her mother. Her father was already seated at the table, drinking a cup of coffee.

Looking at them, Victoria felt self-conscious, sick at heart, and thoroughly angry with her mother for denying her wonderful father the love he wanted and needed.

Since Victoria's sunrise outings were fairly common, neither of her parents showed any surprise at her entrance. They both looked up at her, smiled, and said good morning. Victoria returned her father's greeting and she smiled at her younger sister, Dorothy, but she could scarcely look at her mother. Instead, she went to the shelves and began to set the table with a full complement of flatware and dishes — a formality that her English mother firmly insisted was "necessary for civilized dining."

Victoria moved back and forth between the shelves and the table, feeling ill at ease and sick to her stomach, but when she took her place at the table, the hostility she felt for her mother slowly began to give way to pity. She watched as Katherine Seaton tried in a half dozen ways to make amends to her husband, chatting cheerfully with him as she hovered solicitously at his elbow, filling his cup with steaming coffee, handing him the pitcher of cream, offering him more of her freshly baked rolls in between trips to the hearth, where she was preparing his favorite breakfast of waffles.

Victoria ate her meal in bewildered, helpless silence, her thoughts twisting and turning as she sought for some way to console her father for his loveless marriage.

The solution came to her the instant he stood up and announced his intention of riding over to the Jackson farm to see how little Annie's broken arm was mending. Victoria jumped to her feet. "I'll go with you, Papa. I've been meaning to ask you if you could teach me how to help you in your work, I mean." Both her parents looked at her in surprise, for Victoria had never before shown the slightest interest in the healing arts. In fact, until then, she had been a pretty, carefree child whose chief interests were in gay amusements and an occasional mischievous, prank. Despite their surprise, neither parent voiced an objection.

Victoria and her father had always been close. From that day forward, they became inseparable. She accompanied him nearly everywhere he went and, although he flatly refused to permit her to assist him in his treatment of his male patients, he was more then happy to have her help at any other time.

Neither of them ever mentioned the sad things they had discussed on that fateful Christmas night. Instead they filled their time together with cozy conversations and lighthearted banter, for despite the sorrow in his heart, Patrick Seaton was a man who appreciated the value of laughter.

Victoria had already inherited her mother's startling beauty and her father's humor and courage. Now she learned compassion and idealism from him as well. As a little girl, she had easily won over the villagers with her beauty and bright, irresistible smile. They had liked her as a charming, carefree girl; they adored her as she matured into a spirited young lady who worried about their ailments and teased away their sullens.

Copyright © 1987 by Judith McNaught

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First Chapter

Chapter One<<P> England

1815

"Oh, there you are, Jason," the raven-haired beauty said to her husband's reflection in the mirror above her dressing table. Her gaze slid warily over his tall, rugged frame as he came toward her; then she returned her attention to the open jewel cases spread out before her. A nervous tremor shook her hand and her smile was overly bright as she removed a spectacular diamond choker from a case and held it out to him. "Help me fasten this, will you?"

Her husband's face tightened with distaste as he looked at the necklaces of glittering rubies and magnificent emeralds already spread across her swelling breasts above, the daring bodice of her gown. "Isn't your display of flesh and jewels a little vulgar for a woman who hopes to masquerade as a grand lady?"

"What would you know about vulgarity?" Melissa Fielding retorted contemptuously. "This gown is the height of fashion." Haughtily she added, "Baron Lacroix likes it very well. He specifically asked me to wear it to the ball tonight."

"No doubt he doesn't want to be troubled with too many fasteners when he takes it off you," her husband returned sarcastically.

"Exactly. He's French -- and terribly impetuous."

"Unfortunately, he's also penniless."

"He thinks I'm beautiful," Melissa taunted, her voice beginning to shake with pent-up loathing.

"He's right." Jason Fielding's sardonic gaze swept over her lovely face with its alabaster skin, slightly tilted green eyes, and full red lips, then dropped to her voluptuous breasts trembling invitingly above the plunging neckline of her scarlet velvet gown. "You are a beautiful, amoral, greedy...bitch."

Turning on his heel, he started from the room, then stopped. His icy voice was edged with implacable authority. "Before you leave, go in and say good night to our son. Jamie is too little to understand what a bitch you are, and he misses you when you're gone. I'm leaving for Scotland within the hour."

"Jamie!" she hissed wrathfully. "He's all you care about -- " Without bothering to deny it, her husband walked toward the door, and Melissa's anger ignited.

"When you come back from Scotland, I won't be here!" she threatened.

"Good," he said without stopping.

"You bastard!" she spat, her voice shaking with suppressed rage. "I'm going to tell the world who you really are, and then I'm going to leave you. I'll never come back. Never!"

With his hand on the door handle, Jason turned, his features a hard, contemptuous mask. "You'll come back," he sneered. "You'll come back, just as soon as you run out of money."

The door closed behind him and Melissa's exquisite face filled with triumph. "I'll never come back, Jason," she said aloud to the empty room, "because I'll never run out of money. You'll send me whatever I want...."

"Good evening, my lord," the butler said in an odd, tense whisper.

"Happy Christmas, Northrup," Jason answered automatically as he stamped the snow off his boots and handed his wet cloak to the servant. That last scene with Melissa, two weeks earlier, sprang to his mind, but he pushed the memory away. "The weather cost me an extra day of travel. Has my son already gone to bed?"

The butler froze.

"Jason -- " A heavyset, middle-aged man with the tanned, weathered face of a seasoned seaman stood in the doorway of the salon off the marble entrance foyer, motioning to Jason to join him.

"What are you doing here, Mike?" Jason asked, watching with puzzlement as the older man carefully closed the salon door.

"Jason," Mike Farrell said tautly, "Melissa is gone. She and Lacroix sailed for Barbados right after you left for Scotland." He paused, waiting for some reaction, but there was none. He drew a long, ragged breath. "They took Jamie with them."

Savage fury ignited in Jason's eyes, turning them into furnaces of rage. "I'll kill her for this!" he said, already starting toward the door. "I'll find her, and I'll kill her -- "

"It's too late for that." Mike's ragged voice stopped Jason in mid-stride. "Melissa is already dead. Their ship went down in a storm three days after it left England." He tore his gaze from the awful agony already twisting Jason's features and added tonelessly, "There were no survivors."

Wordlessly, Jason strode to the side table and picked up a crystal decanter of whiskey. He poured some into a glass and tossed it down, then refilled it, staring blindly straight ahead.

"She left you these." Mike Farrell held out two letters with broken seals. When Jason made no move to take them, Mike explained gently, "I've already read them. One is a ransom letter, addressed to you, which Melissa left in your bedchamber. She intended to ransom Jamie back to you. The second letter was meant to expose you, and she gave it to a footman with instructions to deliver it to the Times after she left. However, when Flossie Wilson discovered that Jamie was missing, she immediately questioned the servants about Melissa's actions the night before, and the footman gave the letter to her instead of taking it to the Times as he was about to do. Flossie couldn't reach you to tell you Melissa had taken Jamie, so she sent for me and gave me the letters. Jason," Mike said hoarsely, "I know how much you loved the boy. I'm sorry. I'm so damned sorry...."

Jason's tortured gaze slowly lifted to the gilt-framed portrait hanging above the mantel. In agonized silence he stared at the painting of his son, a sturdy little boy with a cherubic smile on his face and a wooden soldier clutched lovingly in his fist.

The glass Jason was holding shattered in his clenched hand. But he did not cry. Jason Fielding's childhood had long ago robbed him of all his tears.

Portage, New York

1815

Snow crunched beneath her small, booted feet as Victoria Seaton turned off the lane and pushed open the white wooden gate that opened into the front yard of the modest little house where she had been born. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes bright as she stopped to glance at the starlit sky, studying it with the unspoiled delight of a fifteen-year-old at Christmas. Smiling, she hummed the last bars of one of the Christmas carols she'd been singing all evening with the rest of the carolers, then turned and went up the walk toward the darkened house.

Hoping not to awaken her parents or her younger sister, she opened the front door softly and slipped inside. She took off her cloak, hanging it on a peg beside the door, then turned around and stopped in surprise. Moonlight poured through the window at the top of the stairway, illuminating her parents, who were standing just outside her mother's bedroom. "No, Patrick!"' Her mother was struggling in her father's tight embrace. "I can't! I just can't!"

"Don't deny me, Katherine," Patrick Seaton said, his voice raw with pleading. "For God's sake, don't -- "

"You promised!" Katherine burst out, trying frantically to pull free of his arms. He bent his head and kissed her, but she twisted her face away, her words jerking out like a sob.

"You promised me on the day Dorothy was born that you wouldn't ask me to again. You gave me your word!"

Victoria, standing in stunned, bewildered horror, dimly realized that she had never seen her parents touch one another before -- not in teasing, nor kindness -- but she had no idea what it was her father was pleading with her mother not to deny him.

Patrick let go of his wife, his hands falling to his sides. "I'm sorry," he said stonily. She fled into her room and closed the door, but instead of going to his own room, Patrick Seaton turned around and headed down the narrow stairs, passing within inches of Victoria when he reached the bottom.

Victoria flattened herself against the wall, feeling as if the security and peace of her world had been somehow threatened by what she had seen. Afraid that he would notice her if she tried to move toward the stairs, would know she had witnessed the humiliatingly intimate scene, she watched as he sat down on the sofa and stared into the dying embers of the fire. A bottle of liquor that had been on the kitchen shelf for years stood now on the table in front of him, beside a half-filled glass. When he leaned forward and reached for the glass, Victoria turned and cautiously placed her foot on the first step.

"I know you're there, Victoria," he said tonelessly, without looking behind him. "There's little point in our pretending you didn't witness what just took place between your mother and me. Why don't you come over here and sit by the fire? I'm not the brute you must think me."

Sympathy tightened Victoria's throat and she quickly went to sit beside him. "I don't think you're a brute, Papa. I could never think that."

He took a long swallow of the liquor in his glass. "Don't blame your mother either," he warned, his words slightly slurred as if he had been drinking since long before she arrived.

With the liquor impairing his judgment, he glanced at Victoria's stricken face and assumed she had surmised more from the scene she'd witnessed than she actually had. Putting a comforting arm around her shoulders, he tried to ease her distress, but what he told her increased it a hundredfold: "It isn't your mother's fault and it isn't mine. She can't love me, and I can't stop loving her. It's as simple as that."

Victoria plunged abruptly from the secure haven of childhood into cold, terrifying, adult reality. Her mouth dropped open and she stared at him while the world seemed to fall apart around her. She shook her head, trying to deny the horrible thing he had said. Of course her mother loved her wonderful father!

"Love can't be forced into existence," Patrick Seaton said, confirming the awful truth as he stared bitterly into his glass. "It won't come simply because you will it to happen. If it did, your mother would love me. She believed she would learn to love me when we were wed. I believed it, too. We wanted to believe it. Later, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter whether she loved me or not. I told myself that marriage could still be good without it."

The next words ripped from his chest with an anguish that seared Victoria's heart: "I was a fool! Loving someone who doesn't love you is hell! Don't ever let anyone convince you that you can be happy with someone who doesn't love you."

"I -- I won't," Victoria whispered, blinking back her tears.

"And don't ever love anyone more than he loves you, Tory. Don't let yourself do it."

"I -- I won't," Victoria whispered again. "I promise." Unable to contain the pity and love exploding inside her, Victoria looked at him with tears spilling from her eyes and laid her small hand against his handsome cheek. "When I marry, Papa," she choked, "I shall choose someone exactly like you."

He smiled tenderly at that, but made no reply. Instead he said, "It hasn't all been bad, you know. Your mother and I have Dorothy and you to love, and that is a love we share."

Dawn had barely touched the sky when Victoria slipped out of the house, having spent a sleepless night staring at the ceiling above her bed. Clad in a red cloak and a dark blue woolen riding skirt, she led her Indian pony out of the barn and swung effortlessly onto his back.

A mile away, she came to the creek that ran alongside the main road leading to the village, and dismounted. She walked gingerly down the slippery, snow-covered bank and sat down on a flat boulder. With her elbows propped on her knees and her chin cupped in her palms, she stared at the gray water flowing slowly between the frozen chunks of ice near the bank.

The sky turned yellow and then pink while she sat there, trying to recover the joy she always felt in this place whenever she watched the dawning of a new day.

A rabbit scurried out from the trees beside her; behind her a horse blew softly and footsteps moved stealthily down the steep bank. A slight smile touched Victoria's lips a split second before a snowball whizzed past her right shoulder, and she leaned neatly to the left. "Your aim is off, Andrew," she called without turning.

A pair of shiny brown top boots appeared at her side. "You're up early this morning," Andrew said, grinning at the petite, youthful beauty seated upon the rock. Red hair shot with sparkling gold was pulled back from Victoria's forehead and secured with a tortoiseshell comb at the crown, then left to spill over her shoulders like a rippling waterfall. Her eyes were the deep, vivid blue of pansies, heavily lashed and slightly tilted at the corners. Her nose was small and perfect, her cheeks delicately boned and blooming with health, and at the center of her small chin there was a tiny but intriguing cleft.

The promise of beauty was already molded into every line and feature of Victoria's face, but it was obvious to any onlooker that her beauty was destined to be more exotic than fragile, more vivid than pristine, just as it was obvious that there was stubbornness in her small chin and laughter in her sparkling eyes. This morning, however, her eyes lacked their customary luster.

Victoria leaned down and scooped up a pile of snow with her mittened hands. Automatically Andrew ducked, but instead of launching the snowball at him, as she would normally have done, she threw it into the creek. "What's wrong, bright-eyes," he teased. "Afraid you'll miss?"

"Of course not," Victoria said with a morose little sigh.

"Move over and let me sit down."

Victoria did so, and he studied her sad expression with mild concern. "What has you looking so grim?"

Victoria was truly tempted to confide in him. At twenty, Andrew was five years her senior and wise beyond his age. He was the only child of the village's wealthiest resident, a widow of seemingly delicate health who clung possessively to her only son at the same time that she relinquished to him all responsibility for the running of their huge mansion and the 1,000 acres of farmland surrounding it.

Putting his gloved finger beneath her chin, Andrew tipped her face up to his. "Tell me," he said gently.

This second request was more than her heartsick emotions could withstand. Andrew was her friend. In the years they had known each other, he had taught her to fish, to swim, to shoot a pistol, and to cheat at cards -- this last he claimed to be necessary so she would know if she was being cheated. Victoria had rewarded his efforts by learning to outswim, outshoot, and outcheat him. They were friends, and she knew she could confide almost anything to him. She could not, however, bring herself to discuss her parents' marriage with him. Instead she brought up the other thing worrying her -- her father's warning.

"Andrew," she said hesitantly, "how can you tell if someone loves you? Truly loves you, I mean?"

"Who are you worried about loving you?"

"The man I marry."

Had she been a little older, a little more worldly, she would have been able to interpret the tenderness that flared in Andrew's golden brown eyes before he swiftly looked away. "You'll be loved by the man you marry," he promised. "You can take my word for it."

"But he must love me at least as much as I love him."

"He will."

"Perhaps, but how will I know if he does?"

Andrew cast a sharp, searching look at her exquisite features. "Has some local boy been pestering your papa for your hand?" he demanded almost angrily.

"Of course not!" she snorted. "I'm only fifteen, and Papa is very firm that I must wait until I'm eighteen, so I'll know my own mind."

He looked at her stubborn little chin and chuckled. "If knowing your own mind" is all Dr. Seaton is concerned about, he could let you wed tomorrow. You've known your own mind since you were ten years old."

"You're right," she admitted with cheerful candor. After a minute of comfortable silence, she asked idly, "Andrew, do you ever wonder who you'll marry?"

"No," he said with an odd little smile as he stared out across the creek.

"Why not?"

"I already know who she is."

Startled by this amazing revelation, Victoria snapped her head around. "You do? Truly? Tell me! Is it someone I know?"

When he remained silent, Victoria shot him a thoughtful, sidewise look and began deliberately packing snow into a hard ball.

"Are you planning to try to dump that thing down my back?" he said, watching her with wary amusement.

"Certainly not," she said, her eyes twinkling. "I was thinking more in the line of a wager. If I can come closer to that rock atop the farthest boulder over there, then you must tell me who she is."

"And if I come closer than you do?" Andrew challenged.

"Then you way name your own forfeit," she said magnanimously.

"I made a dire error when I taught you to gamble," he chuckled, but he wag not proof against her daring smile.

Andrew missed the far-off target by scant inches. Victoria stared at it in deep concentration; then she let fly, hitting it dead-on with enough force to send the rock tumbling off the boulder along with the snowball.

"I also made a dire error when I taught you to throw snowballs."

"I always knew how to do that," she reminded him audaciously, plunking her hands on her slim hips. "Now, who do you wish to marry?"

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Andrew grinned down at her enchanting face. "Who do you think I wish to marry, blue eyes?"

"I don't know," she said seriously, "but I hope she is very special, because you are."

"She's special," he assured her with gentle gravity. "So special that I even thought about her when I was away at school during the winters. In fact, I'm glad to be home so I can see her more often."

"She sounds quite nice," Victoria allowed primly, feeling suddenly and unaccountably angry at the unoffending female.

"I'd say she's closer to 'wonderful' than 'quite nice.' She's sweet and spirited, beautiful and unaffected, gentle and stubborn. Everyone who knows her comes to love her."

"Well then, for heaven's sake, why don't you marry her and have done with it!" Victoria said grimly.

His lips twitched, and in a rare gesture of intimacy, Andrew reached out and laid his hand against her heavy, silken hair. "Because," he whispered tenderly, "she's still too young. You see, her father wants her to wait until she's eighteen, so she'll know her own mind."

Victoria's enormous blue eyes widened as she searched his handsome face. "Do you mean me?" she whispered.

"You," he confirmed with smiling solemnity. "Only you."

Victoria's world, threatened by what she had seen and heard last night, suddenly seemed safe again, secure and warm. "Thank you, Andrew," she said, suddenly shy. Then, in one of her lightning-quick transformations from girl to charming, gently bred young woman, she added softly, "How lovely it will be to marry my dearest friend."

"I shouldn't have mentioned it to you without first speaking with your father, and I can't do that for three more years."

"He likes you immensely," Victoria assured him. "He won't object in the least when the time comes. How could he, when you are both so much alike?"

Victoria mounted her horse a little while later feeling quite gay and cheerful, but her spirits plummeted as soon as she opened the back door of the house and stepped into the cozy room that served the dual purpose, of kitchen and family gathering place.

Her mother was bending over the hearth, busy with the waffle iron, her hair pulled back in a tidy chignon, her plain dress clean and pressed. Hanging from nails beside and above the fireplace was an orderly assortment of sifters, dippers, graters, chopping knives, and funnels. Everything was neat and clean and pleasant, just like her mother. Her father was already seated at the table, drinking a cup of coffee.

Looking at them, Victoria felt self-conscious, sick at heart, and thoroughly angry with her mother for denying her wonderful father the love he wanted and needed.

Since Victoria's sunrise outings were fairly common, neither of her parents showed any surprise at her entrance. They both looked up at her, smiled, and said good morning. Victoria returned her father's greeting and she smiled at her younger sister, Dorothy, but she could scarcely look at her mother. Instead, she went to the shelves and began to set the table with a full complement of flatware and dishes -- a formality that her English mother firmly insisted was "necessary for civilized dining."

Victoria moved back and forth between the shelves and the table, feeling ill at ease and sick to her stomach, but when she took her place at the table, the hostility she felt for her mother slowly began to give way to pity. She watched as Katherine Seaton tried in a half dozen ways to make amends to her husband, chatting cheerfully with him as she hovered solicitously at his elbow, filling his cup with steaming coffee, handing him the pitcher of cream, offering him more of her freshly baked rolls in between trips to the hearth, where she was preparing his favorite breakfast of waffles.

Victoria ate her meal in bewildered, helpless silence, her thoughts twisting and turning as she sought for some way to console her father for his loveless marriage.

The solution came to her the instant he stood up and announced his intention of riding over to the Jackson farm to see how little Annie's broken arm was mending. Victoria jumped to her feet. "I'll go with you, Papa. I've been meaning to ask you if you could teach me how to help you in your work, I mean." Both her parents looked at her in surprise, for Victoria had never before shown the slightest interest in the healing arts. In fact, until then, she had been a pretty, carefree child whose chief interests were in gay amusements and an occasional mischievous, prank. Despite their surprise, neither parent voiced an objection.

Victoria and her father had always been close. From that day forward, they became inseparable. She accompanied him nearly everywhere he went and, although he flatly refused to permit her to assist him in his treatment of his male patients, he was more then happy to have her help at any other time.

Neither of them ever mentioned the sad things they had discussed on that fateful Christmas night. Instead they filled their time together with cozy conversations and lighthearted banter, for despite the sorrow in his heart, Patrick Seaton was a man who appreciated the value of laughter.

Victoria had already inherited her mother's startling beauty and her father's humor and courage. Now she learned compassion and idealism from him as well. As a little girl, she had easily won over the villagers with her beauty and bright, irresistible smile. They had liked her as a charming, carefree girl; they adored her as she matured into a spirited young lady who worried about their ailments and teased away their sullens.

Copyright © 1987 by Judith McNaught

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 80 )
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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 80 Customer Reviews
  • Posted February 26, 2010

    PERFECTION!!

    Once and Always is Judith McNaught at her absolute best!!!! I hold this book near and dear to my heart. It is my #1 all time favorite book period. It battled it out w/Whitney My Love for a while but it eventually emerged the victor. I recently bought it again for my collection and fell in love w/it all over again.
    You'll have to forgive me because I can go on about this one a bit. It's a great story w/great lovable characters. Judith's writing is just so ridiculously good. I mean I could hear the clip of Jason's boots when he entered a room. And Charles heartache over Katherine was so very piercing. I've never rooted more for two characters. And Victoria is the awesomest heroine. She was everything you want to see in yourself. Hell she had common sense and the patience of Job to deal w/Jason and his lunacy. LOVE, LOVE, Loved it!

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 13, 2010

    I Also Recommend:

    I LOVE MCNAUGHT'S BOOKS

    I love this book because the story is believable and the characters are well thought out. I liked Jason simply because he isn't your typical hero. He's damaged goods but when you find out why he seems to think the way he does, you will be in tears for this man!

    This novel may not be for everyone. It has its violent moments and that Jason rapes Victoria the first time they are intimate makes you raise a brow.

    It's a slow process for the feelings to mount between them, but when they do...

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 25, 2008

    I Also Recommend:

    Great Love Story

    I loved this book. I could not stop reading and even though I was through with it I read over and over again. It is even better when you read over. If love romances you'll love this book.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 1, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Touching!

    This is the second best book to "Whitney, My Love" so far! I am so touched by the anguish of the characters, how can love be as deep rooted as to lay the whole world at her feet, the insanity of losing his beloved one, how a woman can gain trust from her worst enemy the only man she is meant to be with as long as she lives, I adored Jason as much as Clayton but not as crazy though, I envied Victoria as much as I hated Whitney :) These folks are close friends in the book "Until You". I hope you would enjoy the ride as much as I have :)

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted August 27, 2009

    GREAT BOOK!

    I LOVED it!! This was my first book by Judith McNaught and it won't be the last. Jason took my breath away with his stubborness. All the characters were so real. I had throughly enjoyed this book.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 6, 2009

    Once & Always

    For me, this is the best out of the 9 novels I've read by McNaught's. I've had this book since 7 years ago and I've read it so many times the pages are almost torn apart. I've purchased the same book to store in case I feel like reading it again. I must say, I've read various of novels from different authors but this will ALWAYS be my favorite... well, first to Garwood's 'The Bride.'

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 25, 2006

    Absolutely great

    I loved this book. I read TONS of historical romance, and I'v been reading for almost 5 years. There were some things that I wanted to have changed about the story and characters though... I mean, what about Andrew? He was the most hurt in all of this... Otherwise, I fell in love with Victoria and Jason. Read it, you'll laugh and feel good all over!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 25, 2006

    Addicted

    This is the 1st book i red... i love it soooo much..i was so....captivated by Victoria and Jason...It made me cry and laugh at the same time...and that started my addiction with Judith Mc Naught Books...I cannot have enough....I collected and re read and re read it...i was so hooked up....

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 9, 2006

    If you like it Romanitc...

    If you are a hopeles romantic, and like to make yourself sick with wanting for what your reading, then this is the book for you. Its phenominal, its tottaly soul-seering, and absolutly remarkable. This is my favorite book on the planet, by my favorite auther. I can read it over and over, and the tears still come. Does that tell you somthing? Maybe, that im a tad bit over romantic. But who cares? This book was made for people like me!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted September 11, 2013

    Great story. Love the tension between the characters. Love Victo

    Great story. Love the tension between the characters. Love Victoria's character. Jason is a great male lead even though he gets quite dark at certain points, but that is probably what draws you to him.

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  • Posted December 13, 2011

    Highly Recommended - you must check it out!!

    like it a lot

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 27, 2011

    One of my absolute favorites

    I've read so many romance novels now (mostly historical) and this is one of my favorites! The characters are so wonderful, you really fall in love with them. Their situation is far from perfect, which makes it so much more believable. He is so different from other regency heros and there's an actually worthy and nice "other guy,"... the situation reads like a complicated, real life romance. Also, this one is very sexy, it'll take your breath away. McNaught takes the time to develop the plot and the characters before they are thrown into a situation where they can fall in love, I haven't found another romance writer I like as much. If you like regency romance this one is a MUST READ and OWN!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted February 11, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    Great Love Story

    My favorite escapist romance novel of all time. I've read it at least 5 times and every time I feel for these characters.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted January 13, 2011

    Love it

    I read this book about once a year...wish I could get it came in ebook.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted December 26, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    Please read if you haven't already!

    Once & Always is a definite page turner! I couldn't get enough of it. I loved Jason and Victoria! Words can't describe how I feel about this book. It's one of my favorites!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 19, 2006

    Read it Once and you'll love it Always!

    Judith McNaught is in a class all her own. This story is funny, smart, sweet, sensual and heartwarming all at once. I have read this book and Something Wonderful so many times that both books fell apart and I had to buy new copies! I recommend this book to anyone who likes a good story!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 13, 2006

    Awsome Book

    this is the best romance book I have ever read. I love the ending and the whole story was just a great romance. It is just the gratest book ever!!!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 22, 2005

    Brilliant!!!

    This story was richly written. The ending was positively romantic! I always love a McNaught.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 4, 2005

    Love it, Love it, can't get enough!

    I read this two months ago.I cried three times reading it. I thought it was 'Great'. I still get emotional talking about it.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 20, 2005

    Recommended, but it was just Okay

    This is the second book by Judith McNaught that I have read. IT is okay, but it just takes too Long to get to the point. I recommend if you are a romance reader but not if you are a first time romance reader. I also felt so bad for Andrew who did nothing wrong but who was left all alone.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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