Our Love Is Too Good to Feel so Bad; A Step-by-Step Guide to Identifying and Eliminating the Love Killer in Your Relationship

Overview

We just don't know how to make each other happy any more."

''Sex used to be really good. Now it doesn't go right at all. You don't suddenly lose the ability to make scrambled eggs. So why would we forget how to make love?"

We can't seem to talk without fighting. How did we get into this? I know what we're mad about, but I don't know why things keep making us so mad."

Many of us have had experiences like these. Something's wrong—perhaps ...

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Overview

We just don't know how to make each other happy any more."

''Sex used to be really good. Now it doesn't go right at all. You don't suddenly lose the ability to make scrambled eggs. So why would we forget how to make love?"

We can't seem to talk without fighting. How did we get into this? I know what we're mad about, but I don't know why things keep making us so mad."

Many of us have had experiences like these. Something's wrong—perhaps seriously wrong—but it's a complete mystery why a once-healthy relationship is now in trouble. You're tired of working unproductively on it, you're tired of feeling so confused, and you're tired of solutions that seem complicated and irrelevant. You deserve to know what your real couples problem is and what to do to solve it.

This book does something that no book has ever done before. It shows you how to sort through all the pain and confusion in your relationship, put your finger on exactly what's been causing all the troubles, and find the precise way to eliminate them. For the first time, psychotherapist and bestselling author Mira Kirshenbaum has identified ten love killers that cause all the pain and mysterious problems couples get into. By answering simple questions, you'll be able to diagnose your individual case and identify the love killers responsible for your specific problems.

We just don't know how to make each other happy any more."

''Sex used to be really good. Now it doesn't go right at all. You don't suddenly lose the ability to make scrambled eggs. So why would we forget how to make love?"

We can't seem to talk without fighting. How did we get into this? I know what we're mad about, but I don't know why things keep making us so mad."

Many of us have had experiences like these. Something's wrong—perhaps seriously wrong—but it's a complete mystery why a once-healthy relationship is now in trouble. You're tired of working unproductively on it, you're tired of feeling so confused, and you're tired of solutions that seem complicated and irrelevant. You deserve to know what your real couples problem is and what to do to solve it.

This book does something that no book has ever done before. It shows you how to sort through all the pain and confusion in your relationship, put your finger on exactly what's been causing all the troubles, and find the precise way to eliminate them. For the first time, psychotherapist and bestselling author Mira Kirshenbaum has identified ten love killers that cause all the pain and mysterious problems couples get into. By answering simple questions, you'll be able to diagnose your individual case and identify the love killers responsible for your specific problems.

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What People Are Saying

Rose DeWolf
Helpful reading for both long-time partners and about-to-be's on how to keep the good titmes rolling. -- Co-author of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make and Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
Schwartz, Ph.d.
Mira Kirshenbaum is so delightfully frank and wise that she instills instant confidence in her very good ideas. Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad should give real hope to couples who think their marriage has been so seriously damaged that there is no way left but out. -- Author of Peer Marriage
Schoenewolf, Ph.D.
What makes Mira Kirshenbaum's book stand out from the rest is her bold and refreshing honesty: touches and inspires. -- Author of The Couple Who Fell in Hate
Peter Breggin, M.D.
Mira Kirshenbaum respects the power love has in our lives. With wisdom and a light touch she offers practical tools and direction for couples to use in healing a troubled relationship. -- Author of Talking Back to Prozac and The Heart of Being Helpful
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780380976089
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 4/28/1998
  • Edition description: First Edition
  • Edition number: 1
  • Pages: 318
  • Product dimensions: 6.46 (w) x 9.59 (h) x 1.20 (d)

Meet the Author

Mira Kirshenbaum is an individual and family psychotherapist in private practice and the director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Massachusetts. She lives in Boston with her husband of thirty-two years. They have two grown children.

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Read an Excerpt

STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE

A Personal Introduction

It s time to put an end to feeling confused by what's going on with love in your life. What if there are problems in your relationship? Okay. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, let's find out exactly what's causing your problems, fix it, and get on with the business of being happy in love again. That's what we all want. That's what you'll get here.

I wrote this book because when your relationship is in trouble, you want to know why. Now, finally, you will know.

We're used to the idea of diagnosing the diseases that make our bodies feel bad, because that's the only way to know exactly what to do to make our bodies feel good again. In fact, you insist on a personalized diagnosis when you go to the doctor. Most of us would like custom-tailoring in every part of our lives—from our clothing to our kitchen cabinets to our financial plans. Don't you crave and deserve a personalized diagnosis and prescription when it comes to the problems that involve the love of your life?

This is the first book that will make it possible for you to diagnose the relationship diseases that are actually threatening the health and viability of your love. Now, finally, you will know exactly how to bring your relationship back to full health.

TWO THOUSAND LOVE LESSONS

For twenty-five years now I've worked as a couples therapist, fighting alongside you in your battle to save your relationship. And I care about love now more than ever. I believe that at the end of the day, love is what matters most. No talent is more important than being able to love with your whole heart and all yoursmarts. No defeat is more gut wrenching than the loss of love. No accomplishment is more satisfying than keeping your love alive.

Sometimes, though, things go wrong with love. You're sure your relationship is too good to feel so bad, but somehow it gets sick anyway. It feels bad and functions poorly. And sometimes a relationship gets so sick it dies. Let's face it. It's easy for relationships to get sick these days, as you'll see, if only from the parts of our lives that stress us as individuals—overwork, worry, pressure, fatigue, and so on.

But if your relationship gets sick, what are the diseases it can come down with, and how do we cure them?

HELP AT LAST

It was people like you who helped me answer this. It can take one person a lifetime to learn just one true lesson about love. I've been lucky. I've intimately gotten to know and significantly touched the lives of over a thousand couples. That's two thousand people of every age, race, sexual orientation, and social and economic background. I've had this privilege because in addition to all the years I've devoted to helping people directly as a therapist, I've also spent the last fourteen years doing the re search that led to this book.

I'll talk about this research later, but the essence of it is that we were trying to understand why some relationships live and others die. One thing I've learned is that there's nothing about who we are as people—not gender, not personal history, nothing—that dooms relationships to fall apart. You and I may be imperfect, but a lifetime of love is the way we humans mate— it's as natural to us as any form of mating is to any of God's creatures.

That's why it's so important to discover just what the potentially fatal relationship diseases really are, and over the years men and women just like you have shown them to me. Most important, you've shown me what works best to eliminate them, based on the hard-earned evidence of your own lives.

WHAT THIS BOOK MEANS FOR YOU

Whenever there's real trouble in your relationship, you just want to know what's causing it and how to make the trouble go away. Here's how one woman put it N~ "We just don't know how to make each other happy anymore. But I don't know what this unhappiness is about or where it's come from. It's like there's this lake of misery we've fallen into that we can't swim out of, even though we used to know how to swim. Why is this happening to us? Why?"

Even though Nancy's racked her brains, ultimately it's a mystery to her where the problems in her relationship come from. Most of us are in the same boat.

Based on what everyday men and women report, here are the top ten relationship problems people find most mysterious:

THE TOP TEN LOVE MYSTERIES

1. Why can't we talk without fighting? "I wish we could have one conversation that didn't end in an explosion. But if some thing's bothering me, or if I just want to know how Mike's day was, I say something, then he says something, and the next thing you know we're having a big fight."

2. Why can't we have more fun? "Jeez, we really used to have fun together, you know, go out and enjoy ourselves, or even just stay home. Well, I'd like us to have fun together again like that."

3. Why can't we feel closer? "When we were first together I felt Lisa and I were soulmates—we knew what the other was thinking. Now we're both so businesslike and busy I don't feel close to her at all."

4. Why can't we have more good sex? "Sex used to be okay, you know? Then it got lousy. You don't suddenly forget how to make scrambled eggs—why would we forget how to make love? We work at it, but it's become, like, a project Now it never feels right."

5. Why can't we get our needs met? "He's always complaining, why can't I do this for him and why can't I be like that, and the fact is there are things I need I've given up on. We've both got to get more of what we want."

6. Why can't we feel appreciated? " 'You suck.' That's the message I get from morning until night. I don't need for her to kiss my ass or think I'm Superman, but I'd like to get a little of that gee-you're-terrific stuff I used to get all the time when we were first together."

7. Why can't we understand what makes the other tick? "This happens all the time. Yesterday he was happy, and the day be fore, but today we get up and it's a nice Saturday and suddenly I can't do anything right. And he says he can't figure me out."

8. Why doesn't it feel like love? "When we got married we promised we'd get a divorce if we ever stopped loving each other. But it's not that simple. I think we still love each other, but the way things are now we don't act like people who love each other. How did we go from we love each other and it's easy to it's so hard for us to feel like we love each other?"

9. Why can't we stop hurting each other? "I'm going to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt him, but I think he wants to hurt me. The thing is that either way, we say and do things that hurt each other, and we can't stop doing them. Why do we keep treating each other like crap?"

10. Why can't we put the past behind us? "Okay, I screwed up, I admit it. It's not like she hasn't done a lot of lousy things too. So are we going to fight about my 'crimes' forever?"

 

 

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