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Establish healthy control through easy-to-implement steps without anger, threats, nagging, or power struggles.
Indexed for easy reference.
A wise child loves discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
Proverbs 13:1
A mother and father stand outside of a restaurant in the rain asking their three-year-old, Chloe, to get in the car so the family can go home. Chloe refuses. Her parents spend the next fifteen minutes begging and pleading with her to do it on her own. At one point, the father gets down on his knees in the puddles, trying to reason her into the car. She finally complies, but only after her parents agree to buy her a soda on the way home. If they have to use a soda to buy her off at three, what will they be facing when she reaches sixteen?
* * *
Jim sits in the airport awaiting a flight, watching as a mother gives at least eighty different demands to her three-year-old boy over the course of an hour without ever enforcing one of them:
"Come back here, Logan!"
"Don't go over there, Logan!"
"You better listen to me, Logan, or else!"
"I mean it, Logan!"
"Don't run, Logan!"
"Come back here so you don't get hurt, Logan!"
Logan eventually finds his way to where Jim is seated. The toddler smiles at him while ignoring his mother. The mother yells, "Logan,you get away from that man! You get over here this instant!"
Jim smiles down at Logan and asks, "Hey, Logan, what is your mom going to do if you don't get over there?"
He looks up and grins. "She not goin' to do nothin'." And then his eyes twinkle and his grin becomes wider.
It turns out he is right. She finally comes apologizing. "I'm sorry he's bothering you, but you know how three-year-olds are. They just won't listen to one thing you tell them."
* * *
On a Saturday at a local supermarket, two boys-ages five and seven-have declared war. Like guerrillas on a raiding party, they sneak from aisle to aisle, hiding behind displays and squeaking their tennies on the tile floor. Then suddenly a crash-the result of a game of "shopping cart chicken"-pierces the otherwise calming background Muzak.
The mother, having lost sight of this self-appointed commando unit, abandons her half-filled cart. As she rounds a corner, her screams turn the heads of other shoppers: "Don't get lost!" "Don't touch that!" "You-get over here!" She races for the boys, and as she's about to grab two sweaty necks, they turn to Tactic B: "the split up," a twenty-first-century version of "divide and conquer." Now she must run in two directions at once to shout at them. Wheezing with exertion, she corrals the younger one, who just blitzed the cereal section, leaving a trail of boxes. But when she returns him to her cart, the older boy is gone. She locates him in produce, rolling seedless grapes like marbles across the floor.
After scooping up Boy Number Two and carrying him back, you guessed it, she finds that Boy Number One has disappeared. Mom sprints from her cart once more. Finally, after she threatens murder and the pawning of their Nintendo game system, the boys are gathered.
But the battle's not over. Tactic C follows: the "fill the cart when Mom's not looking" game. Soon M&Ms, Oreos, vanilla wafers, and jumbo Snickers bars are piled high. Mom races back and forth reshelving the treats. Then come boyish smirks and another round of threats from Mom: "Don't do that!" "I'm going to slap your hands!" And in a cry of desperation: "You're never going to leave the house again for the rest of your lives!"
Frazzled, harried, and broken, Mom finally surrenders and buys off her precious flesh and blood with candy bars-a cease-fire that guarantees enough peace to finish her rounds.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
Ah, yes, parenting-the joys, the rewards. We become parents with optimism oozing from every pore. During late-night feedings and sickening diaper changes, we know we are laying the groundwork for a lifelong relationship that will bless us when our hair turns gray or disappears. We look forward to times of tenderness and times of love, shared joys and shared disappointments, hugs and encouragement, words of comfort, and soul-filled conversations.
But the joys of parenting were far from the minds of the parents in the previous stories. No freshly scrubbed cherubs flitted through their lives, hanging on every soft word dropping from Mommy's or Daddy's lips. Where was that gratifying, loving, personal relationship between parent and child? The sublime joys of parenting were obliterated by a more immediate concern: survival.
This was parenting, the nightmare.
Scenes like these happen to the best of us. When they do, we may want to throw our hands in the air and scream, "Kids! Are they worth the pain?" Sometimes kids can be a bigger hassle than a house with one shower. When we think of the enormous love we pump into our children's lives and then the sassy, disobedient, unappreciative behavior we receive in return, we can get pretty burned out on the whole process. Besides riddling our lives with day-to-day hassles, kids present us with perhaps the greatest challenge of our adulthood: raising our children to be responsible adults.
Through the miracle of birth, we are given a tiny, defenseless babe totally dependent on us for every physical need. We have a mere eighteen years at most to ready that suckling for a world that can be cruel and heartless. That child's success in the real world hinges in large part on the job we do as parents. Just thinking about raising responsible, well-rounded kids sends a sobering shiver of responsibility right up the old parental spine. Many of us have felt queasy after a thought such as this: If I can't handle a five-year-old in a grocery store, what am I going to do with a fifteen-year-old who seems to have an enormous understanding of sex and is counting the days until he gets a driver's license?
Putting the Fun Back into Parenting
All is not so bleak. Trust us! There's hope, shining beacon bright, at the end of the tunnel of parental frustration. Parenting doesn't have to be drudgery. Children can grow to be thinking, responsible adults. We can help them do it without living through an eighteen-year horror movie.
Parenting with Love and Logic is all about raising responsible kids. It's a win-win philosophy. Parents win because they love in a healthy way and establish control over their kids without resorting to the anger and threats that encourage rebellious teenage behavior. Kids win because they learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. Thus, they acquire the tools for coping with the real world.
Parents and kids can establish a rewarding relationship built on love and trust in the process. What a deal! Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline Jim Fay Copyright © 2006 by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Anonymous
Posted July 1, 2009
The basic premise of this book is thet if you let children suffer the consiquenses (withen reason) of their acctions they'll learn from them. Parents seem to beleive that it is their job to completely shelter kids from natural, real world consiquenses or to impose overly harsh punishments for every infraction. Letting a child leave the house without a coat won't kill them, and they'll learn that next time, they should wear one. If a kid won't do homework, then their grades will suffer which can lead to loss of privelages at home or at school. Children learn by doing, and sometimes that means allowing them to to the wrong thing as long as they are kept from doing permanent physical, mental, or emotional harm to themselves or others.
The only problem I have with this book is the authors focus on "Christian" values. I do feel that this can distance parents of other religious backrounds and beliefs. Honestly, being rasied Christian doesn't make a child any more likely to be a well behaved, well adjusted person then being raised Jewish, Muslim, Budist, Hindu, Pagan, or Athiest. Good parenting is good parenting, regardless of religious faith.
19 out of 35 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted July 8, 2010
I am a single female guardian of two teenage boys that have had a life of "Hell" (their word not mine) & it is so true. All of my Our counselor recommended this book and oh how it has changed our home. Both boys are ADHD, ODD, ICD and depressive diagnosed add in the fact that so far in their short life they have had no parental supervision, have been verbally & physically abused, taught how to steel at the age of 5 & 6, NO moral values and are totally defiant & disrespectfully. I am now using the techniques from the book and LIFE HAS/IS CHANGING!!!! They care about themselves, how they feel, how they look & most importantly how they act. They are respectful and want to do good in life, they have goals and are working so hard to achieve them. Don't get me wrong we still have our days but they are less & less. I would recommend this book to everyone!!!!!
12 out of 12 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.writermomAW
Posted April 24, 2010
Parenting With Love and Logic is the best parenting resource I have found. It offers practical advice that can be implemented right away. As a parent of a teenager and small children, this book has been a lifesaver, and helpful across all ages. Unfortunately, I rushed in and saved my teen from all failures and mistakes while he was young, and now his decision making abilities are seriously impaired. He is also argumentative and lacks respect for authority. After reading this book, I started to allow him to experience natural consequences for his actions and stopped bailing him out. He was shocked at first, but now he knows that he will have to face the consequences for his actions and he is slowly changing for the better. I hope by college he will be stronger in decision making and respect. I'm thankful to implement these truths with my smaller children, so they can grow up with more true confidence and decision making abilities.
8 out of 8 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted February 20, 2010
They say kids don't come with instruction books, but if they did, this should be the one.
4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.hlowe
Posted September 23, 2011
I've used only a few of the techniques and it's like using magic. The effect of using Love & Logic is making all of our lives more fun. My children have responded so positively to my new style of parenting...no more yelling, screaming, threatening, etc. The may not be thrilled while dealing with their consequences, but it's taught them more than 'time-out'.
Love, Love, Love Love & Logic!!
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted May 2, 2009
I Also Recommend:
Stop bribing, arguing, and feeling overwhelmed. Logical parenting with real results.
3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.SpeakingOut
Posted June 21, 2012
While these books may have been an attempt at reducing the hitting and punishing of children 20 years ago, we now know that using power to manipulate children's behaviour is neither loving, nor logical. Children raised this way are likely to experience huge amounts of helpless and rage, because the techniques used here are to make sure that the parent is always in control, and the child is always controlled. There is no understanding here of the underlying needs and feelings of children, or the fact that by getting into an adversarial relationship with them does not bring about connection and cooperation, but helplesness, rage and rebellion, which explains why they are seeing so many defiant and rebellious children among those raised using these techniques. I would rather suggest books such as "Parenting for a Peaceful World", by Robin Grille, "Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort, " or any of the books by more insightful righters such as Aletha Solter, Larua Markham, Pam Leo, Alfie Kohn, etc.who have understanding about what drives children's behaviour, and how to raise happy, cooperative, confident kids!
2 out of 11 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted March 6, 2012
I will have to say, our house was a house of screamers, and yelling. I wish I would have had this book 15 years ago when we got custody of my step son. I am using it with our 12 and 8 year old, and after reading and using this book for almost three weeks now, the yelling and screaming is coming to a halt, back talk,not getting ready for school, church whatever is getting better each day.. As far as Christian Values, yes it quotes the Bible, but get over that part, the rest is wonderful for all parent of all faith, just don't read the bible verse if it offends you. but don't let that deter you from this book. I would have loved to have seen a section, on destructive behavior, other not having that in the book it's wonderful.. I think all parents before leaving the hospital, should get this book, I am going to buy one for a friend for her baby shower.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.For2unekukie
Posted February 28, 2012
I HIGHLY recommend purchasing this book & they also have a website that you can find other resources that you can't find in a bookstore. I absolutely LOVE these techniques & they truly work!!! :)
I can't say enough good things about this book & the techniques they teach. I find it "funny" how the "bad" reviews on this book are "anonymous" & they say nothing about "why" they rated the book so low. This book deserves MORE than 5 stars! :)
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted July 2, 2012
I am a mom of three kids. I have a 14 year old son, a 5 year old son and an almost 4 year old daughter. This book and the teen book really helped me sort out my thoughts and not be so stressed out while helping to teach my kids valuable thinking lessons. I'm so grateful my friend recommended it to me!
1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted June 29, 2009
I found this book to be inspiring and helpful.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted May 15, 2009
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Overview
Establish healthy control through easy-to-implement steps without anger, threats, nagging, or power struggles.
Indexed for easy reference.