Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball

Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball

4.8 7
by David Wells, Chris Kreski

View All Available Formats & Editions

This is a guy who ...

  • Grew up among Hell's Angels, taking their Harleys for solo joyrides at age eleven ...
  • Prepares for every outing by blasting Metallica, AC/DC, and Godsmack at eardrum-bursting levels in the Yankees' locker room ...
  • Regularly tried to coerce attractive women in the stands into lifting up their shirts from the Toronto

…  See more details below


This is a guy who ...

  • Grew up among Hell's Angels, taking their Harleys for solo joyrides at age eleven ...
  • Prepares for every outing by blasting Metallica, AC/DC, and Godsmack at eardrum-bursting levels in the Yankees' locker room ...
  • Regularly tried to coerce attractive women in the stands into lifting up their shirts from the Toronto Blue Jays' bullpen ...
  • Endured huge, cortisone-loaded hypodermic shots straight into the spine to avoid missing scheduled pitching starts ...
  • Was the 1998 ALCS MVP and the 2002 ALDS goat ...
  • Has become legendary for his brawling, beer-drenched, no-holds-barred or punches-pulled lifestyle off the mound ...

Editorial Reviews
The Barnes & Noble Review
As he recalls a contentious meeting with sportswriters in his autobiography, Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball, David Wells wonders if his next book should be called "How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People."

Consider it done.

Wells became the most hated man in baseball when the galleys of Perfect I'm Not hit the streets with Wells's assertion that up to 40 percent of big leaguers were using steroids and his recollection that he was "half-drunk" when he pitched a perfect game in 1998. He quickly backpedaled on both issues, which is ironic for someone who spends most of the fast-paced and entertaining Perfect I'm Not crafting a reputation as a tell-it-like-it-is rebel. Wells harbors disdain for baseball authority figures such as Cito Gaston, Pat Gillick, and Marge Schott, and he proudly details the near-fight he had with George Steinbrenner in the Yankees' locker room.

However, there's no doubting Wells's blue-collar credentials -- he fondly recalls his Hell's Angels father figures and his summer job as a butcher -- nor his devotion to his mother. Wells writes lovingly of the woman he calls "Attitude Annie" and vividly recalls the premonition he had moments before her death. Wells also provides a refreshingly unvarnished look at life in the "bushes," replete with cockroach-infested bedrooms in Mexico and the difficulty he had keeping a roommate during his first year in pro ball. Perfect I'm Not ensures that Wells will have the same problem at the end of his career. Jerry Beach

Product Details

HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
Edition description:
First Perennial Currents Edition
Sales rank:
Product dimensions:
8.04(w) x 5.18(h) x 0.46(d)
Age Range:
14 - 18 Years

Read an Excerpt

Perfect I'm Not
Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball

Chapter One

My Life as a Woman

Hello, ladies.
Your husbands are looking
very sexy tonight. I think
I'm gonna have sex
with them all!
-- Skank #1

December 1, 2001: New York City

Saturday night, 7:15 P.M. My frosted pink lipstick is layered on thick. My bleached blonde hair is moussed high and sprayed hard, like something you'd see wandering through a New Jersey shopping mall. Tight, black, patent leather pumps are squeezing my feet. Tight, black, queen-size panty hose are squeezing my groin. The cocktail dress I'm wearing feels at least two inches too short. My ass is freezing, but my big, fake boobs are smoking hot.

Thirty-eight Cs, these silicone girls are round, firm, full, and so incredibly perky they actually seem to defy gravity. They're better than perfect. They're fascinating, and strangely magnetic as well. All night long, I'll be happily copping feels of my own fake cleavage.

Right now though, I stand before a full-length mirror, sucking in my gut to get a long, first look at the full bosomy bloom of my own femininity. It's overwhelming. Quickly, and without any doubt whatsoever, I come to the realization that I may actually be the single ugliest woman ever to walk the face of this planet. Without the goatee I might rate a 2. With it, I'm a negative 6. At exactly this moment, someone shouts at me from across the room.

"Dude! You are one homely skank!"

I turn fast, and there's David Cone, red-faced, and laughing so hard the veins in his little pencil neck look like they're about to explode. He's doubled over. He's wheezing. He's even uglier than I am. Decked out in a black spandex miniskirt, polyester leopard-print halter top, and a bimbo-do that's even bigger, fluffier, and sluttier than mine, Coney's a mess. The dude looks like last call at Houlihan's. He makes dirt look pretty. Next to David Cone, I'm Pam Anderson. Side by side in the mirror now, we'll spend the better part of a half hour arguing over which of us is really more gruesome. Finally, rehoisting our bra straps, and readjusting our wigs, we call it a draw and go hunting for Derek Jeter.

Quickly, before you get the wrong idea, let me take a minute to explain that cross-dressing has never been high on my "things-to-do" list. Tonight's drag is a one-off; a command performance set into motion on the spur of the moment by Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels. With Derek Jeter hosting this week's show, the SNL writers have concocted a sketch involving five Yankee wives and a sleazy pair of groupies who chase after their husbands. As the scene is cast, Jeter will be playing Alfonso Soriano's sweet, loving wife, "Candy." Guess who's playing "Skank #1" and "Skank #2"?

Less than three hours ago Coney and I were across the river in Jersey, happily serving as "honored guests" at a dignified, perfect-game-themed, autograph-signing appearance. Now we've both got purple mascara caked onto our lashes, and hairdos the size of sport-utility vehicles. How'd this happen? Simple. I opened my big mouth. Shocker there, huh? Let me backtrack. I've been a rabid SNL fan ever since I was twelve years old, falling off the couch as John Belushi samurai-sliced his way through both the neighborhood deli and Buck Henry's forehead. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that all through my first go-round with the Yankees, I was constantly weaseling myself invitations to Saturday Night Live tapings and also to the show's legendary after-parties. Loud and large and crammed with funny, talented writers, performers, and musicians, these things kick off right after SNL rolls its credits. They end right around the time the sun starts rising over the East River. They're great fun. I love being there, and through years of blatant party-crashing, I've slowly but surely developed a pretty solid "odd couple" friendship with Lorne Michaels, as well as the show's producers and some of the cast.

November 10, 2001. I'm in New York City making a personal appearance at a Manhattan Hooters franchise (tough work, but somebody's gotta do it), signing balls and posters and T-shirts, with the proceeds all going toward 9/11 relief. And since I'm in town on a Saturday, I have to call SNL producer Marci Klein, asking that she hook me up with tickets for tonight's show. As we chat, Marci runs through her usual song and dance about how funny tonight's host is gonna be, but then, from out of nowhere, she surprises me by asking for Derek Jeter's home phone number. I make the obvious joke about how she can't possibly be that hard up, but Marci keeps digging. She tells me SNL wants Derek to host their next live episode, which is scheduled to air the night of December 1. With one more bad, hook-up joke at Marci's expense, I pass along Derek's digits and make plans to be in the studio for "DJ's" debut.

Three weeks pass. Now it's December 1, and Coney and I are signing away in New Jersey, scrawling our names onto balls, baseball cards, T-shirts, and posters, one after another after another. That's when the cell phone rings. It's Marci, and this time she's all business, telling me there's been a great, last-minute sketch written for tonight's show, and it really needs me. She then reads me the whole "Yankee Wives" script over the phone while simultaneously giving me the full, hard-sell, used-car-dealer spin about how funny it'd be to close out the scene with me playing a sleazy ballpark groupie. Laughing into the phone, Marci presses me to commit, on the spot ...

Perfect I'm Not
Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball
. Copyright © by David Wells. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Read More

Meet the Author

David Wells is one of the most colorful, honest, outspoken and genuinely funny beings on this, or any other planet.

Chris Kreski was a writer and consultant for MTV and a head writer of The Daily Show. He cowrote Star Trek Memories and Star Trek Movie Memories, as well as several other books with William Shatner.

Customer Reviews

Average Review:

Write a Review

and post it to your social network


Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See all customer reviews >

Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball 4.9 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 7 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
David Wells is hilarous! What a great insight in the world of baseball. I hate the Yankees, but David Wells made it bearable to relive all those Yankees World Series.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Great baseball (auto)biography. Fun to read and not just about the game but about life around the game. There are moments when you cannot help but laugh out loud. Read this book. It explains why Boomer is Boomer.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I was literally laughing out loud while reading this book. Boomer is hilarious. Prior to reading this book, I was not a Wells fan at all. My attention was drawn by one of the game commentators during the Series this year stating Wells made 'impolite' comments re: Pettitte and Clemens (2 of my fav players, period)...not so. I think his comments were acceptable - they were totally his opinion, he clearly was not trying to win Brownie points from anyone and, like many other readers here, I have no idea why so many people were upset.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Part of the reason why I bought the book was because I'm a HUGE Yankees fan,(GO YANKEES by the way), a HUGE David Wells fan, and mostly because I wanted to see what the whole controversy was all about. Well, that fine they made Boomer pay was all worth it because this is probably the best book I've ever read. I was laughing every minute I spent reading it and I didn't want to put it down!I love the inside look on David's life and what really goes on in the clubhouse. But what I love most about this book is that it's written in Boomer's voice, he tells it like it is... he's honest straight-forward and he doesn't care who he's offending, and I LOVE that about him!I personally don't think that it's as controversial as they made it to be, you shouldn't judge the book before you read it... and you definitely should read this book.
Guest More than 1 year ago
The first thing i will say to someone when they ask me about this book, is the fact that wells was hilarious, and humorous... He brings an honest, straightforward opinion on the authority figures of baseball... I felt that david should have gotton more in depth about the players he played with, but nontheless, it was a very enjoyable book that should be picked up by every baseball fan...
Guest More than 1 year ago
while the book seemed too wordy at times it still proved to be one of the greatest books ive read in a while. :) id also like to point out i expelled gas while reading this... that made me laugh as well... i felt apart of the david wells family... thats how comfortable i felt expelling gas...! READ!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I have no idea why everyone is getting their panties all up in a bunch about this book! Wells gives an honest perception and opinion on life in baseball. From his young life, through his struggle in the minors, and breakthrough in the majors, David kept me laughing! Great job.