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How to Avoid the Beat Down and Live in a Drama-Free World
What Is a
What is player hating? I'm so glad that you asked. It's a syndrome suffered by most women that attacks our egos without warning, causing us to lash out at other women for the smallest of reasons. Oh, but don't worry, there's definitely a cure for this small, but persistent weakness. You'll probably read about yourself in one of the following chapters; as a matter of fact, we know you will. And don't be afraid to admit that you're a Player hateHER; admission is half the battle. Read on, girl!
Katrina: A Player hateHER, by our definition, is a woman who unnecessarily displays a negative attitude toward another woman for trivial reasons. For the most part, whenever you openly disagree with another woman's choices in life, such as how she wears her hair, how she chooses to dress, what man she chooses to be with, and the list goes on . . . you're being a Player hateHER. Don't be fooled into thinking you're innocent and excluded from this group; everyone has been a Player hateHER at one time or another, and It could be instigated by anything.
Tamara: For instance, you're having a get--together at your house and you realize you still need a few extra odds and ends from the grocery store. You think to yourself, let me hurry and get there before the store closes. You're at the grocery store wearing a T-shirt, sweatpants, and a baseball cap. You thought it didn't matter how you looked because you were just making a quick run to the store. While you're in the produce aisle, you notice a woman dressed like a millionbucks. She's in her nightclub best with her "all my breasts are revealed" leopard-print tank top, skintight black capri pants, six-inch leopard-print mules to match, and a toe ring for every toe (except the big ones). Immediately you think to yourself, "It's only the grocery store, not dinner and a movie." Lo and behold, woman, you are player-hatin'.
Katrina: Player hating starts early. On the elementary school playground, little Suzie, who has fancy clothes and "good" hair, talks about little Lisa, who is dressed in hand-me-downs and has more "natural" hair. Suzie says to her friends in a voice, loud enough for Lisa to hear, "Her hair is so nappy!" And laughs out loud with her friends. Thus, the Player hateHER is born. I think everyone can admit that there was a little Suzie and a little Lisa in their school. There's often some kind of rivalry among females. Sometimes it's subtle, and other times it can be loud enough for the whole world to hear. As long as we long to change something about ourselves or want something the next woman possesses, we will always find fault with a woman who's taking charge of her life.
Tamara: When I was a child, my family didn't have a lot of money. Every day in school was a living hell for me. I didn't fit into any of the "cliques." I was too "down" for the nerds and too poor to fit in with the fancy girls. So I just bounced along between the lines throughout my school days. The kids at school took advantage of every opportunity to point out my misfortunes. Children can be cruel. Unknowingly, they initiated me into the cycle of player hating.
Katrina: I, on the other hand, grew up with a lifestyle that could probably best be described as the exact opposite of Tamara's. I was very popular, which I used to my advantage, and with very little effort I had others wanting to join me. While I was struggling to break into the entertainment industry, I often worked as a teacher to generate additional income. Usually, it was as a substitute teacher, but having a bachelor's degree also gave me the opportunity to teach full-time. While working as an educator in the public school system on the elementary, intermediate, and high school level, I was able to see firsthand how detrimental picking on someone who is less fortunate can be. But when I was in school, I certainly didn't realize this. My friends and I could make or break a little girl like Tamara with the simplest of acts. I could lift her spirits up with a simple hello or I could crush that very same spirit by pointing and looking down at her "no name" shoes as I glided by in my brand-new Nike tennis shoes.
As the Player hateHER grows older, her actions become more subtle. When you were a kid you could be blatant, but as an adult, you know that's rude, so now you find more clever ways to player-hate; like whispering, sign language, eye rolling, and of course, staring. However, for adult women, joining a "clique" takes on a whole new meaning. Most of us don't even know that we are a part of one.
Tiffany recalls the time when her college roommate, Lacy, stopped speaking to her because earlier that day she had seen her sitting in the café with Alexis, who had been rumored to be a lesbian. And Lacy was a definite homophobe. She even accused her own boyfriend of being on the "down low" several times throughout their two-year relationship. But this time she went too far: she spoke to the RA to request a new roommate. The next day Tiffany was asked to move out even though Lacy was the one complaining about the living arrangement! Tiffany and Lacy have not spoken to each other since that day.
Let's face it, we all belong to certain groups. We may go from one group to the next on any occasion: from poor to rich, from the church to the club. But no one is exempt from membership in cliques, and as women, we are all a part of this divided society that makes up our player-hating world.Player HateHer
How to Avoid the Beat Down and Live in a Drama-Free World. Copyright � by Tamara Johnson-George. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.