Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace

Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace

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by Adam Chromy, Jill Morris

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If you work in the kind of place where your boss's door is always open, the coffee is always refilled, and professionalism reigns, then kindly put down this book and throw yourself off something very tall. If years of being frustrated by arrogant douche bags and mental pygmies have left you ready to burn the world to the ground while laughing, then prepare to

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If you work in the kind of place where your boss's door is always open, the coffee is always refilled, and professionalism reigns, then kindly put down this book and throw yourself off something very tall. If years of being frustrated by arrogant douche bags and mental pygmies have left you ready to burn the world to the ground while laughing, then prepare to discover someone actually has it worse.

Inspired by the hugely popular website, Please Fire Me is

"A venting ground for the malemployed." —Thrillist

"A really funny, bitchy co-worker." —The L Magazine

Read hilarious workplace horror stories and follow the PFM guide to surviving the corporate machine.

"Your boss is illiterate, your co-worker eats her own hair—whine it all out on Please Fire Me."—

"Read Please Fire Me and be happy your job isn't that bad." —Smart Pretty and Awkward

"Hilarious." —Times & Transcript

Editorial Reviews

Kirkus Reviews

Chromy and Morris adapt their online venue for venting,, into a fictitious primer for a working-class revolution.

Perhaps people hate their jobs more in an economic downturn when the option to quit is no longer on the table and the words "You're fired!" can often provide the comfort of a steady unemployment check. That conundrum is what inspired Chromy and Morris to create their popular website where irate, disgruntled employees post their frustrations without fear of reprisal. This literary rendition framed as a faux revolutionary manifesto provides rants from the humorous ("Please fire me. I am dressed like a smoothie") to the zany ("Please fire me. I work in a restaurant. One day, I meet this nice old lady who gives me a hug. Then she says, 'Oops, I probably shouldn't be doing that; I have TB' ") to the downright ridiculous ("Please fire me. My wife went into unexpected early birth of my first child. When I asked my manager if I could leave work to be with my wife at the hospital he replied, 'Well, that's just poor planning on your part. What's more important, your career or your family?' ") Smirks and sidesplitting laughs are abundant, but the scattered format of the hit-and-miss revolutionary dialogue the authors use to plug the gaps between the real-life testimonies is apt to leave readers unsatisfied. When the book does work, however, even the most despondent of workers won't be able to help cracking a smile at this collection of hilarious tales from the labor front.

Scan for the funny and skip the rest.

Product Details

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Read an Excerpt


Posts from the Revolting Workplace
By Adam Chromy Jill Morris Johnny McNulty


Copyright © 2011 Adam Chromy
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-8065-3443-5

Chapter One

Powerpoint the Finger at Them

An informative slideshow to explain your morale is sliding

Thank you for meeting us in this abandoned office space. Welcome to the Underground. Quickly, now! Someone get the lights! Go! Go! Go! We have a life-or-death PowerPoint presentation to get to! Also, you can't keep your yogurt in the fridge because we're squatting.

Each slide features a cry for help submitted to our popular website, the only place where mistreated workers may "Submit if they can't quit." As we mentioned on the payphone when we spoke to you through our top-secret voice-changing device, we're here from the Please Fire Me Revolution. To make this meeting less creepy, we will speak to you with our real voice—not the evil robot voice that had to repeat everything because you said it was hard to understand. Please pay attention: we've responded to each PFM submission with 100 percent accurate research and material that you may find useful as the Revolution progresses.

Please sit back for about ten minutes while we figure out how to set up the video projector. I hope we have the right adapter cord. Someone please hum to make it less uncomfortable in here. Just give us a second. I think we have this thing working. You'll know it's working if you see pie charts.

Famous Lines in Quitting

I will demean neither myself nor Chanel No. 5 by continuing to sell to you suburban ... Neanderthals! —Nolan Harte, Nordstrom's salesman, 2004

Chapter Two

A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Copy and Paste

The University of Oxfired offers continued education for the miserable

Thank you for meeting us at the outlet coffee mug store Mug Shots. Please take this university literature. You have a crappy job, but you can't get a better one without an education, so we're sending you to the University of Oxfired. It is the only institution of learning accredited by the Please Fire Me Revolution.

Many of our nation's most demoralized employees boast Oxfired as their alma mater: data entry specialists, front-desk receptionists, and other occupations that require a stressfully small use of thought yet somehow cause hives. An institution that prides itself on stimulating the underactive brain, Oxfired also teaches the overeducated brain skills to employ at a malemployed job.

You now hold in your hands (don't open it now, Dale!) an acceptance letter, course catalog, and other academic materials. Why should you want to enroll? Their mascot is a whale with a top hat, and you made a promise to your wife you'd endure your job. Not just for her, but for your two Bernese mountain dogs that she made you buy, too.

As leaders of the Revolution, we'll be walking you through your Oxfired packet, asking you to take note of PFM posts that show a frustration with how pointless their job is. As potential recruits, your first mission will be to pretend we're trying to decide what mugs to buy for our Xtreme bowling team Spare No Women or Children.

Famous Lines in Quitting

My, like, genius is like, totally not appreciated here. And like, by the way, Tony, I never like, liked your haircut. —former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens

Course Catalog

Course Title: Philosophy 145: The Client Wants to Change Everything

Time: Tuesdays 3–7, but professor may decide to go in new direction

Location: College Hall 103 (for now)

Credit: 6 resumé fillers (highly unlikely you will receive full amount)

Course description: Concepts include letting go of everything you worked on, generating enthusiasm for an inferior idea, and biting your tongue without yelping. Everyone is assigned a partner, and will take turns being related to the client and not having to do any work. The exam is a string of indignities that must be endured without screaming.

Prerequisites: Ethics 101: Attaching Your Name to Projects Without Working on Them

Course Title: CompSci 103: Minimizing Internet Windows

Location:—WHOOPS! Silver Hall room 23 ... sorry

Time: Wednesdays 2:15 p.m.–2:25 p.m.

Credit: 2 resumé fillers

Course description: Basic concepts in moving mouse to top corner of the screen without panicking. Among the topics covered are smooth transitions, understanding the difference between minimize and maximize, and focusing. This course Must be completed before CompSci 104: Minimizing Windows with Key Commands

Prerequisites: "C" or above in CompSci 201: Using Outdated Internet Explorers

Famous Lines in Quitting

I'm taking this very crucial ball bearing and going home! Oh, my God! The shrapnel machine! Is anyone Okay? Hello? I better go.—anonymous

Course Title: Physics 450: The Aerodynamic Properties of Paper

Times: Tuesdays and Thursdays, 5:15 p.m.-6:15 p.m., lab Fridays 12 p.m.–3 p.m.

Location: Office Depot

Credit: 1 resumé filler

Course description: This advanced level course examines crumpled-up paper balls thrown into the trash, as well as folded paper flying shapes. Students will find the weight-to-drag ratios of different stocks of paper, plot the parabolic trajectory of tossed balls at all temperatures and breeze speeds, and test if different folding and crumpling techniques improve performance.

Prerequisites: Physics 101: Napping Without Falling; Physics 230: Throwing Pencils at the Ceiling; Physics 370: How Far Back Can You Lean in Your Chair?

Continuing Education at Oxfired

You do not have to be currently enrolled as a full-time student at the University of Oxfired to enjoy the benefits of our way-too-educated staff. We also allow people who have been hired for a job that do not possess the fully required skills yet to sign up for a class and become a better worker. The registrar found some submissions to the site Please Fire Me to use as examples, to show what classes they could take to improve their efficiency at their amazing jobs!

Famous Lines in Quitting

You can't dump me! I quit!—Susan Angler, Des Moines, IA

Please fire me. Today, I sent an email to my boss explaining a great idea I had on what we could do differently on our weekly reporting. Moments after I sent it, I heard a huge bellow of laughter from her office. The idea was never mentioned again ...

Recommended Continuing Education Courses

Physics 103—Asking Professors How Quarks Work

Fine Art 273—Showing Your Self-Portrait to Football Players

Urban Studies 431—Offering Well-Meaning Advice to New Yorkers

Religion 120—Cheek Turning

Biology 445—The Evolutionary Bias Toward Assholes

Please fire me. My boss didn't even read the document I have spent years working on. His only comments were "indent" and "add pictures."

Recommended Continuing Education Courses

Classics 234—Prometheus and Other Greek Legends Punished for Working

Microsoft Word 201—Indent and Add Pictures

Philosophy 303—Disappointment Through the Ages

History 234—The Decline and Fall of Workplace Courtesy

Religious Studies 279—At Least God Knows You Did It

Please fire me. To cut down on costs, I am now only allowed to wear gloves when preparing food in front of the customers. All the prep work in the back is to be done sans gloves. Today I had to squeeze out all the juice from a giant can of tuna with my bare hands.

Recommended Continuing Education Courses

Ethics 103—Food Poisoning—When Does It Become Murder?

Biology 531—The Evolution of the Human Gag Reflex

Chemistry 137—Understanding Soap

Philosophy 233—Crawling Inside Your Happy Place

Culinary Arts 241—Tuna Slop Recipes from Provence

The Rise of the Professionaletarian Class

Oxfired has long required that all students master work history before getting their Diplomatificate. Unlike the history of the world, the history of work is a long process of the common man becoming less free, happy, and valuable.

Famous Lines in Quitting

I loaded all the computers with Windows ME. Good luck, assholes.—Raj Chandrasekhar, IT guy

Please fire me. The only skill I need for my job is knowledge of the alphabet.

How Easily Could You Be Replaced By a Robot?

How much copying and pasting would you say you do per day?

• None—I retype everything like a professional.

• A few hours—But, I'm slow because I don't know them classy shortcut keys.

• 5–8 hours—I don't know how I get out of bed.

Has your boss ever confused you with an intern?

• Never—He's my father.

• Only once—I had to borrow the intern's clothes. Mine had blood on them.

• Every day—At least he tells me to keep up the great intern work.

Do you have to answer the phone?

• No—I just copy and paste things all day.

• Yes—All I do is transfer people to the person they need to talk to.

• Yes—But the only person who calls is my boss's mistress. Then I just transfer her.

How often do you use the copy machine?

• We don't have one. My boss says he only trusts carbon paper.

• A few times per week. Possibly more if it's Peak Copy Season.

• Hourly. I know that machine better than I know myself.

Have you ever spent an entire workday just shredding documents?

• No—HR sold our shredder on Craigslist because of budget cuts, and we were told to just rip documents in half before we throw them away.

• Half a day—Guess which half of that day didn't include suicidal thoughts?

• Yes—I spend every day shredding. They gave me special earplugs.

What kind of benefits do you get?

• My boss told me the "benefit of the doubt" should be enough.

• Health insurance with a $10,000 deductible and no prescription coverage.

• Free lunch every day. Right at noon, a bowl of slop is placed on the break room table. Plates and utensils aren't provided.


We'll all be replaced by a robot sooner or later.

Please fire me. Last week I was accused at work of thinking.

Thought Crimes in History

Galileo Galilei

Thought his bosses would appreciate him using his nifty "telescope" to find evidence for a heliocentric system, prove the moon was round, discover the rings of Saturn, moons of Jupiter, and sunspots. For some reason, the idea that humans could be wrong about a crucial idea for thousands of years didn't sit well with the Church. Then-CEO Pope Paul V demanded Galileo recall all his discoveries, but they'd already shipped. So, they sentenced the father of modern science to house arrest and damnation, and then accused him of stealing office supplies.

Benjamin Franklin

Thought up a lot of great things: fire departments, civic organizations, lightning rods, electricity, government, musical instruments, etc. Also didn't think to mention he had syphilis before jumping into bed with ladies. Too bad he didn't invent the modern condom.

Eddie Murphy

Thought "party all the time" was a good idea.


Thought it wouldn't piss the Athenians off if he taught all their kids to respond to every statement with "but why?" Also thought the Athenians were kidding about the hemlock punch.

Elizabeth Berkley

Thought that playing Nomi Malone in Showgirls would show Hollywood she was more than just A.C. Slater's feminist, once caffeine-pill-addicted girlfriend Jessie Spano and launch her into superstardom. Unfortunately, she wound up just showing everybody her tits—and what it'd look like to violently fuck Kyle MacLachlan in a pool.

Kanye West

Thought that if he consistently acted like an arrogant douche-bag, consumers would find him irresistible and he'd sell millions of records and become one of the most famous, richest artists in the world. He was right.

Bernie Madoff

Thought he could use his wealth management business to scam investors out of billions of dollars. The scheme—considered the largest Ponzi scheme in history—was of course busted. The only thing he Madoff with was a 150-year prison sentence.

Susan B. Anthony

Thought that women deserved the right to vote. She led the women's rights movement and traveled all over America and Europe to speak about it. Despite her life of hard work and dedication to the cause, today figures such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Snooki exist.

Ruth Handler

Thought that it "was important to a girl's esteem that she play with a doll with breasts"—and so the Barbie doll was born. It has not been confirmed if the Ken doll was created because someone thought it was important to a girl's esteem that she grows up thinking men just have smooth plastic between their legs.

Oxfired Insists on the Classics: Myth of Bizyphus

An incredibly deep essay by Al Camus, III

There is but one serious question for the working man and that is of self-termination. Let us look at the classic story the Myth of Bizyphus.

Bizyphus was condemned by his co-workers to absentmindedly work to classic rock music from 9 to 5. He didn't know why they listened to it. The programming of CROQ, "The Crocadillo," quite frankly, seemed annoying.

To start the day off, Bizyphus listened to Denise & Buster in the Morning, famous for their "Breakfast with Badfinger" segment. Their show is six hours. Two hours are prank calls, another two are playing the best of Denise & Buster, and the rest are commercials for Six Flags. Then there's the "Daily Four Doors," in which four Doors songs are played in a row. Really, the radio station plays three songs and then repeats one at the end. Bizyphus actually enjoyed the " Five-o'Clock-Songs-About-Sex-Disguised-as-Food Block." However, it makes him too aroused to move from his chair, which, in turn, makes him a miserable, shameful man.

He didn't particularly care for any of the hits. At best Bizyphus knew the chorus, especially if it was about a lady. He is currently on many online dating sites, if anyone is looking for a man working a shitty job.

Still, the classic rock was part of his job and, in a way, it pushed him through his classic day: answering emails, writing emails, and writing sticky notes to remind himself to write emails. If he suggested they switch to a non-ClearChannel station, like the hip but sometimes awful college station WBOR the Whatever, he would be glared at, and—what's worse—probably have to listen to a co-worker's attempt to be sarcastic.

If Bizyphus is annoyed and frustrated, it is because he is awake. If this myth makes you depressed, you probably either share his fate, or were already depressed to begin with and are looking for an essay to blame it on.


Excerpted from PLEASE FIRE ME by Adam Chromy Jill Morris Johnny McNulty Copyright © 2011 by Adam Chromy. Excerpted by permission of CITADEL PRESS BOOKS. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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