Plugged

Plugged

4.5 53
by Eoin Colfer
     
 

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The long-awaited crime caper so outlandish, so maniacal, so wickedly funny, it could have only come from the mind that brought you Artemis Fowl.

Lincoln McEvoy has a problem. Well, really, he has several, but for this Irish ex-pat bouncer at a seedy, small-time casino the fact that his girlfriend was just murdered in the parking lot is uppermost in his mind. … See more details below

Overview

The long-awaited crime caper so outlandish, so maniacal, so wickedly funny, it could have only come from the mind that brought you Artemis Fowl.

Lincoln McEvoy has a problem. Well, really, he has several, but for this Irish ex-pat bouncer at a seedy, small-time casino the fact that his girlfriend was just murdered in the parking lot is uppermost in his mind.

That is until lots of people around him start dying, and not of natural causes. Suddenly Linc's got half the New Jersey mob, dirty cops and his man-crazy upstairs neighbor after him and he still doesn't know what's going on. Bullets are flying, everybody's on the take and it all may be more than Linc's new hair plugs can handle.

And Linc's got to find the guy who put in those hair plugs--or at least his body--and fast, or else he'll never get that voice out of his head. Head-spinning plot twists, breakneck pacing and some of the best banter this side of Elmore Leonard's Detroit, will keep you on the edge of your seat and itching for more.

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Editorial Reviews

Lisa Scottoline
Great writers can write anything, and Plugged is proof…Colfer's novel is dominated, driven and fully animated by a refreshingly original voice…Plugged packs a powerful dramatic wallop for such a slim volume, like a flyweight with a knockout punch. And Daniel McEvoy becomes a knight errant in a sensitively wrought study of the effects of war on the human soul.
—The Washington Post
Marilyn Stasio
Dan's chivalric mission of mayhem makes no logical sense, but it does attract the attention of numerous unsavory characters and results in lots of bloody fun.
—The New York Times
San Antonio Express-News
"Channeling noir stylists from Raymond Chandler to Elmore Leonard, Eoin Colfer the Irish author of the million-selling "Artemis Fowl" series for teens, goes a little crazy in his head-spinning, hilarious first novel for adults. "Plugged" introduces us to the charismatic Daniel McEvoy, who uses the lethal skills he learned in the Irish army as a strip-club doorman who finds himself in deep sewage with the cops and the Irish mob — thanks to his best friend, a crooked doctor who is giving him hair implants."
New York Journal of Books
"Plugged is a miles-apart transition for the acclaimed young adults' author, as he makes the brave leap to adult fiction—not the easiest of leaps to make, especially if that leap is the wide and dangerous canyon of hardboiled crime where safety nets are as scarce as a Tony Soprano's diet. Thankfully, Mr. Colfer's leap of faith has him landing expertly and solidly on his feet with page-turning ease. Funny, acerbic, crazed, riveting, sardonic—with just the right amount of hard-boiled dialogue—Plugged is everything you want in a summer read."
Associated Press Staff
"Eoin Colfer, primarily known for his children's books featuring Artemis Fowl, shows he can write a terrific crime novel for adults with Plugged . . . Plugged is that rare book that mixes terrific suspense with laugh-out-loud humor. McEvoy and his attitude will appeal to fans of both the crime novels of Elmore Leonard and the wacky characters prevalent in the novels of Carl Hiaasen."
The Chicago Sun-Times
"Colfer makes the transition [to adult literature] with his facility for the delightful Irish turn of phrase intact, even if many of those phrases are saltier this time around . . . the sharp curves come fast and so do the dips that make you feel giddy. Colfer keeps up the furious pace."
The Guardian (UK)
"In the journey towards crime fiction, Eoin Colfer is helped by the fact that his children's hero, Artemis Fowl , was a master criminal. The narrator of Plugged is also quite a dodgy dude. This comedy of vanity in an action protagonist alerts us that we are in the territory of comedy crime, in the style of Carl Hiaasen. As he showed with the Artemis Fowl books, Colfer is an engaging and inventive writer with a strong sense of the rhythm of a story, its twists and riffs. Always entertaining page by page, the book also has a truly unexpected sex scene and much sassy dialogue."
Foreword Reviews
"Eoin Colfer makes his crime fiction debut with a bang… With swift pacing and plenty of twists and turns to keep readers guessing until the very end, Colfer’s crime caper has all the makings of a classic thriller. Daniel tries to hide his insecurities and chivalrous weak spot behind his wry, self-deprecating humor, and his witty voice deftly blends comedy with the noir storytelling. A clever ending leaves room for a sequel and fans clamoring for more of this sensitive Irish rogue."
Booklist
"Colfer, author of the Artemis Fowl youth series, employs similar techniques in this one—breathless plotting, humor, and wordplay—but he adds a diverse armory of guns, grenades, and stilettos. Fans of Ken Bruen’s hilarious odes to murderous psychopaths will want to get Plugged."
Mystery Scene Magazine
"Keeping New Jersey sleazy, Plugged is full of fake boobs, Irish gangsters, dirty cops, and a sea of salty language. And like a double shot of Jameson on an empty stomach, the buzz comes on quick . . . Colfer's prose is generous with the jokes and nimble with plot twists."
Cindy Adams
"Author Eoin Colfer, who created those Artemis Fowl books, lives in Ireland. Again, hair-raising, dark bad boys, crime, events where your wife's brother gets selected 'designated drunk.' Daniel McEvoy's a bouncer, Irish. Like, what else? Lives there a villain who's Norwegian? His girlfriend gets suddenly dead. It's a crooked doctor, menacing homeland mob, seedy New Jersey club, more booze—and such prose as squeezing certain sensitive parts of a male Rottweiler. And Page 264's 'Little virgin Connie didn't want hands on her ass.' Eugene O'Neill it's not. Irish it is."
Patrick Millikin
"The bestselling author of the Artemis Fowl novels dedicates this, his first crime novel for adults, to fellow Irish writer Ken Bruen, who 'made him do it.' The result is an infectious blend of hardboiled lunacy mixed with Celtic black humor that is held together by Colfer's own glorious voice."
L. Dean Murphy
"If Carl Hiasson married Raymond Chandler and engaged Dave Barry to be a surrogate mother, Plugged would be the progeny. Oh, grow up! This is a zany crime caper where such things are possible. With the unlikely title—redolent of Chandler's characters being "plugged" with lead bullets—the bestselling author of the Artemis Fowl series makes his hilarious crime fiction debut á la Elmore Leonard. Incredible imagination won't suffice to solve this who-what-and-whydunnit. This five-star story in the vein of Robert Coover's Noir has more twists than a box of rotini pasta."
Declan Burke
"Colfer's first adult crime novel, Plugged is a gloriously ramshackle comedy crime caper. As a narrative vehicle the story is a getaway car careering downhill and losing wheels at every corner. Colfer, however, is too experienced a storyteller to get carried away himself. The propulsive chaos masks a palpable appreciation of the crime novel itself, not simply in terms of his playful subversion of the genre's tropes but also in Colfer's willingness to warp the parameters of what is essentially a conservative narrative form. Successfully blending the subgenres of comedy crime caper and hard-boiled noir is no mean feat, as those who have read Donald Westlake's pale imitators will confirm. Colfer's exuberance in this respect will delight the connoisseurs jaded by crime novels that insist on adhering to a predictable norm. Scabrously funny, furiously paced and distinctively idiosyncratic, Plugged ultimately comes to a belated reconciliation with the genre's conventions, but only after a titanic and entertaining struggle that suggests Colfer's first adult crime novel will not be his last."
– Lisa Scottoline
"Great writers can write anything, and Plugged is proof. Its author is Eoin (pronounced 'Owen') Colfer, a name you might recognize because he wrote the best-selling 'Artemis Fowl' books for young adults, as well as a sequel to Douglas Adams’s "The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy." Taken together, those books feature fairies, unemployed gods, a boy genius, a green alien and a galactic president, which means it’s not easy to categorize Colfer or his writing. That’s a good thing. Because now he’s produced a bang-up crime novel for adults. This might lead you to think you’re in Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiaasen or even Damon Runyon country, but you’re not. Although there are echoes of all three writers in Plugged, Colfer's novel is dominated, driven and fully animated by a refreshingly original voice . . . Colfer has the deftest of touches, so he underplays them at every opportunity, which makes the reader care all the more. Plugged packs a powerful dramatic wallop for such a slim volume, like a flyweight with a knockout punch. And Daniel McEvoy becomes a knight errant in a sensitively wrought study of the effects of war on the human soul. As I said, great writing."
– San Antonio Express-News
"Channeling noir stylists from Raymond Chandler to Elmore Leonard, Eoin Colfer the Irish author of the million-selling "Artemis Fowl" series for teens, goes a little crazy in his head-spinning, hilarious first novel for adults. "Plugged" introduces us to the charismatic Daniel McEvoy, who uses the lethal skills he learned in the Irish army as a strip-club doorman who finds himself in deep sewage with the cops and the Irish mob — thanks to his best friend, a crooked doctor who is giving him hair implants."
—Cindy Adams
"Author Eoin Colfer, who created those Artemis Fowl books, lives in Ireland. Again, hair-raising, dark bad boys, crime, events where your wife's brother gets selected 'designated drunk.' Daniel McEvoy's a bouncer, Irish. Like, what else? Lives there a villain who's Norwegian? His girlfriend gets suddenly dead. It's a crooked doctor, menacing homeland mob, seedy New Jersey club, more booze—and such prose as squeezing certain sensitive parts of a male Rottweiler. And Page 264's 'Little virgin Connie didn't want hands on her ass.' Eugene O'Neill it's not. Irish it is."
—Patrick Millikin
"The bestselling author of the Artemis Fowl novels dedicates this, his first crime novel for adults, to fellow Irish writer Ken Bruen, who 'made him do it.' The result is an infectious blend of hardboiled lunacy mixed with Celtic black humor that is held together by Colfer's own glorious voice."
—Foreword Reviews
"Eoin Colfer makes his crime fiction debut with a bang… With swift pacing and plenty of twists and turns to keep readers guessing until the very end, Colfer’s crime caper has all the makings of a classic thriller. Daniel tries to hide his insecurities and chivalrous weak spot behind his wry, self-deprecating humor, and his witty voice deftly blends comedy with the noir storytelling. A clever ending leaves room for a sequel and fans clamoring for more of this sensitive Irish rogue."
—Booklist
"Colfer, author of the Artemis Fowl youth series, employs similar techniques in this one—breathless plotting, humor, and wordplay—but he adds a diverse armory of guns, grenades, and stilettos. Fans of Ken Bruen’s hilarious odes to murderous psychopaths will want to get Plugged."
—L. Dean Murphy
"If Carl Hiasson married Raymond Chandler and engaged Dave Barry to be a surrogate mother, Plugged would be the progeny. Oh, grow up! This is a zany crime caper where such things are possible. With the unlikely title—redolent of Chandler's characters being "plugged" with lead bullets—the bestselling author of the Artemis Fowl series makes his hilarious crime fiction debut á la Elmore Leonard. Incredible imagination won't suffice to solve this who-what-and-whydunnit. This five-star story in the vein of Robert Coover's Noir has more twists than a box of rotini pasta."
— New York Journal of Books
"Plugged is a miles-apart transition for the acclaimed young adults' author, as he makes the brave leap to adult fiction—not the easiest of leaps to make, especially if that leap is the wide and dangerous canyon of hardboiled crime where safety nets are as scarce as a Tony Soprano's diet. Thankfully, Mr. Colfer's leap of faith has him landing expertly and solidly on his feet with page-turning ease. Funny, acerbic, crazed, riveting, sardonic—with just the right amount of hard-boiled dialogue—Plugged is everything you want in a summer read."
—Associated Press
"Eoin Colfer, primarily known for his children's books featuring Artemis Fowl, shows he can write a terrific crime novel for adults with Plugged . . . Plugged is that rare book that mixes terrific suspense with laugh-out-loud humor. McEvoy and his attitude will appeal to fans of both the crime novels of Elmore Leonard and the wacky characters prevalent in the novels of Carl Hiaasen."
—Mystery Scene Magazine
"Keeping New Jersey sleazy, Plugged is full of fake boobs, Irish gangsters, dirty cops, and a sea of salty language. And like a double shot of Jameson on an empty stomach, the buzz comes on quick . . . Colfer's prose is generous with the jokes and nimble with plot twists."
—Marilyn Stasio
"Compared with that criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl, Dan McEvoy is a bungling idiot. But that's essentially the appeal of Eoin Colfer's first adult protagonist, an expat Irish Army veteran who appears in Plugged . . . lots of bloody fun."
— The Chicago Sun-Times
"Colfer makes the transition [to adult literature] with his facility for the delightful Irish turn of phrase intact, even if many of those phrases are saltier this time around . . . the sharp curves come fast and so do the dips that make you feel giddy. Colfer keeps up the furious pace."
— The Guardian (UK)
"In the journey towards crime fiction, Eoin Colfer is helped by the fact that his children's hero, Artemis Fowl , was a master criminal. The narrator of Plugged is also quite a dodgy dude. This comedy of vanity in an action protagonist alerts us that we are in the territory of comedy crime, in the style of Carl Hiaasen. As he showed with the Artemis Fowl books, Colfer is an engaging and inventive writer with a strong sense of the rhythm of a story, its twists and riffs. Always entertaining page by page, the book also has a truly unexpected sex scene and much sassy dialogue."
— Declan Burke
"Colfer's first adult crime novel, Plugged is a gloriously ramshackle comedy crime caper. As a narrative vehicle the story is a getaway car careering downhill and losing wheels at every corner. Colfer, however, is too experienced a storyteller to get carried away himself. The propulsive chaos masks a palpable appreciation of the crime novel itself, not simply in terms of his playful subversion of the genre's tropes but also in Colfer's willingness to warp the parameters of what is essentially a conservative narrative form. Successfully blending the subgenres of comedy crime caper and hard-boiled noir is no mean feat, as those who have read Donald Westlake's pale imitators will confirm. Colfer's exuberance in this respect will delight the connoisseurs jaded by crime novels that insist on adhering to a predictable norm. Scabrously funny, furiously paced and distinctively idiosyncratic, Plugged ultimately comes to a belated reconciliation with the genre's conventions, but only after a titanic and entertaining struggle that suggests Colfer's first adult crime novel will not be his last."
Library Journal
Colfer, the author of the "Artemis Fowl" YA fantasy series, makes his adult crime fiction debut with this tale of Daniel McEvoy, who might be a doorman at a low-rent casino in Cloisters, NJ, but who once upon a time served two tours of active duty in the Irish army. The most excitement he's had in some time, though, is getting hair plugs from his unlicensed doctor friend, Zeb. Then Daniel finds one of Irish Mike's lieutenants waiting at Zeb's place of business, with a stiletto handy. After a bit of lethal self-defense and accompanying cover-up, Daniel returns to the club to find Connie, the hostess and potential girlfriend, dead in the parking lot. He's not sure whether to suspect the work of Irish Mike, or whether an irate customer could be to blame. The body count rises steadily as Daniel gets himself into various situations both dangerous and hilarious involving good and bad cops, crooked lawyers, barrels of steroids, and assorted mayhem. VERDICT Carl Hiaasen and Elmore Leonard fans should enjoy this hard-boiled novel with a dash of humor. [100,000-copy first printing; national tour.]—Eric Norton, McMillan Memorial Lib., Wisconsin Rapids
Kirkus Reviews

Colfer's adult crime-fiction debut—after his bestselling Artemis Fowl YA series—introduces a big, brash, bawdy, balding anti-hero.

Transplanted from Ireland to the picaresque vale of Essex County, N.J., sharp-witted, hair-challenged, ex-professional soldier Dan McEvoy finds he must cope with a nonstop barrage of problematic issues, all with pain and suffering potential.Dan's used to that, however. A gypsy once told him he had "an aura that looked like shark-infested water." Consciousness raised, Dan does what he can to keep the sharks at bay. Now, down on his luck though ever hopeful, he is minding his own business as lead bouncer at Slotz—an acknowledged dive, but a man's got to eat while he waits for a turn-around—when a drunken patron plants a kiss where he shouldn't. Connie, the hostess whose anatomy has been transgressed, complains. Dan moves in and unwittingly begins a chain reaction that ends with the lead bouncer as the lead suspect in Connie's murder. The word "ends" overstates the case, of course, since Dan is to trouble what bad boys like him are to a certain kind of woman. Consider tempestuous Detective Ronelle Deacon, for instance, who beds and cuffs Dan with equal vigor. Or the deluded widow Delano, in whose erotic fantasy Dan is a stand-in for her long-lost husband. Add to this a volatile mix of ill-intentioned baddies—a shady shyster, a mobster in search of misplaced booty and an intemperate ghost—who batter and bruise him from his toes to the follicles of his in-progress hair transplant, and it's a near thing whether or not Dan will make it to the sequel undoubtedly scheduled.

It's a considerable step from the world of YA to this novel's extreme raunchiness, and some in the fan base—new readers as well—may view it with alarm. Others will find the goings-on funny enough to forgive anything.

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Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781590207857
Publisher:
The Overlook Press
Publication date:
09/01/2011
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
288
Sales rank:
108,205
File size:
1 MB
Age Range:
18 Years

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

THE GREAT STEPHEN KING ONCE WROTE DON’T SWEAT THE small stuff, which I mulled over for long enough to realize that I don’t entirely agree with it. I get what he means: we all have enough major sorrow in our lives without freaking out over the day-to-day hangnails and such, but sometimes sweating the small stuff helps you make it through the big stuff. Take me, for example; I have had enough earth-shattering events happen to me, beside me and underneath me to have most people dribbling in a psych ward, but what I do is try not to think about it. Let it fester inside, that’s my philosophy. It’s gotta be healthy, right? Focus on the everyday nonlethal bullshit to take your mind off the landmark psychological blows that are standing in line to grind you down. My philosophy has gotten me this far, but my soldier sense tells me that things are about to come to a head.
There isn’t much call for deep thinking in my current job in Cloisters, New Jersey. We don’t do a lot of chatting about philosophical issues or natural phenomena in the casino. I tried to talk about National Geographic one night, and Jason gave me a look like I was insulting him, so I moved on to a safer subject: which  of the girls have implants. This is one of our regular topics, so it’s familiar territory. He calmed down after a couple of swallows from his protein shake. Me talking about issues scared Jase more than a drunk with a pistol. Jason is the best doorman I have ever worked with, a rare combination of big and fast and with a lot more smarts than he lets on. Sometimes he’ll forget himself and reference a Fellini movie, then try to cover his tracks by giving the next guy through the door a hard time. Guy’s got secrets; we all do. He doesn’t feel like burdening me and I am absolutely fine with that attitude. We both pretend we’re dumb and we both suspect we aren’t as dumb as we pretend. It’s exhausting.
Most nights we have time for chit-chat out front. Everything’s quiet until ten thirty or so. Generally just a few small-time players, under-the-radar guys. The party crowd doesn’t show up until the regular bars close. The bossman, Victor, who I will describe in detail later because this guy deserves a movie of his own he is such a dick and to talk about him now would ruin the flow; anyways Vic still wants a couple of bodies out front. Sometimes it takes two to shut down a fight if there are accusations flying around on the back table. It can get pretty heated in there, especially with the little guys. I blame Joe Pesci.
So I generally do the night shift, not that there’s a day shift per se. Twice or three times a month I pull doubles. I don’t really mind. How am I going to pass the time at home? Do push-ups and listen to Mrs Delano bitch?
Tonight I get in at eight on the dot. It’s midweek so I’m looking forward to a quiet evening chewing power bars with Jason and talking surgery. Just simple distraction, which is the closest to happiness I’m expecting to get in this lifetime.
Jason and I are watching this Russian throw around kettlebells on YouTube when I get a call from Marco on my headset. I have to ask the little barman to repeat himself a couple of times before I get the message and hustle back to the casino floor. Apparently my favorite girl, Connie, leaned in to slide cocktails on to a table, and this guy  goes and licks her ass. Moron. I mean, it’s on the wall on a brass plaque. Not ass-licking specifically. Do Not Touch The Hostesses, it says. Universal club rule. Some of the hostesses will do a little touching in the booth, but the customer never gets to touch back.
When I arrive, Marco is trying to hold this guy away from Connie, which is probably more for the guy’s safety than he realizes. I once saw Connie deck a college footballer with her serving tray. Guy’s face was in the metal, like a cartoon.
‘Okay, folks,’ I say, doing my booming doorman voice. ‘Let’s get this handled professionally.’
This announcement is met with a couple of boos from the regulars, who were praying for a little drama. I grip Marco’s head like a basketball and steer him behind the bar, then loom over the offender.
The licker has his hands on his hips like he’s Peter Pan, and Connie’s fingers have left red stripes on his cheek.
‘Why don’t we take this into the back room,’ I say, giving him five seconds of eye contact. ‘Before things get out of hand.’
‘This bitch hit me,’ he says, pointing in case there’s some doubt about which bitch he’s talking about.
His finger is coated with the remains of a basket of buffalo wings, and sauce on fingers is something that has always irritated me more than it reasonably should.
‘We got a time-out room just back here,’ I say, not looking at the brown gunk under his nails. What is wrong with people? You eat, you keep your mouth closed, you wipe your fingers. How hard is that? ‘Why don’t we discuss your issues back there?’
Connie is quiet, trying to hold her anger in, chewing on some nicotine gum like it’s one of the guy’s balls. Connie has a temper, but she won’t slap without good reason. She’s got two kids in a crèche over on Cypress, so she needs the paycheck.
‘Okay, Dan,’ she says. ‘But can we move it along? I got people dying to tip me. This is an open-and-shut case.’
The pointer laughs, like it’s funny she should use that terminology.
I shepherd them into the time-out room, which is barely more than a broom closet; in fact there are a couple of mops growing like dreadlocked palms out of a cardboard box island in the corner.
‘You okay?’ I ask Connie, glad to see she’s not smoking. Six months and counting.
She nods, sitting on a ratty sofa. ‘Dude licked my ass. Licked it. You got any wipes, Daniel?’
I hand her a slim pack. You always carry a pack of antiseptic wipes working a bottom-rung New Jersey casino like Slotz. There’s all sorts of stuff you can catch just hanging around.
I look away while Connie is wiping the barbecue sauce off her behind. You can’t help noticing cleavage in this place, but I figure you can avoid the lower regions. I try to keep my eyes above the waist; leaves everybody with something. So while she’s cleaning up, I turn to the guy. The licker.
‘What were you thinking, sir? There’s no touching. Can’t you read?’
The guy is going to rub me the wrong way. I can tell just by his hair, a red frizz sitting on his head like a nest fell off a roof.
‘I saw the plaque, Daniel,’ he says, pointing towards the casino floor. This guy is a pointing machine. ‘It says do nottouch.’
‘And what did you do? You touched.’
‘No,’ says the guy, switching his pointing finger over to me, so close I can smell the sauce, which is putting me off barbecue for a month at least. Except ribs. ‘I didn’t touch. You touch with your hands. I tasted.’
He stops talking then, like I need a second for this brilliant argument to sink in.
‘You think I never heard that stupid shit before? You seriously think you’re the first guy to try that on?’
‘I think I’m the first attorney to try it on.’ His face lights up  with smugness. I hate that look, maybe because I get it a lot.
‘You’re an attorney?’
More pointing. I’m tempted to snap this arsehole’s finger right off. ‘You’re goddamn right I’m an attorney. You try anything with me and I’ll shut this shithole down. You’ll be working for me.’
‘I’ll be working for you, sir?’
Sometimes I repeat stuff. People think it’s because I’m stupid, but really it’s because I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
The guy goes for option A.
‘What are you? A parrot? A fucking retarded Oirish parrot? Kee-rist almighty.’
This is probably the way it goes in the office for this guy. He doles out garbage and people take it. I’m guessing he’s the boss, or close to it. Only the boss or the mail guy can not give a shit how they look to this extent and get away with it. Suit and spectacles that could have been stolen from Michael Caine circa 1972, and of course the Styrofoam ring of ginger hair.
‘No, sir. I’m not a parrot,’ I say, nice and calm, like I learned in doorman school. ‘I’m the head of security and you touched the hostess, whatever way you want to dress it up.’
The guy laughs, like he’s got an audience. ‘Dressing things up is what I do, Mister Daniel Head of Security. That’s my motherfucking business.’
He says motherfucking all wrong, like he learned it from the TV. It doesn’t sound right coming out of his attorney’s face.
‘It’s your motherfucking business?’ I say, saying the word like it should be said. I learned it from a Romanian mercenary working for the Christian militia in Tibnin. Anghel and his boys would tool past our camp most days in their beat-up VW, stopping to strike deals for long-life milk or pasta we’d traded from the French garçons. I liked Anghel okay; he never shot at me specifically, his whole head was a beard and I appreciated the way he said motherfucking.
Only one carton, Paddy? I give you perfect good mozzerfokken hairdryer.
Made it sound real; the double z. So sometimes if I want to make an impression I say it the Romanian way. Often it’s enough to confuse a guy, put him off his stride.
But not this guy. The ginger monkey is seriously unimpressed by my double z and proceeds to make his second mistake of the evening that I know about. He steps up to me, cock of the walk, like I don’t have eight inches and fifty pounds on him.
‘What is this parrot shit?’ he says, and believe it or believe it not, he taps me on the forehead. ‘You got a goddamn plate in your head? Kee-rist almighty.’
I am surprised by this tap on the head but also happy, because the guy has touched me now.
‘You shouldn’t have touched me, sir,’ I say sadly. ‘That’s assault. Now I got to defend myself.’
This takes the wind out of his sails. Being an attorney this jackass knows the letter of the law regarding assault. He is aware that now I got the right to put a little hurt on him and claim I felt threatened. I practice my threatened face so he can visualize how it will look in court.
His pointing finger curls up like a dried turd, and he takes a couple of steps back.
‘Now listen. You lay one hand on me . . .’
He can’t finish the threat, because I got a free shot and he knows it. At this point I would dearly love to take that shot and put this attorney out of everyone’s misery. But Connie’s got her kids in the crèche and the last thing she needs is a court appearance hanging over her head. Plus the courtroom is this guy’s arena. Before the judge he’s a gladiator. I can just see him, jumping around like a little ginger monkey, pointing like there’s no tomorrow. And in all honesty, my threatened face ain’t all that hot.
So I say, ‘How much money you got in your wallet?’
The guy tries a little bluster, but I’m giving him an out and he knows it. ‘I don’t know. Couple hundred maybe.’
Bullshit he doesn’t know. Attorneys and accountants always know. Generally they stash little wads of notes all over, in case they get stuck with a pushy dancer or hooker later in the evening. This guy probably knows how much cash his sick momma has rolled into her tooth jar.
‘Gimme three,’ I say. ‘Gimme three hundred for the hostess and I won’t have to act in self-defense.’
The attorney physically flinches. ‘Three hundred! For a lick. Kee-rist almighty.’
He’ll go for it. I know he will. The alternative is explaining to his high-roller clients how he got his face rearranged in a dump like Slotz, where we got mold on the carpet corners and toilets with chains.
The guy is fumbling with his wallet, like the bills are putting up a struggle, so I grab it, making sure to squash his soft attorney’s fingers a little.
‘Here, let me count that, sir. You’re shaking.’
He’s not shaking, but I want to plant the idea that he should be. This is not a tip I picked up in doorman school. The army shrink gave me a few conflict tips before my second tour.
It’s true I snag the wallet to hurry this whole thing along, but I also want to help myself to one of this guy’s business cards. It’s good to have details about troublesome customers. Let them know there’s no place to hide. Once I have his card, I can find his wife, and I’d like to see him try the taste defense at home. His monkey head would be on a plate and no jury would convict.
I count out six fifties and toss him his wallet.
‘Okay, Mister Jaryd Faber,’ I say, consulting the card. ‘You are hereby barred from Slotz.’
Faber mutters something about not giving a shit, and I can’t really blame him.
‘We thank you for your business and urge you to seek counseling for your various issues.’ Standard get out and don’t come back spiel.
‘You’re making a big mistake, Daniel,’ says Faber, something I hear so often they should carve it on my tombstone. ‘I got serious friends in this town.’

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