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It has always been assumed or understood that men become sexually aroused more easily than women, that they reach orgasm more quickly, and that they are ready to have sex again sooner. Modern research has shown, however, that this is far from the truth. Some men may indeed become aroused more easily, but some women are just as capable of instant excitement and easy orgasm as their partners.
When it comes to sex, there are simply no rules. Don't make assumptions based on what you think you know-discuss your partner's needs as well as your own. Also, be sensitive to the fact that your individual needs will vary as you go through the cycles of sexuality that are often linked to your mood and what is happening in your life.
Setting the Scene
Sometimes the desire for sexual gratification is sudden, urgent, and spontaneous, but more often we need-or simply desire-to go through the seductive process of flirtation and arousal first. Making love is an act of respect and intimacy, and creating the right atmosphere will demonstrate a thoughtful and considerate approach that may greatly enhance the outcome.
TAKE A LITTLE time and trouble setting the scene for lovemaking-crisp, clean bed linens, soft, warm candlelight, your favorite music, and the scent of fresh flowers will all add to the romantic atmosphere. Take a shower together-this will not only make you feel and smell good, but you can start your mutual seduction as you lather each other. Then wrap yourselves up in fluffy towels, and perhaps share a massage using a sensual aromatherapy oil. A long, gradual increase in arousal as you caress each other, first nonsexually and then more intimately, will help you both feel emotionally safe and wanted as well as physically desired.
If you follow these steps, the anticipation will be exquisite. Anticipation is a very important aspect of lovemaking, because it seems that for both men and women, a prolonged arousal stage leads to a more intense orgasm. For men, a long arousal leads to a greater increase in the size of the testicles and in the thickening, flattening, and elevation of the scrotal sac. In women, prolonged excitement leads to the moistening and expansion of the vagina and the elevation of the cervix. For both sexes, feelings of emotional intimacy intensify greatly.
Seduction, Arousal, and Excitement
Understanding the physical process of sexual arousal and orgasm is important because you need to know what is going on if you want to achieve maximum satisfaction from lovemaking. But just knowing which parts of your body go where and how they all work will not necessarily help anything. To achieve truly sensational orgasms, you need to have a good knowledge of what is happening on an emotional level for both your partner and yourself.
IT IS SAID that 90 percent of sex takes place in the mind, so it is here that a deep mutual understanding is needed. It was once thought that men were aroused only by visual stimuli and women only by emotional ones. But recent evidence suggests that, in fact, men and women need similar stimuli-both need to feel wanted, desired, and lusted after. Both need to feel that sex is exciting and sometimes unpredictable. Both partners need to feel that they are being seduced rather than being taken for granted. Basically, both men and women need to be made to feel that they are sensual and sexy.
If you are to have sensational orgasms as a climax to lovemaking, you need to know that getting there involves reassuring your partner-through words and actions-that you are aware that meeting their emotional needs is a key aspect of satisfying their physical needs. Part of this is knowing what stirs sexual excitement and arousal in your partner-and, perhaps almost as importantly, what does not.
If you and your partner are both committed to enhancing your orgasms, then you need to explore the aspects of excitement and arousal, and you need to explore them together. This is not something either of you can do in isolation-if you try to achieve this without discussing it together, you will only be going on guesswork and assumptions.
There are no rules or guidelines to be followed-just whatever each of you needs is fine-but it is essential that you feel totally secure and uninhibited with one another and with the relationship, as you need to talk freely about what makes you feel sexually aroused.
You may feel a little shy about this at first, but it's a hurdle you must overcome! Remember to approach this discussion with sensitivity, however. If you have been in the relationship long enough to feel secure with each other, the chances are that you have also been lovers for a while, so it needs to be made clear that the aim of this exercise is not to make your partner feel that he or she has failed to satisfy you sexually up until now-it is to find ways to make a good thing sensational.
Once you have established what arouses each of you, take time to put into practice what you have learned. As you do so, build your confidence by giving feedback-just saying "that feels wonderful" or letting out a little murmur of satisfaction may be enough for you and your partner to let each other know that you are hitting the right spot.
Erogenous zones are those parts of the body that respond with sexual arousal when they are caressed, licked, sucked, teased, tickled, stroked, or kissed. Traditionally, the obvious areas such as the nipples, sexual organs, buttocks, and lips were defined as the erogenous zones, but it is now recognized that this is too limited a definition.
THE SKIN IS FULL of nerves that feel marvelous when touched and stroked. One person may find the backs of the knees sexually sensitive, while another may have the same experience with the nape of the neck or the insides of their thighs.
Are you aware of your partner's erogenous zones? Do you spend time stroking them when you make love? Can you bring your partner to orgasm purely by caressing these areas? Does your partner know where your erogenous zones are and how you like them stimulated?
We have already seen that prolonged arousal can lead to sensational orgasms, so it makes sense to use the erogenous zones to enhance that arousal. Using your tongue, lips, and fingers, it is possible to create peaks of such intense sensual pleasure and excitement that your partner will be well on the way to a sensational orgasm before you even touch his or her sexual organs.
Try discovering each other's erogenous zones through massage. Using a massage oil or body lotion, take turns stroking one another's whole body-front and back, arms and legs, hands and feet-erotically but not sexually, and communicate your reactions.
Is foreplay really a part of lovemaking, or is it just a quick appetizer? Is it necessary, and for how long should it go on? What does it involve anyway? Is it just a little preliminary kissing, or do you include a bit of sexual touching as well?
FIRST OF ALL, drop any idea you might have that foreplay and sex are separate activities. Of course, you can have foreplay without sex, although you may find it difficult to concentrate on anything else afterward! You can also have sex without foreplay, but arousal will be incomplete and the act of sex will be simply that-sex, and probably unsatisfactory sex at that, unless you are both in the mood to just go for it.
Foreplay is all about arousal-kissing, erotic caressing, licking, and sucking, with plenty of skin-to-skin contact-so it is absolutely necessary. You can devote as much time and attention as you like to this stage, until your mutual excitement is overwhelming.
At this stage, the desire to move on becomes irresistible. But don't give up on foreplay at this point-maintain contact through fingers, lips, tongues, and hands. Continue to stroke and caress the erogenous nerve endings to keep them stimulated. By doing this, you will ensure that the transition from erotic arousal to sexual touching is smooth and flowing. Excitement will remain at its maximum level throughout your lovemaking, and there will be a corresponding level of sensational orgasm.
Helping Each Other to Sensational Orgasm
Although it is possible for almost everyone to achieve quite a satisfactory orgasm through masturbation, you need a partner in order to achieve a sensational orgasm. To share the ultimate climax with your partner, you both need to feel safe, relaxed, and desired.
BEFORE EMBARKING on the techniques and exercises on the following pages, it is a good idea to ascertain just how comfortable you feel with each other. You need to be totally familiar not only with your own body and sexual responses, but also with your partner's. Take some time to answer the following questions honestly.
How comfortable are you being naked with each other?
Are you both familiar with the other person's sexual organs?
Do you each know how the other likes to achieve orgasm?
Can you bring each other to orgasm easily and frequently?
Is there anything about your own sexuality that embarrasses you?
Is there anything about your partner's sexuality that embarrasses you?
Are you both excited at the prospect of enhancing the quality of your orgasms?
Discuss and resolve any issues related to your responses before you go any further. Then discuss what goals you are setting, what you expect to achieve, and how you will monitor your progress-but try not to get too clinical, as the aim is to bring you and your partner emotionally and physically closer together, not to give you a new problem!
It is not always easy to focus on your partner's orgasm when you are close to climax yourself, but with mutual masturbation coordination is important. Get the timing right, and you can both achieve a sensational orgasm-almost, if not always absolutely, simultaneously-far more easily than by having full-on sex in any position. Mutual masturbation is also ideal if either of you is tired or unable to take a fully active role for any reason.
BEGIN YOUR mutual masturbation by warming up with the foreplay exercises on page 30. Continue until you are both fully aroused. Once you feel ready, it is usually easiest if the woman lies on her back and the man kneals at her side. This position gives her good access to his penis, and she can play with his testicles. At the same time, he can lean over her to suck and lick her breasts and caress her clitoris. He can also insert the fingers of his other hand into her vagina to stimulate deep inside her. The woman can masturbate the man hard and fast in this position without tiring.
If you want to climax together, it is helpful if you can learn to recognize each other's signals for approaching orgasm. These might include faster breathing, writhing, gasping, and so on. If one of you is approaching orgasm faster than the other, you can slow down the stimulation or ease up for a moment. Obviously it is not absolutely essential to achieve orgasm at the same time, but it can be thrilling if you do.
If you feel really comfortable with each other, oral sex is a fantastic way to enhance your orgasms. Oral sex is all about giving pleasure to your partner. Initially, until you are ready, you should not focus on achieving an orgasm-if you are concentrating only on the climax, you will miss out on the pleasure of getting there. Remember, as always, that maintaining communication between you is important.
SPEND SOME TIME practicing oral sex, taking it in turns, but without aiming for an orgasm. The man should use his tongue to explore the woman's sexual organs, discovering how she responds as he licks and sucks each area, and inserting his fingers into her vagina to explore and stimulate there at the same time. He should run his tongue up and down either side of the clitoris, and she should communicate how this feels. She should express how it feels when he only licks her clitoris.
The woman should spend time sucking her partner's penis, again without trying to make him climax. She should try varying the intensity and speed of the suck, and how far up or down the shaft her tongue goes. She can also suck his testicles, run her finger up and down his perineum, and insert a finger into his rectum.
Try as many techniques as you like until you are each totally familiar with the other's responses. Now you can help each other achieve a sensational orgasm more easily.
Libido and Lovemaking
Inevitably there will be times when you or your partner do not feel like making love. You may be tired, recovering from childbirth, feeling the effects of work stress, convalescing after illness-or you may just not be in the mood. If you put pressure on your partner to have sex at these times, you could destroy the trust you have built up between you.
IF YOUR partner cannot respect your wishes and won't back off when you don't feel like having sex, then you will not be able to relax enough to enjoy great orgasms-part of you will always hang back from total commitment. You may also begin to feel that your relationship is not built on the solid foundation you once believed it to be.
Individuals go through cycles of sexual desire and apathy, and relationships also go through these cycles. A new relationship is nearly always marked by overwhelming desire for each other, which later settles into a comfortable security that might not be as exciting as it was at the beginning. Yet the relationship that develops will hopefully prove to be lasting and satisfying.
If either of you is experiencing a loss of libido, then you must talk about how you feel and how you have arrived at this point. You may think about seeking professional help if the problem is acute or has been an issue for a long time. If one of you simply has a lower libido than the other, however, this is fine and is perfectly natural-just work on having really great sex when the time is right.
Eroticism and Fantasies
If you want to enhance your orgasms, you need to think about eroticism and fantasy, as these have an important role in love play. Being erotic is all about generating excitement-building up the tension and sexual heat between the two of you so that when you arrive at orgasm it is that much more intense. If you approach sex in a formal way, it will likely be less than satisfactory.
IT IS NORMAL and natural to have fantasies-to dream about having sex with strangers or famous people, or about making love in unusual places or in unusual ways. It is normal and natural to want your lovemaking to be exciting, spontaneous, lustful, and effort. You have to talk dirty sometimes-phone your partner with outrageous suggestions or send a letter or e-mail outlining exactly what you would like to do or try the next time you make love. Discuss your fantasies together and then help each other live them out. As long as you are secure in your relationship, you shouldn't have a problem with any of this.
Being sexy isn't about taking your clothes off-it's about the way you take them off. It's about what you were wearing in the first place. You need to dress provocatively for your lover if you want to thrill, tease, and please. Talk to your partner about what he or she would like you to wear before making love. As with most things, the more effort you put in and the longer the time you take, the greater the reward.
Excerpted from the pocket book of sensational orgasms by Richard Craze Copyright © 2002 by Godsfield Press. Excerpted by permission.
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