Proper Care and Feeding of Husbandsby Dr. Laura Schlessinger
In her most provocative book yet, Dr. Laura urgently reminds women that to take proper care of their husbands is to ensure themselves the happiness and satisfaction they yearn for in marriage. Women want to be in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Yet disrespect for men and disregard for the value, feelings, and needs of husbands has fast become the standard for male-female relations in America. Those two attitudes clash in unfortunate ways to create struggle and strife in what could be a beautiful relationship. Countless women call Dr. Laura, unhappy in their marriages and seemingly at a loss to understand the incredible power they have over their men to create the kind of home life they yearn for. Now, in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Dr. Laura shows you -- with real-life examples and real-life solutions -- how to wield that power to attain all the sexual pleasure, intimacy, love, joy, and peace you want in your life. Dr. Laura's simple principles have changed the lives of millions. Now they can change yours.
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The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
"As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."
"Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich."
I am a thirty-seven-year-old man who has seen quite a bit in life, and I can offer this to your search for how to treat a man. We are men, not dumb-dumbs, psychics, or one bit unromantic. We need only clear communication, appreciation, honest love, and respect. This will be repaid by laying the moon and stars at your feet for your pleasure. There is no need to 'work' a man to get what you want. We live to take care of a wife, family, and home. Just remember that we are men, and know that our needs are simple but not to be ignored. A good man is hard to find, not to keep."
"A good man is hard to find, not to keep." That sentence should really make you stop and think. As a radio talk-show host/psychotherapist, I've got to tell you how remarkably true and sad it is that so many women struggle to hold on to some jerk, keep giving an abusive or philandering man yet another chance, have unprotected sex with some guy while barely knowing his last name, agree to shack up and risk making babies with some opportunist or loser, all in a pathetic version of a pursuit for love, but will resent the hell out of treating a decent, hardworking, caring husband with the thoughtfulness, attention, respect, and affection he needs to be content.
It boggles my mind.
What further puts me in boggle overdrive is how seemingly oblivious and insensitive many women are to how destructive they are being to their men and consequently to their marriages. Women will call me asking me if it's alright to go off on extended vacations "without him" when they want some freedom or R&R, or if it's okay to cut him off from sex because they're annoyed about something or just too tired from their busy day, or if they really have to make him a dinner when he gets home from work because it's just too tedious to plan meals, or if it's okay to keep stuff from him (like family or financial issues) because his input is unnecessary, or if they're really obligated to spend time with his family (in-laws or stepkids), or if they really have to show interest in his hobbies when they're bored silly by them, or -- well, you get the idea.
Let me relate the specific call that prompted me to write this book. Annette is thirty-five, her husband is thirty-nine, and they have a one-year-old son. She is a stay-at-home mom who just doesn't enjoy cooking and doesn't feel it's useful to spend a lot of time doing it. She called wondering if that was detrimental or not to her child. Right away I was alerted to her lack of concern about the needs or desires of her husband -- you know, the guy who slays dragons for her and their child every day. In order to really get a feel for this caller, you'll have to imagine the completely hostile and disdainful manner in which she spoke.Dr. Laura: What do you do for food?
Annette: We eat peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
Dr. Laura: That's not healthy three times a day.
Annette: No, he's [the child] not eating it three times a day.
Dr. Laura: What do you eat for dinner?
Annette: Well, he's still breast-feeding at one year old.
Dr. Laura: What do the adults in your house eat for dinner?
Annette: My husband might eat beef enchiladas from the freezer, and I might eat cereal or cottage cheese. My husband doesn't much like what I cook.
Dr. Laura: That's not really a balanced, healthy diet. Are you intentionally making awful things that he won't eat or is he some kind of ogre?
Annette: (Sarcastically) No, I'm just not a good cook. [What you can't read is her disdainful, hostile tone.]
Dr. Laura: Okay, Annette, being a better cook is easy to come by. All you do is take a class or get a book of recipes. I wonder if you're intentionally undermining his enjoyment of a home-cooked meal so that you simply don't have to do it. Let me tell you what is detrimental to your child. Dinnertime turns out to be one of the most important functions of a family in terms of a child bonding with parents, their ability to communicate and feel close to their parents -- all of which supports their self-esteem.
The dinner table is a most important aspect of that bonding. That is the routine time when the family sits down, says their prayers, and spends that pleasant time enjoying their meal together and talking. So, if that means you have to do what you don't like, so be it. Or did you plan to teach your son that when he doesn't enjoy something, he doesn't have to do it at all, or he doesn't have to do it right? In which case you are going to have a child growing up to be a monster.
There are a lot of things we all don't enjoy doing, but they are part of the rigor of life and they are a part of our obligations in our various roles. To be people of integrity, we have to follow through whether or not we enjoy something. So, if you are at home, I think it is important for you to make the effort to prepare pleasant dinners because I think that's part of the joy and comfort for your family. Put in the effort. If your husband can eat frozen, prepackaged Mexican food, with all those spices, it means he has a pretty open-minded stomach -- so you must be going far out of your way to mess with him.
I don't understand that hostility, especially from a woman who has a one-year-old child. The ability for you to maintain a safe and nurturing home for that child largely depends on the quality and existence of your marriage. I'd expect you to make more of an effort. Most of the women who complain that they are not getting what they want from their husbands should stop and look at how disrespectful and disdainful they are of them. They should also look at what they put their time and energy into at the expense of him and their marriage. It would be a stunner for them to realize that they try harder to impress strangers than they try to impress the person who is supposed to be the most important to them. As one listener, Gary, says:
"A husband is like a horse. At the end of the day he is usually rode hard and put away sweaty. Like in the movies, if his master drives and beats him, he'll go just so far before bucking and rebelling.
If you love him, if you coax him, he'll drive himself till his heart explodes before he will let down his master. He'll give himself to death for the one he loves.
Which way should women handle a man?"
I have never gotten a complaint from a male listener in twenty-five years on the radio over my assertion that men are very simple creatures. They agree. I have explained time and again on my radio program that men are borne of women and spend the rest of their lives yearning for a woman's acceptance and approval. Unless you've got a man with a frank mental or personality disorder (the exception, not the rule), men admittedly are putty in the hands of a woman they love. Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good lovin', and he'll do just about anything you wish -- foolish or not.
With one particular caller, Sandy, I pushed this agenda through to a successful conclusion -- but not without a lot of sweat on my part and resistance on Sandy's part.
Sandy: My husband and I have a horrible relationship.
Dr. Laura: And why is that, I wonder.
Sandy: He says I'm too headstrong . . . but I think we are both too headstrong for each other.
Dr. Laura: He says you are too headstrong. And what does that mean? Sandy: He always tells me I like to take over situations -- that I like to control situations and that I go around him when we should discuss these things together. I just go ahead and do it myself.Dr. Laura: So, why do you do that?
Sandy: I don't know.
Dr. Laura: It is destroying your marriage. Why would you continue to do that?
Sandy: But it is stupid things like going to the store and buying something. Why should I consult him in things like that?
Dr. Laura: Well, it doesn't hurt to have a chat or invite him to come along.
Sandy: I just don't see it.
Dr. Laura: Do we have kids in the middle of this?
Sandy: Yeah, we have three kids.
Dr. Laura: That is why we have to make changes -- so that the three kids have a peaceful home. And you can make the changes.
Sandy: We worked on it.
Dr. Laura: No. We didn't work on it. You didn't change.
Sandy: It is just hard.
Dr. Laura: So what, it's hard. This is about the lives of your three children. Don't tell me something is difficult to do when your three kids are depending on it. That should be incredible motivation for you to behave better in your marriage -- to treat your husband better in your marriage.
To help her make some changes, I asked her to make a short list, right then and there while we were on air, of three reasonable things her husband wished she would do differently. She fought this tooth and nail. First, she supposedly didn't know what he'd want, then she complained about him, then she got sarcastic about his needs, then she exaggerated what she'd have to do. Whew! It was tough to get through the resistance to admit that any of his desires or requests were reasonable, much less show any willingness to give him something he wanted.
I explained to her that personal change was difficult, bitching about somebody else was easy. I persisted with my question, offering her the opportunity to make things better for herself and her children. Finally, she relented -- well, sort of -- you can still read the "edginess." Dr. Laura: What are three reasonable things you know would please him if you changed?
Sandy: If I took his opinion on things. If I listen to what he says and do it.
Dr. Laura: Okay. That seems fair for a marriage. What else? Sandy: He would like to see me accept him for the way he is without asking for any more.
Dr. Laura: Generally, I think that means he wants to feel appreciated for what he is and does.
Dr. Laura: And, when you are constantly trying to change him or demand more or different, he reads that as though you don't approve and appreciate what he is offering and who he is. Remember, this is the man you picked. Okay? So he needs more appreciation. And, what is number three?
Sandy: To just let things slide off my back sometimes. He always says I am too perfect.
Dr. Laura: Okay. Be easier going.
Dr. Laura: Here's your assignment. Do this for a few days and call me back. Number one is ask him for his opinion about something. Number two is show him some appreciation. Number three is if it really isn't important, let it pass because nobody likes to be jumped on all the time. Read them back to me please.
Sandy: Ask him his opinion. Show him appreciation. If it isn't real important, let it pass.
She did call back in a few days and was rather surprised that with seemingly small efforts she had helped to improve her husband's mood and behavior and lighten up the atmosphere in the home, all leading to her own peace of mind.
But that is what I keep telling women. Men are simple straight lines. Generally, unlike women, men do not have mercurial moods (like PMS) or hypersensitivity to interpersonal slights (when was the last time you heard a man complain about his father-in-law?). Men usually mean exactly what they say and don't speak in the more indirect style more typical of women. Also, men will typically suffer in silence long, long before they will complain or screech out in pain (isolation and alcohol abuse is where it shows), while women are more likely to use whining and complaining as a form of communication and even entertainment with their girlfriends. Men are simple. They know it. Women have to learn it if they expect to be truly happy with their man.
Kathryn, another of my listeners, confirms this:
"Men really are not as complicated as we think they should be. Men love to hear that their woman is happy and that they are the source of this happiness. Men deserve the same respect you would show a visitor in your home -- even more. Men love to be complimented. They also like to be admired. I always thank my husband for working so hard for us, and I encourage the kids to do so, too. Men are grumpy when they are tired and/or hungry. Anything they say while they are in either one of these states is not to be taken seriously. Men don't like it when women talk about them behind their backs. Men are not your 'daddies,' they are your contemporaries and get stressed and scared about things just like you do. And if you were a real friend, you would help ease their burdens, not add to them. Men have dreams, too, and it doesn't matter if it's logical or not, don't walk all over them.
This doesn't mean that we don't have problems -- everyone does -- but it's a lot easier to work them out with a man who knows you love and respect him."
I have been sadly amazed by the lack of understanding and appreciation so many women demonstrate for those basic facts. A recent caller to my radio program took the cake with her call. She is married for the second time and they both have children from prior marriages. She is working full-time and is involved in all sorts of activities. She called to complain about her "demanding" husband. It seems he was unhappy in his new marriage because his wife, my caller, was not spending time with him in or out of bed. She described an unbelievably hectic daily schedule, remarking that she just had too much on her plate to have time or energy or impulse to be intimate at all, much less physically intimate, with her new husband.
I immediately suggested that she take a cosmic spoon and dump stuff off her plate to make room for her new marriage, for her husband, for their relationship. She immediately came back with, "But shouldn't he just be understanding?" I almost flipped! He should be understanding about being ignored, about being at the bottom of her priority list? I responded, "Why should he agree to be a boarder in his own home, with no effort at all from you for a personal relationship? Why should he be sanguine about that? Why should he be sympathetic to your choice to exclude him from your life?" Her answer, so telling, was, "Ohhh. I didn't see it that way at all." I reiterated that she had to dump much of what was she was voluntarily allowing to hog up her plate and make room for him, or he was going to dump her off his plate, and that I wouldn't blame him much at all.
These calls are not aberrant. They reflect truly typical attitudes of a preponderance of women in today's America. Since Gloria Steinem wrote that "women need men like fish need bicycles," more than a generation of women have foolishly bought that destructive nonsense and have denigrated men, marriage, familial obligation, and motherhood -- all to their own detriment. Normal, healthy women yearn to be in love, married, and raising children with the man of their dreams. However, when their own mothers, much less society, tell them that they don't need men to be happy, or to raise children, and that their own children don't even need a mother raising them (day care will do), it's caused many women to lose the incentive and the ability to treat their personal lives with the love, dedication, sacrifice, compassion, and loyalty that will ultimately bring them happiness and a sense of purpose.
Sonya, a listener, echoes biblical scriptures with her note:
"And at the end of the day . . . roll over in bed, close your eyes, give him a big hug, and remember that without him, you are only a sorry excuse for a person, but as half of the team, you are invincible." In Genesis God said, "It is not good that man be alone; I will make him a helper corresponding to him. . . . Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh." Contrary to what a good forty years of feminist propaganda has claimed, it is not oppression, subjugation, or abdication of any feminine quality-of-life potential to marry a man, be proud of your bonding, rejoice in your gifts and sacrifices for your marriage and family, and derive pleasure and sustenance from your role as a wife and mother.
Your attitude makes all the difference in the quality of your life. And your understanding of men and what they dearly need will make all the difference in the quality of your marriage.
"I told my husband about the book you are working on and asked him what he thought men want. He said, 'That's simple. Lots of sex and no nagging. What's so hard about that?'"
It's not quite that simple, but Kathy's husband's tongue-in-cheek answer speaks to the truth that women have all the power in the world to determine the behavior of their men. This power is released when women practice the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.--> The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Copyright © by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Meet the Author
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is one of the most popular talk-show hosts in radio history and the only woman to win the prestigious Marconi Award for syndicated radio. She is the author of twelve New York Times bestsellers, writes a daily blog, and is a regular Newsmax columnist. She is heard daily on Sirius/XM Channel 155 live, and her program is streamed and podcast on www.drlaura.com. Dr. Schlessinger has her own YouTube Channel (YouTube.com/drlaura). She is also the skipper and driver of a racing sailboat program that won the 2010 international race from Newport Beach to Cabo San Lucas. She and her husband live in Southern California.
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Now..I can understand why some of the reviews were poor. Dr. Laura definately does not have any good things to say about the feminist movement. At times it does sound as if she thinks women should only be housewives and take care of their husbands. But! If you can look past that, there are great things about this book and things ANY wife can learn whether she chooses to stay home or have a career. It's all about respect, being equals, and taking care of your self and your family. I think everyone should read this book no matter your opinion on the role of a wife. Also, a quick note about some of the reviews I had read. She does also have books just for men, she isn't only 'attacking' women and leaving the men clear of any faults. Remember, this book was titled The Proper Care and Feeding of HUSBANDS, so don't expect to have any advice for the guys in this one. Now, the ONLY thing I didn't like about this book was that in one of the chapters she makes it sound like women are ALWAYS at fault when a man cheats. I absolutely do not believe that to be true. Overall though, i would suggest this book to my friends and family....and have.
I highly recommend this book! The basic premise is that if you love your husband, don't treat him like garbage. Dr. Laura reminds us in this book that you are both on the same team and it is alright to show your husband love and respect. I tried some of the ideas in this book such as saying 'Hello' to him when he walked in the door from work and telling him 'Thank You' when he did something to help me. (Yes, I am ashamed that I didn't always do these things!) and I found that not only was my husband happier, but I felt happier as well. A final note to all those who did find this book degrading...there is nothing degrading about treating another human being with respect and love. There is nothing manipulative or submissive about telling your husband that you love him or that you appreciate the work that he does. (Note: Dr. Laura reiterates numerous times that the principles in this book only apply if you are married to a good man who is trying to be a good husband!)
What a load of crap. I'm from the South - we feed our husbands. It's expected and most us enjoy it. In our modern world, I also don't know a single woman that doesn't like sex. Do I cook every single meal my husband eats and do it freshly showered and primped every day? Of course not. Nor do I cook every single day. Let me share a couple of true stories with you. I have known 2 older women that pretty much lived what this book describes - and then became ill. One husband moved out of the house when his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. He couldn't deal with his wife being ill. His minister ok'ed this because it's "so hard to see the family nurturer in that condition", instead of telling him to get his sorry butt back home and do for his wife what she had always done for him. Another shipped his dying wife off to their daughter and asked another woman from church to marry him a month after his wife died. Two for two.. I see a pattern emerging ladies and gentlemen. Do i think these just happened to be bad men? No, I don't. I think they were put first for so long, and that their wives sacrificed showing themselves as human, that these men couldn't fathom that their wives now needed them. They lacked the life skills to deal with such an unpleasant situation. You know, the same skills we try to teach our children as they mature? Do i think all men would do this? Of course not, but this is a problem. No man wants to be married to a controlling and hateful woman, any more than a woman wants a man like that. I don't belittle or bash my husband and I try to make him happy, but I'm human and not perfect. Sometimes I'm grouchy, lazy, or unattractive. And guess what sometimes so is he. I love and accept him in those times too - that's life and marriage, and it's no worse for me to have those days than for him to. Then she talks like women should thank their lucky stars that a man would even look at her if she's in her 30's or has kids. Give me a break. I was in my 30's with two sons when I met my husband (1st died). He was not the only man interested in me, but we loved each other and I think we BOTH chose well. I don't get down on my knees and thank him for marrying me. I guess I'm just not as thankful as the wife in the book that realized she was wothless without her husband (gag). I want to make my husband happy, but I am not a wife-in-the-box. If I've been working in the garden, cleaning house, and doing laundry all day then I'm not going to look like a prom queen while making dinner when he gets home... and he *should* get to see that I also work hard for the life we enjoy and that this is a partnership... and you know what? He does. What do I agree with in this book? 1st, husband's need a little alone time when they get home. Give him that time to decompress without asking about his day or telling him about yours or a problem. He will come to you in 30-45 minutes and be ready to talk. 2nd, don't ask your husband to do something and then complain about it. Jeez... this makes me want to smack women in the head. Your way isn't the only way and your husband isn't there to play a supporting role in *your* life... he'd probably like to live one too. If your way is the only right way then do it yourself. Happily married for 12 years to a man that would be bored in 5 minutes with the woman descibed in this book.
First, because I know you're going to wade through a lot of whining and blame-gaming in these reviews, I want to just repost a couple of reviews from other readers that you might not get down to reading. I find these reviews pretty much say it all...fairly, intelligently, and with a sense of how empowered women truly are. My review? I had never even heard of Dr Laura when I discovered this book at O'Hare Airport. Together with my husband, we read it aloud to each other on the plane home. My relationship with ALL men has improved now that my eyes have been opened to their needs. My brother, my father in law, my husband, male strangers I meet...I've learned when they do any little task to help out PRAISE THEM TO THE SKIES and don't point out where they failed to do it the way you would have. Also, give men an opportunity to help you - let them get your door, pick up things you drop, open pickle jars for you - then thank them profusely as 'your hero!' Men love to rescue us, being asked for help doesn't annoy them, it makes them feel needed and appreciated. But anyway, these two say it all: 1 -' This is a book for realists and those who can be honest with themselves. I can see why some people really have a problem with this book. It is straight forward and really calls some personality types out. If you don't believe in the golden rule you won¿t like this book. If you are a man-hater or pushing to simply reverse the whip on men or have a tough time being accountably for your actions, then you will not like it. You may have other issues that need to be resolved before you would understand what this book has to offer. The concepts in this book function with the core premise that there are minimum requirements for men and most men DO meet those requirements. However, as women we have a tendency to raise the minimum requirements without telling our husbands or raising them beyond our husbands capabilities. If your husband is a selfish dirt bag, then do what you need to. But most of us are not married to bad people. Dr. Laura did a wonderful job of helping me understand where I put my husband at a disadvantage and don¿t allow him contribute to the relationship in an effective way. Sometimes I would make decisions that completely ignored his needs and were based solely on the fact that I am a woman and he is a man. I realize that is wrong and was hurting our communication and relationship. I have already taken some of the advice that Dr. Laura offers and it has worked. Give 'your man' some sincere credit and show the sincere respect you want in return and it will work. You may not see results right away depending on how poorly you have treated him, but it will work if he is a normal guy. It goes without saying that husbands who abuse their wives, are completely selfish or all around rotten do not deserve good wives. Dr. Laura doesn't spend the whole book saying this because a normal woman is smart enough to figure that out. She also does not waste our time telling us that serial murderers and terrorists don't deserve good wives, but then most of us are able to figure that out on our own without the help of our man-hater sisters. If you have a tough time understanding that on your own, then again....you may have other issues that need to be resolved before you would understand what this book has to offer.' and 2 -'Jeannie, wife of 10 years, mother of two I had never listened to Dr. Laura's radio show or read any of her books before. I 'stumbled' upon her book one day as I heard reference to it on a radio show that a friend was listening to. Curious, I went out and bought the audiobook and listened with an open heart and mind. This book is truly a nourishing resource particularly for married and engaged women, but also for single women as it is generally helpful in understanding how to constructively maintain relationships with men. I have to applaud Dr. Laura's courage in pointing out in this modern time of pervasive feminin
As a 52 year old masters degree educated executive I am buying Dr Laura’s the Care and Feeding of Marriage, Husbands and Women Power for my niece’s wedding gift. These books teach you to treat your husband as a man and not your girlfriend, and to use your feminine wiles instead of male directness to get along with him better. Typically men marry women because they are attracted to femininity. If he wanted a guy he’d be at the game, gym or a gay bar. Femininity works. Even at age 50 and 244 pounds, or dirty from the dog park or gym, men love me! In rebuke to those reviews that complain of women being exploited by being married to egotistical pigs, Dr Laura said that these books only apply to good husbands that women want to get along better with.
Some of the things in this book is insightful as to how a guy sees things but it's hard not to see how one-sided this book is Is Dr. Laura really a woman because she is extremely biased against them? Examples from book 1) Extended vacations without spouse: She starts the book speaking of selfish women who call her show including women who call to justify extended vacations with out the spouse. Ok, so extended vacations without a spouse is bad, right? Wrong! According to Dr. Laura it's only bad when women want this. A woman should not interfere with a husband's hobby or "guy time". She even starts the guy time chapter with a letter from a man that says women should understand that if her husband wants a three week hunting trip it's just because he wants to kill something. Isn't three week hunting trip a major extended vacation? 2) Work. Dr. Laura thinks equates women work outside the house as something that should be elimiated or reduced if hubby doesnt like it but a woman should not interfere with HUSBAND's work schedule or "Guy Time" Example: A woman in real estate whose husband feels abandoned because she works evenings and weekends. Selfish woman! Yet, another woman writes about feeling abandoned because her husband VOLUNTARILY works extra hours. Again, the woman is the selfish one because she wants him to work less! Actually Dr. Laura has the never to comment about another letter where the husband plays golf on Saturday and Sunday! So i guy can even spend his whole weekend on non-work activities and its still ok but a woman should quit if HE feels abandoned by her JOB. 3)Ask your husband for "animal you brought home" but you have to change if he's not happy with YOU. Example: A woman hates that her husband plays in the band all the time but admits he did it when they were dating so she should expect him to change. Ok, fair enough. But then she quotes a husband who is disastified with her career wife who is trying to get her PhD because a mother should, perphaps spend 100% of her time at home. So, did he not know he married a career woman? Isn't it a little unfair to now expect her to be a housewife?
This is not an archaic concept. The clear recommendation of this book is to appreciate your husband. If a woman thinks it is too '1950's' to simply be nice to your husband (as opposed to disregarding his feelings, thoughts, ideas and unique ways of doing things, or that it is too June Cleaver to ask for his opinions sometimes,) then she is welcome to the miserable marriage with an unhappy, dejected but otherwise nice person (and an inevitably subsequent divorce). It seems that most women would treat their friends or even strangers with more respect and consideration. But for women who would like a happy marriage with a good man (and perhaps don't buy into the Male-Bashing conditioning of our 'modern' upbringing), this book is absolutely recommended. The book does not tell women to quit their jobs and be subservient by any means. There is nothing wrong with being nice to your husband, but there is definitely something wrong with walking all over him simply because he is male. This book demonstrates how unhappy both people become in that kind of marriage.
Straight to the heart of marriage and of families in general. I couldn't set it down. Put the information to use as soon as I was finished and immediately started receiving what i have been craving from my husband of 14 years. I wish I had read it 15 years ago.
This was a fantastic book. I learned so many things about men that I did not know and in just a week I made a turn around in my marriage that my husband instantly reacted to. He is more attentive, loving and caring now and there are fewer fights and arguments. Read it! Even if you think your marriage is fine, this book will show you that there is more you can get from it.
First of all, I listen Dr. Laura¿s radio show only from time to time so I am not her ¿fan¿. This book is actually written for women who chose to marry for men they love and respect. The author does NOT encourage men or women to stay in relationships with abuse issues! Moreover, it is written for women who really want to make their marriage a successful one. You probably know that every second marriage in the USA FAILS! That¿s why as a happily married woman and a Ph. D. in Sexuality I consider this book to be a must read for its targeted audience. I was amazed to see how perfectly aware of men¿s basic needs and psychology is Dr. Laura. The major piece of advice is to love, respect and take care of your husband! I do believe that this is the bare minimum of every successful relationship! Even today men¿s life is still considered a lot less valuablealthough good men and especially good husbands do their very best, challenge and push themselves to the maximum for US and our children and it¿s no surprise that they die with tens of thousands from heart attack and other stress related diseases! That¿s why I want to support 100% the author that men have proven starting from the Stone Age till nowadays that they at least deserve our respect, care and appreciation! Of course, this does NOT mean that YOU have to play the role of a wife-doormat! Dr. Laura didn't leave her career and job in order to be a housewife? That's why the book is more about PRIORITIES! You may stay all day at home and still your husband to be very dissatisfied with you. It could be exactly the opposite. It is up to YOU how much you invest in your ¿relationship bank account¿. I think that many people have misunderstood Dr. Laura's advice on the common issue- the husband wants to have sex but she doesn¿t want because she is tired, not in a mood, etc¿ I agree with the author that sex has a great importance for men and if you reject an intercourse they will feel as if you reject THEM! If you want to be a great wife you must NEVER allow this to happen. You may reject the intercourse but NOT and HIM! That¿s the trick. In conclusion, I believe that this book has a lot to offer to women in the real non-feministic sense of this word.
The women who are rating this as poor or worse they don't get it. What comes around goes around. Sure you read this and it says dress sexy, have dinner ready, be available for sexual relations. It may sound as some defined retro. But the thing is it works on a 'normal' marriage. I believe there is a disclaimer for husbands who are abussive, alcholics, drug-addicts etc. If you know you have one of these types of men then this book doesn't apply to you That's common sense. The most important thing is you put yourself into the mind set she is describing. Sure it may feel submissive but what she is saying is that he will change his reaction to you action (again if he's not abusive etc.) Think of it this way, your berating, naging, and yelling hasn't worked so far. What have you got to loose? One of the most poignant things she has ever said (in my opinion) is that if you pretend it you will soon feel it. I was depressed and angry, when I stopped behaving depressed and angry and faked being happy and content, I realized shortly after I was feeling it. Now, I don't recommend that for someone who has been diagnosed with a mental health problem. But what have you got to loose?
I am not a fan of Dr. Laura and was told about this book by a friend of mine whom I consider to be a bit of a doormat in her marriage so I dismissed it. Well, after 20 years of marriage, for some reason my marriage was in a ditch. We went to a therapist, I bought 3 different books on making marriage work and was partially through each one of them when this book was again recommended to me by someone whom I respect and feel has a good sense of self and a strong marriage. This was the winner! It is an easy read insofar as it makes sense, and there are no quizzes and tests to take. It is a tough read in that if you see yourself in those pages, it is not very flattering. I had been blaming my husband for most of our problems, but after reading this book I realized (I always knew it anyway) that you get what you give. It's the Golden Rule for marriage. What's easier than that???
I'm not a fan of self help books, but I had to read this because the title caught my eye and I thought it was funny. This book is amazing. If you are married to a good and decent man, this book will improve your marriage. It did mine. It's not going to make an abusive man not abuse or a selfish man be more giving. You can't change a bad man into a good man, but you can make a good man want to be great!
I can see why some people really have a problem with this book. It is straight forward and really calls some personality types out. If you don't believe in the golden rule you won¿t like this book. If you are a man-hater or pushing to simply reverse the whip on men or have a tough time being accountably for your actions, then you will not like it. You may have other issues that need to be resolved before you would understand what this book has to offer. The concepts in this book function with the core premise that there are minimum requirements for men and most men DO meet those requirements. However, as women we have a tendency to raise the minimum requirements without telling our husbands or raising them beyond our husbands capabilities. If your husband is a selfish dirt bag, then do what you need to. But most of us are not married to bad people. Dr. Laura did a wonderful job of helping me understand where I put my husband at a disadvantage and don¿t allow him contribute to the relationship in an effective way. Sometimes I would make decisions that completely ignored his needs and were based solely on the fact that I am a woman and he is a man. I realize that is wrong and was hurting our communication and relationship. I have already taken some of the advice that Dr. Laura offers and it has worked. Give 'your man' some sincere credit and show the sincere respect you want in return and it will work. You may not see results right away depending on how poorly you have treated him, but it will work if he is a normal guy. It goes without saying that husbands who abuse their wives, are completely selfish or all around rotten do not deserve good wives. Dr. Laura doesn't spend the whole book saying this because a normal woman is smart enough to figure that out. She also does not waste our time telling us that serial murderers and terrorists don't deserve good wives, but then most of us are able to figure that out on our own without the help of our man-hater sisters. If you have a tough time understanding that on your own, then again....you may have other issues that need to be resolved before you would understand what this book has to offer.
Ok, I was resistant to reading this book. The title alone ticked me off. But, my marriage wasn't where it should be, so I figured, what have I got to lose. She(Dr. Laura), doesn't tell you to bow down to men, or take abuse. She shows you how your actions can ultimately control the atmosphere of your home. I was a skeptic, but I will tell you, it has helped tremendously!
I had never listened to Dr. Laura's radio show or read any of her books before. I 'stumbled' upon her book one day as I heard reference to it on a radio show that a friend was listening to. Curious, I went out and bought the audiobook and listened with an open heart and mind. This book is truly a nourishing resource particularly for married and engaged women, but also for single women as it is generally helpful in understanding how to constructively maintain relationships with men. I have to applaud Dr. Laura's courage in pointing out in this modern time of pervasive femininism, how truly self-centred many of the demands, expectations, behaviors and attitudes of some of us women truly are. Many of the 'strong women' characters you see on TV nowadays are individuals who derive a sense of superiority from ridiculing men and displaying the same 'its all about me and what I want' attitude that women accuse men of. These are not relationship-building behaviors they are destructive and can have a negative impact on the children in a marriage. Dr. Laura isn't afraid to call a spade a spade and gets right to the heart of the matter. Simply put, if we all followed the golden rule 'do unto others, as we would have them do unto us' many relationships would be healthier and happier. Dr. Laura very simply aticulates the differences between men and women and advises women to accept and embrace them and not expect to relate to a man like we would to a girlfriend. The differences she highlights are supported in other relationship books I have read. In response to some of the criticisms I have seen of this book, let me point out that Dr. Laura very clearly asserts that as long as your man is not a sociopath or narcissistic and is your average decent guy, then the principles she espouses can work for you. She did not suggest that her book was in any way appropriate for those extreme cases. The better articles I have read about changing relationships have recommended, like Dr. Laura does, that we start with changing our own behavior - after all you cannot force another person to change. This, I feel is very empowering to women and carries with it some real hope that things can be better. I have experienced for myself that a little kindness to my husband can go a long, long way. The book has taught me to respect his feelings more which is something I would want for myself - so shouldn't I give it??? I will take a page out of Dr. Laura's book and make my own controversial statement: any woman who cannot see the value in the advice Dr. Laura gives in this book is probably not marriage material (at least not yet). Ladies, read this book and circulate it to every female you care about - you have nothing to lose and much to gain.
This book has REALLY helped me lighten up and love my husband for who he is. I can't even describe the elevated degree of happiness we have in our home, just from implementing a few of Dr. Laura's ideas. I thought our marriage was fine before, now it is even better.
23 yrs of age, married almost 5 yrs and a stay-at-home mom with a 4yr, 2yr and 1 month old. I was given this book by my mother-in-law to read and give her my opinion of it. Well after reading it in a few days I must say this is one of the better books I have read (& I've read plenty over the last several years) on the issues of being a woman, especially on how I (we) relate to ourselves and others...especially men! I have already been using some of the advice from the author and WOW what a POSITIVE difference in my life and my relationships with others, not just with my husband. I have also noticed a POSTIVE change in my two oldest (boys) and their behavior with my husband and myself, as well as each other! It is nice to feel more at peace with myself and others...it is also good to start feeling that balance and harmony/peace in our home! I would encourage any woman with marital or male issues whether big or small to read this book. Check it out from the library, if you don't like just return it...I am returning the one I borrowed and buying a copy of my own...and maybe a few to give away :)
After reading this book cover to cover in a couple of days ( couldn't put it down) I highly recommend it for all couples contemplating marriage. What an eye opener!!I see so many women who trash their husbands behind their backs, are too busy with the kids and their own interests and can't be bothered to take the time to pay attention to their husbands needs. Wake up ladies!!! If you truly wanted a happy marriage you'd 'quit yer b----ing' and treat the man with love and respect instead of like dirt.
This book was so truthful about the way women behave in relationships. I can't believe I've been brainwashed into thinking I can treat my husband so poorly, and still expect him to kiss the ground I walk on. This book really showed me just how much men deserve our love, respect, and kindness--as much as we deserve theirs. Even if you are not a fan of Dr. Laura, you will appreciate this book--in more ways than one.
The selfish behaviors of women that Dr. Laura writes of are exactly why so many families are falling apart. If you think that this book is 'retro,' 'drivel,' or '50s thinking,' you should ask your HUSBAND to read it and ask what HE thinks. He might just be finding appreciation and respect somewhere else.
Dr Laura is a reformed feminist. If you're a feminist, you'll probably disagree with much of what she says. If you're open minded and want a happy marriage, this is a great book. My wife and I love Dr Laura and have a super, fantastic relationship practicing what she preaches. Choose wisely, and treat kindly. It really is that simple.
It is interesting that many of the negative reviews this book has generated are based on personal bias against the author, inaccurate gossip or misunderstandings of the concepts. Any review that contains personal attacks on any author should be viewed with skepticism. To clarify some misrepresentations, Dr. Laura has never been a gym teacher. Her doctorate is in physiology, which is defined as the scientific study of function in living systems; a sub-discipline of biology, its focus is in how organisms, organ systems, organs, cells, and bio-molecules carry out the chemical or physical functions that exist in a living system. Her post-doctoral certification is in Marriage, Family, and Child Counseling from the University of Southern California. She was also on the faculty of the Graduate Psychology Department at Pepperdine University. The book does not advocate that women take abuse. In fact the first page of the book clearly states that if a man is addicted, an adulterer or abusive the advice in the book is not applicable. This book is intended to remind women of the power they hold in the marital relationship. Too many women believe the wedding is the goal and they stop doing all the girl friend behaviors that won her the man. They look at their relationship as a sibling rivalry and not a partnership. If a man wants something, he's being controlling. If a woman wants something then a man has to be attentive to her needs, which men should never have for their own. Husbands become sidelined as peripheral appendages and something to be tolerated. A woman should not view giving a man his preference about something as her having lost something or that he has won something, and thus depriving her. Too often women want to prove to a man that they will not be controlled by him, which they do by proving how they don't need him. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle! If you keep showing and telling a man that you don't need him, don't be surprised when he finds someone who does need him. The intent of this book is to get women to treat their men as they did when they looked at him with respect, admiration and love. The overall concept is to encourage women to treat men kindly, which is now seen by some as derogatory. The book does not support a woman being subservient to a man or being his doormat, but seeks to remind a woman how to use her feminine charms, which she employed in her girlfriend days with desired results. The point of the book is the proviso, choose wisely and treat kindly. For further reading, try O. Henry's the Gift of the Magi.
I believe most of what she said is correct. There is a lot of good advice. My only beef is I feel like the author is yelling at me. There are probably women who actually need that. I don't know how to describe it critical ? Putting women down?? .. at times she sounded like she hated other women or was looking down on them. She should calm down.. Iam looking forward to buying & reading this book regardless.
I think this is the best marriage book ever written. I read it as a companion to the Bible, Proverbs 31 and The Song of Solomen. It totally changed my life. I had no idea how men really think. I have been married for 34 years. I had been doing a lot of the stuff in this book. This encouraged me that I am on the right track. I feel like I am on my 2nd honeymoon. I am having so much fun with this book. I am getting it for every couple I know. I gave the book to my sister in law. When I gave it to her my husband said." That's only to borrow she wants it back" He wants me to keep the book. (So cute) I told him I'm buying another one. My brother said to buy a case of them to hand out. He is right., this book WILL change your life forever.