Read an Excerpt
Queen of Fire
By Jennifer Lee Pierce
Balboa PressCopyright © 2013 Jennifer Lee Pierce
All rights reserved.
QUEEN OF FIRE
"Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be." Jose Ortega y Gasset
For years I've been encouraged by many without any connections to each other to tell my story. The time is now right to tell my truth, my perspective, and my experience. I've been labeled an avid learner, a work in progress, and a truth seeker for myself and about myself.
In my 39 years I've experienced great pain through the breakup of my nuclear family, abandonment, divorce and having my heart broken by the love of my life. I've also experienced even greater joy through the births of my son and daughter, love and support from my friends and family, so much laughter, travel, education, writing, dancing and singing, career success, falling in love and passionate relationships.
I am and always will be a work in progress because as many barriers as I've overcome, as many silver-linings as I've found in situations, and the many, many blessings I've had in my life I admit to having moments when I question the experiences. I am slowly learning to surrender, ask for help, and to be vulnerable.
As part of my spiritual journey this book serves as a resource to heal and to be better than my best. In tarot the Major Arcana card, Queen of Fire means confident, warm, intelligent, and graceful. She encourages you to stretch your wings and fly, don't underestimate yourself and assert your independence and creativity. The Queen of Fire is me. It is my hope that this book will inspire others to live without fear and persevere despite what life hands you and take those moments in your life and turn them into positive learning moments.
Doreen Virtue. Angel Tarot Cards
"I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." ~Kim Basinger
I am the first born daughter of two beings who instilled and unwavering work-ethic, independence and drive in me that has served me well throughout my life.
I was born feeling special. I am intuitive, clairvoyant and clairsentient. I have the ability to see visions and feel the emotions of others. I've spent 39 years embracing, understanding, and strengthening this gift. As a young child, I didn't know the feelings I felt were that of being highly perceptive of a truth and understanding without reasoning. I fought against this gift for years because my first recollection of this power and the impact of knowing the truth was the single most impactful and significant moment of my life. This one event instantly changed me.
My parents met when my mother was 19 years old and my father 24. They were married a year later and were married for 12 years. I don't recall my parents ever fighting or observing any breakdown in their marriage. In fact, always feeling older than I actually was, I can remember vividly stepping back, having a moment of self-reflection and thinking my life was good. I had everything.
I was 10 years old when I experienced but did not recognize my first clairvoyant experience. I came in the house after playing outside and found my mother packing dishes. I looked at my mother and new exactly why she was doing this. I asked her if she and my father were getting divorced.
At the time, I wasn't even aware of how I knew the term divorce. I was very sheltered and protected by the realities of the world. After long hesitation to my question, my parents sat both my sister and I down and confirmed the truth. A lesson that I was too young to understand, life can change in an instant and being sheltered did not serve me well. Suddenly at 10 years old, I felt an enormous pressure and responsibility to grow up really fast.
It was 28 years ago when I started building a shield around my heart; I felt abandoned and held resentment towards my mother and kept her at arms length for 23 years. It wasn't until I was 33 years old and began to walk where my mother had walked and truly began to understand her, forgive her, and bring her back into my life. I set my Yankee pride aside and apologized to my mother for how I judged her and slowing rebuilt our relationship.
I have spent the majority of my life with the exception of the last five years of not being truly present and afraid of my intuitive gift and blocked this gift as much as I could. I know things that are not always positive. I have slowly learned to listen to my intuition and the messages being sent to me. Often those messages don't make sense at the time I'm receiving them. It is my job to sift through those messages and figure it out.
However, I have experienced great success in my professional career as an internal investigator and corporate coach using my gift. Listening to my intuition in my personal life has been more challenging. This is part of the lessons I need to learn, recognize, acknowledge, and change the themes that have held me back.
As I reflect on the last 39 years of my life it has been my intuition and love and support from my angel guides, family, friends, and mentors and even my nemesis' that have given me the strength to persist, take my lashings like any other strong woman, dust myself off and continue on. I state with full certainty that I planned my path and my learning before I was even born. I was born to experience and learn vulnerability, self-love, and courage. I will continue to be presented with these lessons until I get it right. If I didn't have lessons to learn, I would not be in human form. Instead I would be on the other side of the veil being a spirit guide for others. I will get there someday; I am guessing I have at least one more life time to get this right.
"There ain't no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it." ~ Kate DiCamillo
One theme has been consistent during the first half of my life; I have always known who I was. I've evolved and matured through the years and my perspectives on life have certainly changed since my adolescents, twenties, thirties and pending forties, but I know who I am. The trick has been being comfortable with my authentic self and giving myself permission to celebrate being me.
I am exuberant, adventurous, optimistic, sincere, honest, extravagant, restless, careless, impulsive, and uncommitted. Fortunately and unfortunately, this is me.
For years I felt the pain I had and would experience was a punishment for poor choices. Now I understand it to be an opportunity for the growth of my soul and payment of karmic debt from a previous life. I've made a series of bad choices and I've experienced my fair share of unfortunate events with an abundance of fantastic choices and fortunate events. I am not unique to the experience of pain and fully aware that others have had more significant and traumatic events.
I have lived a blessed life, but have not always recognized the blessings around me. This is the hand that I chose before I was born to absorb and the lessons that I had to learn and am still learning and I want to continue to learn until my last day on this earthly plane.
I met Jason when I was in middle school. He had shiny black hair, dark eyes that smiled when he looked at you, and an angelic round beautiful face. He was overtly charismatic, talented, kind, and funny. He seemed immediately smitten with me and we became fast friends and he would become my first boyfriend. He was an old soul as well and had a calmness about him that I had never been introduced to before until I met him.
We lived one street over from one another and would meet in the woods to see each other. In the evening we would talk on the phone for hours about nothing and about everything. I looked forward to our talks and it would be the first time I would experience a boy in love with me.
He was extremely vulnerable around me for someone so young, he poured his emotions out to me through love letters and made it no secret to anyone how he felt about me. He always wanted me safe and protected. He shared with me that he was told by a tarot card reader that he would not live past the age of 16. He seemed undaunted by this. I didn't want to believe him. I associated my intuition at this time with only pain and I did not want this to be true. I placed this knowledge in the farthest part of my heart.
When we went to high school we were not as close as we once were. Although we still spoke on the phone often, my interest in him began to lessen. As I grew in popularity and enjoyed the new found attention I was getting from the older boys I distanced myself from him. He never seemed to detach himself from me spiritually and my well-being remained a priority to him.
When I was fourteen, I snuck out of my house. When my parents discovered what I had done they were understandably frantic. My mother called Jason to help find me. At 2am, he jumped on his bike and began searching for me. When I was finally found, Jason was rightly pissed and expressed his disappointment to me. I had never experienced him angry with me. At the time, I didn't truly understand what he did for me. He didn't speak to me for weeks and ignored me when we came face to face. His response towards me hurt me.
In January of 1990, Jason was in a terrible car accident that also killed another classmate and injured another. Jason suffered a head trauma and was brain dead. On January 31st , 1990 his parents made the difficult decision to remove Jason from life support. He was 16 years old. He would have been 17 years old in February.
I had never experienced death, let alone from someone so young. I couldn't focus, understand it, and was distraught. I was still pushing away my gift but Jason's spirit was around me. This was my first time sensing spirit. He had no intention of leaving me and he waited patiently until I was ready to acknowledge my gift.
Jason began to visit in my dreams. He looked exactly as he always did, young and beautiful. I looked forward to his visits. I was lucid in my dreams. In other words, I knew I was dreaming and took full advantage of my time with Jason. When Jason's spirit was around me I could smell him and he would walk right through my body. The only way I can describe the feeling of a spirit going through your body is that of extreme lightheadedness.
In March of 1992, I got into an automobile accident. My car crashed and cut through a telephone pole and flipped forward three times. When police came to the scene by the looks of the car damage they assumed the person would be dead on arrival. I don't remember anything about the accident and basically walked away unscathed. I knew and my mother knew that Jason protected me and saved my life once again.
I assumed at some point he would leave and I would stop feeling his presence. I could always hear him say in my ear that everything would be okay Babe and that he was here and will never leave me. My most recent visit from him, he whispered reiterating what I already knew. "I left this world loving you. In your world, I wanted to love you the way a man loves a woman. We were and are heart to heart connected. I am always with you and I am helping your through your struggle right now." Jason is my Spirit Guide, is still my protector, and still loving me.
Jason has been visiting me at least once a month in my lucid dreams for over 20 years. He is still 16 years old in my dreams and is angelic and beautiful. Jason sometimes sits at the edge of my bed when I need comfort. He still tells me that everything will be okay. He has helped me with my spirituality, guided me to become more open to my gift of intuitiveness, and continues to protect me from harm. It is my belief that he will send me my soul mate for the remainder of my time on this earthly plane when I am ready to open my heart fully and receive love from a man.
A significant moment of my life was Allen. A book may have to be written on this relationship alone. I've known him since I was 7 years old and he was a flirt even then. I was 16 years old when I was a customer at his family's ski shop. I would describe him then as the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I experienced feelings in my heart and body that were brand new to me.
This is the first time I experienced chemistry and attraction before with another person. When I saw Allen in the ski shop, it was also my first clairvoyant image. I saw a little blonde boy which inevitably would be my son running down the hall in the ski shop in a wet suit at 2 years old. I couldn't stop thinking about Allen and once again my intuition was telling me that this boy will hurt you beyond belief. The heart wants what the heart wants and I loved Allen instantly.
As exciting and passionate as Allen was, he was incredibly insecure and possessive. His possessiveness became emotionally abusive and there began my behaviors of not feeling or being good enough. I don't blame everything on Allen; I am accountable for allowing and enabling his behavior.
Five years later when I was 21 years old, Allen convinced me that he was ready to commit. We began planning our life together which I knew in my gut would end up in divorce, yet I continued on with this delusion. During this time of playing house I became pregnant, but convinced myself that this was fine because we were planning our wedding anyway. Inside I worried that Allen would not show on our wedding day and at four months into my pregnancy Allen told me that not only did he not want to get married but he didn't want me at all.
It's hard to articulate that type of pain in words. It is still difficult for me to tell this story without getting emotional, a clear sign that this level of devastation is still deeply imbedded inside me. I was pregnant at 21, unwed, hadn't completed college yet and had no plan. I was a cliché and couldn't believe that this had happened to a "girl like me". This was not part of my plan.
Over the next 5 months of my pregnancy, I didn't see or talk to Allen yet stayed connected to his mother, who I am still so grateful to for taking care of me. I wallowed in self-pity and cried everyday devastated by my circumstance. Once I started feeling the baby move inside of me something happened to me.
I became intrinsically motivated and would not be a cliché, statistic, or the recipient of the pity face that people give to you when you're knocked up, young and alone. I was determined to show Allen and the other judgmental town-folk that I didn't need him or want him and would succeed without him.
As a 21 year old woman, there was a mountain to climb and a plan that needed to be put in place. I had an average IQ but an above average drive and perseverance inside me. I decided to tap into my strengths and plow thru. One has to wonder if I would have continued to flourish without the motivation of my pregnancy. The responsibility of nurturing a child gave me the grounding I desperately needed.
On September 30th, 1995 I gave birth to Alexander. As all parents, we believe our children are the most beautiful. Alex was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and couldn't believe he belonged to me. My intuition told me that he was also special in a different sense that most parents think. He was born to create wonder for all of us. The kick start to my life was official AND the last day I would ever have a good night sleep.
Something changed in me that birthing day at the hospital; I felt it click in my brain. I couldn't count on anyone and I couldn't afford to be vulnerable and weak. At that moment I built a wall of protection around myself to never let anyone get close enough to me, to love a man like that again, and to let a man love me. This choice would lead me to a difficult path, but it was one of my lessons that I was sent here to learn.
What was also significant on that September day, it was the first time I saw my future husband. Ian walked into my hospital room with his girlfriend, who was also a friend. I don't recall any sparks flying when he came in the room and I certainly wasn't looking presentable after pushing a human being out of my body. What did surprise me was when he walked in the room; I said to myself, there is my husband.
Ian married the friend months later and eight months into their marriage they were divorced. I was friends with Ian and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. He was attractive, fun, gave me tons of attention and was really good to my son. I convinced myself that it was okay to go out with my friend's ex-husband. I rationalized this because my friend left him, she didn't love him, and she wasn't a kind soul. Basically, I came up with every reason plausible. My friendship ended with his first wife and my relationship with Ian began. Reflecting back on that choice, I would never make that choice again. It was wrong, people were hurt and really spoke to my issue with impulse control.
Excerpted from Queen of Fire by Jennifer Lee Pierce. Copyright © 2013 by Jennifer Lee Pierce. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.