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Race You to the Fountain of Youth: I'm Not Dead Yet! (but Parts of Me Are Going Fast!)

Overview

The men are on one side.

The women on the other.

They're ready — they're set — they're off!...

Well...maybe not.

Seasoned comedy writers Martha Bolton and Brad Dickson take an unconventional, refreshing look at the over-forty race to the Fountain of Youth. Instead of heaping on the pressure to exercise more, eat less, manage your time, and save all your money for retirement, ...

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Race You to the Fountain of Youth: I'm Not Dead Yet! (but Parts of Me Are Going Fast!)

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Overview

The men are on one side.

The women on the other.

They're ready — they're set — they're off!...

Well...maybe not.

Seasoned comedy writers Martha Bolton and Brad Dickson take an unconventional, refreshing look at the over-forty race to the Fountain of Youth. Instead of heaping on the pressure to exercise more, eat less, manage your time, and save all your money for retirement, Bolton and Dickson offer a take-it-easy approach to aging with chapters like:

€ If Menopausal Women Ruled the World

€ How to Calculate Your Real Age

€ I Am Woman, Where'd I Go?

€ Desperate Grandmas

€ He Died of What?

€ Gimme a Head with Hair

Filled with gentle encouragement and rolling humor, Race You to the Fountain of Youth will remind you to focus on the things that truly matter — contentment, personal growth, faith, and joy. Relevant, real, and always funny, this look at the better half of life doesn't ask you to change one thing about yourself — except maybe to laugh a bit more and worry a bit less.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781416543992
  • Publisher: Howard Books
  • Publication date: 10/2/2007
  • Edition description: Original
  • Pages: 208
  • Product dimensions: 8.60 (w) x 5.30 (h) x 0.60 (d)

Meet the Author

Martha Bolton is the author of more than fifty books of humor and inspiration, including The "Official" Hugs Book, The "Official" Grad Book, and The "Official" Friends Book. She was a staff writer for Bob Hope for more than fifteen years and has received both an Emmy nomination (for Outstanding Achievement in Music and Lyrics) and a Dove nomination (for A Lamb's Tale, a children's musical). Martha has written for such entertainers as Phyllis Diller, Wayne Newton, Mark Lowry, and Jeff Allen and is also known as The Cafeteria Lady for Brio Magazine.

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Read an Excerpt

Physical Changes of the Over-Forty Woman
I Am Woman, Where'd I Go?

What over-forty woman hasn't stood in front of a mirror and succumbed to the temptation of rolling up her forehead and tucking it under her bangs to take off a few years? If we're honest, we would all admit to doing this. Why do you think big hair is coming back in style? It's to give us someplace to tape back a few of those birthdays. (I wouldn't recommend using duct tape, however. The silver tends to show through your bangs.)

Another thing we'd probably admit to, if we're honest, is watching some of those makeover shows and wondering what it would be like to actually undergo plastic surgery. Does it hurt? Can I afford it? How long is the recovery? And will they still let me in AARP if I look too young?

Some of us don't stop there. We figure, well, if I'm going under for a face-lift, why not get a different nose while I'm at it? Or a straighter smile, or higher cheekbones, or a more pronounced chin. Perhaps we'd like to add a dimple or two or get our ears stitched back or have a little liposuction on our thighs. Or maybe we'd like to hem that "chin skirt" we've started growing since we turned fifty.

I'm not ready for any of that. Not yet, anyway. The main thing holding me back is the fact that plastic surgery is still an invasive procedure. If it was something that could be done, say, in a drive-through lane and I could get on with my day, then I might be more interested. But plastic surgery is a far more complicated order than what can be handled in a drive-through. It's going to require getting out of the lane and pulling over to the side and waiting, at least until the anesthetic wears off. So I'll pass for now and leave the makeovers to braver souls. A few of them are doing enough to make up for the rest of us anyway. They're single-handedly keeping the nation's plastic surgeons in caviar.

Do you know that statistically more women get plastic surgery than men? The divide between us is shrinking, but women still in this race hands (and whatever else is heading southward) down. Maybe one reason we get more plastic surgery is that we spend a lot more time in front of the mirror than men do. And not just any mirror. We bought into the "need" to have magnifying mirrors. What were we thinking? Sure, it helps when we're trying to pluck our eyebrows, but a wrinkle magnified thirty times can be scarier than a Stephen King novel! Men know better than to buy magnifying mirrors. They may allow their barber to use one when it's time for a haircut and he needs help findingwhat to cut, but a man would never shave with a magnifying mirror. Instinctively he knows it's not a wise thing to do.

I've watched the makeover shows on television. The end results are usually pretty dramatic, but again, it's the process that holds me back. I think I could make it as far as getting the lines drawn on my face. That much I could handle with a minimum of anesthesia. It would be sort of like looking at model homes and imagining where your furniture would go but never actually purchasing the house. Or like taking a three-sizes-ago dress out of your closet and holding it up to your current body. You know you're not going to actually get into the dress (not without the Jaws of Life), but you can dream.

So I dream. That's all. Dream about the possibilities. It's safe and painless. Dreaming doesn't involve stitches. Besides, without a magnifying mirror, I'm content to live in my new "loosened-up" skin. It's comfortable, like an old pair of jeans that has just the right give. It's still me in there. And like women everywhere, I've earned each and every laugh and worry line.

Besides, where does all this making over stop? I watched a show recently about how teenage girls are choosing to have plastic surgery. Not because theywere severely injured in an automobile accident or born with some facial disfigurement. They believe they have to have the perfect nose, the perfect smile, the perfect whatever.

But are we losing something with all this "perfection"?

When I was in school, some of the nicest people on campus weren't the ones with the flawless facial features and perfectly chiseled physiques. They were the average- or even less-than-average-looking kids who had accepted themselves with all their less-than-perfect aspects — and accepted others with their less-than-perfect aspects, too. So maybe stopping at the presurgery lines drawn on my face isn't a bad thing to do — at least for me, at least for now. Like I said, if they ever make plastic surgery something I can get in a drive-through lane, I might reconsider. But only if I can have fries with that.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Ready, Set, Groan................... 1

The Female Team......................3

Physical Changes of the Over-Forty Woman...............5

I Am Woman, Where'd I Go?...........................5

Corn Pads Are Just Another Way of Saying Happy Birthday. . 9

I'm Not Dead Yet (But Parts of Me Are Fading Fast)....... . 11

The Botox Chronicles...........................13

Things We Did Back Then That We're Paying for Now.... . 19

Is It Really Possible?. . 20

All in How You Look at It ..................23

A Woman's Advantages in Living to One Hundred....... . 23

Fifty Cents and Two Box Tops...................... . 24

Can't Take It With You......................... . 27

Video Farewells......................... . 31

A Few Minor Adjustments...................... . 35

Driving Tips............................ 35

Temporary, Nonsurgical Procedures for the

Budget-Minded Woman over Forty................... 39

Popular Sports Adjusted for the Woman over Forty. . 41

The Boomer-Friendly Mall...........................43

Getting Out the Vote...........................46

If Menopausal Women Ruled the World................ . 49

Taking Care............................ 51

Dream Doctor...........................51

You Are What You Eat............................ 57

How to Calculate Your Real Age........................59

A Woman's Guide to Living Longer. . 61

Times Change............................ 63

We Interrupt This Program......................... . 63

Mom or Grandma?............................ 65

Desperate Grandmas...........................67

You Know You're

Getting Older When................ . 69

Why Exercise Sometimes Doesn't Work................ . 70

Bigger Isn't Always Better........................71

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.... . 73

The Black Hole of Passwords......................... 74

A Million Isn't What It Used to Be.....................76

The Race Goes On...........................77

Things We Still Don't Know After All These Years.........77

Head Knowledge............................... .79

Making Our Voices Heard......................... . 80

Getting Close......................... . 82

Running Neck and Neck: Obstacles and Racing Tips for Both the Male and Female Teams..................85

Upside and Downside of Turning Fifty..................86

Signs Your Eyesight Could Be Worsening................ 87

Working Till We Drop...........................88

Acting Their Age...................... . 91

Custom Exercise Equipment and Clothing for the Baby Boomer. . 92

Collectible Hits and Misses......................... 97

The Male Team..............................99

Health............................... 103

Fear and Loathing in the Waiting Room................ 103

He Died of What?...........................106

Denial Is Not Just a River..........................109

Why I Distrust Doctors...........................112

The Executive Physical................... 115

Hypochondria (Or Why I'm Pretty Sure I've Contracted Western Spotted Elk Diphtheria)................... . 118

The U.S. Health-Care System (Or Why I'm Looking at Property in Canada)......................... . 120

Where'd You Get Your Degree?........................123

Dr. Bruce............................ . 126

The World's Oldest People......................... . 128

Supplements: Modern-Day Pet Rocks?................ . 130

Appearance..................133

Vanity, Thy Name Is Ralph............. . 133

Gimme a Head With Hair......................... 136

Gee, Your Head Looks Terrific...................... . 139

Botox for Men...........................142

Our Aging Presidents................ . 145

Calf Implants............................ 147

Dressing to Please......................... . 149

Trends.................................. . 151

Da Do Ron Ron............................ 151

Th-th-that's

All, Folks!............. . 153

Another Reason to Take Care of Yourself: Drive-Through Mortuaries...........................155

Dad or Granddad?......................... . 157

The Polar Bear Club............................159

I Can't Drive Fifty-five After I Turn Fifty-five............. 161

Staying in School — Forever............. . 164

Everybody's Working for the Weekend....... . 166

Large-Print Books......................... 168

Honey, They Shrunk My Brain................ 170

Exercise.....................173

No Pain, No Gain...........................173

The Bench Press................... 176

Presidents: They Love to Run!......................... . 178

What Do They Want?................... 181

Jack LaLanne......................... 184

The Longevity Test...........................185

What Have We Learned?...........................189

And the Winner Is............................ . 193

About the Authors......................... 195

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 7, 2007

    SOME FUNNY STUFF

    This is a hilarious look at all the crazy, bizarre things people do to try and stay young. I laughed for the first time about four words into the book and didn t stop until I was done. The female author writes the first half of the book, the male author the second. There are many funny lines and observations here. Some of the humor is a bit rough for my taste, but man, did I laugh. And then felt slightly guilty. For example when the male author is discussing attending the first funeral for a male friend who died of natural causes.

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