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Overview
Sweet natured and as dumb as a bag of hammers, Sepp Gregory parlayed his six-pack abs and broken heart into overnight success on the insanely popular “reality-based” television show Sex Crib. Now, People magazine’s “sexiest man alive” is touring the country with his bestselling debut novel, a barely fictionalized memoir he neither wrote nor read. He’s signing books shirtless, so no one cares—except for struggling novelist and bastion of intellectualism, Harriet Post.
One of the blogosphere’s stuffiest literary minds, Harriet believes Sepp is the very definition of the apocalypse. Determined to pen an exposé on the publishing industry, Harriet hijacks the book tour and uncovers the ghostwriter. But when her self-righteous campaign ends in a tragic accident, reality collides with “reality” and Sepp and Harriet take it on the lam. Hightailing it on a sex-fueled road trip through the Southwest, Harriet is finally in step with contemporary culture.
Coming “across as the slightly more well-adjusted offspring of Hunter S. Thompson and James Ellroy,” Mark Haskell Smith is at his raucous best in this “incisive, caustic . . . hilarious and . . . unexpectedly sweet illustration of why we write and read in the first place” (Los Angeles Times).
“Subversively funny . . . Think Don DeLillo meets Jersey Shore.” —The Wrap
“Both hilarious and absurd. You’ll laugh (and sometimes blush) the whole way through.” —People
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780802192998 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Grove/Atlantic, Inc. |
| Publication date: | 04/01/2018 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 352 |
| Sales rank: | 944,971 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Seattle
Did you really hook up with Roxy Sandoval?"
Everywhere he went people asked him the same question. Like it must have been fake. Like they couldn't believe their eyes even though it was happening right there on the TV. Twenty-five million people tuned in and saw the white sheets tented over their bodies as Roxy's head bobbed up and down and Sepp moaned and thrashed like a porn star being electrocuted, but they still had to ask. He'd been aware of the cameras for sure — you don't go on a show like Sex Crib and not know that there are cameras in every single room. The place was totally wired for video and sound. They would've put a minicam inside the toilet if they could get the footage past Standards & Practices.
Did he really hook up with Roxy Sandoval? Dude. Sepp and Roxy had hooked up in about every way a man and a woman could attach to or insert their various body parts in each other. They did it backwards, forwards, upside down, and sideways. And then they did it again. And again. Everyone had seen it. And the footage that didn't make the show? The raw stuff? That was available for only $39.99 on the special adults-only DVD; it was like a network-authorized amateur sex tape with real production value. Sepp especially liked the way his eyes looked in the night-vision cameras, that weird inside glint that shined out, like he was some kind of night-stalking Roxy-banging jungle cat. A puma, maybe.
"Didn't you watch the show?"
The guy asking about Roxy must've weighed three hundred pounds — a mass of pasty flab cloaked in a fluorescent-green Seattle Sounders jersey.
"For sure. I've seen all your shows. My favorite was Love Express. But I always wondered about Roxy. Was she as hot as she looked?"
Sepp reached up and dragged his fingers through his spiky brown hair. A stylist on the show had spent hours giving him a razor cut so he'd always look like he'd just climbed out of bed; she'd shown him how to apply a dab of product and tousle it just right, so he could do it anywhere. He blinked his blue eyes at the guy — eyes that some snarky reporter on E! had said looked a little too close together. Sepp didn't think so, but whatever, dude. Let the haters hate. You don't get named one of People magazine's sexiest men alive with scrunched-up eyes.
Sepp looked up from the book-signing table. "What do you think?"
The guy smiled. "Yeah. I think she'd be hot."
Sepp flashed his freshly veneered teeth and took the book out of the guy's clammy grip.
"TV doesn't lie." Sepp rapped his knuckles on the cover of the book. "And the rest is all in here, amigo."
Sepp said this with confidence, as if he'd actually written his book, but the truth was that he hadn't had much to do with it except wasting a couple days hanging out with the ghostwriter, listening to him whine about how he couldn't meet women and nobody liked him and Brooklyn was overrated and the world was just a big bucket of shit. Sepp didn't know why the book wasn't the true story of his life, but it had something to do with the network owning his life rights or something, so the book was a novel, some made-up stuff that was like his story but not exactly his story. It was close enough; the hero was a reality TV star with a tight body so it was like, only part fictional. That's pretty much all Sepp knew about it and, really, he looked amazing on the cover and his name was the same size as the book's name so, like, how cool is that? His agent said it was all part of their overall brand strategy for him. Plus they'd paid him a lot of money.
Sepp opened the book to the title page, the part that said TOTALLY REALITY: A Novel. Underneath that it said Sepp Gregory. So awesome.
"Would you like it personalized?"
Brenda had told him to ask that. She was the publicity person at his publisher and she knew everything about selling books. She told him it would keep people from selling the book on eBay if their name was written in it.
The guy nodded. "Make it to Blake."
Sepp personalized it, then signed his name, making a dramatic swooping S followed by a few tight loops to create the double pp. Brenda had made him practice this signature, over and over again until it looked cool, but was still readable. Sepp had never thought about his autograph before but Brenda had told him that it was important to have a clear, stylish signature. Sepp handed the book back and smiled.
"Thanks Blake. Keep it real."
Sepp offered his fist and Blake bumped it with his, grinning the stunned smile of someone who's just come into close personal contact with a real live celebrity.
Blake shuffled off and Sepp looked at the line. If a line snakes, as the cliché goes, then Sepp's line was an anaconda, fat with fans, winding through the signing area and up some stairs, past the coffee shop, through the length of the Elliott Bay bookstore, and out the door into the gray drizzle of Seattle. They were all clutching his book, some of them with more than one copy, juggling it with their lattes and umbrellas and what Brenda called memorabilia. Brenda had made it clear that if anyone wanted memorabilia signed they had to buy one book for each DVD or poster or calendar or T-shirt or whatever it was that they wanted him to autograph. He was on tour, she reminded him, to sell books.
One of the bookstore employees, an attractive middle-aged woman with frizzy dark hair and a woolly cardigan, came up to him.
"Can I get you something? A coffee? Water?"
The bookstore people hadn't acted all that happy to see him when he first rolled in. Some guy with a beard behind the counter even gave him the stink-eye. Brenda had told him that a lot of bookstore owners blamed television for declining readership so they didn't love TV stars and he might get some attitude. Sepp understood that — no hard feelings — because given the choice between a cool show and a dumb book, dude, that's a no brainer.
While the folks who worked at the bookstore had acted all snooty when he arrived, now that they were watching a couple hundred books fly off the shelves — hardcover copies at $26.99 a pop — they wanted to make sure he was hydrated; now they were super delighted to have a TV star in their store.
Sepp smiled up at the woman.
"Can I get a latte? With low-fat soy?"
It was his private joke to ask for low-fat soy. It was like asking for a decaf unicorn.
She nodded. "Of course. I'll be right back."
Sepp turned and smiled at the next person in line. He was delighted to see it was a fresh-faced young woman coming toward him with a book in her hand.
"I'm such a fan."
She smiled, revealing a tangle of braces in her mouth like she'd just chewed a handful of paper clips.
Sepp couldn't help it, he grinned back at her. "Thanks. Would you like this personalized?"
"Can you make it 'for Madison'?"
"Sure."
He looked up at her. She was cute. "You go to school, Madison?"
"Yeah. I'm at the U-Dub."
"Awesome. It's good to stay in school."
One of the things Sepp liked about being a celebrity was that he got to be a role model for young people. He wanted to be inspirational. He liked to tell them to go to school, use condoms, and have good personal hygiene. These things are important.
Madison cleared her throat. "Mr. Gregory? Can I get a picture of me and your abs?"
Sepp didn't consider this an unusual request. He'd spent a lot of time on various TV shows with his shirt off and he was justifiably famous for his six-pack. How many crunches did he do a day? Five hundred. And then he did other stuff too. Some Pilates. Some work with medicine balls and kettle bells. His abs were toned to perfection with state-of-the-art personal trainer technology and sweat. Men's Health had named him the "#1 Summer Bod" last year and done an article about his ab regimen. And when he was on Sex Crib? Dude. All any of the other guys could do was ask about his workouts. His abs were stars, that's why he was wearing his shirt unbuttoned on the cover of the book.
"The line's pretty long. I don't know if I can flash my abs to everyone who asks."
She bit her lip in a practiced bit of coy. "I'll let you autograph my boob."
Sepp grinned. She was totally cute.
For her part, Madison sensed something in his hesitation and slipped out of her padded down vest and pulled her sweater off, over her head. She dropped her clothes on the floor and fumbled with the buttons on her flannel shirt.
"Do you have a camera?"
Madison's shirt opened to reveal a thermal cotton camisole. "My phone has a camera."
The bookstore employee returned with Sepp's latte just as Madison lifted her camisole, pulled down her bra, and revealed a perfect cocoa-colored breast.
"What's happening?"
"He's autographing my boob."
The bookstore employee handed Sepp his coffee. "Of course he is."
Sepp took a Sharpie and gently put his looping signature across her breast. "You have a nice body."
"Yeah?"
The bookstore employee put a hand on Madison's shoulder. "We need to keep the line moving."
"But he promised me a picture with his abs."
The bookstore employee looked at Sepp. "You did what?" "It's no big deal."
And with that, Sepp lifted his T-shirt and revealed just what all the fuss was about.
CHAPTER 2New York City
Curtis poked the olive with his finger. The little green orb bounced in the glass, floated to the surface, and then sank. The bar didn't have any craft beers so he decided he'd drink what locals drank. He was in Manhattan, the bustling home of serious people doing serious things, so he might as well have a serious drink. Curtis sucked the gin off his finger, getting a taste of something slightly medicinal mixed with grit that had accumulated under his fingernail. He recognized that this was a very good martini. At these prices it better be.
Curtis caught his reflection in the mirror behind the bar. Did he look like a writer celebrating his debut on The New York Times Best Sellers list? He had the thick glasses and rumpled hair of a writer. He wore an old checkered shirt that clashed stylishly with his skinny tie and the rust-colored corduroy sport coat he'd found in a vintage store in Bushwick. And even if he wasn't roguishly handsome, at least he was roguishly unshaven. He looked like he could be a successful writer. But really, what did it mean to make the bestseller list? Nowhere in The New York Times did it mention his name. Even if they said the book was ghostwritten, the paper of record wouldn't identify Curtis Berman as the ghostwriter of Totally Reality. Which, he realized, was maybe just as well.
He adjusted his glasses, pushing them up his nose, over the bump he got when his college girlfriend threw a German-English dictionary at him, and took a deep, anesthetizing gulp. It was too much, too strong, and he nearly gagged as the icy firewater sluiced down his throat. He spluttered and let out a gasp.
"There you are."
Curtis felt a soft hand pat him on the back and turned to see Amy, his literary agent, smiling at him.
"Hey Amy."
He tried not to sound pathetic, wanted to keep the ooze of self-pity out of his voice, but he saw from her expression that he'd failed. She plopped her oversize purse on the barstool next to him and let down her hair. She hung her denim jacket on the chair back, revealing a loose vintage dress and a mass of curls and cleavage. Curtis reminded himself not to stare at her breasts, but then he wondered if that was a biological impossibility. The male DNA is programmed to stare down dresses. He'd read that in a scientific journal.
Amy snapped him out of it. "You should be happy. You're on the list."
Curtis sighed. "Sepp Gregory is on the list."
Amy gave his arm a squeeze. "Curtis. Look. Everybody knows you wrote that book."
"Everybody in publishing."
"Those are the people who matter."
Curtis popped the olive into his mouth. "Tell that to my parents."
"Listen, Eeyore, the news gets better."
Amy signaled the bartender, pointing to the empty martini glass. "Can we get two of those?"
Curtis was curious. How could the news get better?
"What?"
Amy looked around for the hostess. "Do you want to get some dinner? I'm starving."
"Now you're teasing me."
She smiled and pulled out her iPad. "Your publisher sent these. There's clips from People, Entertainment Weekly, Newsweek, The Washington Post. They're all raves."
She flicked the screen with her finger, sending the images flashing by. She stopped on one and enlarged it. "Here. This'll cheer you up."
As the bartender strained two martinis in front of them, Curtis took the iPad and looked at the screen. He was surprised to see that the review was by the book critic of the Los Angeles Times; usually a critic of his caliber wouldn't waste his time reading a book by a celebrity. Then there was a picture of Sepp — shirt off, of course — standing with a wall of books behind him, as if he actually knew how to read, a dumbass grin plastered on his face. Curtis imagined that would be what Tarzan looked like if he ever tired of living with monkeys and sat down and wrote a bestseller.
"Maybe I need to start working out."
Amy picked up her martini and took a sip. "It couldn't hurt."
Curtis skimmed the review, until his eyes landed on this:
One of the most brutally vivid and stunningly emotional accounts of the search for the essence of humanity and the revelation of the sublime soulfulness unlocked by sexual encounters I've read in years. Joseph Conrad have you heard the news, this is a Heart of Darkness for the reality TV generation ...
Curtis reached for his martini and took another giant gulp. This time the gin burned his throat in a good way and caused his eyes to water. Amy must've thought he was getting emotional because she gave him a gentle pat on the hand. "It's good, Curtis. It's really good. Don't think I won't make this count."
He wiped his mouth on his jacket sleeve and looked at her. "How?"
"You'll see."
She chinged her glass against his.
* * *
Amy had offered to give him money for a cab, but Curtis insisted on taking the train home. He'd eaten something, some kind of grilled chop, but mostly he'd had martinis and then, to really celebrate, a glass or three of champagne. He was susceptible to car sickness when he'd been drinking and the last thing he wanted to do was vomit in a cab. So he took the train.
Although the subway seemed more blurry than usual, it was still early — only ten — and the cars were crowded. Curtis saw two people reading Totally Reality. And the other people he saw with Nooks and Kindles and Kobos and iPads and Androids? He could only assume that they were also reading Sepp's masterpiece. Curtis swelled with a confusing mix of gin-sick pride and drunken rage. He wanted to go up to them and confess that he'd written the book, that the prose that was dazzling them was his own, it was his heart and soul on the page. He wanted to tell them that Sepp Gregory couldn't spell the word "novel," much less construct a sentence. How could they doubt him? Had they watched any of those shows? But then he was struck by a different emotion — the chilling fear that people would think that he was a hack, a sellout, someone who was uncool.
He watched a young woman reading the book. She looked like an office worker, a smart one, perhaps even someone in publishing. She laughed at something on the page, some bon mot that Curtis had written. There was an expression of delight on her face that enraged him. He wanted to grab the book out of her hands and tear it into pieces.
Curtis reached for a handrail. He realized that he was unsteady, light-headed, suddenly a bit nauseous, and in no shape for a confrontation.
The train screeched into a station and he contemplated getting off and walking home, maybe stopping along the way to throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge, but who was he kidding, he wasn't in the mood for a hike, and besides, who knew how many people above ground were sitting in cafés or on park benches smiling knowingly as they clutched copies of Totally Reality. The bars were probably full of people reading excerpts out loud, sharing the brilliance of Sepp Gregory with their friends. Can you believe a reality TV star could be such a prose stylist? The dude's a genius!
He let his head droop. The weight of his gin-swollen brain too much for his aching neck.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "RAW"
by .
Copyright © 2013 Mark Haskell Smith.
Excerpted by permission of Grove Atlantic, Inc..
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