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Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In

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Advance Praise for Real Influence

Real Influence is literally going to change your life. It will vastly improve all your interactions and relationships, both professionally and personally. This book is the ‘secret sauce’ to optimal influence—and an absolute must-read.”

David T. Feinberg, MD, MBA, President, UCLA Health System

“The most insightful book I’ve read in years. Simple to read, easy to understand, yet delivers a powerful, compelling...

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Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In

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Advance Praise for Real Influence

Real Influence is literally going to change your life. It will vastly improve all your interactions and relationships, both professionally and personally. This book is the ‘secret sauce’ to optimal influence—and an absolute must-read.”

David T. Feinberg, MD, MBA, President, UCLA Health System

“The most insightful book I’ve read in years. Simple to read, easy to understand, yet delivers a powerful, compelling message about how to be more effective at work and throughout life.”

— Bob Eckert, former CEO and Chairman, Mattel

“I love this book because of how much it influenced me.”

Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Management, USC, and author, On Becoming a Leader and Still Surprised

Real Influence is just what you need, whether you want to influence a boss, a peer, a subordinate, your spouse, your parent, or your kid. It is the antidote to the push-back you get from people whenever they perceive you as being too pushy.”

Marshall Goldsmith, author, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There

“Today’s fast-paced, hectic world finds most people pulled in different directions at once, and the last thing they want is to be pushed. In Real Influence Goulston and Ullmen offer you the ultimate formula for influencing in a way that people trust. If he were still with us, Dale Carnegie would likely smile and nod in agreement that this book offers one of the absolute best ways to ‘make friends and influence people.’”

Ivan Misner, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author and founder of BNI®

“With deep insights from an array of industries and fields, Goulston and Ullmen lay out a terrific roadmap to making significant, positive impacts on one’s organization, personal life, and society.”

Amir Dan Rubin, President and CEO, Stanford Hospital & Clinics

“With a wealth of relevant research, compelling examples, and straightforward, action­able tactics and advice, Goulston and Ullmen have created an incredibly valuable resource for improving one’s ability to influence and positively impact others. This book isn’t just good for your business, it’s good for your life!”

Heidi Roizen, Venture Partner, Draper Fisher Jurvetson; and Entrepreneurship Educator, Stanford University

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

"[Real Influence] offers a full course banquet of fresh ideas for the price of a modest dinner." --Inland Empire Business Journal

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780814420157
  • Publisher: AMACOM
  • Publication date: 1/2/2013
  • Pages: 272
  • Sales rank: 231,939
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 9.10 (h) x 0.90 (d)

Meet the Author

MARK GOULSTON, M.D., is a business psychiatrist, consultant, Chairman and Co-Founder of Heartfelt Leadership and the author of Just Listen, Get Out of Your Own Way, and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. He writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in major media including The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News. He lives in Los Angeles.

JOHN ULLMEN, PH.D., is an acclaimed executive coach whose clients include dozens of leading international firms. He oversees, conducts popular feedback-based seminars on influence in organizations, and teaches at the UCLA Anderson School of Management.

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Read an Excerpt


Are you frustrated because you fail to get people to buy into your

great ideas, can’t close the deal on tough sales, or constantly hit

the wall when you try to influence people?

If so, you’re not alone. As executive coaches, we know that it’s

harder than ever to influence people because the old rules of per-

suasion no longer work.

Today, we live in a postselling and postpushing world. As people

grow more aware of manipulative tactics, their guard goes up. The

Internet, television advertising, and wall-to-wall marketing have

made us cynical about deceptive tricks and hard-sell approaches.

Your customers, your coworkers, and even your kids can all recog-

nize “pushy” influence . . . and when you use it, they’ll push back

twice as hard.

Yet most of the books and business school courses that teach

persuasion skills emphasize manipulative tactics and techniques.

They conceive of influence as something that you “do” to some-

one else to get your way. And they focus on short-term gains

rather than long-term consequences.

We call this outdated strategy disconnected influence. It’s a short-

sighted strategy that sometimes creates momentary “buy-in” but

often at the expense of your relationships and reputation. And it

keeps you from making the deep, transformational connections

that lead to great outcomes in your career and in your life.

To influence people in powerful ways that can change your future,

you need to move from disconnected to connected influence.

When you make this transition, you’ll set the stage for strong, sus-

tained influence by becoming the kind of person other people are

eager to follow. These people won’t just agree to support you.

They’ll line up to champion your causes, and they’ll have your back

whenever you need their help.

In this book, we’ve distilled the elements of connected influence

into a simple four-step model for becoming wildly successful by

being both influential and “influenceable.” We’ve helped thousands

of people master these four steps—and in the process, we’ve em-

powered them to save their companies, increase their sales, achieve

business goals they thought were impossible, and take their personal

relationships to an entirely new level.

But this book isn’t just about our own experiences. In addition,

we’ve interviewed more than one hundred remarkable influencers

who are putting these same steps into action in their own lives.

These people are using their powers of persuasion to change the

world every day. They head international corporations, raise millions

for charities, help kids with cancer, and work to save the planet. They

personify success, and their stories illustrate the astonishing power

of connected influence.

As you read these stories, here is what we want you to remember:

No matter who you are and where you are in life, you can do

what these people have done. In fact, the most powerful lesson the

stories in this book illustrate is that anyone can positively influence

anyone else, regardless of their differences in experience, status,

age, income, or power. The people we talked with didn’t start out with

powerful connections, but they knew how to earn these connections

and how to solidify and expand them. Their message is that there is

no need—ever—to set limits in your influence potential. When you

master the steps we outline in this book, you can influence anyone,

even someone who “has it all.”

This book won’t tell you what you can accomplish by tricking

people, manipulating them, or stepping on them. Instead, it will

teach you how to be the kind of influencer that you and the people

in your life want you to be. That’s because as you build deeper rela-

tionships, you’ll drive stronger results. And when you approach rela-

tionships by thinking about giving rather than getting, and about

adding value before seeking value, you’ll be amazed at the return

you see on your investment.

When you put the ideas in this book to work in your own life,

you’ll learn what all the masters of influence in this book know.

Connected infl uence pays off—and it pays forward. Connected in-

fluence multiplies, and as it multiplies, it leads to amazing outcomes.

Here's to yours.

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Table of Contents


Foreword by Keith Ferrazzi ix

Introduction 1

SECTION 1 The Problem: Why Are You Struggling to Influence People? 5

1 The Dangers of “Disconnect” 7

2 Four Traps That “Disconnect” You 18

3 The Four Steps to Connecting and Influencing 33

SECTION 2 STEP #1 Go for Great Outcomes 41

4 The First “R”: Go for a Great Result 43

5 The Second “R”: Go for a Great Reputation 52

6 The Third “R”: Go for Great Relationships 66

SECTION 3 STEP #2 Listen Past Your Blind Spot 81

7 To Discover Their There, Listen to the Music 83

8 Master Level-Four Listening 91

9 To Influence, Be Influenceable 107

SECTION 4 STEP #3 Engage Them in Their There 119

10 Use the Three Gets of Engage 121

11 Push Their Buttons— Positively 135

12 Engage Across Cultures 144

SECTION 5 STEP #4 When You’ve Done Enough . . . Do More 155

13 Do More Before, During, and After 157

14 Do More in All Three Value Channels 171

15 Ask Other People to Do More 183

SECTION 6 Taking Real Influence to the Next Level 191

16 Let Adversity Lead You to Great Outcomes 193

17 Influence by Getting Out of the Way 203

18 Influence Positively After You’ve Made Big Mistakes 210

19 Let Gratitude Magnify Your Influence 219

SECTION 7 Putting It All Together 227

20 Case Study #1—A Fuzzy Rescue 229

21 Case Study #2—Everything Matters 234

22 Case Study #3—Poised for Life 237

23 Case Study #4—Taming a Temperamental Group 241

Epilogue 245

Acknowledgments 247

Index 251

About the Authors 259

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Customer Reviews

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Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews
  • Posted April 4, 2013

    In a world of sound bites, instant gratification and speed datin

    In a world of sound bites, instant gratification and speed dating, this book is a breath of fresh air. The book helped to immediately change my filters and behavior for the better. The book is pleasure to read with real examples that articulate and illustrate every key point. Regardless of your background this book will help. It changed my perspective from the quick win to the long view, helped to reinforce the importance of relationships and transformed my interaction with others via better listening skills. Just a great book, read it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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