Read an Excerpt
Real Ultimate PowerThe Official Ninja Book
By Robert Hamburger
Chapter OneHave you ever been so pumped that you want to completely flip out? I mean like really really flip out. People get pumped about all sorts of things: sports, pets, making out, or motorcycles. Do you want to know what gets me pumped? Ninjas. Ninjas are so sweet, I want to crap my pants.
When I wake up in the morning, I lay in bed for a few hours and practice kicking and punching with my feet and arms. (Don't worry, homey, I'm only practicing.) After that, I go eat breakfast with Mom, like eggs and toast and stuff. Then I go nuts: I throw towels, scream at birds, and spit on the carpet. And THEN after all that, my dog Francine and I dress up like ninjas and make forts and fight and French and flip out all day.
You see, I love ninjas so much it hurts, and that's why I made this book about them. I don't know if there are even ninjas anymore, but sometimes I think that there must be, because of the feeling inside me. My parents fight. Just imagine being a ninja. You could kill anybody you want. And I mean ANYBODY! These guys are sooooo sweet. And do you know why? They flip out and kill people for no reason at all. That's awesome! Do you know of anybody else who can do that? Probably not. Your dad couldn't even kill people just because he wanted to. He would go to jail in a second. But ninjas ... yeah, right! There's no way you couldput them in jail. Ninjas are unstoppable and charming. Pirates and Vikings are cool, but they don't go nuts like ninjas. And ninjas have magical powers, too. They can fly. Every human being on the face of the planet wants to fly, and ninjas have been doing it since day one. DAY ONE! And that's a fact. Some ninjas have the power to bio-slime people. It may sound disgusting, but trust me, it's pretty sweet.
I am not attracted to ninjas, personally. But sometimes when I'm lying in the backyard and I'm thinking about ninjas for more than an hour, I pop a boner. Sometimes they're small, but sometimes they're humongous. Mom caught me one time when this happened. She said, "What the heck is going on? What are you doing?" And she chased me around the yard with a rake. When she caught me, she made me lay on my stomach and she stepped on my butt. Mom's pretty big, so it went away real fast. But when she stopped and it came back even bigger, I knew that ninjas were special. These guys are totally sweet. Everyday I ask my mom if I can take karate. I say, "Hey Mom, can I take karate?" And she says, "No way! You'll hurt someone." So we compromised on yoga-I start next year. But who cares, I don't need karate-I express myself by screaming and imagining stories about ninjas.
I guess I just want to tell the people of the Earth about something totally sweet. I have felt this way all my life. My name is Robert, and this is my book about the coolest guys to ever flip out.
Getting Started: Why Ninjas?
You might be asking yourself why you should learn about ninjas when there are so many other things to learn about. Personally, I don't understand that question. Ninjas are so awesome. And in case you've been stuck in the house for the past ten years, ninjas are deadly assassins. For example, they would dress up like a salesman to get into your house and, while they're pretending to sell you something, they would look for holes and cracks to climb into. So then, at night, they would come back and murder you. Most ninjas are in Asian countries, but you can find them just about anywhere. Ninjas have weapons, like ninja stars and the ninja sword.
Ninjas can kill anyone they want! They cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it! These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon, the ninja killed the whole town. And my friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window. And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power, you better get a life right now or they will chop off your head off!!! It's any easy choice, if you ask me. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, talented, powerful, and sweet. I love them with all of my body, including my pee-pee.
Who are these guys and what's their problem?
A famous warrior won a bunch of battles. He won so many that he started thinking he was too cool to hang out with his old buddies. But one day a hippo bit his shoulder and the warrior needed a simple antidote. So he called everybody he knew, but they were all busy having fun with their dog and everything. So nobody was around to wipe his poor, poor baby butt. Too bad, little baby! Too bad. - Ancient Chinese Fable
If you were to ask someone six months ago what they thought ninjas were, they'd probably say, "Excuse me, Ninjas? Who cares! Get out of my way-my fucking soaps are on!" Unfortunately, today isn't much different. Most Westerners don't know much about them. There are even stories that ninjas are descended from monsters or demons, but only a baby would believe that. Ninjas came from vaginas, just like everybody else. In this section of my book, I'm going to start out with the basics-who they are, what they do, and other stuff. And then I'll help you to understand total sweetness and appreciate what ninjas have to offer. And later, we'll get into the more complicated stuff, like their history, how to be friends with one, or even how to become one. But first we need to get pumped.
Excerpted from Real Ultimate Power by Robert Hamburger Excerpted by permission.
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