Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780806525693
  • Publisher: Kensington Publishing Corporation
  • Publication date: 7/1/2004
  • Pages: 160
  • Sales rank: 228,614
  • Product dimensions: 8.24 (w) x 7.16 (h) x 0.62 (d)
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More About This Book

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780806525693
  • Publisher: Kensington Publishing Corporation
  • Publication date: 7/1/2004
  • Pages: 160
  • Sales rank: 228,614
  • Product dimensions: 8.24 (w) x 7.16 (h) x 0.62 (d)

First Chapter

Real Ultimate Power

The Official Ninja Book
By Robert Hamburger

Citadel

ISBN: 0-8065-2569-X

Chapter One

Have you ever been so pumped that you want to completely flip out? I mean like really really flip out. People get pumped about all sorts of things: sports, pets, making out, or motorcycles. Do you want to know what gets me pumped? Ninjas. Ninjas are so sweet, I want to crap my pants.

When I wake up in the morning, I lay in bed for a few hours and practice kicking and punching with my feet and arms. (Don't worry, homey, I'm only practicing.) After that, I go eat breakfast with Mom, like eggs and toast and stuff. Then I go nuts: I throw towels, scream at birds, and spit on the carpet. And THEN after all that, my dog Francine and I dress up like ninjas and make forts and fight and French and flip out all day.

You see, I love ninjas so much it hurts, and that's why I made this book about them. I don't know if there are even ninjas anymore, but sometimes I think that there must be, because of the feeling inside me. My parents fight. Just imagine being a ninja. You could kill anybody you want. And I mean ANYBODY! These guys are sooooo sweet. And do you know why? They flip out and kill people for no reason at all. That's awesome! Do you know of anybody else who can do that? Probably not. Your dad couldn't even kill people just because he wanted to. He would go to jail in a second. But ninjas ... yeah, right! There's no way you couldput them in jail. Ninjas are unstoppable and charming. Pirates and Vikings are cool, but they don't go nuts like ninjas. And ninjas have magical powers, too. They can fly. Every human being on the face of the planet wants to fly, and ninjas have been doing it since day one. DAY ONE! And that's a fact. Some ninjas have the power to bio-slime people. It may sound disgusting, but trust me, it's pretty sweet.

I am not attracted to ninjas, personally. But sometimes when I'm lying in the backyard and I'm thinking about ninjas for more than an hour, I pop a boner. Sometimes they're small, but sometimes they're humongous. Mom caught me one time when this happened. She said, "What the heck is going on? What are you doing?" And she chased me around the yard with a rake. When she caught me, she made me lay on my stomach and she stepped on my butt. Mom's pretty big, so it went away real fast. But when she stopped and it came back even bigger, I knew that ninjas were special. These guys are totally sweet. Everyday I ask my mom if I can take karate. I say, "Hey Mom, can I take karate?" And she says, "No way! You'll hurt someone." So we compromised on yoga-I start next year. But who cares, I don't need karate-I express myself by screaming and imagining stories about ninjas.

I guess I just want to tell the people of the Earth about something totally sweet. I have felt this way all my life. My name is Robert, and this is my book about the coolest guys to ever flip out.

Getting Started: Why Ninjas?

You might be asking yourself why you should learn about ninjas when there are so many other things to learn about. Personally, I don't understand that question. Ninjas are so awesome. And in case you've been stuck in the house for the past ten years, ninjas are deadly assassins. For example, they would dress up like a salesman to get into your house and, while they're pretending to sell you something, they would look for holes and cracks to climb into. So then, at night, they would come back and murder you. Most ninjas are in Asian countries, but you can find them just about anywhere. Ninjas have weapons, like ninja stars and the ninja sword.

Ninjas can kill anyone they want! They cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it! These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon, the ninja killed the whole town. And my friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window. And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power, you better get a life right now or they will chop off your head off!!! It's any easy choice, if you ask me. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, talented, powerful, and sweet. I love them with all of my body, including my pee-pee.

Who are these guys and what's their problem?

A famous warrior won a bunch of battles. He won so many that he started thinking he was too cool to hang out with his old buddies. But one day a hippo bit his shoulder and the warrior needed a simple antidote. So he called everybody he knew, but they were all busy having fun with their dog and everything. So nobody was around to wipe his poor, poor baby butt. Too bad, little baby! Too bad. - Ancient Chinese Fable

If you were to ask someone six months ago what they thought ninjas were, they'd probably say, "Excuse me, Ninjas? Who cares! Get out of my way-my fucking soaps are on!" Unfortunately, today isn't much different. Most Westerners don't know much about them. There are even stories that ninjas are descended from monsters or demons, but only a baby would believe that. Ninjas came from vaginas, just like everybody else. In this section of my book, I'm going to start out with the basics-who they are, what they do, and other stuff. And then I'll help you to understand total sweetness and appreciate what ninjas have to offer. And later, we'll get into the more complicated stuff, like their history, how to be friends with one, or even how to become one. But first we need to get pumped.

(Continues...)


Excerpted from Real Ultimate Power by Robert Hamburger Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Sort by: Showing all of 11 Customer Reviews

  • Posted May 28, 2009

    Hysterical!

    This book is like having the whacky over-active imagination kid on your block talking to you. And in some cases, it rings true to that kid in all of us. Definitely a great read for zany, mindless humor. It's like "War and Peace" for kids that light ants on fire with magnifying glasses.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 18, 2008

    A fitting combination of adolescence and ninjas

    If you want to see ninjas through the perspective of an obsessed thirteen year old boy, this book is a gem. That said, this book is not for children. If you want a book with abrupt construction that is surprisingly in depth, this is a good read.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  NoThank you for your feedback.   Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.

  • Anonymous

    Posted April 12, 2005

    There are like a fifty majigiyigidnkdsillion ninjas on their way to Ninjaslayer's house/box.

    This book rocked. It was hilarious, and it made me realize how much I can relate with ninjas. Y'know - without the head chopping offing and stuff. It's a hilarious read, but I still can't find anything on the author....

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 10, 2005

    Ninjas are So Freaking Sweet That I Wanna Crap My Pants!!!

    This book is freakin sweet! I loved it since i am a true ninja deriving from the Bufukan Ninpo Bujutsu Dojo. Me and other fellow ninjas from there formed a group on facebook.com called 'Ninjas are So Freaking Sweet That I Wanna Crap My Pants!!!' where all ninjas from the Bufukan Ninpo Bujutsu Dojo can unite & stand side by side! I have loved learning the ninja ways and hating and killing dirty pirates! Ninjas hate pirates, kittens, and dolphins, but are unlimate allies with hippos and Leperchuns! We can also fly anytime we want, but prefer to drive Tahoe's! We always freakin flip out and kill things!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  NoThank you for your feedback.   Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.

  • Anonymous

    Posted February 16, 2005

    Robert Hamburger has 72 hours to Live

    Hamburger should consider himself hunted. This book is ridiculous and pirates around the world are severely gearing up for a massive beat down as I type this. I would have gave him a skull and crossbones instead of a star if I could but for now just know that me and my fellow pirates got about 36 hundred thousand lasers to blast him with.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 30, 2005

    Ninjaslayer has about two seconds to live

    This book is flippin' sweet! Ninjas can't be killed by pirates! All pirates have are numbers and stupid looking swords and stuff. Ninjas have stealth and cool swords and extreme guitar wailing skills.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 28, 2004

    Ninjas Are Cool!!!!

    This Book Is Totally Sweet!!! It made me laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe for about 10 - 30 seconds. I reccomend this book to anybody whos looking for a book thats hilarious. Oh Yeah.......NINJAS RULE!!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 26, 2004

    Hilarious!

    If you are looking for a *real* Ninja book with thoughtful, useful (legitimate)information- this book is NOT for you!!! This book is hilarious, and is NOT to be taken seriously. I don't think it would be appropriate as a 'Children's book,' even though it was written with the perspective of an 8 year old boy. It's an easy read with funny pictures and comments everywhere, including 'don't try these at home.' If you want more information regarding this book, I suggest going to Barnes and Noble and taking a look at it yourself, since there is no description available online yet.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 4, 2004

    Ninja!

    This is an excellent book, the real ultimate power is the actual ultimate power forseen by sages all over the universe of the PDRDS Galaxy. This is great, thanks for writing it!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 28, 2004

    this is totally sweet

    this is the best book i ever read. probably cause im a ninja too.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 15, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

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