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Raising a child is tough as it is, but raising a kid who's recovering from addiction requires a whole new set of tools. The fact is that getting your family well again will likely require a new form of parenting. In his groundbreaking book Recovering My Kid, Dr. Joseph Lee, the medical director for Hazelden's youth services, takes worried, confused, and angry parents by the hand and teaches them how to create a culture of essential support, appropriate boundaries, and emotional objectivity. His goal is to give parents like you the confidence to lead their child and family through the healing process and adjust to a clean-and-sober life.
In his honest and straightforward style, Lee explains the difficult concepts of addiction, treatment, and recovery, and describes what the recovering loved one is going through in a meaningful way that family members can understand. He then addresses parents' most pressing questions and fears: How has addiction affected my child and our family? What happens when my child returns home from treatment? How can my family support his or her recovery? What if my child relapses? How can my family get well again?
Preface
Out of Love for Our Children
Nothing makes parents’ hearts sink faster than the thought of their child suffering. And addiction is a uniquely dark and deep form of suffering. Over years of addiction, families are worn down, trust is lost, and relationships are strained. No logic or science can adequately explain how the disease mutates the afflicted, how they no longer resemble the loved ones who once seemed so familiar. All too often, this is the tragic lens through which society views the young who lose their way. But that is a book and a story for another time. This book is about something much more hopeful. In medicine, I have been a humble witness to humanity’s enormous capacity for compassion and sacrifice. Whether on an oncology unit or on a psychiatric floor, I have rarely experienced a virtue more profoundly awe-inspiring than the love that parents have for their children. (A child’s love for a parent, on the other hand, can be surprisingly conditional.) The lengths to which families will go to help their children give me faith, at least momentarily, in a greater potential for all of us. Of course, it is delusional not to take note of the strife that accompanies young people in treatment for addiction. Often they are irritable, physically worn, resistant, and lashing out at the world. It can be hard to maintain a sense of emotional objectivity when working with this group. With all of that in mind, however, we need to make a point to see more than the disease in these youth. When we relate to young addicts at Hazelden, we also remember the wonderment and promise they possessed as small children. We envision them on their first day of school. We remember the thrill of their most memorable achievements and the nostalgic times spent in the company of loved ones. In them lie the collective hopes and dreams of generations past that spark so haltingly now—and the yearning of families to see those dreams rekindled once more. Our children are our greatest treasures. There is nothing of greater value, nobody for whom we’d sacrifice more. We recognize and celebrate their changes and their maturity from adolescence into young adulthood. And yet our children always remain our children—not because we are naïve, but because we see them through this beautiful capacity for unconditional love. It is in this spirit that I want to connect with you, the reader, in helping those most precious to us.
Preface: Out of Love for Our Children ix
Acknowledgments xi
Introduction: The Culture of Families xiii
Part 1 Frameworks for Emotional Objectivity
Chapter 1 The Pendulum and the Case for Emotional Objectivity 3
Chapter 2 Happiness-Is That All There Is? 7
Chapter 3 The Roles We Play for One Another 13
Chapter 4 You're Not the Buddha-Understanding Your Emotions 17
Chapter 5 A Fortune Cookie a Day; or, Emotions Matter More Than Logic 21
Chapter 6 Checking In with Your Emotions Is Like Taking Out the Trash 27
Chapter 7 One Dollar a Day-Your Emotional Budget 35
Chapter 8 The Difference between Knowing and Accepting 39
Chapter 9 "I Told You Not to Put Ketchup on My Fries"- the Importance of Setting Boundaries 43
Chapter 10 Codependency, Dependency, Trees, and Vines 47
Part 2 Frameworks for Leadership
Chapter 11 Your House Is Not a Democracy 53
Chapter 12 If Your House Is Not a Democracy, Then What Is It? 59
Chapter 13 Don't Rewrite the Constitution-Setting Clear Expectations 67
Chapter 14 Exit the Boxing Ring-the Top Signs of Power Struggles and How to Avoid Them 71
Chapter 15 Present Your Child with a United Front 75
Chapter 16 The Danger of Bleeding Emotions 79
Chapter 17 Investing for the Long Term-Preparing for the Ups and Downs of Recovery 83
Chapter 18 More on Boundaries: The Under-Invested and Over-Invested Parent 87
Chapter 19 Do I Kick My Kid Out of the House? Your Values Are Your Bottom Line 93
Chapter 20 Extinction Burst and the Case for Consistency 97
Chapter 21 Comparisons Are Odious; or, It's Okay That Your Family Is Different 101
Chapter 22 Motivate Your Child with the Bullshit Scale 105
Part 3 Frameworks for Understanding Mental Health
Chapter 23 Understanding Mental Health Issues in the Context of Addiction-Which Comes First? 111
Chapter 24 Basic Facts about the Developing Brain; or, Why Teens Can Have Good Logic and Poor Judgment 115
Chapter 25 Your Child Does Not Fit into a Bin-Keeping Diagnoses in Perspective 121
Chapter 26 Disease Process + Personal Factors = Holistic Care 127
Chapter 27 Attribution in Mental Health Treatment 133
Chapter 28 Symbolism in Mental Health Treatment 141
Chapter 29 Drags Are Not Just Drugs-Attribution and Symbolism Regarding Medication 145
Chapter 30 Medications Don't Punch Back-Keeping Fair Expectations for Treatment 149
Chapter 31 Medication versus Other Treatments-Why the Conflict? 155
Chapter 32 The "Chicken or the Egg" Dilemma-Giving Up the Desire for a Linear Story Line 159
Chapter 33 Going Beyond Split Attribution-the Power of And Statements 165
Chapter 34 The Potential Perils of Digging Up the Past 169
Chapter 35 Trauma Can Become a Trump Card 175
Chapter 36 When Admissions Are Too Much to Take 179
Chapter 37 The Difference between Personality and Character 183
Chapter 38 Let's Talk about Personality 187
Chapter 39 Balancing "Nature" and "Nurture" in Personality 191
Chapter 40 The Difference between Guilt and Shame 195
Chapter 41 Emotional Hyperalgesia: When Depression Isn't Depression and Anxiety Isn't Anxiety 199
Chapter 42 Looks Like "Whac-A-Mole" to Me-Conservation of Energy in Addiction 203
Chapter 43 For Whom the Bell Tolls, It Tolls for Those with ADHD 207
Chapter 44 Sobriety Is Not a Ticket to Nirvana 215
Chapter 45 Hope for Change 219
About the Author 223
Overview
Raising a child is tough as it is, but raising a kid who's recovering from addiction requires a whole new set of tools. The fact is that getting your family well again will likely require a new form of parenting. In his groundbreaking book Recovering My Kid, Dr. Joseph Lee, the medical director for Hazelden's youth services, takes worried, confused, and angry parents by the hand and teaches them how to create a culture of essential support, appropriate boundaries, and emotional objectivity. His goal is to give ...