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• Bob Witfong recalls being hired as a correspondent by The Daily Show but never called in to work; then being fired by mistake; then going on air and called “creepy” by bloggers; and then actually being fired.
• Meredith Hoffa has her pubescent crush destroyed by a new haircut modeled on Mary Stuart Masterson’s in Some Kind of Wonderful just when “the size of my face and body had caught up to the gigantic size of my teeth.”
• Joel Stein (celebrity interviewer for Time) receives an earful from Buddy Hackett who, before slamming down the phone, says: “You’re being kind of, what do you call it, I don’t know, those wise-guy papers? Tabloids.”
• Dave Hill offers his piece for a British “lad” mag in which he went undercover with a police vice squad, an article killed because he didn’t go “far enough” with a transvestite prostitute.
• Jackie Cohen fails her audition for the synagogue choir–at age five.
• And many more too painful to mention.
Featuring essays, jokes, sketches, cartoons, and articles passed on by venues as varied as Saturday Night Live and Reader’s Digest, Rejected is a priceless compilation that reminds us it’s a-okay to be a big loser.
Praise for Rejected
"In this comic anthology of short essays, rejection veteran Friedman (creator of popular New York reading series "The Rejection Show") brings together a double-handful of writers and comics (Michael Ian Black, Neal Pollack, Mandy Stadtmiller, David Rees, Tom McCaffrey, Kristen Schaal) to share rejected work and their thoughts on it. The criterion for entry is an unpublished piece that has been rejected at least once; rejecting parties range from the New Yorker to television's Saturday Night Live to the perfect boyfriend to the suddenly silent agent. Entries include sketches abandoned by members of TV's The State to spectacular bachelor party failures to small, triumphant moments of rejection rejection (for one actress, hope makes a comeback at the local Pottery Barn).The overall quality of the work is remarkable; Friedman allows his writers immense latitude in style and substance while keeping his theme front and center. Though a bit New York-centric, the collection has something for everyone, laughs on just about every page, and an ultimately uplifting spirit; if every rejection is an opportunity, then the chance to be a part of this fine, funny collaboration was probably worth it—especially for readers. --Publisher's Weekly
“No one has ever made being a reject this funny! If you read only one book this year about being a total loser, make it this one.”
–Lizz Winstead, founding member of Air America Radio and co-creator of The Daily Show
“This book shows that we are truly living in bizarro world where the rejected should be the accepted and the accepted should be . . . anyway, this is an awesome and wonderfully comedic book.”
–Jonathan Ames, author of The Alcoholic
“I’d like to thank the contributors for their humiliation, pain and suffering, because it sure makes for a funny book.”
–A.J. Jacobs, author of The Year of Living Biblically
Adult/High School
Reveling in failure is the order of the day in this collection of essays. Some pieces are about relationships, as in Sarah Schaefer's "Jared," which describes a love affair and traumatizing breakup, conducted strictly via 11th-grade note writing. Others involve poor career choices, such as Kristen Schaal's account of time spent as a lackluster pink-haired, pink-sunglasses-wearing Miss Peppermint Twist in the F.A.O. Schwartz Sweet Shop. And many of the contributors describe creative endeavors that for one reason or another didn't quite make the cut. These are the meat of the collection, as a who's who in comedy share the work they forced themselves to do to make ends meet, thought they could pull off for easy cash, wasn't timely enough, or wasn't funny. Members of The Kids in the Hall get booed off stage and fistfight on, and writers from SNL's Weekend Update, The State , and The Onion , among many others, share snicker-inducing bits that perished in production or under an editor's red pen. For the mass amount of denial found here, Rejected is surprisingly lighthearted and inspiring. There's something satisfying in unearthing seriously cringe-worthy work or memories of some of the best and the brightest in comedy. There's also relief in realizing that some quality endeavors were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Teens will check out this one for its star contributors and their humor, and appreciate it for its realism and sincerity.-Shannon Peterson, Kitsap Regional Library, WA
Introduction Jon Friedman Friedman, Jon
It Takes a Village Ophira Eisenberg Eisenberg, Ophira 3
A Tale of Rejection from The Daily Show (and Its Fans) Bob Wiltfong Wiltfong, Bob 13
Blue Tongues Mandy Stadtmiller Stadtmiller, Mandy 19
Rejected Sketches from The State David Wain Wain, David Michael Ian Black Black, Michael Ian 24
The Nature of My Universe As It Relates to Kevin Spacey Adrianne Frost Frost, Adrianne 35
Cleveland Vice Dave Hill Hill, Dave 43
Rejected Jokes from SNL's "Weekend Update" Jane Borden Borden, Jane 50
The El Mocambo Bomb Kevin McDonald McDonald, Kevin 57
A Little Bad Meredith Hoffa Hoffa, Meredith 61
Gorilla Cartooning Todd "Odd Todd" Rosenberg Rosenberg, Todd "Odd Todd" 68
Handsome Lianne Stokes Stokes, Lianne 75
Losing It Michael Colton Colton, Michael 80
Letterman or Conan Wendy Spero Spero, Wendy 85
Sketch Packets Andres du Bouchet Bouchet, Andres du 90
Jared Sara Schaefer Schaefer, Sara 98
Stephen Colbert Law & Order Fan Fiction Rob Klein Klein, Rob 103
A Funny Kind of Marxist Jordan Roter Roter, Jordan 106
You Are the Most Obnoxious Person Alive Peter Hyman Hyman, Peter 100
Regarding Our Last-Minute Decision to Pull Vladimir Putin from the 2006 Sexiest Man Alive Issue Ellie Kemper Kemper, Ellie 116
Spill of Heaven, Aisle Seven Luis Amate Perez Perez, Luis Amate 119
Rejections from The Onion Janet Ginsburg Ginsburg, Janet 124
Worst Man Todd Levin Levin, Todd 127
What Makes People Laugh? Carl Arnheiter Arnheiter, Carl Jon Stewart Stewart, Jon 133
Universal Disdain, Hoffnung einer Frau Annabelle Gurwitch Gurwitch, Annabelle 138
Easy Money Michael Schulman Schulman, Michael 144
Welcome to the Centaur Rodeo and MyFemale Protagonist Sam Means Means, Sam 147
What a Catch Katina Corrao Corrao, Katina 154
Fly Kate Flannery Flannery, Kate 157
Hackett Q&A Joel Stein Stein, Joel 159
Brother Elk Neal Pollack Pollack, Neal 164
No! The New Gary Numan Matt Besser Besser, Matt 177
Ms. Peppermint Twist Kristen Schaal Schaal, Kristen 181
Liarhead Mike Albo Albo, Mike 185
Swim Team 1996 Elizabeth Laime Laime, Elizabeth 189
You Are Only in Charge Until They Impeach You Scott Keneally Keneally, Scott 192
Say My Name David Rees Rees, David 198
Moby Dick Jen Kirkman Jen, Kirkman 206
The Lifestyle Jeremy Deutchman Deutchman, Jeremy 211
Cantor D. Jackie Cohen Cohen, Jackie 217
Pseudo Phone Sex with a Comedy Central Executive Tom McCaffrey McCaffrey, Tom 222
Factors Not Taken into Account When Decorating Pizzeria Walls Liberally with Autographed Headshots in the 1980s Liz Koe Koe, Liz 225
Various Early Rejections Colin Jost Jost, Colin 232
The Eviction Jacqueline Lalley Lalley, Jacqueline 236
Cartoon Limbo Lewis Matheney Matheney, Lewis 240
Overview
Besides being born and dying, the most common human experience is being rejected–dissed, dumped on, or downsized–by lovers, parents, and employers. Now here’s a hilarious collection of rejection stories–and rejected works–by some of today’s most accomplished comic writers and performers (some world famous) sharing their pieces that were ripped to pieces and their own experiences of being handed their hats, heads, and hearts on a platter.• Bob Witfong recalls being hired as a correspondent by The Daily Show but never called in to work; then being fired by mistake; then going on air and called “creepy” by bloggers; and then actually being fired.
• Meredith Hoffa has her pubescent crush destroyed by a new haircut modeled on ...