Remind Me Again Why I Need A Man

Remind Me Again Why I Need A Man

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by Claudia Carroll
     
 

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Amelia Lockwood doesn't mean to sound greedy. She's got a fabulous career in television, a posh apartment, and four fiercely loyal and wickedly funny friends. The only thing she's missing is a husband. So she swallows her pride, signs up for dating boot camp, and enlists the help of a professional—an acidic New Yorker with a black belt in "tongue

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Overview

Amelia Lockwood doesn't mean to sound greedy. She's got a fabulous career in television, a posh apartment, and four fiercely loyal and wickedly funny friends. The only thing she's missing is a husband. So she swallows her pride, signs up for dating boot camp, and enlists the help of a professional—an acidic New Yorker with a black belt in "tongue fu"—who'll help Amelia apply proven business-marketing principles to finding her dream man. Amelia's first assignment is to track down all the lovers she's ever lost—from the guy who dumped her during Live Aid to her most painfully recent ex, he-whose-name-shall-forever-remain-unspoken—because her future happiness depends on her tackling lesson number one: If you can't learn from your past, how will you ever move forward?

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780061873713
Publisher:
HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
10/13/2009
Sold by:
HARPERCOLLINS
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
384
Sales rank:
1,056,356
File size:
602 KB

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Remind Me Again Why I Need A Man

Chapter One

The Lovely Girls Club

I work as a deputy producer on a soap opera and often think that if this job came with a catchphrase, it would be, quite simply:

"I hate actors!!!!"

Well . . . I should say more correctly, all actors except my darling friend Jamie French (and honorary Lovely Girl), who I'm meeting later on tonight.

At the moment, while resting between acting jobs, Jamie's working as a waiter at Nosh, a hip, protein-only celebrity restaurant in the heart of Dublin's Temple Bar. Although, according to him, they only call it a celebrity restaurant because Enya once had a coffee there. There was also a rumor that Bono went in once looking for directions, but it turned out to be just a look-alike. Anyway, it's Nosh's first birthday party tonight, and me and the other Lovely Girls are all going along. Now, I use the term girls in the loosest sense, as we're all well into our late thirties, but none of us are quite ready to graduate and start classifying ourselves as "women." At least, not just yet.

Okay. Lovely Girl number one is Caroline, who is easily and effortlessly the loveliest one of the lot of us. (Although, admittedly, there's not much contest there.) Caroline is stunning, she's amazing, she's just fab. When I grow up, I want to be her. She's my oldest and closest pal, ever since we first met at primary school, when we were both cast as angels in the school nativity play. One hundred percent pure typecasting in her case.

Two things about Caroline: (A) She's led little short of a charmed life, and (B) in all the years I'veknown her, she has not once, never, ever been in a bad mood.

Gorgeous (the image of the blond one in Abba) as well as smart, she modeled professionally for a bit after college and then did what we're all supposed to do—got married to her steady, lovely boyfriend Mike (six foot four, a dentist, a rugby player, and a general all-round lovely guy) and became the perfect yummy mummy with her two perfect, straight-out-of-a-Mothercare-catalog babies. They're very rich, outrageously happy, and you couldn't even hold it against them. They're both just too nice.

And then, drum roll, da da daaaaaaaaaa, finally there's Rachel. Or Joan Collins, as we've nicknamed her. The reason being that, although she's the same age as the rest of us, Rachel has already had two husbands. I'm not kidding. Number one was Parisian, a very cool-looking architect she met way back when we were all in college together. They led an über-sophisticated life in a loft apartment on the West Bank, with Rachel point-blank refusing to marry him on the grounds that living together annoyed her mother more.

Now this is where is gets complicated. There's something I need to tell you about our Rachel, a kind of running gag among us, which I should explain.

We call it the lethal Rachel pheromone. It's almost like a chemical she exudes from her pores that says, "I'm not looking for a man, I don't particularly want a man, come any nearer and I'll slit your throat." But the more she gives this off, the more guys chase after her like a Benny Hill movie speeded up. The irony is, there's me dying for a fella I can call my own and they run a mile from me, whereas all Rachel has to do is snarl at a guy and he immediately turns into her slobbering lapdog.

I often wonder, is my desperation and her lack of it something that single men can smell?

So anyway. Back to Paris and husband number one. After years of trying to persuade her that annoying her mother was a really lame excuse for not getting married, he handed her an ultimatum. Either we break up, or get hitched.

I know, I know, normally it's the other way around, women are the ones who are supposed to give men the shit-or-get-off-the-pot ultimatum, but this is Rachel's world, not mine. She didn't particularly want to break up, so, while on holiday in Las Vegas, she impulsively married him Britney Spears style, at the end of an all-night drinking session, with two cleaners for witnesses. And then the unthinkable happened.

She came back to Dublin for a flying visit to break the news to all of us, but ended up having a vicious fight with her mother, who nearly hit the ceiling when she realized that now she'd never get one Jimmy Choo–clad foot into a mother-of-the-bride rig-out. So, unexpectedly, Rachel decided to hop on the first flight she could get back home to Paris to surprise her brand-new husband. Big mistake.

Rachel says to this day she can vividly remember racing up all fifteen flights of stairs and breathlessly flinging the door open, to find him in bed with a close mutual friend of theirs. Stunned, she somehow made her way back to Charles de Gaulle Airport, only to realize that she had absolutely no money. Nothing. Not even enough to make a call in those long-ago pre-cell-phone days. So she did what we'd all do in similar circumstances. Sat on her suitcase in the middle of the concourse, cigarette in hand, bawling.

Second big mistake.

It just so happened that there had been a big match on that weekend, and the airport bar was packed to overflowing with fans on their way home. One of them spotted this gorgeous damsel in distress (Rachel looks a bit like a 1920s silent movie star, you know, snow-white skin and dark bobbed hair, kind of like Louise Brooks, except with muscles), and he went to help. He was a big, beefy New Zealander who seemed like the answer to her prayers—i.e., he bought her drinks, paid for her flight home, and offered to rip number one's head off on her behalf. As far as Rachel was concerned, he came along in such a haze of romance, he may as well have been riding on a white charger. Who could resist? Within a year, she had divorced number one, married number two, and then divorced him only a few months later.

Remind Me Again Why I Need A Man. Copyright © by Claudia Carroll. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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Meet the Author

Claudia Carroll is the author of Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man and I Never Fancied Him Anyway, which have been optioned for a Fox television series and a film, respectively. She lives in Dublin.

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Remind Me Again Why I Need A Man 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 12 reviews.
Karynlk More than 1 year ago
Likable characters, engaging story, and laugh out loud moments. I like the way it ended, as it was different than predicted.
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Guest More than 1 year ago
Great read witty, intelligent, and really smart. Keeps you reading. Reminiscent of Sex and the City, but a different city with an altogether more intriquing sex!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This was a superb read, truly. It had me howling with laughter as my eyes devoured the story at a rapid rate. This is a woman with true grit when it comes to storytelling in a world predominantly saturated with run-of-mill gibberish. We need more books like this to slap smiles across our faces. Carroll, I salute you and all that you have wonderfully achieved. Onwards, always.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book comes as a breath of fresh air amongsnt the recent plethora of so-called 'funny' books that have been dumped into bookshops by the truckload over the last ten years. Carroll comes across as a naturally funny person who has managed to retain her sense of humour in her writing without coming across as someone who is trying too hard, or feels obliged to shoehorn a joke into every line. I enjoyed the characters she describes, who again, come across as believable and not as caracatures, which happens in other writer's works that I could mention but apparently am not allowed to. I got the impression that she might have written for Frasier or The Simpsons, and if she didn't, certainly could have. A treat.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Reading this book made me laugh out loud. The story could be about any one really. Although the main character is female the book can say a lot to the male reader. Just imagine having to meet up with your ex lovers and find out what they really thought about you!!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I wondered if this latest book from Claudia Carroll would live up to its punchy title and I must say I was surprised its even better than the name implies! This book establishes Carroll as one of the most original writers in this - often crowded - genre. This witty and wise book is a tonic and endorses Carroll's reputation as one of Ireland's best and brightest new authors.
Guest More than 1 year ago
1.Very clever story 2.Hilarious! 3.Great characters-many of whom I seem to know personally 4.Seriously funny conversations between characters. Carroll is obviously going to achieve the success of her fellow country women like Keyes and Binchy.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This is such a wonderful read. I couldn't put it down. Such a skilled writer with wonderful humour and grace of language. fantastic