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Rick and Bubba's Big Honkin' Book of Grub
By Rick Burgess Bill "Bubba" Bussey Martha Bolton
Thomas NelsonCopyright © 2010 Rick Burgess and Bill "Bubba" Bussey
All right reserved.
Chapter OneThe Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" non Diet * * *
Diet. Now, that's a word you hear every livelong day, somewhere in our carb-conscious society. Seems like every time I (Bubba) turn around, so-and-so's on a diet, or "Hey, man, what diet are you on?" or "Gee, she looks great. She must be dieting." If you ask us, there's a reason that the first three letters of the word diet are d-i-e, but hey, if YOU want to fuss with calories, points, or fat grams, we're with you.
Now, having offered you our support, if you want-or need-to go on a diet, there are a lot of different choices available to you today. You can do Atkins-if you're into that. Personally, we like our starch. God made it, and that's good enough for us. Or you could try Weight Watchers-if you dig counting all those little points for every sumptuous bite you put in your mouth ... but Rick and I tend to cheat. (Individual chocolate chips don't really have points, do they? They're so small ...) There's even the illustrious "Deal-a-Meal." (Ever notice how those old commercials make those ladies look like they're playing a fun game of cards? Hmph. I don't think so ...) South Beach, North Beach, Sugar Busters, Weigh Down, count your calories, watch your zones, watch your this and watch your that-oh, the choices are endless. There's even a caveman diet. Hey, I could get into that! Anybody remember the size of that rack o' ribs Fred Flintstone was served in the closing credits of The Flintstones? Pass me the sauce!
But we are going to give you one more choice, the quintessential diet. Introducing ... (drum roll, please) the Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" diet. This is a diet plan that is based in reality, and it is what has kept us in GQ shape all these years.
The truth is, almost any diet will help you lose weight to some extent. That's because most diets are based on the simple principle that eating fewer calories than what you've been eating in the past will cause anyone to lose weight. It just makes mathematical sense.
But very few diets are set up for you to actually live while following them. Losing weight is fine, but if it's only to help you fit into your funeral clothes, what good is that? We contend that life is meant to be lived, and who can live without, say, carbs? (Hey, doctors tell us carbs have that "feel-good" thing going on for your brain. Who are we to argue?) A "diet" without mashed potatoes and French toast and Sister Schubert's yeast rolls and bottomless pasta bowls-we can't do it. And meat? Essential. Jesus ate meat. Who are we to tell him he's wrong? No sirree. We aren't about to go vegan.
No, with the Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" diet plan, we don't discriminate against any particular type of food. In fact, with our diet, you can eat whatever you want.
Sugar? You got it!
White bread? Absolutely!
Animal fat? Here you go!
Red meat? Belly up to the carving table!
We're not so arrogant and narrow-minded as to leave out the very foods that everyone enjoys. That's not fair. Why should we punish butter? What did it do? Tasting good isn't a crime. At least the last time we checked it wasn't.
We're not going to single out desserts as the bad guy either. They're just trying to keep themselves in demand like everyone else-a little job security. Is that so bad?
Our philosophy is that we will continue to support all food. We say, eat everything ... only do it in moderation. You can still go to buffets; just don't clean them out. And if you do, don't start licking the serving carts.
* * *
The Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" diet works on the truth principle. The truth is that people like us aren't fat because we're hungry. We're fat because we like how food tastes! That is a fact. We've faced it-now nutritionists need to face this truth too. They need to step back into reality. We love to eat. It's part of who we are.
I (Rick) don't order a hot fudge sundae because I'm starving. Nor do I order a second slice of cheesecake because I'm feeling weak and faint. If I were feeling weak and faint, I'd order a triple-meat burger or a sixteen-ounce steak or something a lot more filling and rich in iron. I order desserts because they don't care about iron. I order them because they taste good. I want that chocolate shake because I like the flavor of it, not because my stomach's growling for it. (I haven't heard my stomach growl in fourteen years. I do my best to keep it full at all times. As its primary caregiver, I consider it my duty.)
So we say, why pretend that you don't want to eat? Of course you want to eat. You want more than the 1,800; 1,500; or 800 calories those other plans are limiting you to. Accept that truth. The goal of our diet isn't to get you to be skinny. Our goal is to get you to a level of fat that you can tolerate.
Having said all that, there are some folks out there-unlike Bubba and me-who really do eat because they're hungry-and only then. Our hats off to you. We'd like you better if you ate for fun, but hey, there's room for everybody on the Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" diet. For good, conscientious folks like you, there's only going to be one way for you to lose weight: stop eating when you're hungry, and instead, only eat when you're famished.
Now, many people confuse the terms hungry and famished, but there is a world of difference. Let Uncles Rick and Bubba help you.
First, hungry is a mild inconvenience. You may have heard your stomach growl. The aroma coming from your kitchen may be making it difficult for you to concentrate on your favorite show. You may have even gotten a little faint. But this is not famished. It is hungry.
The way we look at it is this-famished is when you're hungry and nothing was done about it. This is far worse than being merely hungry. When you're famished, the waiter doesn't even have to ask if you want the pie, because you've already gone ahead and ordered it before you even ordered your meal.
Hungry means it's 11:30, and I'm a little spindly and lightheaded because it's almost lunchtime. Famished means it's 11:35, and it's time to get the IV going.
Hungry means I can be satisfied with one combo meal. Famished means I've moved beyond the hungry stage and am now combining combo meals. It means I'm coming off the menu board and I'm starting to make up my own combination numbers. "I'll have three cheeseburgers, curly fries, and six tacos. Let's call that a #27." Or I'll order one of the regular combo meals, and then start adding to it. "I'll take a #4, plus two cheeseburgers and a side of beef."
Hungry means I'm popping a frozen pizza into the oven. Famished means I'm eating it frozen ... along with the box!
Hungry means my stomach is growling. Famished means I am.
Hungry means I've eaten all the chips and salsa and am now ready for my meal (but don't take away the chip bowl! Just keep fillin' 'er up, if you please ...). Famished means I've eaten the centerpiece and half of the tablecloth, and I'm now in the kitchen, helping them cook.
Hungry means if the meat is not to my liking, I'll send it back to the chef. Famished means if the meat is still moving, I'm tackling it to the ground before it can get away.
So you see, for those of you-unlike Bubba and me-who don't eat because it's more fun than walking on a treadmill, more satisfying than a day at the zoo, and more a part of you than your own hair follicles, your success lies in your ability to distinguish between "Gee-that-smells-tasty-and-I-haven't-eaten-since-breakfast"-hungry-and "Unhand-that-pork-chop-or-I'll-fight-you-for-it"-FAMISHED.
Rick and Bubba's Weight Loss Tips
Tip #1: Before weighing yourself, always put the turkey down first.
Tip #2: Never put both feet on the scale.
Tip #3: Before weighing yourself, remove shoes, jewelry, and any dental fillings that may be adding to your weight.
Tip #4: Better yet, when the nurse isn't looking, "accidentally" fall against the scale, sliding the metal gauge down about ten pounds.
Tip #5: Buy bigger belts.
Tip #6: Only put three scoops of bacon bits on your salad.
Tip #7: Drop all your skinny friends. Only hang around people who are larger than you.
Tip #8: Jog, instead of walking, to your refrigerator.
Tip #9: All 31 flavors will not fit on a single ice cream cone. You have to choose. Deal with it.
Tip #10: Limit your intake of white flour. Wait until it's in a loaf of bread. It tastes better.
Rick and Bubba's "Get Out of Jail Free" Card
They say that, often, prisoners who finally get out of jail end up right back in the slammer-for the very same thing they got arrested for in the first place, or worse (at least that's what they say ...). Well, it's our contention that most dieters are just like that.
Isn't it true that most other diet plans make you feel like you've been taken prisoner? And as a prisoner, sooner or later you're going to want to break out of your confinement of limited calories and make a run for it ... to the nearest Krispy Kreme. So we ask you, what good was all that dieting you suffered through when you gain all that lost weight right back-and a couple or ten pounds more-before you're twenty feet beyond the drive-thru window?
It all seems like a waste to us. Who wants to step on a scale after a maple bar binge and see the same, pre-diet number that was there before the diet even began? It's defeating.
Was it worth passing on that wedding cake two weeks ago?
Was it worth waving off that banana pudding?
Was it worth sending the dessert cart on its way?
Of course it wasn't. If you're going to commit the same lip-lickin' crime as before and gain all your weight back, why bother going through all that dieting anguish in the first place? Get out of jail free, and enjoy the autonomy of the Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" diet plan.
* * *
Another point we'd like to make about our diet plan is that we refuse to let you eat any strange versions of regular food. This includes fat-free chips of any kind. Chips were never intended to be fat free. They're deep-fried ... in FAT. That's what makes them chips. Why pretend that you're eating something healthy when you've got a bag of Lay's in your hand? Oh, you can rationalize the part about it being a potato and having vitamins and all, but it's still a potato chip. Potato chips aren't a diet food. Quit pretending you can make them into a diet food.
Besides, have you read the side effects of fat-free chips? Read about them the next time you've got a bag of fat-free chips in your hand. Not one of those side effects is pretty. If you're going to diet, then just eat less food. Don't start messing around with "diet" versions of regular food that were never meant to be fat free.
Fat-free cheesecake? Fat-free ice cream? Fat-free butter? Fat-free fat? Haven't we carried this practical joke on long enough? To quote one of our favorite thin bodies, "Stop the insanity!"
Besides, the fat-free marketers mess with your head anyway. Ever notice how labels on canned vegetables will sometimes brag about being "A Fat-Free Food"? Well, of course they're fat free. They're green beans-without butter. Or lard. Or those little fried-onion things that MeMaw puts on her green bean casserole. So you can't trust fat-free marketing. So why bother? Nutshell version? Steer clear of fat-free foods.
We also suggest that you stay away from diet drinks. It is our opinion that diet sodas are far worse for you than regular sodas. Artificial sweeteners are fine if you need them for health reasons; but if you don't, why would you risk putting chemicals you can't even pronounce in your body? The FDA may say they're perfectly fine, but we wonder about the safety of any chemical that can make your insides produce noises of a decibel level that NASA hasn't even heard yet.
Better yet, maybe we should all be drinking more water. And not pricey bottled water either. In this economy, do you have any idea how much money you could save by going back to drinking water out of the faucet? Remember that kind of water? It's still there. It may not have tiny little bubbles in it, but it's wet and costs a lot less. Besides, do you really believe that fancy-pants bottled stuff comes from "a sparkling Alpine stream"? Heck no, baby. It really comes from the murky waters of Swamp Holler-but who's gonna tell you that?
* * *
Aside from the freedom of eating what you want, when you want, another reason we feel the Rick and Bubba "Hey, You Gotta Live" diet plan has been so successful is the accompanying Rick and Bubba products, such as the Rick and Bubba governor for forks. This device works like any other governor device, only you attach it to your fork. The governor then sounds an alarm whenever your fork is exceeding the lift limit. Ignore it and severe penalties will apply, such as having all your fork privileges revoked. You won't be allowed to get behind the prongs of a fork until you have sought rehabilitation.
But the real secret behind the success of our diet plan has little to do with any of the above reasons. It is this: the return of the 8-inch plate. The average plate today will run about 12 inches. That size plate holds far too much food. We suggest returning to 8-inch plates, like our forefathers used, but then piling them as high as you can. Because of the size difference, and the clearance limit of most restaurants, you would naturally be eating less, yet it would look like so much more.
Make one small change like this and you could be well on your way to the weight of your dreams.
We also advocate a free day. You can call it a Day of Decadence, Day of Liberty, Day of Blowing Your Diet to Smithereens-whatever you want. This is the day when you can eat as much as you want without any guilt whatsoever, but only on this one day. We feel that by providing this kind of freedom to our dieters, by allowing them to let loose on this one day each week, they will find it easier to keep to their diet on the other six days. We've tested this out ourselves, and it really does seem to have a positive effect on a dieter's mental state.
That's right, by having two freedom days per week, we are more likely to maintain our diet regimen for the other five days. Let's face it, diets are hard to maintain, but we have found that by allowing ourselves these three freedom days each week, we are able to pass on unhealthy snacks and desserts the other four days of the week. Four freedom days aren't really that many when you get right down to it.
Imagine it-five days in which you can eat anything you like, and only two during which you have to watch your caloric intake. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Six free days, and only one diet day. Tell us a diet plan that is easier than that. Seven free days, and zero diet days.
That's the Rick and Bubba diet. Sign up today!
Chapter TwoThe Incredible, Edible ... Meat?
* * *
Rick and I (Bubba) are reminded of the inspiring Bible story of Jesus, after he'd been away from his disciples for a while, and he asks them, "Do you have any meat?" (Trust us: it's in there.) Notice he didn't say, "Do you have any rice cakes?" or "Do you have any fat-free alfalfa sprouts?" No sir. The Man wanted meat. Now, at the risk of repeating ourselves, Rick and I would just like to say, in all humility and deference-
-that if it's good enough for our Lord, it's good enough for us. We're contentedly carnivorous. But we've already talked about Jesus being a meat-eater and all, so far be it from us to belabor the point. What's important now is that you understand that meat is your friend. The cavemen ate it. Hey, they didn't discover fire for nothing! What do you think they did that for? Well, we can tell you. Ol' Neanderthal (or whoever he was) came up with the idea of fire for ...
Excerpted from Rick and Bubba's Big Honkin' Book of Grub by Rick Burgess Bill "Bubba" Bussey Martha Bolton Copyright © 2010 by Rick Burgess and Bill "Bubba" Bussey. Excerpted by permission.
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