Rising from the Ashes of Divorce: Book one in the Flying Solo Series

Rising from the Ashes of Divorce

Balboa Press

Chapter One

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

When recalling the story of my marriage and subsequent divorce, I am aware of what a great, juicy story it was. There were villains and victims, knights and queens, and, of course, a fair maiden who needed to be saved from a cruel king.

I must state with total clarity that those were illusions. I created them in my mind to keep from looking honestly at my situation and blessing and releasing my inner quarrels with my ex-spouse. Of course, this is easy for me to write now, eight years later; if you had asked me about my marriage and the death of that union while I was going through my divorce, my story would have featured the maiden and other supporting characters.

Although I thought I was "owning" my part in the divorce, I most certainly was acting the part of the fair maiden, and my actions were merely reactions to my ex's supposed bad behavior. This wasn't clear to me until I started to study A Course in Miracles and many other beautiful pieces of modern and ancient spirituality. It was not until I truly got down on my knees and handed my life over to God that I began to see these patterns in my life.

I was introduced to a sacred prayer practice, which simplified my spirituality and brought me closer to God and my life's purpose than I ever dreamed possible. Before my resurrection, I had conversations filled with hate, shame, blame and anger, all of which kept me in a negative state of being, even on days that were brilliant and wonderful. The power of these emotions was continually pulling me toward the bottom.

It was too scary to even consider declaring that my life was not a fairy tale gone wrong but a blessed manifestation of God's love. It was frightening to think about what might happen if I tried looking at my relationship with my ex from a loving and forgiving place, so I held on tight to my old story until the day I finally decided to step into the fear and unleash these powerful changes of thought.

You know what occurred? A miracle! Not a metaphorical change but an honest-to-goodness miracle. My life was forever transformed and altered in ways I could never have even dreamed possible. It is because of this miracle, and the many since, that I want to share this work with you.

Miracles are our birthright, but we sit idly by, not expecting them to happen for us. Meanwhile, the Holy Spirit wants us to experience miracles on a daily basis because, in so doing, we gain a greater intimacy with God.

Are you ready for miracles in your life? Well, let's begin.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. ~ Henry David Thoreau

It had been almost two years since my ex and I decided it was over, and we were in the throes of our divorce battle, sorting out financial matters, custody, homes, and a business. I was outraged and told my story to anyone who would listen; after all, it was a great tale.

When I told my story, people related to it, and they were angered and incensed by a situation about which they knew nothing firsthand. I realized then that we all love to meet each other in what I call our wounded place. It's like having a clubhouse where the wounded bring hankies and chocolate chip cookies to share. Looking back, I cringe to think about it, but at the time, who cared? I just wanted anyone to listen to my version of the facts.

In the early summer, during my divorce proceedings, I went away with my brother, who is a guardian angel in my life. We were sitting one evening in a beautiful field. I was in shock over a recent meeting with my soon-to-be ex's attorney and my lawyer. Of course, I was feeling like the victim. My brother sat patiently, listening to my ranting about how I was being dealt another unfair deal. He lovingly allowed me to share my frustrations without interjecting or adding any fuel to my anger.

A sudden, miraculous thought came to me out of nowhere, and I said, "What if I stop the fighting and just settle? I will definitely not get what I feel I am entitled to financially, and I will be conceding to things that I may not feel are fair, but what if the fighting just stopped?"

He sat and was very quiet, and then said simply, "Yeah, that feels right." Nothing more. We sat for another minute, and it was in that simple moment that I experienced my first miracle.

There was no thunder boom or lightning bolt. No angel walked up to me and handed me the divine How to Get Divorced manual. Though it may sound crazy, my mind was simply and easily altered. My thoughts went from those of fear to those of love, and in that holy instant I was at peace.

Prior to that moment, I was fighting for things that in this world seem important: financial security, the well-being of my children, my home, an automobile. But I realized that if the battle continued, conflict would be all I attracted into my life and I would never be free from anger and fear.

I draw to me that which I am thinking, so by fighting, I was creating more anger and chaos around me. Was that good for my children? In fighting for financial resources, I was focusing on lack instead of future abundance and the possibilities in the present moment.

I have been asked over and over how we can truly change our minds. Though this transformation is so simple, it is something we resist. Really, what we focus on is what we create. In that moment with my brother, I finally surrendered. I unclenched my fists and considered for a moment what life would be like without a fight.

Ahh ... what a nice thought.

In my life after divorce, I have had to remind myself on many occasions of that miracle. It is not as though I became completely Christ-like after that day; however, I do aspire to live my life in closer union with Spirit, and when I do have struggles with my ex, I can honestly say I try to see his perspective and act from love to the best of my current ability.

The experience with my brother gave me insight that I can always tap into. The saying "Once you know better, you do better" applies. I realize that today I can, quite simply, decide to be happy instead of right. I can end a fight. A miracle is always mine for the taking, as it is yours.

When we get caught up in our past stories, especially those filled with hate and blame, we are not fully alive. It is this moment that is the gift, and it is only in the present where we meet God. So no more meeting your friends at your wounded place. It serves no one, especially not you. For today, put the chocolate chip cookies away, and sit in the present moment with all of your feelings, considering what is next.

Life is not a fairy tale, and no one gets a pain-free pass. Now you get to author your story based on what you want, feel, and need, and you have the chance to fly freely—to soar. You are no longer co-author of one chapter of your life.

There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternally new now that builds and creates itself out of the best as the past withdraws.

~ Goethe

We share who we are with our stories. Our stories are critical in the telling of how we are evolving and growing. They offer us an opportunity to glimpse into the world of other people and places. As a species, it is through our oral and written traditions that we have come to know and understand our ancestors, various cultures, and religions as well as share in political, spiritual, and philosophical thought. It is from some of the most mystical stories that many of our world religions are based.

Unfortunately, history is often told as "his" story, and most times it is the story of the winner in a given situation. If we are to truly understand any situation or event, we must listen to the stories of at least three participants: the winner, the loser, and the objective observer. When we have not been given the whole story, we form opinions based on limited information.

For instance, when I grew up, I heard and saw movies in which American Indian nations were depicted as savage, ruthless, and cruel. I was taught that the Americas were discovered by Christopher Columbus, but how could that have been? Were not the Americas land that was already inhabited? I was also taught about the Pilgrims' flight from Europe because of religious persecution. I was told how kind the Indians were that first Thanksgiving; however, nothing was mentioned about the early settlers' intolerance toward Native American religion.

It was not until I was in my twenties that I began to read literature about the genocide of the Native Americans. I read and gained deeper understanding about their beautiful spirituality and the ways in which they honored Earth and all living things. My feelings went from fear and contempt to humility and awe. I was amazed at how my opinion could shift with more knowledge.

It was during this time that I also became aware of the awesome power of spell-casting—how with our words and stories we can sway others' opinions. I became acutely aware of the times when I discussed people, places, or situations, and my listeners acquired "their own" opinions based on what I said.

Unfortunately, this is a power that I have abused over time. I know that each of us has this power, and I challenge you from this day forth to use it with grace and integrity. When you talk about someone else, if you say negative things, ask yourself why you feel the need to discuss the person in this way.

So, what does this have to do with the story of your divorce? A LOT! Oftentimes, when we are hurting and angry it is through the tale of our broken relationships that we acquire allies. It is also my experience that in most stories of divorce, more often than not, the speaker is the person who was wronged.

Isn't it funny that it took two to fall in love, get married and be married but usually one person is to blame? Sure ... we listen, oftentimes with deaf ears, to the coach or therapist who reminds us that it takes two, but when we are hurting we believe it has been all their fault, not ours.

I met with 12 participants in my first Flying Solo group and can report that they all felt as though they were the victims of their divorces. Even if one or two did the leaving, the story was that their marriages ended because the other person did this or that.

Why do we do this? It comes from being deeply wounded and vulnerable. It is also hard to look at the parts we played in the demise of our marriages. Ifwekeeptellingourstoriesandblamingourpartners,evenforouractions, we do not have to take responsibility. This means we do not have to sit in the shame or pain. Unfortunately, unless we own our piece, we will never move out of this place, and we will just keep repeating the same mistake.

I once heard a very wise woman quote scripture. She said, "Although I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil." She said this to a group of divorcées, reminding them that the key was "walking through," not building a home or hanging out in the valley.

You do not get to transcend the experience of divorce. You must walk through the situation, be present in the pain and learn the lesson given to you. Once you do, you realize that you can walk through and survive, and from this vantage, you can live in the present. Owning mistakes becomes less scary.

It is important to remember that we change our minds or perspective at will. The cup half empty or half full is a great metaphor for this. When we are happy and thriving, we often see things from the cup half full perspective; when life becomes hard, we live in the perspective of the cup half empty.

Time is an aid for changing perspective. Circumstances change, and many wounds heal. But what if we consciously choose to change perspective now? When I hear people explaining why their marriages did not work out, as if that were the end of their story, I remember that they are under the influence of their current perspective. If I talk about the opportunities before them, because their circumstances have changed, it is amazing to see the shift in their perspective.

During divorce, we often vilify our spouses to protect our very fragile egos. It is because of the ego, though, that this state of fear exists. If we were coming from the perfect place within each of us, where the Divine dwells, we would see that we do not need others to be wrong in order for our feeling to be right. Our thoughts and feelings simply need to be in alignment with what we intuitively know is right for us. Period.

A Course in Miracles states that we either come from a place of love or fear. When we trash an ex-spouse, blaming him or her for the misery of our current reality, we are acting from fear. Fear of not being loveable, fear of the unknown, fear that we have no worth, fear there is not enough for us. However, in the eyes of God we are all miracles and deserve to be here. We are here not to perpetuate hate, but to experience love.

It is in our intimate relationships that we do our greatest learning. When we learn through fear, we often stay in relationships that no longer serve our or our partners' highest good. We are so afraid of moving forward that we hold on to things that are no longer in our best interest to have. Unfortunately, this can be very painful, and many of us have experienced this kind of hurt deep within our souls. Once again, it is our fear of being unlovable that many times keeps us in situations that devastate our self-worth and perpetuate this state of fear.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.

~ Robert Frost

It is in learning through love that we set ourselves free. We all have life lessons to learn, and we can either learn them in a state of fear or a state of love. None of us get a pass at this.

Oftentimes, I am asked, "Why does this keep happening to me?" and I always respond by bringing up questions.

"Maybe you have not gotten the lesson. What is the lesson? What are you trying to control here?"

The miracle of being human is that we are exactly where we need to be. We are perfect and whole exactly as we are, and the answers to any of our questions dwell within us. When we turn to another person, even a spouse, for the answers or to fill our hearts' longing, it will inevitably lead to disaster. None of us knows really what is right for another human being.

I am not suggesting that we are not able to give one another joy and love; I am saying that we must act from our place of love, within us, and when we do, we no longer need the approval of others to make life right for us. Oftentimes, we get so caught up in trying to make another person love us that we are not tapped into what is really right for our souls and our evolution. We deny feelings and warning signs that the Divine within us tries to tell us.

Ask yourself what signs you are seeing. How are you interpreting events? You can walk through the doorway of possibility when your angels open it, or you can walk around feeling as though you are being pushed into the Grand Canyon.

If you are entering midlife, chances are you have been pushed into the Grand Canyon at least once. To illustrate, let's say you fall in love with someone and start to share a life together. Your spouse does not like something about you or your family, and instead of discussing it and working through it, you begin to alter pieces of your personality. You step outside your "truth." Even though you hear whispers, inside you, saying that you are perfect the way you are, you make the changes.

When you alter yourself to please others, however, you are not experiencing the world in a state of truth. You might grow angry at your partner and begin to pick at his or her flaws, demanding alterations. Perhaps he or she complies. After all, who wants to fight all the time? Soon, you are wondering why you and your partner are fighting still. Each of you has changed to try to suit the needs of the other.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Rising from the Ashes of Divorce by Beth Tiger Copyright © 2012 by Beth Tiger. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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