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Overview
After growing up in small-town Pennsylvania, where she was a popular straight-A student, Lynn Smith moved to New York City to pursue her dream of acting. In the city, she came in contact with new people, new ideas, and a completely new way of life -- a way that exposed her to drugs. She tried pot, acid, and cocaine, but it was Ecstasy that changed her forever.
She stopped auditioning and dedicated herself full-time to her newfound romance with the "love drug," spending her weekends popping pills and dancing all night long. Ignoring her symptoms of piercing headaches and paranoia, in only a short while Lynn went from living responsibly to barely living at all -- until the night she began to hallucinate uncontrollably, yet somehow managed to pick up the phone and call her mother.
At once harrowing and inspiring, Rolling Away is the timely story of a too-fashionable new addiction and, ultimately, a triumphant narrative of survival and how a second chance can save your life.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781416506836 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Atria Books |
| Publication date: | 05/24/2005 |
| Sold by: | SIMON & SCHUSTER |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 304 |
| File size: | 412 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
From the outside my house looks like every other one on Bloom Street. A ranch home, two-car garage, groomed shrubs lining the front of it, and a rose bush by the entrance. But we have something that the others didn't. In our front yard stands a giant, old oak tree. No matter how many times my father trimmed it back, the tree seemed to grow bigger and bigger each spring. It shaded everything and prevented the sunlight from ever shining through the front windows. Driving past 1320 Bloom Street, you might not even know there is a house there because it is always hiding behind that big oak.
When I was in high school, I stayed away from the house as much as possible. If I wasn't in class, I was rehearsing for a play. I lived in the school's theater. The stage was my one true home. I felt safe there. My mother, friends, and teachers told me that I had a gift, a real talent. But I knew the only reason that I excelled in acting was because I had spent my whole life doing it. Practice makes perfect. I performed every day, putting on a show free of charge, for my family, friends, and teachers. If there was ever a lull in conversation or an uncomfortable silence, you could always count on me to chime in with a joke or kooky observation, anything to avoid the tension in the air. I could read a room, get a laugh, and work a crowd with my eyes closed. Acting was my survival and my greatest defense.
From my earliest memories I remember my mother crying. My father had yelled at her for buying clothes for us that he thought we didn't need or she was upset that he was too hung over on Christmas morning to open gifts with us. There was an endless supply of reasons for her to cry and that's what she was always doing, at least to my young ears. I would crouch down in the hallway outside her bedroom door and listen to her sniffling. She didn't want my sisters and I to see her like that. She was protecting us, but it only made me more scared and distrustful to live in that house.
There was a routine that she and my father had perfected: he would bring something up, asking for an argument, throwing a lit match on the gasoline, and then came my mother's yelling. My father would just sit in his chair with his leg crossed, nodding at her like she was a child. Then he would go outside to mow the lawn or disappear to the bar. My mother would rush to her bedroom, and later magically resurface with a big smile, lie on the floor, and play Chutes and Ladders with us. The whole time I would stare at her glossy eyes and watch little bits of mascara crawl down her cheeks.
My sisters and I dealt with it very differently. Stacey, the oldest, was the good girl, straightening and cleaning her room. Stephanie, the youngest, would become even more introverted and quietly hold onto my mom's leg. I took center stage. I would do a crazy dance or impression and watch my mother's face light up. I learned early on that laughter is more like Novocain than real medicine. I was the comic relief. So this "gift" that people said that I had was actually a survival strategy, although later it became a tool of manipulation.
Growing up in chaos, in a home where any second the floor could give way, I learned to dodge bullets and keep on movin'. It was every man for himself. If I stood still I was an easy target. I wanted to be a kid and have fun. Instead I was busy worrying about when the next disaster or argument would break out between my father and any one of us.
My father is not what you would call a cruel man. He kept his distance both emotionally and physically from all of us. He never asked me or my sisters questions about life, school, boys, the weather, or anything, ever. He simply didn't care. The only time he did communicate was to tell us something was wrong. "Jesus Christ, Kathy, why didn't you pay this bill?...Lynnie, clean up your room...Stacey, move the car into the garage...Stephanie, did you take my goddamn brush again?" He spewed negativity, and we absorbed every drop.
My father never laid a finger on any of us: no hitting, no hugging. Nothing. Mentally he knew how to hurt us, though, always knowing what button to push at just the right time. My mother, sisters, and I became daily obstacles between him and his beer. He would do whatever it took to clear his path to get to that bar stool. He was an alcoholic. This was obvious to me, but no one dared talk about it, especially my mother.
He was different when people came over to visit. He was on his best behavior, laughing, making jokes, talking to me like he cared. He'd brag about me to his friends. I was the shiny Corvette covered up in a dark garage, only shown off when there was an audience. We always kept up appearances and I was a fake and a phony just like him, playing along with the charade. I loathed the idea of anybody knowing how my family truly lived behind closed doors. Once the friends left and the party was over, it was back to status quo -- cold, distant, and tense. I was more comfortable with that anyway.
My father never told me that he loved me, so my mother said it every chance she got. She thought she could love us enough for both of them. When you're little you know where the love is because you gravitate toward it. The affection only came from my mom, so I found myself in competition with my sisters to get it. I knew there was only so much to go around and I wanted as much as I could get.
I never understood why my mother stayed with him for so long. She married him at nineteen. She was young, naïve, and wanted nothing more than to be a mother. My father made that simple, by being neither a husband nor a dad. She was determined to make it last. My mom enabled and ignored, putting on a show for everyone. She spent so much time pretending. No matter how bad it got, and it got bad, she wasn't going to leave him. My mother took her vows very seriously, as she grew up in a strict, Catholic household where she was taught to stick it out. My father didn't cheat or leave her black and blue, so he was a fine husband. They slept in different rooms and when they weren't arguing they were nowhere near each other. In my entire life, I never once remember seeing them hug, kiss, or show any sign of affection toward each other. I must have been the only kid in grade school that begged her mommy to get a divorce.
By the time I got to high school, I had so much rage inside of me I thought I was going to explode. Not knowing how to deal with this, I threw myself into all the extracurricular activities I could. I landed the lead in each school theater production, was on the forensics team, was on the homecoming and prom courts, and earned straight As. I tried to be the best at everything, but acting was all that I really loved. I knew that I had some talent and beyond that, it was a great escape. I was a big fish in a small pond. In any case, I planned to get the hell out of Dodge as soon as high school was over. I grew up watching my father drink his life away and seeing my mom wasting away with him, both of them rotting in that town. I told myself day after day that I would never be like that. I knew that after graduation if I didn't leave when I had the chance, I would be stuck in Danville. I felt the wet cement drying around my feet and needed to get away before it was too late. Drivers, start your engines. So I began running and didn't stop. I had no idea at the time what I was running to or from, but I knew that if I moved away and went to the big city, nothing or no one could catch me. Not my small town roots, not my alcoholic father, not even myself. I was going to live in New York City and start a new life.
Copyright © 2005 by Lynn Marie Smith
Reading Group Guide
Group Reading Guide
Rolling Away
by Lynn Marie Smith
Description
Growing up in a small rural town in Pennsylvania, Lynn Smith was one of the popular kids, where she excelled in the performing arts and always dreamed of moving to New York City to pursue a career in acting. At 19, her dream came true when she enrolled in the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Lynn was exposed to new people, new ideas, and a completely new way of life -- one involving drugs. She tried pot, acid, and cocaine, but it was ecstasy that changed her life forever. She spent her weekends popping pills and dancing at clubs, working only to support her habit.
In five months, Lynn went from living somewhat responsibly to not caring about a thing and ignoring symptoms such as throbbing headaches and paranoia, thinking they were normal. Until the night she began to hallucinate uncontrollably. Somehow Lynn managed to call her mother, who returned her to her hometown of Danville. Lynn spent the next fourteen days in a psychiatric ward in a state of extreme confusion. While in the hospital, her doctor performed a neuro-spec scan of her brain, showing the damage Lynn had inflicted upon herself through repeated ecstasy abuse. Since that day, Lynn has dedicated herself to educating others about the perils of drug abuse. She went public with her story in hopes of preventing others from making the same mistakes. Lynn has been given something not everyone gets -- a second chance.
Discussion Questions
- Lynn's relationships in New York significantly and permanently alter her life. From Lucy, Manny, and Brian, to Mason, each person she meets in the city seems to lead her deeper into drugs and darkness. Yet Lynn takes full responsibility for her choices. How do you feel about Lynn's relationships and their influence on her? How do you think Lynn's mother feels? Does your attitude change if you are a parent? Should it?
- Lynn's relationship with her father is central to her story, and her drug use and his alcoholism are inextricably linked. Do you think that Lynn's experiences with ecstasy made her more or less sympathetic to her father's drinking? Why do you think she confronted him the way that she did during her visiting hours: "Dad, you're an alcoholic." (p.144) Did it seem like she was trying to help him, hurt him, or both?
- Throughout the book, Lynn desperately seeks intimacy with new groups of people. Think about all of the families of circumstance, of shared experience, of lifestyle that Lynn creates. What is it that bonds each of them? Do you think that it was Lynn's unhappy family life that created this need in her, or something else?
- Lynn reveals countless moments that unveil the true horror of life addicted to drugs, some as simple as her asking: "Did I eat today? I forgot what hungry felt like." (p. 123) Were there other moments like this in the story? Discuss what stood out for you most in Lynn's story.
- The character of Sam is quite mysterious. Lynn sees him as her guardian angel: "I believed and still believe he was sent for me." (p.139) Why do you think she responded to him in this way? What do you believe about his role in her recovery?
- When Lynn gets out of the hospital, she goes homes and "walk[s] around the living room, relishing [her] first taste of freedom." (p.167) At the start of her journey, Danville and this house were her jail and now she finds freedom within the same walls. Think about returning home after such a life-altering experience. What do you imagine you would feel? Lynn eventually begins to feel confined again. Why?
- Lynn writes her story with a strong sense of immediacy. Yet there are instances where she comments on her actions with the judgment of retrospect. For example: "In my mind this was a step up, but in reality this move [to Brooklyn] was the final nail in my coffin." (p.101) Review the moments in the story when she looks back like this. Why do you think she picked them? Do you believe that she had any sense of the truth of her situation at the time?
- As Lynn enters drug culture, she says: "I had crossed into a strange world, but I was right at home with it. If there was one thing I had mastered, it was adapting to my surroundings. Read the room and morph into what I needed to be to survive." (p.41) Discuss how this ability, and perhaps other aspects of Lynn's personality, impacted her addiction.
- As Lynn moves further away from her dream and initial plan for moving to the city she comments: "I think I was afraid of taking a risk, afraid of participating, afraid of rejection, ruled by fear -- I knew how to struggle, how to complain, how to wallow -- but what was it like to be truly happy, truly love myself and my life?" (p.67) Lynn's downward spiral seems so easy. Do you think it is harder to do something positive with your life?
- Lynn moved to the city to follow her dream and more deeply connect with herself. Instead, she completely lost hold of who she was. Trace the pitfalls. How did city life make her spiral easier? Do you think she would have found herself in the same place if she had moved somewhere else? If she had stayed in Danville?
- Lynn said, "Everything that surrounded me was a reflection of myself, a mirror image, and everything matched up." (p.93) This is a classic description of clique culture. Discuss the phenomenon. In the book, this ability to judge your actions only against others making the same choices impacts Lynn negatively, but that doesn't have to be the case. How have you seen this in your own life?
- Starting on pages 9, 108, and 234 Lynn shares poetry with you. Look at each of these separately from the story and discuss their use. Why do you believe Lynn included them? How is poetry's impact different from prose?
- Lynn's relationship with her mother is the most significant in her life. Talk about the bond between mother and daughter. How did they see each other? Do you believe that each truly understood the other? How did each help the other? Were there moments when they could have helped and didn't?
Enhance Your Book Club
- Lynn's blog lynnmariesmith.blogspot.com/ adds to her book. Visit the site with your reading group to see what she's involved in today, share other stories, and even view her brain scan.
- Learn more about ecstasy use and abuse on drugabuse.gov/ResearchReports/MDMA/, parentingteens.about.com/cs/ecstasy/l/blecstasy2.htm, and narconon.org/druginfo/ecstasy_x.html.
Introduction
Group Reading Guide
Rolling Away
by Lynn Marie Smith
Description
Growing up in a small rural town in Pennsylvania, Lynn Smith was one of the popular kids, where she excelled in the performing arts and always dreamed of moving to New York City to pursue a career in acting. At 19, her dream came true when she enrolled in the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Lynn was exposed to new people, new ideas, and a completely new way of life — one involving drugs. She tried pot, acid, and cocaine, but it was ecstasy that changed her life forever. She spent her weekends popping pills and dancing at clubs, working only to support her habit.
In five months, Lynn went from living somewhat responsibly to not caring about a thing and ignoring symptoms such as throbbing headaches and paranoia, thinking they were normal. Until the night she began to hallucinate uncontrollably. Somehow Lynn managed to call her mother, who returned her to her hometown of Danville. Lynn spent the next fourteen days in a psychiatric ward in a state of extreme confusion. While in the hospital, her doctor performed a neuro-spec scan of her brain, showing the damage Lynn had inflicted upon herself through repeated ecstasy abuse. Since that day, Lynn has dedicated herself to educating others about the perils of drug abuse. She went public with her story in hopes of preventing others from making the same mistakes. Lynn has been given something not everyone gets — a second chance.
Discussion Questions
- Lynn's relationships in New York significantly and permanently alter her life. From Lucy, Manny, and Brian, to Mason, each person she meetsin the city seems to lead her deeper into drugs and darkness. Yet Lynn takes full responsibility for her choices. How do you feel about Lynn's relationships and their influence on her? How do you think Lynn's mother feels? Does your attitude change if you are a parent? Should it?
- Lynn's relationship with her father is central to her story, and her drug use and his alcoholism are inextricably linked. Do you think that Lynn's experiences with ecstasy made her more or less sympathetic to her father's drinking? Why do you think she confronted him the way that she did during her visiting hours: "Dad, you're an alcoholic." (p.144) Did it seem like she was trying to help him, hurt him, or both?
- Throughout the book, Lynn desperately seeks intimacy with new groups of people. Think about all of the families of circumstance, of shared experience, of lifestyle that Lynn creates. What is it that bonds each of them? Do you think that it was Lynn's unhappy family life that created this need in her, or something else?
- Lynn reveals countless moments that unveil the true horror of life addicted to drugs, some as simple as her asking: "Did I eat today? I forgot what hungry felt like." (p. 123) Were there other moments like this in the story? Discuss what stood out for you most in Lynn's story.
- The character of Sam is quite mysterious. Lynn sees him as her guardian angel: "I believed and still believe he was sent for me." (p.139) Why do you think she responded to him in this way? What do you believe about his role in her recovery?
- When Lynn gets out of the hospital, she goes homes and "walk[s] around the living room, relishing [her] first taste of freedom." (p.167) At the start of her journey, Danville and this house were her jail and now she finds freedom within the same walls. Think about returning home after such a life-altering experience. What do you imagine you would feel? Lynn eventually begins to feel confined again. Why?
- Lynn writes her story with a strong sense of immediacy. Yet there are instances where she comments on her actions with the judgment of retrospect. For example: "In my mind this was a step up, but in reality this move [to Brooklyn] was the final nail in my coffin." (p.101) Review the moments in the story when she looks back like this. Why do you think she picked them? Do you believe that she had any sense of the truth of her situation at the time?
- As Lynn enters drug culture, she says: "I had crossed into a strange world, but I was right at home with it. If there was one thing I had mastered, it was adapting to my surroundings. Read the room and morph into what I needed to be to survive." (p.41) Discuss how this ability, and perhaps other aspects of Lynn's personality, impacted her addiction.
- As Lynn moves further away from her dream and initial plan for moving to the city she comments: "I think I was afraid of taking a risk, afraid of participating, afraid of rejection, ruled by fear — I knew how to struggle, how to complain, how to wallow — but what was it like to be truly happy, truly love myself and my life?" (p.67) Lynn's downward spiral seems so easy. Do you think it is harder to do something positive with your life?
- Lynn moved to the city to follow her dream and more deeply connect with herself. Instead, she completely lost hold of who she was. Trace the pitfalls. How did city life make her spiral easier? Do you think she would have found herself in the same place if she had moved somewhere else? If she had stayed in Danville?
- Lynn said, "Everything that surrounded me was a reflection of myself, a mirror image, and everything matched up." (p.93) This is a classic description of clique culture. Discuss the phenomenon. In the book, this ability to judge your actions only against others making the same choices impacts Lynn negatively, but that doesn't have to be the case. How have you seen this in your own life?
- Starting on pages 9, 108, and 234 Lynn shares poetry with you. Look at each of these separately from the story and discuss their use. Why do you believe Lynn included them? How is poetry's impact different from prose?
- Lynn's relationship with her mother is the most significant in her life. Talk about the bond between mother and daughter. How did they see each other? Do you believe that each truly understood the other? How did each help the other? Were there moments when they could have helped and didn't?
Enhance Your Book Club
- Lynn's blog http://lynnmariesmith.blogspot.com/ adds to her book. Visit the site with your reading group to see what she's involved in today, share other stories, and even view her brain scan.
- Learn more about ecstasy use and abuse on http://www.drugabuse.gov/ResearchReports/MDMA/, http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/ecstasy/l/blecstasy2.htm, and http://www.narconon.org/druginfo/ecstasy_x.html.