Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas [NOOK Book]

Overview

In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed (hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals).  Rude Bitches Make Me Tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, ...

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Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas

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Overview

In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed (hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals).  Rude Bitches Make Me Tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including:

  • Navigating the agonies of check splitting (“Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?”)
  • The baffling aspects of airline travel (such as “Recline Monster” and other animals)
  • The art of the visit (always leave them wanting more . . . much more)
  • Gym and locker etiquette (hint: no one wants to talk to you while you’re buck naked)
  • Office manners (“Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue’s unfortunate cyst”)
  • And much more!

Good manners have never been so wickedly funny!

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
08/12/2013
Southern humorist Rivenbark applies her trademark wit to answering modern-day dilemmas of etiquette in what is decidedly “not your mama’s etiquette guide.” She addresses everything from table manners—in a section titled “That’s Not a Salad Fork, You Stupid Bitch”—to dealing with pushy, bragging moms or, even worse, moms who refuse to vaccinate their children. Rivenbark grapples with important issues like discord between married Duke and North Carolina basketball fans; the office co-worker running a “cake scam”; and “unsolicited hugging.” She decries etiquette degenerates like air travel’s “Entitled Recline Monster”; a woman so devoted to her politics she campaigns at funerals; and the slow-moving grocery store shoppers she dubs Saunteringus malingerus. Further topics include restroom etiquette, where Rivenbark advises men to “not tap your toes in a stall,” as “such behavior could turn you into a Republican congressman”; dealing with rude or lousy drivers on the road; and even proper Facebook behavior. As usual, her comments are infused with a Southern flair, be it a recipe for bourbon-soaked baked ham, the “Sunday-afternoon drop-in,” or prefacing awful comments with “bless her heart.” Fans of Rivenbark’s biting humor will not be disappointed with this latest offering. (Nov.)
From the Publisher
Praise for You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl

 

"[Rivenbark]'s as rebellious, irreverent, and comical as ever." —Publishers Weekly 

"...a rip-roaring read.... What makes Rivenbark’s writing so entertaining is that it’s a lot like seeing a stand-up comedy act: she does an uncanny job of keeping the flow of comedy fresh." —Book Reporter 

“Opening a book by Celia is like going to a great party—at the end of the night, your sides hurt, your mascara’s ruined, and you realize you haven’t eaten anything for almost an hour.  She’s that good.  My biggest hope is that when I find myself riding the bus to hell, I’ll look over and Celia will be sitting right next to me.” —Laurie Notaro, author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club

 

Praise for You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start In The Morning

 

“Whether readers are from the south side of Baw-ston or living just south of the Mississippi, Rivenbark’s genuine Southern recipes and true Southern charm are sure to appeal to everyone.” —Encore Archives

 

“…many of her descriptions are not only LOL funny, they also demand reading aloud to whomever happens to be nearby.” —Myrtle Beach Sun-News

“Rivenbark is more than funny.  She’s Carolina funny.” —The Charlotte Observer

Praise for Belle Weather

"Readers will laugh out loud over her commentary on status mothers and all the odd obsessions of modern life..." —Booklist

"Think Dave Barry with a female point of view..." —USA Today

Praise for Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

“This is a hilarious read, perhaps best enjoyed while eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a few girlfriends.” —Publishers Weekly

 

“She kills in the “Kids” and “Southern-Style Silliness” sections, putting the fear of Mickey into anyone planning a trip to Disney World (character breakfasts must be scheduled 90 days in advance) and extolling the entertainment value of obituaries (“If there’s a nickname in quotes, say Red Eye, Tip Top, or simply, Zeke, then my entire day is made”)” —Entertainment Weekly

 

Praise for We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier

"Will give you a case of the giggles." —NY Daily News

"Warm, witty, and wise, rather like reading dispatches from a friend who uses e-mail and still writes letters, in ink, on good paper." —St. Petersburg Times

Praise for Bless Your Heart, Tramp

"Bright, witty and warm…stories that make a desperate gift-giver weep glad tears of relief…a pleasing blend of spice, humor and memories." —St. Petersburg Times

"Celia Rivenbark has the goods and then some. She makes you laugh out loud dozens of times. Anyone who has the moxie to toss off a piece titled 'Fake Dog Testicles' will tread into the wildest stretches of comedic terrain...” —The State ( Columbia , S.C. )

 

Kirkus Reviews
2013-10-01
More ribald social input from humor columnist Rivenbark. The outspoken Southern author's latest keeps both the tradition of eye-popping titles (You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool, 2011, etc.) and blunt, tongue-in-cheek content very much alive as she scolds the general public for its blatant lack of manners. Culled from interviews with panels of effusive friends, colleagues and random strangers, Rivenbark applies her unique brand of profanity-laden wisdom to chapters on relatable, touchy topics like PDAs ("affection should be private"), gym courtesy, Facebook civility and how to handle air travel's notoriously "Entitled Recline Monster." Elsewhere, her conveyance of smart--and often crassly hysterical--advice on restroom demeanor (think: toilet seats down vs. "pee spray") and how to behave when you're arrested or hosting guests leaves scant room for misinterpretation. Some serious laugh-out-loud moments come at the expense of those with gluten allergies, gossipers and mothers who grocery shop with unruly children ("you and your brood are shaving years off my life"). Even readers unfamiliar with Rivenbark's unique brand of cautionary guidance will giggle right along with her, knowing the author fearlessly admits to being "all about the cheap, easy laugh." Still, particular guidance, like a chapter on respecting your partner post-marriage ("the slide begins when the kids come") reads as more heartfelt than facetious. Mostly directed toward the "exhausted, overworked, undervalued mommy," yet applicable to anyone since "some bad behavior is practically universal," her etiquette tips are satisfying and mostly entertaining. Once again, Rivenbark reliably delivers what her fans have come to expect: a self-assured combination of common sense, sharp humor and a dash of Southern charm.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781250038418
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Press
  • Publication date: 10/22/2013
  • Sold by: Macmillan
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 288
  • Sales rank: 46,059
  • File size: 634 KB

Meet the Author

Celia Rivenbark


CELIA RIVENBARK is the author of You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl; Belle Weather; Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like A Skank; We're Just Like You, Only Prettier; Bless Your Heart, Tramp; and You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning. She lives in Wilmington, North Carolina.
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Read an Excerpt

chapter 1

 

Check-Splitting: Who Had the Gorgonzola Crumbles, and Should We Really Care?

My friend Gray and I have often chuckled at the memory of how our mothers and grandmothers would agonize over splitting the check following the conclusion of a ladies’ lunch on the town. Finally, at some point, one of the ladies would say to one member of the group, “Since you drove, we’ll pay the tip.”

Gray and I have been friends for three decades, ever since we met on the job at a daily newspaper where she was a photographer and I wrote feature stories about mules being born and the like. It’s amazing that we were able to get jobs even though we were clearly very young children thirty years ago. Practically embryos. Anywho, it goes without saying that we have eaten many, many meals together in all kinds of restaurants and with all kinds of people over the years.

Because this is such a treasured bond between us, as soon as the check comes, one of us will chuckle and say to the other: “Since you drove…”

Maybe you have to be there.

The point is, we know that dividing the check at the restaurant can bring out all sorts of unintentionally rude behavior. At the heart of this sort of accidental etiquette breach is that it is ever so tacky to ever discuss money in public. It just is.

And while offering to pay the tip because gas was purchased by one of the members of the party is, on the face of it, a nice gesture, it only serves to muddy the waters.

How far must we carry this? As I write this, gas is about $3.44 a gallon in my hometown. If I take two friends to lunch downtown on our lovely riverfront, I’ve used no more than $1.10 in gas to pick them up.

This is less than the cost of a glass of sweet tea these days, so really, must we make it an issue? Should I point out that, because I drove, the rest of the lunch party owes me about one-fourth of the Caribbean Fudge Pie that I am, too, ordering even though my ass is spilling over either side of my chair.

No.

But still, in some quarters, you will hear all sorts of reasons why someone should pay a smaller percentage (or a higher one!) of the check when it arrives.

This is something that makes the server crazy. Hasn’t she already been sufficiently inconvenienced by your insistence that the check be split six ways and that approximately one and a half of you are going in together to pay for the seventh woman’s bill because it’s her birthday?

Where are my smelling salts?

Question: We go out to dinner about once a month on a Saturday night with two couples who live in our cul-de-sac. We really like everything about these couples except for the fact that they drink very expensive wines with dinner and my husband and I are teetotalers. When the bill arrives, you guessed it, they always split it three ways even though we just ordered chicken cutlets and water!

Okay, you guessed it: I don’t need my smelling salts anymore; I need a very dry Grey Goose martini as big as my head. Ahh. There. Much better. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. You and your lushy fun friends sticking you with the wine bill …

First of all, let the record show that your couple-friends are assholes. Just because you share a driveway with someone doesn’t mean that they should be your dinner companions. And, not to put too fine a point on this, but you and your husband sound like you’d be happier with your own kind. I mean, who the hell goes out to eat and orders a chicken cutlet and water on a Sadday night? I mean besides Garrison Keillor. For Christ’s sake, it’s Saturday night. Live a little—get the osso bucco. Look it up.

I’m sorry. I don’t for an instant mean to imply that just because you don’t drink, you’re no fun. I just want to come right out and say it: You’re No Fun.

Assuming that you really do want to continue this pitiful dinner charade for your own weird reasons (swapping, perhaps?) I will answer your question.

You’re going to have to speak up. Yes! Crazy and radical, I know! You’re going to actually form the sentence in your empty noggin, feel the words in your mouth, and then hear them hang on the air.

Here’s what you say:

“Roscoe and I didn’t have wine, so y’all can split that and leave us out of it.”

Man, oh, man, how I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that happens. Sorry. I was assuming this was a Denny’s, but then I remembered the “fine wine” thing.

Their jaws will drop and they’ll be shocked that, after many months of sticking you with a third of the fancy wine you didn’t drink, the metaphorical scales have fallen from your eyes. Crappidy-doo-dah. Game over.

You see, they’ve been wondering what is wrong with you for all this time anyway. Are you so desperate for friends that you have to buy them? Because that’s what you’re doing every time you meekly fork over your credit card for your third of the bill. We’re done here.

Almost …

Is there anything more agonizing than hearing a humiliating recitation of everything you’ve eaten by the number-crunching weirdo in your party?

“Madge, you had the arugula-beet salad, but you added on the gorgonzola crumbles for a dollar seventy-five, so … your share comes to…”

It is just such a terrible end to what could have been a lovely lunch or dinner. To hear your every lamb lollipop recounted (two at $11.95 each…) is simply horrifying.

The rule is simple: separate checks if appropriate (that means a party of six or fewer) and, for larger groups, a commitment to accepting that the bill should be split evenly.

There’s often an outlier, of course. There’s the pale friend who must have everything “gluten-free” or she will double over and collapse in a tower of her own shit mid-meal. This is always such a downer for the rest of the table. Maybe you could ask her to sit elsewhere? Like Indiana?

While we’re still in the restaurant, so to speak, let’s take a moment to remind one another that the waiter is there to do a job, not to hear about your “gastric bypass,” “lactose intolerance,” “gastroesophageal reflux,” “homoerotica fantasies,” and the like.

He or she also doesn’t need to hear that if he accidentally gives you caffeinated coffee, your heart will fly out of your chest and sit on the table, thumping away, while all you and your lunch companions can do is watch until it finally, mercifully, stops.

Here’s a tip: They don’t care about your coffee preference. They asked you only because you expected it. The truth is, you’ll get decaf if it’s convenient, and if it’s not, well, that’s a mighty fine-looking aorta you got there.

Remember that it’s important to tip generously, especially if you ever plan to return. Servers remember the cheap creep that ran ’em ragged and left a cool ten-spot for a hundred-dollar meal. You know who you are. For the love of Bobby Flay, tip for good service, tip for lousy service, just tip. Some of y’all can be pretty demanding.

Example: “We need more bread. And when you get back, I’m going to think up a few other things we need, but I’m only going to list them one at a time so you have to make a bunch of trips.”

Just remember: These servers can do awful things to your food right before it comes out. Awful things.

That’s Not a Salad Fork, You Stupid Bitch

A lot of people get confused when they’re in a nice restaurant and there are, like, a million forks surrounding their plates.

There’s no reason to fret. Generally speaking, silver is placed in the order of its use, so you pick up the piece on the outside first. See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?

When you’ve finished eating (or, as we say in the South, “had a sufficiency”), avoid announcing this by saying, loudly, “Damn, I’m stuffed!” or worse, “I’m chewin’ high.” There’s no need to announce the state of your stomach. No one is interested, and the notion that you need to give alerts—as though, if you lifted your shirt, a fuel gauge just like your car has would be revealed with a wand wavering between E and F—is truly off-putting. Along these lines, never, ever burp and then say “Yay! Room for more!”

That said, when you’re finished, really finished, not just talking about how full you are and continuing to shovel it in, place your fork on your plate, prongs down, beside your knife with the blade facing the fork. I am, too, serious. Good table etiquette is all that separates us from Kardashians—er, savages.

Some other tips … Always break bread with your fingers; never cut it with a knife. The bread knife is just for buttering and is also dreadfully unhandy for stabbing intruders; trust me.

A word about artichokes: Don’t ever order them. Nobody looks good sucking on leaves. Not even a koala bear, and damn sure not you.

Know your limits: Don’t order lobster, tails-on shrimp, Cornish game hen, and so forth, in a nice restaurant. You’re going to look like a doofus no matter how hard you try not to, and it honestly doesn’t help when you insist “I eat this shit all the time. Really.” Ditto ordering something you don’t know how to pronounce.

Good: “French onion soup.”

Bad: “Duck cawn-fit.”

A word about finger bowls: Okay, don’t freak out when you see one for the first time, Gomer. And don’t take a bath in it, either. Just dab the tips of your fingers in the bowl, and for the love of God, don’t try to make a joke by also dabbing at your underarms and crotch.

Okay, maybe the underarms. That’s actually pretty funny sometimes.

Don’t talk with your mouth full. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Now. Since you drove …

 

Copyright © 2013 by Celia Rivenbark

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 8 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 8 Customer Reviews
  • Posted October 28, 2013

    INITIAL THOUGHTS Upon approaching reading this I Was hoping for

    INITIAL THOUGHTS
    Upon approaching reading this I Was hoping for a laugh out loud funny book about etiquette on some very modern day dilemma's as well as some older etiquette issues too.
    At 90% - my thoughts were - the book certainly delivers the laughs and cringes as well as the odd OMG I do that! moments. A great light laughter inducing read.




    MY REVIEW
    I fancied a light hearted read and saw this one on Netgalley, so? I requested it and was lucky enough to receive an e-copy in exchange for my honest review.
    So the cover is also on the comedic side and quite attractive. Would I pick it up in a book store? Yes I think I would. 
    So the book is a great collection of dilemma's and the correct way to handle them. There's everything from how and when you should reply to RSVP's to how to get rid of dinner guests that don't know when it's time to go home!
    It really is laugh out loud funny. It took me longer to read the book as the tears flowed down my cheeks as I was laughing so hard. Another reason I took so long in reading the book was the fact that I had my daughter and my mum asking what I was laughing at and had to keep reading out sections to them!
    This book is fantastic to dip in and out of, to carry about or read on a long boring journey. 
    This review looks really short, however, that is not a bad reflection on the book. It's just I do not wish to give away the books brilliant contents.
    So did I enjoy the book? I really, really did yes! Would I recommend the book? I highly recommend it. In fact it would be ideal as a gift to someone ill in hospital etc. A definite cheer me up book.Would I read a Bk#2? Definitely! Would I read more books by this Author? I certainly intend to I find her humor infectious and very much in line with my own.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 22, 2014

    Our book club read this book, and I was a tad apprehensive as I

    Our book club read this book, and I was a tad apprehensive as I began to read it. I have read her columns for years, and while I always enjoy them, Celia is sometimes a little too edgy for me. In person as a speaker, Celia is delightful, insightful and laugh out loud funny without the cringe factor. This book was a great surprise. She really does give wonderful, useful, thoughtful and hilarious advice that probably would have been even funnier if she had been reading it to me. I shall replace my Emily Post immediately.

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  • Posted March 2, 2014

    more from this reviewer

    Celia Rivenbark delivers hilarious advice for all sorts of socia

    Celia Rivenbark delivers hilarious advice for all sorts of socially awkward situations. I have the benefit of reading Rivenbark's column in our local newspaper, and many times I don't find it particularly amusing. I sometimes find her column, well, frankly, rude, so I found the book's title pretty ironic. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised. My husband thought I was nuts because I kept laughing out loud.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 19, 2014

    LOL funny

    I bought this book based on the title alone. She is hilarious sndvspot on! A must read!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 22, 2013

    Miss Celia has written words that we all think but very rarely v

    Miss Celia has written words that we all think but very rarely verbalize!!!. I've lived in N.Y., LA, and now "little ole




    Leland" and the book with its contents are universal. As "they" say you go girl. Keep on writing . your humor is great.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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    Posted January 9, 2014

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    Posted November 3, 2013

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    Posted November 15, 2013

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