Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

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More About This Book

Overview

Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person.
It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply.

Scores of books have been written that offer guidance for building the marriage of your dreams. But what if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy . . . but holy? And what if your relationship isn't as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?

Everything about your marriage—everything—is filled with prophetic potential, with the capacity for discovering and revealing Christ's character. The respect you accord your partner; the forgiveness you humbly seek and graciously extend; the ecstasy, awe, and sheer fun of lovemaking; the history you and your spouse build with one another—in these and other facets of your marriage, Sacred Marriage uncovers the mystery of God's overarching purpose.

This book may very well alter profoundly the contours of your marriage. It will most certainly change you. Because whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savor of Christ.

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780310242826
  • Publisher: Zondervan
  • Publication date: 2/1/2002
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 304
  • Sales rank: 37,454
  • Age range: 18 years
  • Product dimensions: 5.40 (w) x 8.40 (h) x 0.90 (d)

Meet the Author

Gary Thomas is a writer in residence at Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, and an adjunct faculty member teaching on spiritual formation at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon. He is the author of several books, including Sacred Marriage, Sacred Pathways, Pure Pleasure, Sacred Parenting, and the Gold Medallion Award-winning Authentic Faith. SPANISH BIO: Gary Thomas es escritor residente en la iglesia Second Baptist de Houston y Profesor asociado en el Seminario Western en Portland, Oregon. Es autor de mas de una docena de libros, incluyendo Matrimonio sagrado, Placer puro y el ganador del Golden Medallion, Fe Autentica.

Table of Contents

CONTENTS
1. The Greatest Challenge in the World...11
A Call to Holiness More Than Happiness
2. Finding God in Marriage...27
Marital Analogies Teach Us Truths About God
3. Learning to Love...39
How Marriage Teaches Us to Love
4. Holy Honor....53
Marriage Teaches Us to Respect Others
5. The Soul's Embrace....73
Good Marriage Can Foster Good Prayer
6. The Cleansing of Marriage...89
How Marriage Exposes Our Sin
7. Sacred History....103
Building the Spiritual Discipline of Perseverance
8. Sacred Struggle....127
Embracing Difficulty in Order to Build Character
9. Falling Forward...153
Marriage Teaches Us to Forgive
10. Make Me a Servant....179
Marriage Can Build in Us a Servant's Heart
11. Sexual Saints...199
Marital Sexuality Can Provide Spiritual Insights and Character Development
12. Sacred Presence...227
How Marriage Can Make Us More Aware of God's Presence
13. Sacred Mission....247
Marriage Can Develop Our Spiritual Calling,
Mission, and Purpose Epilogue: The Holy Couple...265
Notes...269

First Chapter

ONE THE GREATEST CHALLENGE IN THE WORLD A CALL TO HOLINESS MORE THAN HAPPINESS By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
—Socrates Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will,
any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.
—W. H. Auden I'm going to cut him open.
Historians aren't sure who the first physician was who followed through on this thought, but the practice revolutionized medicine.
The willingness to cut into a corpse, peel back the skin, pull a scalp off a skull, cut through the bone, and actually remove, examine, and chart the organs that lay within was a crucial first step in finding out how the human body really works.
For thousands of years physicians had speculated on what went on inside a human body, but there was a reluctance and even an abhorrence to actually dissect a cadaver. Some men refrained out of religious conviction; others just couldn't get over the eeriness of cutting away a human rib cage. While an occasional brave soul ventured inside a dead body, it wasn't until the Renaissance period
(roughly the fourteenth to the sixteenth century) that European doctors routinely started to cut people open.
And when they did, former misconceptions collapsed. In the sixteenth century, Andreas Vesalius was granted a ready supply of criminals' corpses, allowing him to definitively contradict assumptions about the human anatomy that had been unquestioned for a thousand years or more. Vesalius's anatomical charts became invaluable,
but he couldn't have drawn the charts unless he was first willing to make the cut.
I want to do a similar thing in this book—with a spiritual twist.
We're going to cut open numerous marriages, dissect them, find out what's really going on, and then explore how we can gain spiritual meaning, depth, and growth from the challenges that lie within.
We're not after simple answers—
three steps to more intimate communication,
six steps to a more exciting love life—because this isn't a book that seeks to tell you how to have a happier marriage.
This is a book that looks at how we can use the challenges, joys,
struggles, and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character.
We're after what a great Christian writer, Francis de Sales, wrote about in the seventeenth century. Because de Sales was a gifted spiritual director, people often corresponded with him about their spiritual concerns. One woman wrote in great distress, torn because she very much wanted to get married while a friend was encouraging her to remain single, insisting that it would be 'more holy' for her to care for her father, and then devote herself as a celibate to God after her father died.
De Sales put the troubled young woman at ease, telling her that,
far from being a compromise, in one sense, marriage might be the toughest ministry she could ever undertake. 'The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other,' he wrote. 'It is a perpetual exercise of mortification. . . . From this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life.'1
Notice that de Sales talks about the occasionally 'bitter nature' of marriage's 'juice.' To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. We also have to rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of marriage can be overcome if we simply pray harder or learn a few simple principles.
Most of us have discovered that these 'simple steps' work only on a superficial level. Why is this?
Because there's a deeper question that needs to be addressed beyond how we can 'improve' our marriage:
What if God didn't design marriage to be 'easier'? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort,
and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?
What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? What if, as de Sales hints, we are to accept the 'bitter juice'
because out of it we may learn to draw the resources we need with which to make 'the honey of a holy life'?
Romanticism's Ruse If this sounds like a radically different view of marriage, it's important to remember that the very concept of 'romantic love,' which is so celebrated in movies, songs, and cheap paperbacks, was virtually unknown to the ancients. There were exceptions—one need merely read the Song of Songs, for instance—but taken as a whole, the concept that marriage should involve passion and fulfillment and excitement is a relatively recent development on the scale of human history,
making its popular entry toward the end of the eleventh century.2
C. S. Lewis—whose marriage to an ailing woman was seen as somewhat 'odd' by many of his contemporaries—explained that such a monumental shift in cultural thought as the development of romantic love is 'very rare—there are perhaps three or four on record—but I believe that they occur, and that this [romantic love]
is one of them.'3
This is not to suggest that romance itself or the desire for more romance is necessarily bad; good marriages work hard to preserve a sense of romance. But the idea that a marriage can survive on romance alone, or that romantic feelings are more important than any other consideration when choosing a spouse, has wrecked many a marital ship.
Romanticism received a major boost by means of the eighteenthcentury Romantic poets—Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Blake—
followed by their successors in literature, Byron, Shelley, and Keats.
These poets passionately argued that it was a crime against oneself to marry for any reason other than 'love' (which was defined largely by feeling and emotion), and the lives of many of them were parodies of irresponsibility and tragedy.
One of the writers who embraced this romantic notion with fervor was the sensuous novelist D. H. Lawrence, whose motto was 'with should and ought I shall have nothing to do!' Lawrence fell in love with Frieda Weekley, a married woman, and sought to woo Frieda away from her husband, as his 'love' demanded he do. As part of his less-than-noble designs, Lawrence sent Frieda a note, proclaiming that she was the most wonderful woman in all of England.
Being married with three children and having already suffered a couple of affairs, Mrs. Weekley saw through Lawrence's emotion and coolly replied that it was obvious to her he had not met many Englishwomen.4
Earlier in this century, Katherine Anne Porter bemoaned how
'romantic love crept into the marriage bed, very stealthily, by cen-
turies, bringing its absurd notions about love as eternal springtime and marriage as a personal adventure meant to provide personal happiness.'
The reality of the human condition is such that, according to Porter (and I agree), we must 'salvage our fragments of happiness'
out of life's inevitable sufferings.

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 46 )

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 49 Customer Reviews

  • Anonymous

    Posted May 30, 2009

    Absolute must have for all Christian Couples

    This book was recommended to my fiance by her professors at college. Since I am in the military and have little time for pre-marital counseling we decided to read and discuss this book together as an attempt to make up for that loss. To give the reader a more accurate view of how this book affected me I will let you know a little about myself. I tend to be a very Type "A" kind of guy, who very readily falls into being a male chauvinist. I always believed that a man should love his wife as Christ loved the Church but for some reason, what that truly meant just never sunk in. After reading Sacred Marriage I definitely feel as though I am more aware of how to truly love my wife. I have a long way to go but this book has definitely helped with my understanding of scripture and how to apply it to my life. I have and will continue to recommend this book to every christian (single or married) that I meet. I hope it makes its way into every Christian home and finds open hearts willing and ready to repent.

    -in Him

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 21, 2007

    Be ready for the truth!

    My marriage had been dying a long painful death and I didn't even know it. When a friend of mine, who God used to open my eyes and heart, gave me this book, I learned that when I pointed a finger at what my husband had done and was doing, I was pointing 3 at myself. I learned, slowly and painfully that I was at fault as well. I was not the wife God required me to be and the partner my husband needed. There were times I had to put the book down because the truth was killing me,yet it has helped me realize that we can only change ourselves when we truly see what we are and we must stand back, develop a close relationship with our Father and let him work his wonders on our spouses....

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 11, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    9781881273158

    Totally changed my view of marriage

    I had owned Sacred Marriage and read it before, but I misplaced my copy. After buying it again, I led our Family Life department at church in a seminar about the book. I find Gary Thomas's views challenging, but I think he's on to something. This book is not easy to read, but if you stick it out, I believe that you will learn a lot.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 29, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Interesting, but helpful take on marriage

    My women's group used this book to guide discussions on a weekly basis for about six months. The group contained women with kids, without kids, single, divorce, remarried, widowed, and with traditional marriages. Everyone got something out of the discussions that took place despite their current situation. The author uses a lot of examples to try to get points across. Some are better than others, but all were helpful in getting the discussion going. The one chapter we lingered on the longest was the chapter on sex in marriage. This book speaks plainly about a lot of issues that people deal with in marital relationships. The only weakness I can see is that in a marriage where the wife is a Christian and the husband is abusive or hostile towards Chrisitianity, the advice given could be more harmful than helpful - especially the one on serving. As long as the two people in marriage are relatively equal in regards to their care and concern for each other, the advice given should help their marriages tremendously. Overall, this was a fabulous attempt to conquer difficult subjects. No one can write something that will fit all situations, so this author did a great job reaching the majority of his readers.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 17, 2005

    Excellent Read!

    Gary Thomas provides the reader with an awesome opportunity to view one's marriage against the standard of what the Bible says that marriage is based: holiness and servanthood before God first - there is natural flow into our marriages. I've read this book twice, each time with additional notes and comments, virtually on every page. If we understand what Gary Thomas say about loving God, you cannot help but love your spouse. Each is intertwined.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 31, 2005

    Superb

    A beautiful combination of how-to advice with spiritual underpinnings. Nicely written, very thought-provoking. The author knows what he is talking about. Dr. Paul Coleman, author of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy'

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 17, 2011

    Highly Recommended

    We are using this in our small group and it is great to be able to access it electronically on my Nook or my Droid 2.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 3, 2011

    FABULOUS!

    This book not only is awesome but for becoming a couple motivated by Christ's love. By focusing on God's grace as the impetus behind loving others, this book helps one to be in tuned to God's plan for marriage/relationship. This is a must-read!

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  • Posted May 26, 2011

    Excellent

    So far I am up to chapter nine. This book teaches us what we can learn from marriage and how God uses marriage to help form us into who we can and should be. I am really liking this book. I have been casually studying marriage by talking to my married friends for years before I actually got married myself. This book has taken my "casual study" to the next level and brings more of a biblical perspective to it. If anyone is interested in the lessons that we can learn from marriage, I would reccomend this book.

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  • Posted February 20, 2010

    helpful for marital situations and for personal ones!

    Great book. Thomas helps you realize that marriage is not just about what you get from it: pleasure, happiness, companionship, but its about how well you can follow God's marital arrangement. He helps you see what God meant for marriage to be like and how you can please God by following his commandments and requirements. Everything else you get from marriage is a bonus!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 29, 2009

    ridiculous

    This book is absurd, just bought it because my dad wanted it. don't spend your money on this

    0 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 2, 2007

    A reviewer

    Gary Thomas gives Christians a great perspective on marriage. My husband and I read it together and recommend it to all our friends.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 21, 2003

    Bringing God back into the Marriage Contract

    Thomas rightly resizes the Christian Marriage model gone astray. 'Love your neighbor as yourself'-your spouse is your nearest neighbor....Excellent work, tough to apply.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 1, 2002

    After 39 years!

    Reading Sacred Marriage helped me process and accept things in my 39-year old marriage that I should have processed years ago. Thomas has a deep, Biblical and practical perspective. I gave a copy to my pastor and my son. Don't miss this book, no matter how many years you've been married.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 11, 2001

    *Excellent!* Not your typical '3-steps to a happier marriage'

    Thomas gets to the true heart of marital issues with a great balance of scripture, 'real people' examples, honesty, humor, and an invitation to your own soul-searching. You will get as much from this book as you are willing to apply. We have an extensive personal library of books on Christian marriage, and this work outshines them all -- by far! An added bonus? It's brilliantly written and a joy to read. My highest recommendation.

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    Posted December 31, 2009

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    Posted January 21, 2010

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    Posted August 2, 2011

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