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Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

4.4 60
by Gary L. Thomas

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Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person.
It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply.

Scores of books have been written that offer guidance for building the marriage of your dreams. But what if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy .


Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person.
It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply.

Scores of books have been written that offer guidance for building the marriage of your dreams. But what if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy . . . but holy? And what if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?

Everything about your marriage--everything--is filled with prophetic potential, with the capacity for discovering and revealing Christ’s character. The respect you accord your partner; the forgiveness you humbly seek and graciously extend; the ecstasy, awe, and sheer fun of lovemaking; the history you and your spouse build with one another--in these and other facets of your marriage, Sacred Marriage uncovers the mystery of God’s overarching purpose.

This book may very well alter profoundly the contours of your marriage. It will most certainly change you. Because whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savor of Christ.

Product Details

Publication date:
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Product dimensions:
5.44(w) x 8.44(h) x 0.81(d)
Age Range:
18 Years

Read an Excerpt

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will,
any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.
---W. H. Auden
I'm going to cut him open.
Historians aren't sure who the first physician was who followed through on this thought, but the practice revolutionized medicine.
The willingness to cut into a corpse, peel back the skin, pull a scalp off a skull, cut through the bone, and actually remove, examine, and chart the organs that lay within was a crucial first step in finding out how the human body really works.
For thousands of years physicians had speculated on what went on inside a human body, but there was a reluctance and even an abhorrence to actually dissect a cadaver. Some men refrained out of religious conviction; others just couldn't get over the eeriness of cutting away a human rib cage. While an occasional brave soul ventured inside a dead body, it wasn't until the Renaissance period
(roughly the fourteenth to the sixteenth century) that European doctors routinely started to cut people open.
And when they did, former misconceptions collapsed. In the sixteenth century, Andreas Vesalius was granted a ready supply of criminals' corpses, allowing him to definitively contradict assumptions about the human anatomy that had been unquestioned for a thousand years or more. Vesalius's anatomical charts became invaluable,
but he couldn't have drawn the charts unless he was first willing to make the cut.
I want to do a similar thing in this book---with a spiritual twist.
We're going to cut open numerous marriages, dissect them, find out what's really going on, and then explore how we can gain spiritual meaning, depth, and growth from the challenges that lie within.
We're not after simple answers---
three steps to more intimate communication,
six steps to a more exciting love life---because this isn't a book that seeks to tell you how to have a happier marriage.
This is a book that looks at how we can use the challenges, joys,
struggles, and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character.
We're after what a great Christian writer, Francis de Sales, wrote about in the seventeenth century. Because de Sales was a gifted spiritual director, people often corresponded with him about their spiritual concerns. One woman wrote in great distress, torn because she very much wanted to get married while a friend was encouraging her to remain single, insisting that it would be 'more holy' for her to care for her father, and then devote herself as a celibate to God after her father died.
De Sales put the troubled young woman at ease, telling her that,
far from being a compromise, in one sense, marriage might be the toughest ministry she could ever undertake. 'The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other,' he wrote. 'It is a perpetual exercise of mortification. . . . From this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life.'1
Notice that de Sales talks about the occasionally 'bitter nature' of marriage's 'juice.' To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. We also have to rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of marriage can be overcome if we simply pray harder or learn a few simple principles.
Most of us have discovered that these 'simple steps' work only on a superficial level. Why is this?
Because there's a deeper question that needs to be addressed beyond how we can 'improve' our marriage:
What if God didn't design marriage to be 'easier'? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort,
and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?
What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? What if, as de Sales hints, we are to accept the 'bitter juice'
because out of it we may learn to draw the resources we need with which to make 'the honey of a holy life'?
Romanticism's Ruse
If this sounds like a radically different view of marriage, it's important to remember that the very concept of 'romantic love,' which is so celebrated in movies, songs, and cheap paperbacks, was virtually unknown to the ancients. There were exceptions---one need merely read the Song of Songs, for instance---but taken as a whole, the concept that marriage should involve passion and fulfillment and excitement is a relatively recent development on the scale of human history,
making its popular entry toward the end of the eleventh century.2
C. S. Lewis---whose marriage to an ailing woman was seen as somewhat 'odd' by many of his contemporaries---explained that such a monumental shift in cultural thought as the development of romantic love is 'very rare---there are perhaps three or four on record---but I believe that they occur, and that this [romantic love]
is one of them.'3
This is not to suggest that romance itself or the desire for more romance is necessarily bad; good marriages work hard to preserve a sense of romance. But the idea that a marriage can survive on romance alone, or that romantic feelings are more important than any other consideration when choosing a spouse, has wrecked many a marital ship.
Romanticism received a major boost by means of the eighteenthcentury
Romantic poets---Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Blake---
followed by their successors in literature, Byron, Shelley, and Keats.
These poets passionately argued that it was a crime against oneself to marry for any reason other than 'love' (which was defined largely by feeling and emotion), and the lives of many of them were parodies of irresponsibility and tragedy.
One of the writers who embraced this romantic notion with fervor was the sensuous novelist D. H. Lawrence, whose motto was 'with should and ought I shall have nothing to do!' Lawrence fell in love with Frieda Weekley, a married woman, and sought to woo Frieda away from her husband, as his 'love' demanded he do. As part of his less-than-noble designs, Lawrence sent Frieda a note, proclaiming that she was the most wonderful woman in all of England.
Being married with three children and having already suffered a couple of affairs, Mrs. Weekley saw through Lawrence's emotion and coolly replied that it was obvious to her he had not met many
Earlier in this century, Katherine Anne Porter bemoaned how
'romantic love crept into the marriage bed, very stealthily, by cen-
turies, bringing its absurd notions about love as eternal springtime and marriage as a personal adventure meant to provide personal happiness.'
The reality of the human condition is such that, according to Porter (and I agree), we must 'salvage our fragments of happiness'
out of life's inevitable sufferings.

Meet the Author

Gary Thomas is writer-in-residence (and serves on the teaching team) at Second Baptist Church, Houston, Texas and author of 18 books that have sold over a million copies worldwide and have been translated into a dozen languages. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 30 years.

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Sacred Marriage 4.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 60 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
My marriage had been dying a long painful death and I didn't even know it. When a friend of mine, who God used to open my eyes and heart, gave me this book, I learned that when I pointed a finger at what my husband had done and was doing, I was pointing 3 at myself. I learned, slowly and painfully that I was at fault as well. I was not the wife God required me to be and the partner my husband needed. There were times I had to put the book down because the truth was killing me,yet it has helped me realize that we can only change ourselves when we truly see what we are and we must stand back, develop a close relationship with our Father and let him work his wonders on our spouses....
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book was recommended to my fiance by her professors at college. Since I am in the military and have little time for pre-marital counseling we decided to read and discuss this book together as an attempt to make up for that loss. To give the reader a more accurate view of how this book affected me I will let you know a little about myself. I tend to be a very Type "A" kind of guy, who very readily falls into being a male chauvinist. I always believed that a man should love his wife as Christ loved the Church but for some reason, what that truly meant just never sunk in. After reading Sacred Marriage I definitely feel as though I am more aware of how to truly love my wife. I have a long way to go but this book has definitely helped with my understanding of scripture and how to apply it to my life. I have and will continue to recommend this book to every christian (single or married) that I meet. I hope it makes its way into every Christian home and finds open hearts willing and ready to repent. -in Him
MichelleSutton More than 1 year ago
My women's group used this book to guide discussions on a weekly basis for about six months. The group contained women with kids, without kids, single, divorce, remarried, widowed, and with traditional marriages. Everyone got something out of the discussions that took place despite their current situation. The author uses a lot of examples to try to get points across. Some are better than others, but all were helpful in getting the discussion going. The one chapter we lingered on the longest was the chapter on sex in marriage. This book speaks plainly about a lot of issues that people deal with in marital relationships. The only weakness I can see is that in a marriage where the wife is a Christian and the husband is abusive or hostile towards Chrisitianity, the advice given could be more harmful than helpful - especially the one on serving. As long as the two people in marriage are relatively equal in regards to their care and concern for each other, the advice given should help their marriages tremendously. Overall, this was a fabulous attempt to conquer difficult subjects. No one can write something that will fit all situations, so this author did a great job reaching the majority of his readers.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had owned Sacred Marriage and read it before, but I misplaced my copy. After buying it again, I led our Family Life department at church in a seminar about the book. I find Gary Thomas's views challenging, but I think he's on to something. This book is not easy to read, but if you stick it out, I believe that you will learn a lot.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Reading Sacred Marriage helped me process and accept things in my 39-year old marriage that I should have processed years ago. Thomas has a deep, Biblical and practical perspective. I gave a copy to my pastor and my son. Don't miss this book, no matter how many years you've been married.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
What I love most about this book is how the author reflects a real love for women. He treats them with respect and endeavors to understand or at the very least empathize with them. As a Christian in a difficult, but happy marriage, (husband is very ill) it was the uplifting and supportive guidance I needed at the right time. The author brings your focus from ones self to God's greater purpose of marriage if you allow it to be. Though convicting at times, it is not confrontational. It is a loving testament of someone who has spent a great deal of time reflecting on his own marriage, warts and all, and the study of what is written of marriage (past and present). It has help me to put my marriage in a healthy perspective that has forever changed me, for the better in my humble opinion.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Gary Thomas provides the reader with an awesome opportunity to view one's marriage against the standard of what the Bible says that marriage is based: holiness and servanthood before God first - there is natural flow into our marriages. I've read this book twice, each time with additional notes and comments, virtually on every page. If we understand what Gary Thomas say about loving God, you cannot help but love your spouse. Each is intertwined.
Guest More than 1 year ago
A beautiful combination of how-to advice with spiritual underpinnings. Nicely written, very thought-provoking. The author knows what he is talking about. Dr. Paul Coleman, author of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy'
Guest More than 1 year ago
Thomas gets to the true heart of marital issues with a great balance of scripture, 'real people' examples, honesty, humor, and an invitation to your own soul-searching. You will get as much from this book as you are willing to apply. We have an extensive personal library of books on Christian marriage, and this work outshines them all -- by far! An added bonus? It's brilliantly written and a joy to read. My highest recommendation.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
MontyGM More than 1 year ago
One of the best books I have read on marriage.
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a must-read for married and engaged couples...and those considering marriage. Gary Thomas is an outstanding writer, both in his writing style and his content. He's real, as well, sharing illustrations from his own life. This book will challenge the way you think about marriage and relationships. Counter to our culture, his compelling message is that marriage is about being (and becoming) the 'right' person rather than looking for or expecting to be married to the 'right' person.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Although short it is a beautiful, and strong message. Highly reccommend to everyone!!
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a great book. This was recommended to us by a couple who was administering our premarital counseling. To say this book is a great book is an understatement. His writing style is a little hard to follow at first. This book contains so much useful information for those seeking to get married, single individuals and those who have been married for years. It helped me to really analyze who I am and how I can love and serve my spouse more.
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EDJEGCMA More than 1 year ago
We are using this in our small group and it is great to be able to access it electronically on my Nook or my Droid 2.