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Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes, and Liars
By Jackie Mason HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2008
All right reserved.
In serious need of a couch . . .
We're not in the habit of making fun of the mentally ill, but is there any other way to explain what happened to one of the biggest and best-loved movie stars in the world?
Looking back, we probably should have seen it coming way back when he stripped down to his underwear, picked up a microphone, and then lip-synched on that couch. Anyone who could wriggle like that on a sofa without the slightest hint of shame was someone to be watched. And, possibly, medicated.
Granted, that first couch episode was for a movie role. But when you think about it, so was his recent trampoline session on Oprah. (And, really, didn't his mother teach him to keep his feet off somebody's couch?) This time around, Cruise was playing the part of a middle-aged man in love. His soon-to-be child bride—a girl who during the week of their engagement posed for the cover of Teen People—admitted that when she was younger she had a poster of Tom Cruise up in her bedroom. Personally, we believe it's a good rule to never date a girl who's younger than your oldest shirt.
Not that Cruise chases only the young; just the clueless. How is it that so many women can keep their eyes wide shut to this wackjob? It's not exactly a secret that he belongs to a cult—sorry, religion—calledScientology. These people actually believe that the earth was created by aliens (and they don't mean folks from Mexico).
As for their religion's founder, what's his basis for divinity? Was he born on Mount Olympus? Did wise men bring gifts when he was born? Did he see a burning bush? No, he wrote science fiction books.
We're all for religious tolerance—you want to worship Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock? Live long and prosper. But how much tolerance has Tom Cruise been showing lately?
He told poor Brooke Shields that she shouldn't be depressed after having a baby. And how does Top Schmuck know this fact? Did he go to medical school and not tell anyone? Did he even go to college? No, he knows this because, as he told Matt Lauer, he has studied "the history of psychiatry."
Ohhhhhh . . . well, why didn't you say so? That changes everything, Dr. Freud! In that case, we have the first patient for you. He's waiting right over here. In the mirror.
Excerpted from Schmucks! by Jackie Mason Copyright © 2008 by Jackie Mason. Excerpted by permission.
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