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Schmucks!: Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes, and Liars
     

Schmucks!: Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes, and Liars

by Jackie Mason, Raoul Felder
 

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Jackie Mason, one of the true kings of comedy, and his partner in crime, federal prosecutor and celebrity attorney Raoul Felder, go after America's lowlifes, scumbags, and everything else that really gets on their nerves.

This book spares no one. Politicians, sports stars, celebrities, corporations, publishers, crossing guards—they're all fair game. If

Overview

Jackie Mason, one of the true kings of comedy, and his partner in crime, federal prosecutor and celebrity attorney Raoul Felder, go after America's lowlifes, scumbags, and everything else that really gets on their nerves.

This book spares no one. Politicians, sports stars, celebrities, corporations, publishers, crossing guards—they're all fair game. If you are a scumbag, or just someone who Jackie and Raoul find annoying, there is a fair chance you are on the list.

Schmucks! combines Mason's and Felder's nails-to-the-wall political satire with insightful observations on the foibles of modern life to create material that will leave you crying with laughter.

Just a few of the Schmucks included are:

  • Bill Clinton
  • Mel Gibson
  • Barbra Streisand
  • Katie Couric
  • Barry Bonds
  • And a cast of hundreds

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780061842917
Publisher:
HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
10/13/2009
Sold by:
HARPERCOLLINS
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
256
Sales rank:
668,485
File size:
481 KB

Read an Excerpt


Schmucks!
Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes, and Liars

By Jackie Mason HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2008
Jackie Mason
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9780061126130

Chapter One

Tom Cruise

In serious need of a couch . . . 

We're not in the habit of making fun of the mentally ill, but is there any other way to explain what happened to one of the biggest and best-loved movie stars in the world?

Looking back, we probably should have seen it coming way back when he stripped down to his underwear, picked up a microphone, and then lip-synched on that couch. Anyone who could wriggle like that on a sofa without the slightest hint of shame was someone to be watched. And, possibly, medicated.

Granted, that first couch episode was for a movie role. But when you think about it, so was his recent trampoline session on Oprah. (And, really, didn't his mother teach him to keep his feet off somebody's couch?) This time around, Cruise was playing the part of a middle-aged man in love. His soon-to-be child bride—a girl who during the week of their engagement posed for the cover of Teen People—admitted that when she was younger she had a poster of Tom Cruise up in her bedroom. Personally, we believe it's a good rule to never date a girl who's younger than your oldest shirt.

Not that Cruise chases only the young; just the clueless. How is it that so many women can keep their eyes wide shut to this wackjob? It's not exactly a secret that he belongs to a cult—sorry, religion—calledScientology. These people actually believe that the earth was created by aliens (and they don't mean folks from Mexico).

As for their religion's founder, what's his basis for divinity? Was he born on Mount Olympus? Did wise men bring gifts when he was born? Did he see a burning bush? No, he wrote science fiction books.

We're all for religious tolerance—you want to worship Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock? Live long and prosper. But how much tolerance has Tom Cruise been showing lately?

He told poor Brooke Shields that she shouldn't be depressed after having a baby. And how does Top Schmuck know this fact? Did he go to medical school and not tell anyone? Did he even go to college? No, he knows this because, as he told Matt Lauer, he has studied "the history of psychiatry."

Ohhhhhh . . . well, why didn't you say so? That changes everything, Dr. Freud! In that case, we have the first patient for you. He's waiting right over here. In the mirror.



Continues...


Excerpted from Schmucks! by Jackie Mason Copyright © 2008 by Jackie Mason. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Well known and beloved around the world, the favorite entertainer of England's royal family, comedy legend Jackie Mason calls New York home, but lives on the road entertaining his many loyal, longtime fans and the legions of new fans he draws each year. Jackie and celebrity divorce lawyer Raoul Felder, whose battles run from Rudy Giuliani to Elizabeth Taylor and legions of dissatisfied spouses, have published the Survival Guide to New York and Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder's Guide to New York and Los Angeles Restaurants. Together they have also written columns for all the major New York newspapers and The Washington Times, and presently are featured in the Internet editions of the American Spectator, American Prowler, and Jewish World Review.

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