Read an Excerpt
Secret Life of a Vampire
"I don't want to die... again," Laszlo groaned.
Jack knelt beside Laszlo's sprawled body. "Can I fetch you anything? A warm cup of Type O?"
Laszlo covered his mouth. "Don't talk about food."
"Mi dispiace." Jack patted the Vamp on the shoulder, the only spot on the guy's shirt that wasn't soaked with spewed Blissky. Poor Laszlo. He'd only drunk one glass of the whiskey-flavored synthetic blood when everyone had toasted the groom, but obviously the little chemist was better at making Vampire Fusion Cuisine than ingesting it. He'd promptly thrown up all over himself.
There wasn't much anyone could do for the poor guy, so the bachelor party had raged on in full force while Laszlo rolled on the floor, his face clammy and pale.
"Shall I help you move to the couch?" Jack asked.
"I might get blood on it," Laszlo mumbled.
Jack frowned at the rich upholstery on the Louis XV-style furniture. "It's already stained." What a mess. How would he ever clean this up?
He rose to his feet with a growing sense of doom. It had seemed like a great idea when he'd reserved an Edwardian suite at the Plaza on Fifth Avenue to celebrate Ian MacPhie's last night as a bachelor. But now he realized the hotel's housekeeping service would wonder how an innocent party could produce so many bloodstains.
Things had gotten out of hand after Dougal arrived with his bagpipes. Ian had insisted on teaching everyone a Scottish jig. A dozen tipsy Vamps hopping around with glasses full of Blissky had resulted in a few collisions and even more stains on the carpet andfurniture.
And then the phone call had come. The ladies were at Romatech Industries having a bridal shower, though Jack had heard that Vanda was bringing a male stripper from her Vamp nightclub. The ladies' party had come to an abrupt halt when Shanna Draganesti had suddenly gone into labor.
Before teleporting to Romatech, Roman Draganesti had lamented that he was too inebriated to help his wife in her time of need. This had caused the other guys to rally around, declaring their undying support with a rowdy fight song. Then a dozen drunken male Vamps had teleported to Shanna's side to cheer her on to victory.
Jack grinned as he imagined Shanna's reaction, but the moment quickly faded. He had two hours before the sun rose to get this hotel suite back to normal. A noise from the adjoining bedroom drew his attention. Had one of the guys stayed behind? Good, he could use the help. He strode into the luxurious bedroom and frowned at the naked VANNA lying on the bed, dripping Bleer on the satin comforter.
That had been Gregori's bright idea. He'd arrived at the party toting two Vampire Artificial Nutritional Needs Appliances, otherwise known as VANNAs. The lifelike rubber females were sex toys in the mortal world, but for Vamps, they'd been modified with a battery-operated circulatory system. Gregori had filled the two sexy dolls with beer-flavored synthetic blood, and then he'd invited the guys to have a bite. From the looks of the lacy clothes strewn about, the guys had had more fun undressing VANNA than nibbling on her.
A man's voice drifted from the bathroom. "Oh, yeah, baby. Take it off!"
Jack knocked on the bathroom door. "The party's over."
"The party's never over for Dr. Phang." The door opened, revealing Phineas McKinney. "What's up, bro?"
The young black Vamp looked debonair in his maroon velvet smoking jacket and white silk cravat, although the cavalier effect was marred somewhat by his SpongeBob boxer shorts. Like any vampire, Phineas didn't reflect in the bathroom's gold-framed mirror, but the second VANNA did. The dark-tinted doll was sitting on the white marble vanity, wearing nothing but red silk panties and a silly grin on her face.
Jack was distracted for a moment when he noticed the words on Phineas's shorts. Ladies dig the Sponge. "Ah, sorry to interrupt."
Phineas's face turned a bit red. "I was just practicing, you know. When you're the Love Doctor, you gotta keep your mojo in top condition."
"I bet you do." Phineas grabbed the black VANNA off the vanity. Her legs jutted stiffly forward like a Barbie doll, and he pushed them down. "I heard you're a real Casanova."
"So they say," Jack muttered. He could never escape his famous father's reputation. "I suppose you were too busy to hear, but Shanna went into labor. All the guys left with Roman. Except Laszlo. He's still sick."
"No shit?" Phineas strode into the bedroom with the black VANNA clasped under his arm.
"The sun will rise soon, so we need to clean up."
Phineas glanced at the white VANNA on the bed in a pool of Bleer. "Damn, bro. We need professionals for this. How about Vampy Maids? They clean Roman's townhouse."
"That would be great. Can you ring them?"
"Don't remember their number, but they're in the Black Pages."
They would never find the vampire version of a telephone book in the Plaza hotel. "Do you—" Jack was interrupted by a loud knock on the door.
"Expecting someone?" Phineas's eyes lit up. "Maybe some real women?"
"NYPD," a male voice shouted. "Open the door, please."
Jack sucked in a deep breath. Merda.
"Hot damn," Phineas whispered. "It's the po-po." He looked around frantically. "We're in deep shit."
"Relax," Jack whispered back. "I'll use mind control to get rid of them."
"I don't do well with the police." Phineas backed away. "I'm outta here, man."
"You're leaving?" Jack winced as the pounding on the door grew louder.
"Open the door now!" the police officer yelled.Secret Life of a Vampire. Copyright © by Kerrelyn Sparks. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.