Table of Contents
1 The Nature of Self-Esteem 1
Causes and Effects
How to Use This Book
For the Therapist
2 The Pathological Critic 17
An Arsenal of Shoulds
The Origin of the Critic
Why You Listen to the Critic
The Role of Reinforcement
The Variable-Ratio Reinforcement Schedule
How the Critic Gets Reinforced
Catching Your Critic
3 Disarming the Critic 38
Unmasking His Purpose
Talking Back
Making Your Critic Useless Summary Chart
4 Accurate Self-Assessment 49
Self-Concept Inventory
Listing Your Weaknesses
Listing Your Strengths
A New Self-Description
Celebrate Your Strengths
5 Cognitive Distortions 68
The Distortions
Combating Distortions
6 Defusing Painful Thoughts 100
Watching Your Thoughts
Letting Go of Thoughts
Combining Watching, Labeling, and Letting Go
Distancing from the Critic
Example: Tony and the Three Questions
7 Compassion 109
Compassion Defined
Toward a Compassionate Mind
The Compassionate Response
The Problem of Worth
Affirming Your Worth
Compassion for Others
Empathy
8 The Shoulds 128
How Values Are Formed
The Tyranny of the Shoulds
Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values
How Shoulds Affect Your Self-Esteem
Discovering Your Shoulds
Challenging and Revising Your Shoulds
Cutting Off the Should
Atonement-When Shoulds Make Sense
9 Acting on Your Values 158
Life Domains
Ten-Weeks to Put Values into Action
Planning Committed Action
10 Handling Mistakes 172
Reframing Mistakes
The Problem of Awareness
Responsibility
The Limits of Awareness
The Habit of Awareness
Raising Your Mistake Consciousness
11 Responding to Criticism 188
The Myth of Reality
Responding to Criticism
Putting It All Together
12 Asking for What You Want 216
Your Legitimate Needs
Needs Versus Wants
Wants into Words
Distilling the Assertive Request
Whole Messages
13 Goal Setting and Planning 232
What Do You Want?
Selecting Goals to Work On: The First Cut
Selecting Goals to Work On: The Evaluation
Making Your Goals Specific
Making Mental Movies
Listing the Steps
Making a Commitment
Blocks to Achieving Goals
Insufficient Planning
Insufficient Knowledge
Poor Time Management
Unrealistic Goals
14 Visualization 257
Why Visualization Works
Visualization Exercises
Rules for Creating Effective Self-Esteem Visualizations
Self-Esteem Sessions
Special Considerations
15 I'm Still Not Okay 280
A Special Vulnerability
Protecting Against the Pain
Facing the Pain
The Option of Therapy
16 Core Beliefs 301
Identifying Core Beliefs
New Core Beliefs
17 Building Self-Esteem in Children by Judith McKay, RN 317
The Power of Parents
Parents as Mirrors Look at Your Child Listening
The Language of Self-Esteem
Praise
Correcting Your Child
Discipline
The Case Against Punishment
Make It Easy to Do It Right
Involve Your Child in Solving Problems
The Facts of Life-Consequences
Autonomy
Promoting Social Skills
Modeling Self-Esteem
Bibliography 357
