Secrets of a Mid-Life Mom

NAVPRESS

Chapter One

The Top Ten Secrets of Mid-Life Moms

Sally, forty-six and a mother of four, wrestles with the joys and challenges every mid-life mother faces, but she realizes she is at her best when she has support from friends.

"I just realized the other day I was at mid-life. My youngest is two. Chasing after him is just a small part of my very full day. Some days are harried, what with four kids, a business I work from home, shopping, housework, cooking, nurturing, and church responsibilities. Some days I want to stop the merry-go-round and run to the nearest beach with a good book and a big diet drink. But this is my life, so I want to live it well.

My secret is surrounding myself with positive people who have that "can-do" attitude. Sure I get tired (let's face it-I'm exhausted). But the community I feel with other mothers helps me through my trials and troubles. We share, don't compare, and bask in the journey together.

We also remind each other what's important: Surround yourself with friends, live your priorities, choose to live life with everything you've got. Watch and wait for God's next miracle in you. Our attitude is a choice we make every day."

Sally chooses to manage her complicated life with a positive attitude and a band of fellow sojourners who can share with her the secrets of their success. I try to do the same-and as I was writing this book, it quickly became obvious that my best resource was my friends. I could send out an e-mail asking mid-life-mom questions, and boom!-my mailbox was filled with honesty, wisdom, and truth I couldn't have paid for. When I was wrestling with a challenge, I could call up a mid-life mom buddy and we'd talk it out. In the mornings I walk with my LOT group-the Ladies on Track, as we call ourselves because we walk a track-and the time together always provides me with inspiration, food for thought, and a few laughs thrown in. Hanging out with this group really gave me the motivation and the raw material to write about mid-life moms.

I recently decided to host a brunch for some mid-life mothers who have made a huge difference in my life and who have been sharing their "secrets" with me all along. We talked about everything from fried nerves to fried chicken, from not being too chicken to say no, to bravely saying yes to our stage in life. Besides the celebration of our friendship, the purpose of this brunch was to boil down the essence of the whole mid-life mom thing. What were the best parts? Are there any downsides?

My "brunch bunch" laughed about articles and media reports describing the new trend of "older" mothers. From what they say, you'd think we spend all our time worrying about being old and sick by the time our kids are in college. Or that we're suffering through hellacious mid-life crises while pretending to be soccer moms. But at least as far as my friends are concerned, that's just not the case. All the moms I've talked to have definite strategies for making their lives work as well as possible. Do we always get it right? Not by a long shot! But for the most part, we realize we need to rely on God, each other, and the special strengths of "mid-life" to get us through. The brunch bunch boiled it down to The Top Ten Secrets of Mid-life Moms-and here they are.

Mid-Life Mom Secret 10

"Our friends keep us sane."

I've already mentioned the importance of friends, but I'm going to say right now that I think they're one of the best secrets of mid-life moms. They might not all be mid-life moms like you. You may not have a large circle-one or two good buddies will do. But we're more susceptible to depression, stress, and burnout when we haven't spent enough time nurturing friendships. Husbands and children may be higher on the priority list, but what husband is going to tell you honestly when that dress really does make you look fat? Face it, when you're getting whiny about the trials of your life, your friends will sympathize just the right amount before telling you to snap out of it-and you're just not going to take that from darling hubby! As Ecclesiastes 4:10 (CEV) says, "If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble."

Mid-life mom Kris has been learning the hard way the surprising importance of having friends with whom you share some life characteristics. At forty-two, she just gave birth to her fourth child. This in itself sets her apart from most of her similar-age friends, who have one or two children each, but the fact that she homeschools adds to the differences. This pregnancy has been fraught with emotional difficulties, as she has tackled the daily challenges of a large family and the homeschooling lifestyle, without the support of friends in a similar situation. Many times she has felt lost and alone, not because she doesn't have friends who love her, but because her particular circle of friends can't offer her the special kind of support that comes from having "been there." While Kris loves her pals, she is beginning to realize that she's going to have to actively pursue some new relationships in order to get the support she needs. She's looking into local mom's clubs, church groups, and homeschooling organizations, where she might find more moms who share similar daily circumstances. I think her story illustrates that God gives us friends not just to make life more fun, but because without them life can become excruciatingly difficult.

My brunch bunch agreed that our friendships are definitely one of the most important elements in making our lives work. We discussed the importance of carving out time for each other, whether by scheduling an occasional lunch, sharing a hobby, or setting aside fifteen minutes to chat. That's not always easy! But even a few stolen cell-phone moments of girl talk and a monthly mom's night out can do wonders to keep us on an even keel.

Mid-Life Mom Secret 9

"We spend time alone with God."

Sometimes in the midst of our busy schedules, it's difficult to focus on the number-one relationship in our lives: the one with Jesus Christ. Who can focus on Bible study with the kids clamoring for attention every minute? How can we possibly spend time in prayer when what we really need is a few more hours of sleep?

Well, I'm sorry to be the one to break the bad news, but the Lord doesn't grant any special dispensation for mothers, freeing us from the obligation to spend time in His Word and in conversation with Him. In fact, as desperate as our kids might seem for our attention, God wants our attention even more.

Now, I know there are countless books and devotionals out there to help you on your spiritual path. I'm not going to tell you how to spend your daily quiet time or how to structure your Bible reading. The main thing I want to get across is: Just do it! Whenever I am so frantic that I feel I can't possibly spare an extra ten minutes for the Lord, things just stay frantic and I can never seem to get on top of it. But when I finally break down, admitting my own insufficiency, and carve out a few minutes from my schedule each day to talk with the Lord and read some of His Word, I can't help but notice a difference. Sometimes it's a sense of the peace that passes understanding (see Philippians 4:7), and other times it's more concrete, like renewed energy or a solution to a problem. At the very least, I stay connected with God and I'm more apt to feel His presence throughout my day.

I heard this illustration a long time ago-I can't remember where, and if it appears in a book somewhere, my apologies to the writer-but it goes like this: Imagine you're in a room writing a book, using a typewriter. The hundred pages you've already written (and failed to put page numbers on-go figure) are stacked up on the desk. Suddenly a huge gust of wind comes in the window and starts blowing your papers all over the room. Now you're dashing wildly around the room, grabbing and smacking at papers, desperately trying to keep them in order and stop them from flying out the window. You're so busy snatching at pages you fail to see that if you would just stop your flailing for a moment, you could solve the problem: Shut the window! But of course, shutting the window means you'll have to stop grabbing and snatching for a moment, and that's scary, because what if something gets away?

Taking time out with Jesus is the same as shutting the window. Yes, you'll have to stop all your frenetic activity for a few minutes, and you're terrified that if you stop, everything will fall apart. But that little break could be the key to stopping all the pieces of your life from flying everywhere. The sense of peace that begins to infuse your spirit can make the frantic moments of your day so much easier to handle. The bottom line is this: Focusing on our relationship with God centers us in what's most important, giving us the solid foundation necessary to provide a secure environment for our children.

Mid-Life Mom Secret 8

"Our families are our top priority."

Clearly, one of the hallmarks of mid-life motherhood is an active, busy life. But even with so many people and activities competing for our attention, it's plain to most of us that our families are the top dogs in our lives, second only to our relationship with God. Still, it's one thing to say it, but another thing altogether to actually live it. Many of us have had the experience of paying lip service to the importance of family but spreading ourselves so thin that our family basically gets the leftovers. My group of friends thought it was interesting to note that no matter what else was going on in life, the times when things seemed to be "clicking" were the times when we really put our families first. My friend Susan explained, "When I put my children first, I have no questions as to if I'm doing the right thing for my family." During times when something else is taking up our time-employment, church activities, volunteer work-there seems to be a nagging feeling that things just aren't right.

All the moms in my brunch bunch had careers prior to having children, and many of my friends still maintain their professional lives to some extent now that they have families. But to make our lives really work, we all agreed we had to reorder the importance of work. As mid-life mom Robbie put it, "One good thing for mid-life moms is that many of us have had our careers. Knowing what the world is like out there tends to make us more satisfied with life right here at home. It's easy to fantasize and glorify the working world if you've never been there."

There are times when the children need to come first, times when the marriage relationship needs to come first, and times when the needs of one family member are most urgent. But we all agreed that the love of family and making family a lifelong priority are the secrets to making mid-life happy.

Mid-Life Mom Secret 7

"We have more wisdom."

Okay, not that we're trying to toot our own horns or anything, but the obvious corollary to being older is being wiser. Do we always feel wise? As my daughter would say-"Not!" Years ago, I remember looking at ladies in their forties and thinking how smart and spiritual they must be. Most days, I feel neither smart nor spiritual, and all I can think is, How in the world did I get to be forty when I still feel eighteen?

But if we don't exactly feel like wisdom herself, just think how much different parenting would have been if we were only twenty-five. We appreciate our mid-life motherhood more when we realize the benefits of our years. Linda relates, "I'm smarter than I was in my twenties. I cook better, I make better decisions, I consider more options." Mid-life mom Becky confirms, "I've had the opportunity to grow up and find my way, and feel much better prepared to parent from a more mature place in my life. I feel I have far more to offer a child in my thirties and forties than I would have in my twenties."

That extra growing-up period provides a résumé of experiences we can bring to our parenting. Kelly says, "I'm glad I had the opportunity to travel, and time to develop my marriage relationship for years before I had children."

The wisdom of years also brings with it a stronger sense of stability. Julie explains, "I don't question my life like I did when I was younger. I'm not coping with being a mom and trying to find out who I am at the same time. I know who I am."

Mid-Life Mom Secret 6

"We have more patience."

When asked, "What's the best thing about being an older mother?" Becky says, "My capacity for patience has grown exponentially in the decades since I was twenty." Rochelle answers, "I have greater patience and a better understanding of myself and the world around me." Most mid-life moms list "more patience" as one of the best things about being an older mother. I have to laugh, because I know for a fact that sometimes we don't have much patience at all! Nevertheless, we know that we have more patience than we had fifteen years ago-a huge benefit of mothering at mid-life.

How did we develop this increased patience? As Robbie explains, "Waiting a very long time for a family made me more appreciative and better able to see what's important ... which battles to pick and what's realistic to expect from our children." Our lack of patience usually stems from the little things-the thirteenth spilled-milk in a week, the excruciating slowness of a four-year-old getting herself dressed. Then sometimes it's the bigger things-how long could it possibly take to potty train a child?! Why can't my five-year-old stop sucking his thumb? As mid-life moms, we're more aware of the fleetingness of childhood (see Secret 5), which increases our ability to put everything in perspective and let our kids be kids.

The dictionary defines patience as "bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint." So what we're saying here is: Mothering at mid-life is still a demanding, exhausting job. But at our advanced age, we've learned how to do it without (as much) whining.

Of course, patience springs directly from that other secret of mid-life moms: wisdom. Proverbs 19:11 tells us, "A man's wisdom gives him patience." As we mature as women and mature in Christ, our patience increases. We also know that patience is part of the fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22). This means that the more we are in tune with God and His will for our lives, hopefully the more patience we'll have. (I'm not making any promises, however. Personally, I have zero patience for television commercials, telemarketers, or anyone who cuts me off on the freeway.)

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Secrets of a Mid-Life Mom by Jane Jarrell Copyright © 2004 by Jane Jarrell. Excerpted by permission.
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