Sex Detox: Recharge Desire. Revitalize Intimacy. Rejuvenate Your Love Life

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Overview

From the New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First and Be Honest—You're Not That Into Him Either comes a revolutionary 30-day program to detoxify and rejuvenate your love life

The premise is simple: When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, sometimes we get in so deep the only way out is to start over again. For many of us—whether we're in a relationship, or actively dating in the hopes of finding that someone special—our love lives have become a source of ...

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Sex Detox: Recharge Desire. Revitalize Intimacy. Rejuvenate Your Love Life

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Overview

From the New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First and Be Honest—You're Not That Into Him Either comes a revolutionary 30-day program to detoxify and rejuvenate your love life

The premise is simple: When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, sometimes we get in so deep the only way out is to start over again. For many of us—whether we're in a relationship, or actively dating in the hopes of finding that someone special—our love lives have become a source of toxicity. Sex Detox offers a revolutionary way to start fresh and take action.

Just as a physical fast will rapidly alter your metabolism and natural body chemistry, so too will a sex or dating detox impact your mind and body, enabling you to reset, rewire, and ultimately rejuvenate your love life. In this practical, life-changing guide, Ian Kerner lays out a friendly, achievable 30-day course of action that will help you turn off the noise, take a necessary pause, and rebuild your love life from the inside out.

If you're in a relationship, you'll learn to see your sexual history not just as a series of physical encounters, but rather as a unique and vital part of your identity, which needs to be nurtured and fed in healthy ways. You'll experience the "thrill of the chaste" and learn how to touch your partner with a renewed sense of passion and possibility. If you're single, the dating detox will give you a chance to step off the dating treadmill, catch your breath, and recover inner strength for the road ahead. You'll recalibrate your aspirations to connect to potential mates from a place of strength and self-knowledge.

Whether you're single or coupled, Sex Detox will enable you to achieve the relationship results you deserve.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
With frequent media appearances and books like She Comes First and He Comes Next, Dr. Ian Kerner has won recognition as "the sex doctor to Generations X and Y." That reputation will be only reinforced by Sex Detox, a refreshingly candid take on relationships gone wrong. The co-host of the Discovery Health Channel's Love on the Rocks doesn't mince words about cleansing yourself of love poison before jumping recklessly into romantic waters. A sober, fun look at the aftermath of erotic intoxication.
New York Magazine
"In a town where everyone wants go down in history remembered for something, Ian Kerner wants to go down as the champion of going down."
People Magazine
"Love Sex and the City? Revisit the world of strategic dating with Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either."
Doctor - Drew Pinsky
"Men, while still lame, can no longer hide behind the old excuse of ignorance when it comes to pleasuring a woman—the facts are all here in this complete guide."
Cindy Chupack
"Required reading for all men who are dating and all women who are wondering why they’re not satisfied."
Jauretsi Saizarbitoria
"Take note, guys. This book is your secret weapon."
Joel Stein
"This book has an incredible amount of detailed, useful information about pleasuring women. I kind of knew I was doing everything wrong, but now I know why. Thanks Ian!"
Michele Weiner-Davis
"This well-written, hands-on, fluff-free book puts the ‘big-penis-big-orgasm’ theory to rest once and for all, and offers men the tools they need to have their partners coming back for more. No man or woman should be without it."
Amy Sohn
"Ian Kerner is that rare man who truly loves women and wants to help them. Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either is a smart and very funny guide to getting off your butt and getting back on the journey that will eventually lead you to someone who love
Anka Radakovich
"Women will be putty in your hands if you read this book!"
Sue Johanson
"You’ve all heard about ‘lunch at the Y.’ Well, this book will make it a feeding frenzy."
Helen Fisher
"It’s refreshing and reassuring to know that Ian Kerner is out there in the world showing people how to love."
Em & Lo
"Who knew that a temporary bout of celibacy could be so sexy? This book will gently hold your hand throughout the process, challenging you with questions you never dared ask yourself and inspiring you with stories and manageable to-do lists."
Stephanie Klein
"Kerner makes intimacy intimate again, as well as downright lustful. You’ll walk away trusting your instincts instead of subscribing to the fabricated ideas of what sexy ‘should’ be."
Jane Buckingham
“A funny and truly helpful look at what modern women may have forgotten (or just won’t admit) about themselves.
Elle.com
PRAISE FOR BE HONEST—YOU’RE NOT THAT INTO HIM EITHER“Unlike many nuptial-obsessed manuals, Be Honest is about figuring out how to best serve your own needs, both sexual and otherwise, and still respect yourself in the morning.
New York magazine
“In a town where everyone wants go down in history remembered for something, Ian Kerner wants to go down as the champion of going down.”
New York Post
"[Kerner] addresses common sexual concerns with compassion and straightforward advice."
New York Times
PRAISE FOR SHE COMES FIRST:“The sex manual getting the most attention these days is She Comes First. . . . With a cool sense of humor and an obsessive desire to inform, [Kerner] encourages men through an act that many find mystifying.
People
PRAISE FOR BE HONEST—YOU’RE NOT THAT INTO HIM EITHER:“Love Sex and the City? Revisit the world of strategic dating with Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either.
Us Weekly
"Witty and informed . . . this must-read promises to help you break your bad dating habits and stay true to your own intentions."
Cake
"Here comes a book that puts men in their places - smack dab in between women’s legs!"
Cosmopolitan
"Every man’s must-read. Tell your guy to put down the remote and pick up She Comes First."
Playgirl
"An entire book written strictly for the pleasure of women by a man. Hallelujah!"
Salon.com
"Armed with a doctorate in clinical sexology, Kerner has devoted his life to the study and practice of good sex-there are few men that wouldn’t benefit from the female-centric philosophy and techniques that Kerner advocates."
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780641892813
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 1/29/2008
  • Pages: 256
  • Product dimensions: 5.90 (w) x 9.10 (h) x 1.10 (d)

Meet the Author

Ian Kerner
"America's Sex Therapist," Ian Kerner, Ph.D., frequently works with couples to address issues that are common to the American bedroom but nonetheless lead to lives of quiet desperation. He is the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, which was selected by both Amazon.com and Borders as a Best of 2004 non-fiction title and has been translated into several languages around the world, as well as the New York Times bestseller Be Honest—You're Not That Into Him Either, DSI—Date Scene Investigation, and Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man. Kerner has appeared frequently on Today, contributes regularly to Cosmopolitan, and can also be found on AOL Coaches. He lives in New York City with his wife and two sons.
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Read an Excerpt

Sex Detox
Recharge Desire. Revitalize Intimacy. Rejuvenate Your Love Life.

Chapter One

Doing Without to Eventually Have It All

A program for everyone—couples, singles, or anyone anywhere in between

The premise of this book is simple: When it comes to sex and relationships, sometimes we get in so deep the only way out is to start over again.

For many of us—whether we're in a relationship or actively dating in the hopes of finding that someone special—our love lives have become a source of toxicity, rather than one of sustenance and renewal.

This program is a powerful way to take action in an area of your life that often lacks a clear point of entry: sex and relationships. Think about it: When you want to get in shape, you sign up for a gym membership; when you want to lose weight, you go on a diet; when you want to get out of credit card debt, you consider consolidation plans. But how do you start consolidating your love life?

If you're in a relationship, I'm going to ask you to take sex off the table for thirty days (and, yes, nights too) and give yourself over to the "thrill of the chaste." This is not to say that you can't or won't end up having sex in the days that ensue—after all, accidents happen, and hopefully they are ones with happy endings—but rather I implore you not to have the kind of sex that is joyless, soulless, or more of the same; bid farewell to the sex that is bereft of the passion, intimacy, and sense of loving connection that you crave and deserve. And if you're stuck in a rut and thinking to yourself that the last thing you needin your life right now is to be having even less sex, then consider this program the difference between slowly being starved to death in an environment that leaves you feeling desperate and powerless and actively choosing to undertake a diet that you know will result in your becoming a healthier, stronger person both inside and out.

But also know that you don't have to be in a relationship currently to benefit from this program: If you're one of the tens of millions of single people on the hunt for love, and you're feeling burnt out and bruised by the process, it's time to go on a dating detox—to take a break not only from any casual sex you may be having, but to stop dating altogether for the duration of this program and reset the relationship-results you seek.

Regardless of whether you're single, coupled, or somewhere in between, you only have one love life, and it's time to live it to the fullest.

The birth of an idea: to live and think in L.A.

Much of this book was written during what turned out to be one of the most romantic periods of my life: when I was doing a six-month production stint away from my family in Los Angeles. I know that doesn't sound terribly romantic, so perhaps I should explain.

I was filming a television program for the Discovery Health Channel that helped couples in long-term relationships overcome difficult hurdles. During this time, my wife Lisa and son Owen came out from New York to visit for long weekends, which never seemed long enough. In between, Lisa and I had resorted to "drastic measures"—naughty emails, breathy late-night phone calls—reminding me of exactly what I was missing on the sizzling island of Manhattan.

When I returned to New York, Lisa surprised me with a "welcome home" dinner, inviting a number of our closest friends. After we were mellowed on merlot and mingling, I half-jokingly asked one of my wife's oldest friends and her husband if they wanted to participate in my program of limiting sex to boost libido.

"Are you kidding me?" cracked Thea. "When it comes to not having sex, you could take our picture and put us on the cover of your book." Then they chuckled away their discontent with wine.

I turned to Steve, Thea's husband. "When was the last time you were able to feel close and connected to each other without feeling like there was something missing from your marriage, without being painfully aware of what was lacking?"

"Not since Brian was born. What was that, around three years ago, sweetie?" he replied, to which she nodded with sullen embarrassment.

So I seized the opportunity to explain. "What if you could turn that on its heels? Make not having sex sexy? What if instead of pretending you were exhausted or sick or too stuffed from dinner or watching a documentary on whale migration patterns, you could embrace and recharge your sense of intimacy by not having sex—you know, transform it into something you were not doing together?"

They were intrigued, so naturally I pressed: "What if the two of you became achingly aware of not touching each other, of not kissing, of not making love, to the point that one more moment of not being entangled in each other's arms made you feel like a tight coil ready to spring? What if instead of avoiding sex, you promised to ache in longing to revel in that first touch, that first kiss, to conjure up that extraordinary sense of self and mutual discovery you once felt as teenagers, but this time with each other?" (I might have been a little less eloquent than this at the time, but I was certainly as passionate!)

"That's a nice idea," said Steve, "but we all know that's impossible."

And that's when I told them: Not only was it possible, it was theirs for the taking. All it required was a decision—they had to be ready to rebuild their libidos from the inside out with that explosive sense of intellectual curiosity, emotional hunger, and physical longing that was present long before they'd begun to worry about mortgages, nursery schools, and love handles.

Sex Detox
Recharge Desire. Revitalize Intimacy. Rejuvenate Your Love Life.
. Copyright © by Ian Kerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
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Table of Contents

Preface: Food for Thought     xi
Getting Started
Doing Without to Eventually Have It All     3
The Science of the Detox     9
The Psychology of the Detox     14
Learning How to Read Your Love Map     22
The Couples' Detox
Couples Preparing for the Detox     27
The Couples' Detox     29
Starting Up (Days 1 to 5)     29
Your Sexual Health (Days 6 to 9)     44
Sexual Socialization (Days 10 to 15)     56
Previous Relationships (Days 16 to 20)     72
Navigating Your Love Map (Days 21 to 25)     85
The Here and Now (Days 26 to 30)     101
The Couples' Rejuvenation     117
The Singles' Detox
Background to the Singles' Detox     137
The Singles' Detox     139
Starting Up (Days 1 to 5)     141
Your Dating Health and Outlook (Days 6 to 10)     159
Influence and the Influencers (Days 11 to 15)     170
How You Date (Days 16 to 20)     183
What Do You Want in a Partner? (Days 21 to 25)     192
Ready, Steady, Go! (Days 26 to 30)     203
The Singles' Rejuvenation: Dating Inside Out     214
Acknowledgments     229
Index     231
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