Sex For Dummies

Sex For Dummies

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by Sabine Walter

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Try new sexual positions

The bestselling guide to a rewarding sex life and a deeper relationship

Looking for the straight facts on sex? In this friendly, authoritative guide, renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth gives you the latest on everything from oral sex and popular positions to new methods of birth control. She also debunks sex myths and covers


Try new sexual positions

The bestselling guide to a rewarding sex life and a deeper relationship

Looking for the straight facts on sex? In this friendly, authoritative guide, renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth gives you the latest on everything from oral sex and popular positions to new methods of birth control. She also debunks sex myths and covers new therapies to manage low libido, overcome sexual dysfunction, and enhance pleasure.

Praise for Dr. Ruth and Sex For Dummies

"Her energy level is higher than that of a charged particle."
–People Magazine

"Dr. Ruth writes the way she talks – enthusiastically, nonjudgmentally, and informatively. . . ."

"Her name and the distinctive thrill of her voice have become inextricably linked with the subject of sex."
–New York Times

Discover how to

  • Enjoy the first time
  • Enhance foreplay and afterplay with your partner
  • Avoid STDs and have safer sex
  • Discuss sex with your kids
  • Navigate cybersex

Editorial Reviews

Her image is synonymous with sex.
The perfect mating of form and content.
San Jose Mercury News
Dr. Ruth is the stealth fighter of sex education.

Product Details

Publication date:
For Dummies Series
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Barnes & Noble
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File size:
6 MB

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 20
Cybersex and Other Variations

In This Chapter

  • Sex online
  • Phone sex -- reach out and touch someone
  • Shock jocks and sex talk on the air
  • Sex on TV
  • Multiple partners

When teenagers first get their hands on a new dictionary, what are the first words they look up? And when high schoolers are handed out their biology textbooks on the first day of school, do they hunt right away for the picture of a frog? Of course not. That's why it wouldn't surprise me if some of you have turned to this chapter before reading any of the others.

Now I'm not going to scold you for doing that, because I never blame anyone for wanting to learn about any aspect of human sexuality. So, if you believe that this chapter is where your knowledge is weakest, then that's great.

I can't deny that I was the same way. When I was a little girl, I made a precarious climb to unlock a cabinet on the top shelf where my parents kept what was called in those days a marriage manual, which basically taught people about human sexuality. (My parents could have used that book before they were married because, ironically, the only reason that this little contraception-pusher is in the world is because they failed to use any.) By making an artificial mountain out of some chairs, I was not only taking the risk of getting caught, but I could easily have tumbled down and broken my neck. So I recognize that we are all curious about sexual matters, and the higher that cabinet is -- that is to say, the more forbidden it seems -- the stronger our interest and that's fine. But . . .

Even though reading about kinky acts, looking at pornographic pictures, using those thoughts as part of fantasy, and sometimes even sharing those thoughts with a partner can be helpful to good sexual functioning, actually engaging in what most of us consider deviant sexual behavior is another story. From my experience as a sex therapist, the end results just don't turn out positively. Although sex can be a wonderful part of the glue that holds a couple together, pushed to its extremes, sex can just as easily be the storm that tears them apart. Even if both partners willingly enter into the world of "extreme" sex, the odds are that they won't exit it together.

Sex creates very powerful feelings that need to be kept under control. In that respect, sex is very like the human appetites for such items as liquor, drugs, or gambling. For some people, all they need is one taste of it, and they plunge down the abyss called addiction. So, while I'm all for people having a glass or two of wine with dinner, you have to be aware that you may be one of those people who cannot have even one sip of alcohol without setting off a chain reaction that you can't control. I'm even more in favor of people enjoying sex than alcohol, but you have to understand that sex, too, can be abused.

The biggest dangers of going into the outer fringes of sexual behavior used to be that you might find your relationship left in ruins, or maybe a string of them destroyed. Nowadays, the dangers have been multiplied a hundredfold as the risks of catching an incurable, deadly disease lie just around the corner of most of these forms of sex.

My advice is to tread very carefully. Peek through that knothole in the fence if you want, but don't try to climb over it. That fence is there for a reason, and you should heed the warnings to keep out.

Cybersex: Sex and the Computer

I suppose that, since they've computerized everything else, sex isn't going to escape this revolution. And I have to admit that even I, a grandmother who doesn't know how to turn one of those computer contraptions on, have moved onto the information superhighway ("going online") with a CD-ROM version of my Encyclopedia of Sex.

When it comes to passing on information about sex, I say great. When it comes to other forms of what's been dubbed cybersex, I say maybe. You're an adult. You can decide for yourself. Just make sure that children are protected from inappropriate material (see Chapter 25).

The French minitels

Although the word Internet is on everybody's mind right now, the French were using computers to communicate many years before that revolution hit these shores. The French phone company launched a system of minitels, which are basically small computers that are used only to communicate. Quickly, young French people discovered that this was a good way of making new friends, and being French, naturally many of these new friendships turned into romances.

Chatting via computer is one step further removed from sex than speaking on the phone. With computers, not only are your looks removed, but even your voice. Some people also think that your soul is removed from the process, but that's another story.

Computer sex forums

The big advantage that computer sex forums offer is that they are organized according to subject matter. That means that you can quickly find other people who share your tastes and communicate with them, passing on ideas, places to go, and things to do. The Internet being absolutely without guidelines, when I say that you can chat about any topic, I mean any topic. Some of the names of these forums should give you a clue as to what's out there: "Pumps, Leather, S&M," "Water Sports," "Piercing," "Dressing for Pleasure," "Dominance and Submission Only," "Loop and Lash B&D," "Zoo Animal Lovers," "Ten Things Every Lesbian Should Know About Love and Sex," "Penis Names," and "Below the Ankles -- Feet." Had enough?

Although some people merely "listen" in to what others are saying in these forums, most people actively participate. Some are looking to find people who could be their friends and, if it turns into something more romantic or sexual, that's fine. Such people are no different than anyone who attends a singles dance or goes to a singles bar. Sometimes, these people end up meeting the person they've been communicating with, and sometimes it remains only a cyberfriendship.

Other people go online looking only for cybersex, which may frequently result in masturbation. When that is the main aim of the particular forum, it is called a J/O (for jerk off) session. The people who inhabit these forums regularly call themselves cybersluts -- and who am I to disagree?

Anonymity online

Before you go exploring cyberspace, I have some words concerning personal information: It's up to you how much personal information you want to share.

After meeting someone in one of these forums, you might decide to exchange phone numbers and talk, and then maybe even meet. If you're looking for a partner, it is certainly better to get to know someone in person rather than only via your computer.

The difference between a blind date with someone who comes recommended by a friend or member of your family and one in which you've only met in cyberspace is that the cyberdate could be putting on a completely false front and, while seeming quite nice, actually be psychotic. They may sound absolutely sane on the computer, but they could easily be hiding a darker side. I'm not telling you to be completely paranoid, because the vast majority of the people you'll meet will be absolutely normal, but, because some danger is lurking out there, a little paranoia is appropriate.

(This chapter has been abridged.)

Meet the Author

Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer is the author of 31 books, and she teaches at Yale University and Princeton University. Pierre A. Lehu has worked with Dr. Ruth for decades as publicist, writer, and friend.

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Sex for Dummies 2.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 27 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read a story of a girl who gave birth at 16...
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
If there was a blindfolded guy near me id pull down his pants and embarrass him
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Im 13 how old are you Were do live i live in urbana ohio 730 west light street
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
All of you guys are nasty. I think that sex is not goid at 16 at all.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Pull his pants down and his undys and look at his ass and start to play whith it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
One thought crossed my mind while reading (what the f**k am i reading)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Dr. Ruth's straight talk and use of proper terminlolgy gives you the sence of you first "adult talk" on an often misunderstood topic. She maintains her knowledge with fantastic sense of homer. Great for beginners and up dates for an ineresting discussion.
sashagrey More than 1 year ago
Even if you think you know what you are doing or have been doing it for a long time your bound to learn a new trick or two with this book. If you're interested in taking your game to the next level then you can't go wrong with this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Respond to virgin sex
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I agree it is awesome but their is one thing better then car and elevator sex and that is having sex on a metal desk or against a wall or pole
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Not for people under sixteen.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I disagree with the person who thought that elevator sex is gross. It is actually really fun. But I honestly think that car sex is better.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
You are entitled to your opinion but honestly how is haveing sex at 16 gross? I am 15 and i have had sex with my boyfriend who happens to be 16. I know it sounds very hard to believe but we are deeply in love. Having sex at 16 isnt gross you ignorant person. Its really just a matter of age. How the hell do you think you got here?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Ok ewwwwww and nate u must be desprate
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
U people are sick if u are having sex at 16