Read an Excerpt
Sextastic!
Improve Your Love Life in Seven Weeks
By Janalee Beck Balboa Press
Copyright © 2016 Janalee Beck
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-6843-8
CHAPTER 1
Week One Challenge: Creating a Healthy Relationship
It is essential that you agree not to have sex during the first seventy-two hours after you begin this challenge. Come on; you can wait a couple of days. There are reasons for this. Whether you've been together for a few months, a few years, or a few decades, it's important to build or rebuild a solid foundation. Trust the process.
Note: I will be using the following words interchangeably: spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, couple, and significant other, etc. Please apply your situation to the context while accepting the diversity of lovebirds in the world.
Take this self-discovery quiz. Document your answers. You will be asked to look back at these at the end of the seven-week challenge. For better results, believe in each other. There are no right or wrong answers. You won't be graded, I promise. Use this quiz as a springboard for discussion, and you'll uncover more insights over the next few hours (or days depending on the pace you choose).
Use the first three lines for his responses and the next few lines for hers. Respectfully, this also applies to same-sex partnerships, but I am going with these general terms for expediency. Use different colored inks. It may be easier when you look back later.
• Do you have a daily expectation of sexual contact from your partner?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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• Who is the initiator of the sexual affection most often?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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• Do you understand the moods, feelings, and values of your mate?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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• Would you rather be loved, appreciated, or understood? Why?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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• List three nonphysical characteristics you like about your partner?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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• Do you believe your partner understands your core values?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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• Are you optimistic that this workbook has the potential to help you? Why or why not? Will you be an active participant?
His: ___________________________________________________
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Hers: ___________________________________________________
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How Healthy Is Your Relationship?
Is your relationship R-I-P-E? This section helps readers discover how stable their current partnerships are when held to high standards. It explains how intimacy involves trust, humor, and communication. R-I-P-E is an acronym to describe a happy and mellow connection. A good partnership is:
R = Respectful
I = Intimate
P = Passionate
E = Emotionally-Supportive
Like a fine wine, a healthy relationship can be cultivated. For example, a red wine takes its sweet time before it's ready for consumption. Likewise, real companionship matures after a reasonable interlude. Love, at first sight, happens occasionally; but, realistically, it usually doesn't happen overnight. More and more, individuals are trying to discover what they did wrong in their last relationship. They don't want to blow it with their current mate. Be authentic. Let the partnership unfold naturally. If you try to rush it, you may blow it.
Attract a R-I-P-E Relationship!
[R is for Respect: If there isn't mutual respect, you can kiss your romantic connection goodbye. When that goes, so does the love. Piece by piece, the sexual ardor you once shared disappears. A sculptor is extraordinary when she creates something out of nothing, but a disrespectful mate does the opposite. While we all lose our cool sometimes, nobody wants to live with criticism, put-downs, verbal abuse, or extreme negativity as a steady diet.
To gain self-esteem, you must first respect yourself. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, and I'm paraphrasing here: other people can't insult you unless you give them permission. Practice being respectful.
If you disagree with your partner, explain the reasons behind your position. Share a story that reflects your point of view. Remember, multiple viewpoints can be right. In a nutshell, respect is a cumulative process. For a better connection, follow these four guidelines:
1. Ask questions every day. Discover your partner's thoughts, beliefs, feelings and impressions of life in general or about a particular topic. Figure out what your partner likes to do in and out of the bedroom. Let this unfold over time.
2. Listen to your partner. You don't have to agree with everything your partner says (that would be boring). Just understand what the other is saying and accept your partner's point of view. What makes the other tick? What events in your spouse's past make him or her act in a particular way?
3. Express your needs and desires. Be in tune with what makes you tick. Compromise when necessary. Use simple phrases. For more foreplay, express yourself. Be firm without demanding a particular outcome.
4. Be emotionally honest. A lack of honesty finds its way to the bedroom. This is a classic example of how a couple loses their sexual edge. One husband exclaimed, "We started out so passionate, but now my wife doesn't want anything to do with me!" If you are too passive, your partner may walk all over you. If you are too aggressive, you become an oppressive presence. Neither makes for a lasting romantic bond. The ideal is to strive for being assertive. State your position and move on. A sustained mutual respect is essential is a good relationship.
I is for Intimacy: Intimacy is a complex subject. In a good relationship, we seek out someone to balance our souls and stimulate our bodies. I interviewed clinical psychologist, Dr. Carolyn Goodrich of Edmond, Oklahoma about this challenging topic. "Consciously or unconsciously, most of us seek a partner with the same capacity for intimacy," says Dr. Goodrich. "A partner with greater intimacy scares us; one with too little bores us." Where do you stand in this delicate balancing act?
In my opinion, intimacy involves trust, humor, and communication. Without these three elements, the connection cannot survive long. Trust evolves over time. Real intimacy is only possible between trusting individuals. Without the assurance of your mate's faithfulness, you can never have true peace of mind (unless you have an open partnership or marriage). No judgments.
Unsurprisingly, humor plays a vital role as well. Remember, never take yourself too seriously. Adopt a playful mindset and life becomes your playground. Bring your sense of humor to the bedroom as well. I guarantee you'll need it someday. Your wit and banter should be free-flowing and easy to do with someone you love. If dialogue is a struggle, then reconsider why you're in the relationship in the first place. A happy partnership shouldn't be so much work that it's a continual struggle, although a little effort is needed in any relationship.
The other ingredient is healthy communication. As in most things, authentic rapport is the key to happiness in and outside the bedroom. Know what you need from a relationship and then develop the skills to ask for what you want. Chapter six covers gender-based communication styles in more depth. Listen to your partner and respond to his or her needs as best you can. A specific request, stated positively and paired with a positive tone of voice, usually gets good results.
In short, the quality of your communication fine-tunes the quality of your intimacy. The disparity between cross-gender communication styles is similar to the differences of those from contrasting cultural backgrounds. Sometimes the message gets lost in translation. For instance, a Californian may be put off by the manic gesturing and loud voice tone of an Italian New Yorker while he wonders why the west-coast guy is so quiet and non-responsive. (Doesn't he think my story is funny? Why hasn't he interrupted me or said anything?) It's a matter of a highly-involved style versus a highly-considerate way of communication. Again, these differences will be discussed further in chapter six as reported by a world-renowned linguist.
P is for Passion: Another element of a good relationship is passion. Dr. Bob Bohanske, a clinical psychologist in Mesa, Arizona, sums it up: "A passionate person is centered, unafraid of exposing who they are in any area ... be it physical, political, humor ... they express themselves and what they believe." If the attraction is solely based on lust, without mutual interests or goals, the relationship fades away sooner or later.
A couple can't predict compatibility upon first meeting, but two people can and frequently do feel a strong chemical attraction to each other at first sight. In some cases, this chemical reaction blossoms into mutual respect that enhances any sexual experience. It is not uncommon for a woman to focus on what the other person does for a living and his status. A woman might assume that if she finds someone who fits the image in her mind, then he or she must be the right person at the right time.
Some jump at the chance to go to bed with this so-called ideal partner, telling themselves they'll figure the rest out later. And sometimes you'll find a frog in bed with you. Sometimes you'll find a prince (or princess).
Bed-hopping may work for individuals who are not concerned with settling down. However, for women who want a commitment and a family, this approach rarely results in success. Males and females can find sexual passion with a multitude of partners if that's what they want. The fact is, great sex does not equal love. Sexual play without love can be a fun time, or it can be a hollow experience that leaves one or both people feeling exploited and lonely.
Dr. Bohanske suggests, "Passion should be self-motivated. It's best when sex is initiated because you crave and enjoy it — not done out of a sense of duty." Open yourself up to a romantic connection because you discover that your partner is caring, thoughtful, intelligent, and fun to be around. Both genders can enjoy sexual encounters without being in love. Sex-with-love, though, brings emotional satisfaction with an incredible intensity and a sweet vulnerability.
To achieve a close connection, learn to express your affectionate nature. Equally important is to share a similar level of passion. This allows each person to obtain a clear picture of his or her desires, which can lead to an understanding of the other partner's core values and a strong sense of self. Extraordinary passion stems from a deep-seated love. Cultivate a capacity for pleasure with your partner through encouragement and praise, not demands and critiques.
E is for Emotionally-Supportive: Some say women are nurturing and supportive by nature. There are plenty of men who have nourishing and caring personalities as well. As a general rule, do not expect your mate to replace your network of friends and vice versa. Instead, let your partner add texture to your support system. A loving partner bolsters your confidence when you need it. He celebrates your victories and is there to pick you up when you fail. Compassion, in most cases, can be re-learned by both men and women.
Resourceful couples work through their issues. Resolve problems as a couple. Periodically, it doesn't hurt to get advice from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Dr. Carolyn Goodrich explains, "A couple's level of commitment parallels their ability to support one another throughout the ups and downs of life." A relationship that unfolds in a natural way sets a foundation of communicating and accepting each other.
Commitment needs to ripen on its own. Never push. Out of emotional desperation, some people rush a good thing. Others put up barriers out of fears: fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, and fear of abandonment. Counseling combined with meditation (and sometimes medication) can help resolve larger psychological issues.
There's no need to discuss every little concern with your partner. This becomes tiresome and drains your lover, who then becomes less likely to listen when more serious issues arise. Women can learn to hold back emotional insecurities periodically. A sensible man is ultimately attracted to a self-secure lady. Pick and choose what you share.
When support is chronically one-sided, the connection is doomed for failure. Honest people admit this failure and move on to find a partner who offers mutual respect, intimacy, passion, and emotional support. Cultivate your current relationship and it could ripen into a lifelong companionship!
Evaluate Your Partnership With A Self-discovery Quiz:
To score this quiz, give yourself one full point if you answered Yes, &189; point for Sometimes or Depends, and zero points for answering No. While a written test cannot determine if your love connection is healthy, take this quiz to discover if you and your partner are on the right path for a healthy relationship:
Do you feel your partner respects you as a whole, complex individual whose sum is greater than the parts?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Would you trust your partner if he or she travels with an attractive colleague for business purposes?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Do you laugh together throughout the week and not just when you're out drinking or with friends?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Are you able to share your most private thoughts, ideas, dreams, impressions of life and feel your spouse listens?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Do you want to please and be pleased in the bedroom? (Is your sex life a balanced, happy one?)
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Do you feel the urge to communicate everyday experiences with your mate?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Do songs, movies, or books carry more meaning for you because of your relationship? Do you sometimes feel sentimental about a particular song? Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Would you support your spouse's efforts and dreams even if you didn't agree with the practicality of what he wants to do?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Does the sound of your boyfriend or girlfriend's voice comfort you?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Do you have a warm, cozy feeling inside when cuddling? Do you feel extra secure when together?
Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes ( ) Depends ( )
Your Quiz Results:
If you answered a resounding yes to all ten questions, get real. Nobody's that perfect. Just kidding, your partner sounds fantastic. Perhaps you've been together for a long time, or it could be the start of a meaningful connection.
If you gave an affirmative answer to at least eight questions, bravo! Your partner is a keeper. You have more going for you than most couples. Affirmative answers to 6-7 questions demonstrate a long-term connection is likely, and it is a definite sign that real love looms ahead.
If you responded optimistically to 4-5 questions, then you're in a development stage. Your partnership may not have had enough time to ripen, or you've been together so long that at least one party doesn't care anymore. You can still work your way to a better connection. Remember, don't push it. Let it unfold naturally. If you feel like it's a constant struggle to bond on a deeper level, however, perhaps you need to re-evaluate the situation.
Now if you said yes to only 1-3 questions, then it's probably time to move on down the road. There are other fish in the sea. Life's too short to waste your precious time and energy. After ninety days without your partner around, your brain is wired to release emotional attachment to both the good and the bad times. Memories become foggy. Usually, this makes it easier to move on. Turn the relationship into a platonic one if the friendship warrants it. Sooner or later, you'll start seeing someone else with a greater potential for good compatibility.
Icebreaker Activity For Couples
Yes, I'm going to ask you to draw a couple of pictures. It'll be fun! Happily, you won't be graded on the quality of your artwork. Read the specific instructions before you start drawing. I want you to complete the following:
1. Draw a picture of an ORGASM. (If you've never had one, just imagine.)
2. Use images, shapes, or symbols, but no letters or numbers.
3. Be spontaneous.
4. Pretend you're showing this picture to a creature from another planet, an alien or someone who doesn't understand language as we know it. You are desperate to communicate the concept.
In the space provided or on separate pieces of paper, take roughly two to five minutes to draw your masterpiece. Let one person draw first, making sure you cover up your partner's picture with a piece of paper. Then, unveil both drawings at the same time.
Isn't it fun to see what the other person drew? Were they similar in any way? Different? Do you think the differences are based on gender or only based on the personality type of person drawing?
Take several minutes to share your thoughts with your partner. Let's start with the woman's picture first. The man becomes the observer and talks about what he sees, how it makes him feel, what comes to mind etc. The artist responds by saying if it's close to the mark, off-base, or gets straight to the heart of your intention. Talk. Laugh. Giggle. Have fun.
Okay, now switch. The female now becomes the observer.
Here's a drawing change-up. This time, draw LOVE. Make a picture of the concept. Again, do not think. Draw the first thing that comes to your mind. Do not use any letters. Use only images and symbols. Pretend you're showing this to someone from outer space. Who knows? You may be doing just that (ha ha).
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Sextastic! by Janalee Beck. Copyright © 2016 Janalee Beck. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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