Shattered: A Handbook for Dealing with Emotional Abuse

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Overview

With domestic violence, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, and other forms of abuse, it's the emotional effects that are the deepest and the most difficult to overcome. In Shattered, Fay Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin give you the six steps that will lead you through the emotional trauma of abuse, so that you can move forward with a happy and fulfilling life.
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Overview

With domestic violence, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, and other forms of abuse, it's the emotional effects that are the deepest and the most difficult to overcome. In Shattered, Fay Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin give you the six steps that will lead you through the emotional trauma of abuse, so that you can move forward with a happy and fulfilling life.
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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
"The six-step recovery process delineated here draws on the authors' personal experiences with domestic betrayal. Betrayal here is defined as the act of being disloyal to a person who believes you are being loyal, often by doing something hurtful (e.g., engaging in extramarital affairs, being dishonest, leading a double life). The six steps-awareness, acceptance, action, authorization, accountability, and advancement-are clearly explained; interspersed throughout are the real-life stories of eight individuals who have successfully worked through the recovery process. Besides their pragmatic, down-to-earth advice-shot through with their religious beliefs but which readers of any faith could embrace-the authors offer several worksheet tools and a suggested reading list of resources. This title nicely updates Janis A. Spring's After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, supplements Patrick J. Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, and covers more types of betrayal than Rory C. Reid and Dan Gray's Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors. Recommended for public libraries."

—Library Journal, Sep 1, 2005

"I have been waiting for a book like this since I began my counseling career in 1974!"

—Dr. J. Kent Griffiths, Doctor of Social Work, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

"Readers of shattered will find straightforward answers to confronting all forms of infidelity and sound counsel on recovering from these forms of emotional betrayal, including the impact of pornography on committed relationships."

—Bishop George Neiderhauer, Catholic Diocese of Salt Lake City and President, Utah Coalition Against Pornography

Library Journal
The six-step recovery process delineated here draws on the authors' personal experiences with domestic betrayal. Betrayal here is defined as the act of being disloyal to a person who believes you are being loyal, often by doing something hurtful (e.g., engaging in extramarital affairs, being dishonest, leading a double life). The six steps-awareness, acceptance, action, authorization, accountability, and advancement-are clearly explained; interspersed throughout are the real-life stories of eight individuals who have successfully worked through the recovery process. Besides their pragmatic, down-to-earth advice-shot through with their religious beliefs but which readers of any faith could embrace-the authors offer several worksheet tools and a suggested reading list of resources. This title nicely updates Janis A. Spring's After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, supplements Patrick J. Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, and covers more types of betrayal than Rory C. Reid and Dan Gray's Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors. Recommended for public libraries.-Dale Farris, Groves, TX Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780972807197
  • Publisher: WindRiver Publishing
  • Publication date: 1/15/2005
  • Pages: 208
  • Product dimensions: 5.50 (w) x 8.50 (h) x 0.50 (d)

Meet the Author

Fay A. Klingler is an author of 7 previous titles and an illustrator. Fay's previous books include: The LDS Grandparents' Idea Book; My Magnificent Mountain; and The Complete Guide to Woman's Time.Bettyanne Bruin is a columnist and also the Executive Director of the National Coalition for Emotional Abuse Awareness. She is the author of four previous books.
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Read an Excerpt

Little did Emily realize when she met Ann at a

writers' conference that her world was about to be

turned upside down. And understandably so. Ann was

an older, intriguing person with an international

background.

A professional editor, Emily felt uncomfortable

when Ann was with her, but still she pursued the

relationship. Her instinct or gut told her Ann would

use her, but her brain said she could learn from her.

Ann appeared knowledgeable about women from other

countries, and Emily wanted to gain some of that

knowledge.

Ann was in the process of writing a book. As an

editor and as a new friend, Emily offered to look over

her materials. Ann was an exceptional writer, and Emily

learned a lot by reading Ann's work.

The more work Emily did for her, however, the

more Ann requested. She would call at Emily's office to

tell her she just faxed over another piece of her book.

"Could you take a look at it now?" Ann asked. "I need

it for a meeting with my publisher this afternoon."

Emily's daughter said Ann was using her because

she only called when she wanted something. Emily's

husband began to resent the time she gave to Ann. At

last, the pressure became so great that Emily felt she

had to confront Ann.

The next time Ann called, Emily told her she

couldn't work any longer for free. Ann said, "Oh, you

didn't think I was going to let you do all that work for

nothing, did you? Of course I'm going to pay you. The

next time I see you, I'll give you $500. I really need you

to take a few minutes, though, and look at the piece I

just faxed to you. Could you do that?"

Of course the money was never paid. And without

explanation, the phone calls and requests ceased for

several months. Then out of the blue one day, Ann called

and said sweetly. "Hello, Emily, did you think I had

dropped off the face of the earth? You could have called

me, you know!"

Emily's gut said, This is manipulation. She's trying

to make me feel like I failed to do something so I'll feel

obligated to say yes to what she is going to ask. And

sure enough, another request was made.

Who was the betrayer and who was the betrayed?

Emily admits she allowed the using to go further

than she should have. "I just gave her too much benefit

of a doubt and didn't speak up from the start about

what I would and wouldn't take. I did learn from her,

but I should have asked to be paid in the beginning."

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Table of Contents

Foreword by Thelma Soares xii

Foreword by Rita Smith xvii

Acknowledgments xix

Introduction xxi

Chapter One, Awareness 1

Ask to see things as they really are. Trust your instinct.

Acknowledge reality. Look for the signs.

Chapter Two, Acceptance 17

Acknowledge and accept your reality and take

responsibility for your future. Emotionally disconnect.

Recognize patterns of behavior. Manage your fear and

anger.

Chapter Three, Action 37

Get on your knees and ask for God's blessings and

direction, then stand on your feet and do what is right.

Act, don't just react. Consider what you want from the

confrontation. Consider where you will confront.

Consider when you will confront. Consider how you will

confront. Observe quietly. Set reasonable limits. Consider

how you will evaluate the confrontation. Try again.

Ensure your safety. Take the risk of making life better.

Rely on God. Trust what you know to be true.

Chapter Four, Authorization 83

Give yourself permission to talk, to listen, to rebuild trust,

and to act with confidence. Share your experience with

family. Share your experience with friends. Write your

experience in a journal. Look to others for support.

Develop faith in God. Trust and care for yourself. Seek

professional help when necessary. Rebuild your trust in

mankind.

Chapter Five, Accountability 113

In fairness, hold yourself and others accountable, and

free yourself through forgiveness so you can visualize

beyond your past and look with hope into the possibilities

of the future. Own your part in the betrayal. Develop

your bill of rights. Hold others accountable. Forgive the

other person. Forgive yourself.

Chapter Six, Advancement 139

With belief in yourself, take charge of your life, and chart

a new course to advance and bloom. Visualize your camp.

Control the outcome. Follow a plan. Commit time and

effort. Create balance. Believe in yourself. Lighten your

load. Serve others. Keep your perspective.

Epilogue 165

Suggested Reading List 167

About the Authors 171

Index 173

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Customer Reviews

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 17, 2013

    This is my favorite book on divorce. When I was going through m

    This is my favorite book on divorce.
    When I was going through my divorce, it seemed noboby could tell me a title to read which helped me with what I was going through. I'm so glad I found this one.
    Authors Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin answered all of my importnat questions. "Why did this happen to me?" "How could I have let it happen?" "How could I have been so stupid all those years?"
    I thought I was the only one going through my experience during my divorce. In the Acknowledgements, Klinger wrote: I used to think my story was unique, but I've learned that's not so. On the one hand I find it sad because that means, like me, others have been deeply hurt. But on the other hand, I find it exhilarating because it shows we share a resiliency, a desire to make life good in spite of our traumatic experiences."
    I met Klingler at a library lecture and brought my book along for her signature. I showed her that almost every page was highlighted.
    The chapter headings, the six steps are: Awareness Acceptance, Action, Authorization, Accountability and Advancement. At the end of each chapter is a little work space, a plan, to write how we are going to overcome each of the "A" headings.
    Two thoughts in the book gave me "ah-ha" moments. One is on being good. Most of us are good and can't imagine that someone would hurt us and betray us. It is beyond our thinking to imagine it. The other thought is, if one spouse is working hard on the marriage, why should the other spouse, the predator, have to work on it at all?
    While reading this book, I realized I was betrayed and manipulated like this.
    The last chapter heading, Advancement, is the healing step. On page 139 is the statement, "Be patient with yourself. You won't suddenly forgive. You won't suddenly let go. It's more like the process of a flower in bloom."
    Those words gave me hope.
    I heartily endorse this book for those whose divorce involved betrayal, such as adultery, abuse and addiction (including pornography).

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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