She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

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More About This Book

Overview

As women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. And while it seems that men have struggled valiantly since the dawn of time to find ways to reliably elicit the female orgasm, rare is the guy who has the modesty to ask: "What do I do?" Ironically, the answer has always been right there on the tip of his tongue.

Welcome to the world of She Comes First, where the mystery of female satisfaction is solved and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to Ian Kerner, clinical sexologist and evangelist of the female orgasm, oral sex has long been deemed an optional aspect of foreplay, but, in fact, it's coreplay -- simply the best way for leading a woman through the entire process of sexual response.

Fun, informative, and easy to read, She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and illustrated step-by-step instructions to ensure success. These simple methods represent a new era in sexual intimacy, one in which the exchange of pleasure occurs on a level playing field and fulfillment is mutual.

She Comes First exuberantly offers a fresh new sexual philosophy that inspires every man to make a mantra of Rhett Butler's infamous line to Scarlett O'Hara, "You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."

Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
This book is a frank, informal, and informative guide to the pleasures of cunnilingus, or "the oral caress." The book details illustrated step-by-step instructions to dozens of oral sex techniques. Sample chapter titles set the tone: "She Comes First: The Courtesy That Counts"; "Her Clitoris: The Little Engine That Could"; "Moreplay: She Comes Again and Again"; "Seamless Transitions"; and "Achieving Simultaneity."
Cake
“Here comes a book that puts men in their places - smack dab in between women’s legs!”
More Reviews (1) Fewer Reviews
From The Critics
“An entire book written strictly for the pleasure of women by a man. Hallelujah!”

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780060538255
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 5/25/2004
  • Edition description: First Edition
  • Edition number: 1
  • Pages: 240
  • Sales rank: 120,395
  • Product dimensions: 5.50 (w) x 8.25 (h) x 0.85 (d)

Meet the Author

Ian Kerner , Ph.D., is a sex therapist —Dr. Drew Pinsky and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books. He contributes regularly to Today and lives in New York City with his wife and two young sons.

First Chapter

She Comes First
The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman Chapter One She Comes First:
The Courtesy That Counts

Ladies first, gentlemen. When it comes to satisfying a woman, a little old-fashioned chivalry goes a long way.

Lest you think the importance of such courtesy is overexaggerated, direct your attention to Lorena Bobbitt, who, when questioned by police as to why she cut off her husband's penis, responded, "He always has an orgasm and doesn't wait for me. It's unfair."

Need one say more?

Men are designed for efficiency. It doesn't take much to get us aroused, it's a rather uncomplicated process, and we tend to come only once before requiring a "refractory period" (also known as the part where we turn over and start snoring). And depending upon our age, this period could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a couple of days.

The simple fact is that male orgasms come easy. Masters and Johnson dubbed it "ejaculatory inevitability" and the late Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey, famous for interviewing thousands about their sex lives, declared that 75 percent of men ejaculate within two minutes.

But when it comes to the female orgasm, nothing's inevitable. As Sally Tisdale wrote:

Male sexuality seems different from mine fundamentally because nothing need be involved but the head and shaft of the penis, no other part of the body need be troubled, touched, undressed, or soiled ... the male orgasm has always seemed to me to burst almost from nowhere, to be infinitely more ready and willing than my own.

The female orgasm is a more complicated affair and often takes much longer toachieve during a session of sexual activity. In particular, her first orgasm is the most difficult to accomplish, requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation. Is it any surprise, then, that researchers from the University of Chicago declared in the 1994 Sex in America Survey that men reach orgasm during intercourse far more consistently than do women, and that three fourths of men, but less than a third of women, always have orgasms. Less than a third! That means more than two out of three women on average are consistently denied their climax -- good reason to start hiding the cutlery.

Irony, bitter and cruel, seems to be embedded into our respective processes of arousal: that a woman, so unique in her sexuality, possessing both a clitoris -- an organ designed solely for the production of pleasure -- as well as the ability to experience multiple orgasms during a single session of sexual activity, should so often find this vast potential for blazing ecstasy smoldered -- a magnificent conflagration left unlit -- all for lack of a match that can hold its flame.

It's not a problem with the match, say many men, but rather that a woman's fuse is too long. Perhaps, but then this raises the question how long is too long? Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 percent failed to reach orgasm consistently. That's a shift of tectonic proportions -- from two out of three women not being able to reach climax to nine out of ten achieving satisfaction -- all because of a matter of minutes.

Few, if any, of the world's problems can be solved with a mere twenty minutes of attention, and yet here, in the complex sociopolitical landscape of the bedroom, we have an opportunity to create bilateral satisfaction. When put that way, in the context of sexual peace and equality, is twenty minutes of focused attention, applied appropriately, really too much to ask, especially if it can save your sex life?

Take the path of the true gentleman: postpone your pleasure. As Sir Thomas Wyatt, father of the English sonnet wrote, "Patience shall be my song."

Ushering a woman into orgasm is both exhilarating and liberating. When she comes first, anxiety and pressure are dispensed with; you are emboldened, empowered to pursue with gusto the gratification that awaits you -- a climax that will be heightened all the more for having been postponed.

I love to make my girlfriend come, I love to experience the whole thing -- the buildup and release of waves of pleasure, the surrender to ecstasy, the spasm of satisfaction, the momentary loss of self. It turns me on even more to know I made it happen." (David, 27)

What greater reward could a man ask for?

She Comes First
The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Copyright © by Ian Kerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Customer Reviews
Average Rating 4
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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 1, 2009

    Not bad but not what expected

    This book was less about cunnilingus and more about the author just trying to write a book. I was expecting to get lots of detail, techniques and tips on the subject but was disappointed to only find the book to have 10% useful information. There were a few useful pointers, however. Not a bad book if you are a beginner with no clue about the subject and are looking for any kind of advice. I think if there were more pictures and more positions it would have helped.

    4 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 8, 2008

    I Also Recommend:

    She comes first.

    She comes first is a good book for men about sex with women. It's got a lot of good info, including why women should orgasm first. (Makes sense to me.) It's one of the better guides on the market.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 5, 2009

    Alright

    It is written with much style. I appreciate the honesty and perspective in it. Maybe it's because I have no experience with this topic yet and am just learning for when I finally have the opportunities, but getting down to it; I thought the techniques described were complicated and confusing. The techniques could have been described clearer in some areas and some pictures, or better yet, an instructional DVD showing how to actually perform the techniques would make it easier to learn what the Kern is saying so they are performed correctly to get 'er done.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 1, 2006

    a must read deffinetly

    I must say that although this book may come across as a self help type of reading material its not this book enlightens the reader to go beyond the bounderies of the 'rules'of cunilingus and therfore bring a woman all that she most desires that being the feeling of the most extreme orgasm they mey have thus far expierienced but please by all means venture forward in the pursute of your companions happieness and pleasure she will be truely greatful to both you the reader and the amazing authors of this extrodinary era

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 8, 2006

    WOW

    I love this book! I go back to it all the time. Kerner has done the male species a huge service by writing this book. This book is constantly quoted on menshealth.com and deserves all the attention. There is tons of truth in this book because pleasing your woman is just the right thing to do.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 21, 2005

    A MUST FOR ALL MEN WHO WANT TO PLEASE A WOMAN

    OH MY GOD!!! This is the absolutely best guide for men that I have ever read. I am a woman and picked it up to read the jacket and didn't lay it down. My curiousity was overwhelming. I read it in 2 sittings. I think it was right on. I actually had to keep looking back at the cover to make sure it was a man who wrote. Guys, this is the one! With this information and a little practice, your name will be on every woman's mind you touch for a very long time.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 11, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    Great info!

    She Comes First is a great book for men about how to sexually please their women. It's got some great info inside and really de-mystifies the whole process and makes it that much more enjoyable. A must read.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted December 3, 2008

    Great Book

    This is a great book full of lots of details about women that most men don't know. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who enjoys pleasing women.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 28, 2005

    Valuable and thoroughly researched!

    The book is content rich and is written in a very easy to understand and follow way. The author is definitely an expert in this area and provides 6-step plan to give orgasm to your girl every time. Of course, the accent is on oral stimulation although I think that the old fashion way should not be underestimated. The book is appropriate even for beginners because it contains a lot of information which experienced man/couples would know. Overall, this is very good book and I recommend it to you.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 13, 2005

    Holy Cow

    It delivers! I thought I knew how to please her, and I did know some things but man, now it is hot. When she's happy, she has no problem making me happy, if you know what I mean.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 1, 2004

    Exciting

    It is so exciting to have men writing books like this. I am a woman but I was so curious that I had to read this book, and I thought it was masterfully written and a brilliant idea. I hope men are reading this.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 3, 2011

    Good book, bad rating to try to force my nook to stop recommending based on it

    This is an interesting read, but it's kinda hard to show people my nook when the bottom half of my home screen is populated by titles based on the recommendation system. If there were a way to tell the system not to recommend on a given title I would have given this a 3 or 4 star rating.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 14, 2011

    Must have on your nook

    This book is very interesting. It tells you things you thought you knew but went at it to fast. It tells you to slow down and take your time when making love. Think of her first get her in the mood. You can make you partner really fell her inner self when you take your time. This book really gives you a lot of incite on the female body. Have fun going down on your partners vulva. I love going to the land down under and experiencing what it does to my wife. Another good book is the Joy of Sex So put on some good jazz and enjoy.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 23, 2011

    A great read for him and as a couple

    I have really enjoyed reading this book. It was very effective on sxplaining the process of leading a woman through the stages of sexual response. It goes into great detail of the aspects of pleasuring a woman, down to breaking down the female anatomy to the 10 hot spots and when they are effective. This book gives a lot of tips and guidance. I also highly recommend reading it twice, once by yourself and then after experimenting with the the techniques read it again with your partner. This gives a great opportunity for feedback and if you are having trouble understanding some topics or techniques in the book your partner would probably have a beter perspective/understanding and be able to explain it. Reading it with my wife was helpful in that some things I didn't think she would enjoy turned out she is very enthusiastic about, I have learned a lot about she likes specifically.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 24, 2010

    What a revelation.

    This book is great - a genuine revelation for anyone who is not intimately knowledgeable on such topics or anatomy. It is a quick read - lots of very short chapters on specific topics. First half of the book is the "why" of cunnilingus, which is very informative, and the second half is the "how" which is extremely detailed and clear. I very highly recommend it to anyone who is serious about wanting to please their woman.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 26, 2010

    Excellent advice

    I bought this book to read with my boyfriend... after reading it cover to cover, I think it is spot-on! A must-read for everyone (even for a woman, it helps to elucidate the process and ease anxieties).

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 11, 2009

    AWESOME

    This book was very informative. It was very clear what men had to do beside thinking of themselves first. It was also educational. After reading the book, maybe a couple of weeks later i decided to put everything to the test. Since then, my wife is always ready when i give her that look and i hit her spots 100% of the time. AWESOME book (MW)

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 9, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 5, 2011

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 7, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

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