Shit My Kids Say by Nick Harris | Paperback | Barnes & Noble
Shit My Kids Say

Shit My Kids Say

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by Nick Harris

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A host of hilarious one-liners and observations told in the always-unique words of the very young

Look, it's raining through that boy's trousers!

Can we get something to eat? I'm vanished!

Children have a unique way of looking at the world—they can be wonderfully innocent, or world weary beyond their years. This book collects


A host of hilarious one-liners and observations told in the always-unique words of the very young

Look, it's raining through that boy's trousers!

Can we get something to eat? I'm vanished!

Children have a unique way of looking at the world—they can be wonderfully innocent, or world weary beyond their years. This book collects the craziest and the funniest stuff that kids say in one hilarious volume, and with topics ranging from "Love and Stuff" to their take on the old, it's guaranteed to have you chuckling your socks off.

Product Details

Michael O'Mara Books
Publication date:
Product dimensions:
5.00(w) x 7.70(h) x 0.60(d)

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Read an Excerpt

S*** My Kids Say

By Nick Harris, Andrew Pinder

Michael O'Mara Books Limited

Copyright © 2012 Michael O'Mara Books Limited
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-84317-981-8



Constantly focused on a repetitive round of eating, playing and sleeping, kids would have you believe they've got little going on upstairs ... think again.


Kids regularly belie their tender years by coming out with inappropriate remarks that would make Ricky Gervais blush.

* * *

I wish someone we knew would die so we could send lots of flowers. Alice, seven

Dad, why are those men carrying that long box on their shoulders? What's in the box? Is it their fishing rods? Jarvis, five

Why are they burying Uncle John deep in the ground? I thought you were supposed to go to heaven after you die, but it looks as if Uncle John's going in the other direction! Geri, six

All the folds of skin on the back of that man's neck make it look like a pack of hot dogs. Billy, five

Is that Mr Robertson's nose or is he eating a banana? Christopher, five

See that lady in the red dress? Gee, she's big. I didn't know you could get dresses that big! Waylon, five

If your bra size is thirty-four, Mummy, that lady over there must be size 120. Her boobies are huge! Erin, six

* * *

My mummy's fat because she's having a baby. What's your excuse? Gina, seven

* * *

That man has a patch over his eye. Does that mean he's a pirate? If so, where's his parrot? James, five

Are you the lady from number thirty-four, the one Mummy says breeds like a rabbit? Natalie, five

* * *

Are you going to go on Jerry Springer to find out who your baby's father is? Wilma, six

* * *

Are you the lady in our street who used to be a man? Clarissa, four

I don't understand how you can start off as a man and then become a lady. What happens to all your dangly man bits? And which toilet do you have to go in, or is there a special one for people who are half and half? Melanie, seven

Mum says the lady next door is approaching sixty, but she doesn't say from which direction. Simon, eight

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Nathan, eight

I didn't know ladies could have a moustache. Cool! Justin, six

Grandma, we've been waiting in line here forever behind that lady. It takes Daddy less time to poop and he's in there long enough to play a world of Angry Birds! Jane, six

Mummy, why are old people always so slow? Wouldn't it be better if they just died? Phyllida, five

* * *

When people get to fifty I think they should just be killed off to make room for all the new babies. It would stop the world getting too crowded. If I was God, that's what I would do anyway. But I'd let you and Daddy live a bit longer – maybe to fifty-five – if you did me burgers for tea every Friday. Charlie, six

When me and Sarah went to the seaside in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. Lauren, seven

Mum, look at that man's funny nose. He looks like Bert from Sesame Street. Sean, four

What's that horrible smell? It smells like my brother's butt in here! Andre, five

* * *

I was just about to eat a bogey and there was a hair in it. That's so gross! Britney, five

* * *

What do I want for tea? A bowl full of bogeys. They're my favourite food. Roxie, four


Kids may not know how to keep their room tidy or how to play with plasticine without getting chunks of it stuck in their hair, but they are capable of imparting words of wisdom worthy of any philosopher.

* * *

If you can't remember how old you are, Grandma, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six. Melanie, five

Are you sure that's a pool of petrol in the driveway, Mum? I thought it was a dead rainbow. Becky, seven

Climate lasts a long time, but the weather is only a few days. Justin, six

* * *

Beauty is skin deep, but how rich you are can last a long time. Christine, seven

* * *

Oil pollution is dangerous. When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead. Emily, six

You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it's a lie and she is really the wicked witch. Kym, seven

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, nine

The best time to do a fart is when you're in the bath. The smell is so bad it makes your eyes water. It's like the worst-ever stink bomb. Ivan, eight

When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep. Richard, eight

You shouldn't listen in on your sister's conversation with her boyfriend because it gets too mushy. Monica, eleven

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mum told you to do. Josh, seven

Never ask a two-year-old to hold a tomato. Sarah, eleven

When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone. Alyesha, thirteen

* * *

When you want to stay home from school, you have to stay in the bathroom a long, long time. Joseph, eleven

* * *

Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are filling out tax forms. Carol, nine

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Edward, ten

Never tell your friends your parents' nickname for you or you'll never hear the end of it. Dawn, thirteen

If you live with five other women, you have to get up bright and early to get into the bathroom. Megan, thirteen

Don't try out your new chemistry set near where your mum's making a cake. Colleen, eleven

When you and a friend buy ice cream cones, your friend's flavour always looks better. Amanda, fourteen

Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, eight

You shouldn't put a marshmallow in the microwave. Mary, twelve

* * *

When your mum says, 'Try it, you'll like it,' you probably won't like it. Emily, ten

* * *

To be a real woman, you have to be really bossy without looking bossy. Simone, eight

It's best not to use felt-tip markers for lipstick. Becky, seven

Stay away from prunes. John, five

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, ten

If there is something bad for dinner, your parents don't have to eat it but you do. Deanna, eleven

You can't fake a stomach ache right before you're having spinach for dinner. Jessica, eleven

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rory, seven

* * *

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in winter. Frankie, seven

* * *

If Mum's not happy, nobody's happy. Katy, thirteen

A piece of chewing gum stuck under the dinner table will one day return to haunt you. Darren, thirteen

Never try and open an umbrella in the car. Ryan, seven

Don't lick a car bumper in winter. Ollie, nine

* * *

Never spit when you're on a roller coaster. Scott, eleven

* * *

You should never jump out of a tree using trash bags as parachutes. April, ten

Never complain to your mum that you're bored, because she will tell you to go and clean your room. Joanna, thirteen



Kids are at the centre of their own worlds, but that doesn't stop them from waxing lyrical on Dad's bodily functions, annoying little sisters or Grandma's wrinkles.


For most children, their mums and dads are the most cherished things in the world – except of course for ice cream, new trainers, an expensive bike, a trip to Disneyland and the latest must-have video game.

* * *

Mum, if you have a baby growing in your tummy, what's growing in your bottom? Tess, five

Mum, why do you have two boobies? Is one for hot milk and one for cold? James, six

Mummy, why do you have big boobies when Daddy only has little ones? Caitlin, four

I didn't recognize you in that picture, Mum. Wow, you used to be so pretty! Kelly, five

Mum, you have lovely teeth. Yellow is my favourite colour. Jenny, five

Mummy, why do you have those lines on your face? Katie, four

Mummy, your hair looks brown. You need to put some yellow in it. Abi, five

Mum, why are your armpits so hairy? Are you turning into a werewolf? Joey, seven

Mum's hair looks funny first thing in the morning. It sticks out everywhere. She looks like a cockatoo. Sam, eight

My mum has hairy legs that she shaves with a machine. Jake, eight

* * *

Mummy, your hair looks like fur. But it's not fur, is it? Stephen, five

* * *

My mum's hair is blonde but it's all black at the bottom. I think that must be the soil on her head that her hair grows in. Angela, four

On holiday, my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass. Julie, seven

You won't fit on that chair, Mummy. Your bum is too big. You'll break it. Zoe, four

I liked Mum's hair better when it matched her eyebrows. Kevin, five

You're not really fat, Mum. You've just got more flesh than most people. Karen, six

Dad and I were talking, Mum, and we think you need to go to the gym. Josh, seven

Darryl's mum works out twice a week and she's pretty fit ... for a mum. Kieron, nine

Jamie's mum is the hottest of all the mums who come to school. Next time I see her, I could ask her to give you some tips if you like – you know, about clothes and stuff. Sebastian, nine

* * *

Face it, Mum, the only things that are hot about you these days are your flushes. Toni, fourteen

* * *

I think my mum is pretty even though she does have a neck like a turkey. Paula, seven

My mum is very pretty although sometimes she misses with her lipstick. Alexa, eight

* * *

Sometimes I think my mum dresses a bit frumpy, but I guess she is thirty-two, which is really old. Angelica, nine

* * *

When we're out together, my mum wears shorter skirts than me, and it's so embarrassing. I say to her, 'Mum, no one wants to see your forty-five-year-old thighs.' Lauren, fourteen

* * *

I like my mum to look like a mum, not someone who's on the pull. Adam, thirteen

Our car doesn't have a roof, so Mummy drives around topless. Rebecca, six

Mummy, how come you have way more shoes than I do? Bonnie, eight

Mummy wears lots of cardigans even though Daddy says they make her look old. When he says that, she threatens to hit him with a rolling pin, but she never does – except one time when her hand slipped. Jennifer, seven

* * *

So they make you beautiful by sucking the fat out of your butt? Who has to do that? What kind of a job is that? Do they swallow it or spit it out? Emilia, seven

* * *

Why do you want to change the way you look, Mummy? Not everyone can be beautiful. Sorsha, six

God made Mum just like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Phoebe, five

God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. Liam, six

My mummy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Janine, eight

Mum, can you kiss this hurt spot? I need kissing all over, but don't worry, I'll keep my pants on. Michael, seven

My mum can spend two hours on the phone talking to her sister, and when I ask her afterwards what they talked about she says, 'Nothing.' Gerard, eleven

Sometimes my mum laughs so much that she wets herself and has to rush upstairs to change her knickers. Kirsten, eight

* * *

Mum says I can't have any pudding unless I eat my dinner, but when I do eat all my dinner like a good boy and I ask if there's any pudding, she says, 'You can't still be hungry!' Dylan, eight

* * *

My mum is a good cook but sometimes her gravy doesn't move and we have to help it out of the jug. Ceri, six

Mum's such a bad cook that Dad says our cat only has three lives left. Tom, eight

We always pray before meals, not because we're very religious but because Mum is such a lousy cook. Brad, twelve

My brother says our mum is the worst cook in the world. But I don't think that's fair. Michelle Higginbottom's mum is even worse. Alison, eight

My mum picks her nose all the time and flicks it in the bin. Carl, six

Mum bites her fingernails then tells me off for sucking my thumb. Aiden, six

Mum chews her nails all the time. She is almost down to her knuckles. Noah, nine

* * *

My mum has smelly feet, which she puts in my face. The smell is so bad it knocks me off the sofa. Jake, eight

* * *

I think God made mums because they are the only ones who know where things are kept. Steven, seven

Mummy, when you have your face lifted will it be on top of your head, like a hat? Becky, five

My mum does massive burps at the dinner table and in shops. Maxwell, seven

* * *

My mum will eat a whole box of chocolates in one go – even the boring caramel cups. Alicia, nine

* * *

Mummy, why are there more idiots on the road when Daddy's driving? Olivia, six

* * *

My dad drives the same way on the road as he does on my Demolition Derby game. Jared, ten

My daddy has no hair on his head but some under his mouth. I think his hair must have slipped. Hayley, four

My dad brakes too hard in the car and his feet smell. Kate, six

Other dads go for a haircut; mine goes for a wax and polish! Dean, twelve

When Mum parks the car, Dad says, 'Don't worry, dear, I can walk the rest of the way to the kerb.' Alfie, seven

* * *

My daddy's got a giant bald patch on the top of his head. Mummy says he looks like a monkey or is it a monk? One or the other. Jeff, six

* * *

My daddy's got no hair. He's bald, but not as bald as the man across the road. Simon, four

Dad doesn't usually get mad but when he does you'd better watch out. He's like King Kong, only don't tell him I said that or he'll get even madder. Nathaniel, ten

Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goof ball. Holly, eight

Dad is hopeless around the house. He once put his shirt and dirty socks in the dishwasher. Vaughan, eight

* * *

When my daddy gets mad, steam comes out of his ears and nose holes. Cathy, six

* * *

Dad's socks are disgusting. Mum says they have a life of their own and could probably walk to the washing machine. Ella, eight

Dad can never understand why he often has an odd number of socks after Mum has washed them. To make his point he hops around the house on one leg like a mad pirate. Mum just rolls her eyes. She doesn't think he's at all funny. Arianna, seven

My daddy eats way too much. He's got a tummy like a bouncy castle. Grace, five

Dad snores so loud the windows rattle, and worse still Mum has to put on subtitles because she can't hear the television. Isabella, nine

My dad not only sounds like a farmyard, he does the smells, too. Gavin, nine

My dad's got so many bad habits it's hard to say which is the worst. But Mum tells him off if he scratches his bum in the supermarket. Gabriel, seven

Daddy's always reaching down the front of his pants to have a scratch. I don't know what he's got in there. Kaylee, four

When my dad pumps, he never says, 'Pardon me!' Lacy, nine

When my dad gets angry he keeps trumping. He can't help it: fart, fart, fart. The smell in the room is worse than his temper. Ian, nine

My dad has man boobs. Mum says he should wear a bra. Ellie, seven

* * *

Dad falls asleep on the couch and trumps. Mum does ironing, shopping, cooking and everything, while my dad just sleeps. Niamh, seven

* * *

It's bad enough that my dad trumps so much, but Mum hates the way he waves it towards her with his hand. Maisie, six

When my dad does a pardon, he lifts his leg up and tells everyone, 'That was better out than in.' He is so gross sometimes. Savannah, ten

When Dad goes in the bathroom, I listen outside the door for any plopping sounds. If I hear him say 'Hallelujah', I know it's gonna be a good time to ask him for more pocket money. Ryan, eight

When Dad goes to the toilet he often leaves little floaty ones behind. Jordan, six

If Dad's been more than ten minutes on the toilet, when he comes out he usually says, 'I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you.' Luis, eight

* * *

When Mum and Dad argue, if Mum isn't winning she just bursts into tears. It always works. Dad backs off after that and feels guilty. Women can be sneaky like that. Rocky, nine

There's a difference, Dad: boys fart, girls toot. Sam, five

Mummy said Daddy was in the dog-house. But I looked, and he wasn't. Maisie, five

Dad is always in trouble over something with Mum. I feel sorry for him sometimes. It's tough being a guy. Henry, seven

If Mummy is angry with Daddy, he usually buys her a box of chocolates, but he makes sure he gets to eat the orange creams. Faith, six


Excerpted from S*** My Kids Say by Nick Harris, Andrew Pinder. Copyright © 2012 Michael O'Mara Books Limited. Excerpted by permission of Michael O'Mara Books Limited.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Nick Harris is the author of An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman: A Mammoth Compendium of the Best Jokes, Gags and One-Liners.

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Shit My Kids Say 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 2 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
You looked up $#!+ didnt you?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Ok so check out my post on the two books ABOVE this one and you can hear more from me.