Shootin' the Sh*t with Kevin Smith

Read an Excerpt

From SModcast number 52
The Second Coming
Kevin Smith: What if Jesus came back? Would they believe him that he was Jesus? Would he have to do some miracles?
Scott Mosier: Yeah, if he had some powers.
KS:What kind of powers? Lasers-out-of-his-eyes Jesus?
SM: No-one wants magic.
KS:Yeah they don't want the Jesus that's like, “How many loaves of bread do you have? 'Cos now you have ninety!” I'm talking about the Jesus that's like, “I return as a lion, bitch, not a lamb.” And he's got the gas finger like the alien in Signs.
SM: I dunno, that might get some giggles. Then everybody would get a fuckin' baseball bat and a glass of water and Jesus would be dead.
KS:Like, “We saw that movie.”
SM: “Yeah, way to fuck up, Jesus.” And Jesus' return is over in twenty minutes 'cause somebody doused him with water and fucking beat him to death with a piece of wood.
KS:“Swing away Meryl!”
SM: “It's the Second Coming!... oh it's over.”
KS:“Everything's back to normal.”
SM: “Is there a Third Coming? Have we read about a Third Coming?”
KS:If there is, show them a better movie, where the aliens are unstoppable. Don't show them a movie where the aliens have a weakness.
SM: Even if he had the power where people are throwing bombs at him and shooting him and he'd be like “nah”.
KS:He'd be indestructible?
SM: Yeah, that could be peaceful Jesus: “You could do anything you want to me, but the power of love is so strong that you cannot touch me.” That would have to make people think.
KS:What, gay Jesus?
SM: Well it's not like before-Jesus was out there preaching about -
KS:That's my point, he's like, “Look, last time I was gay. This time I'm coming back like a hillbilly. I'm filled with hate. I got a dog, a truck and a shotgun slung under my dash. I'm mad as hell!”
SM: That would be effective too. “Is that a 4x4 pick-up?”
KS:“You're damn right it is! I gotta 350 big block under the hood, bitch!” No, if Jesus came back, less love, more like, “Look, I tried love and you nailed me to wood. Now I'm gonna come back and I'm not gonna shield my glory, I'm not gonna hide my light under a bushel. I am the Son of God...”
SM: “... and I will fuck you up.”

From SModcast number 61: “Bridge Beach!”
The Infamous Bridge Beach Story
[Kevin is joined by Walt Flanagan and Bryan Johnson]
KS:Have you ever been in a sexual situation where you were not the aggressor?
Where you felt victimised a little bit?
Walt Flanagan:No.
KS:There's never been any sex where you're like, “I don't want this.”
WF:No.
KS:Never once?
WF:Never once.
KS:You?
Bryan Johnson:Uh... not that I can recall. I mean, there are times where like...
KS:Where you hated yourself for doing it?
BJ:Yeah, sometimes.
KS:Where you had a little fight with yourself, where there's a little angel and devil on your shoulder?
BJ:The only reason I hated myself afterwards is if the person annoyed the shit out of me afterwards, you know? Um, never though, where it's been somebody that was gross, and I'm like, “Ugh, why would I do that?” 'Cause usually I would just, trumpet back to you, or...
KS:You're like, “I'm gonna make out from this story, one I'm gonna cum, two I'm gonna tell people about it.”
WF:What about Bridge Beach?
BJ:Oh, yeah... I don't regret that.
KS:What was Bridge Beach?
WF:Oh, this is the hall of fame, of uh...
KS:I don't think I know this story.
WF:You know it.
BJ:We were in our... probably early twenties, right, at that point? And we used to hang around the Devaneys' house. We used to go down to their house all the time, with a couple of other people that would drop by, Brian Hartsgrove... And we would get beer and drink. What was that famous beer again? Oh yeah, Budweiser. Um... and there was one night, it was kind of a party actually. Some sort of party, maybe a birthday or some shit, but there were more than the average number of people there, and next door to the Devaneys', was... she was old, I can't remember her name... but she was like well into her sixties. And I guess her granddaughter came down. And, um... she was there for the summer. And she wasn't like, super-young, but she was maybe seventeen? Sixteen, seventeen, something like that?
KS:And you're how old at this point?
BJ:I was like, twenty. Maybe nineteen.
KS:So you're going through psychological counselling for drinking? This is after fucking Pam & Edgar went and yelled at Jesse Strickland?
BJ:I think it was actually prior to that, but uh... anyway, so the girl comes over, and I'm really drunk, right?
WF:I don't know about that.
BJ:That I was really drunk?
WF:I don't know.
BJ:I'm not trying to put it off, I woulda done it anyway. I would do it now.
WF:I am not sure that you were drunk.
BJ:I was pretty drunk. I remember being pretty drunk. But at any rate, let's, for the sake of argument...
WF:You were stone-cold sober.
BJ:I was buzzed. Yeah, like I was tee-totalling. Um... and I started making out with the girl, who was no less impaired than Geri Jewell. She had, like, CP [Cerebral Palsy]... but, like Hartsgrove, she had those... you know, she couldn't walk correctly, but she had the Geri Jewell sideways-talking, and head bobbing and shit. And uh... So we were making out...
KS:Oh, no.
BJ:For a good part of the night...
KS:Oh, no.
BJ: And at a certain point, Donna Devaney, you know, John and Kevin's mother, is just like, “Bryan, what are you doing? She's retarded!”
KS:Oh, no!
BJ:Hartsgrove goes, “She has the same thing I do, I'm not retarded!”
KS:Do you think she would have objected if Hartsgrove and her were hooking up?
BJ:I guess not, no. I guess I was seen as taking advantage.
WF:Who's Geri Jewell?
BJ:You remember on Facts of Life?
WF:Oh, yeah...
KS:She was Blair's CP cousin, who'd make jokes about being Palsy.
BJ:So we, um... she was also the gip on Deadwood.
KS:That's right, she was on Deadwood.
BJ:Yeah... so we made out for the better part of the night...
KS:How did that start?
BJ:I don't know, that I don't remember.
WF: I just remember being there, and then one minute they're talking, and I turn around and he is like, full mouth on this girl that... I didn't know what she had, but that she was definitely...
BJ:There was an apple core at her feet.
WF: ... a special ed person. And it was just so startling, it was startling to say the least.
BJ:But the Bridge Beach thing was... was I life guarding at that point? I think I must have been. I worked for the town as a lifeguard. So I guess I was life guarding...
KS:So you were at the beach that was right next to Careless Navigator?
BJ:Right, right.
WF:The next day, he was scheduled.
BJ:The next guard scheduled to be there. So I told her to meet me there. And it was a real, “Parting is such sweet sorrow,” like, “Come to the Bridge Beach!” She was like, “I'm gonna be there!” I guess she got in trouble, 'cause she never did show up, I think she got in trouble for making out with me.
WF:Bryan was screaming as we're leaving, “Bridge Beach! Bridge BEEAACH!”
BJ:She broke my heart, though, she never did show up.
KS:So the woman with CP came to her senses the next morning, and was like “I can do better than that guy.”
BJ:Yeah, if you were to ask her is there anyone you've ever regretted...
KS:“There was this one retarded guy in Highlands.”
WF:“I'm not retarded!”
BJ:I remember Hartsgrove stayed over that night, and the front door was locked, I had to crawl through the bathroom window, fucking cut the shit out of my leg, fucked it up real bad... it was worth it though. Other than that, yeah it's mostly like, “I wish I hadn't done that because now this person is gonna keep wanting to talk to me.”
KS:Like metal lady?
BJ: No, she wasn't a ho, metal lady. She was a tough fucking nut to crack, that woman. She was... for all her metal...
KS:She didn't surrender to the ways of metal completely.
BJ:She did not, she did not.
KS:She only flirted with metal.
BJ: Little bit of... it was a lot of, like, feeling up and that sort of stuff. A B-J after fucking... so much work, that it was...
KS:A lot of talking into, like “C'mon...”
BJ:A lot of begging. A lot of offering payment.
KS:“Please... I'm making out with CP chicks...”
BJ:I'm over here, in the meantime, floating in a sea of fucking sub-intelligent fucks.
Sitting alone at the Bridge Beach.
KS:“I got stood up at Bridge Beach.”
BJ:“Bridge Beeeach!”
KS:“By who? You'll never believe.”
BJ:“You're gonna feel sorry for me, you're gonna at least let me fucking go over the bra on this one.”
KS:Such a haunting image: “BRIDGE BEEEACH!”
WF:You turn the corner, they can still hear it.
BJ:You imagine it's a movie, the next shot is me waking up, with a fucking face full of dogshit, and like “Bridge Beach” is echoing...
KS:I mean, it's just like the story sounds like it's gonna end with “and I didn't go to Bridge Beach. I wasn't gonna go to Bridge Beach.”
BJ:But it literally ends... “Where the fuck is she?”
KS:...I just think it's funny that you're like, “She must have gotten in trouble.”
BJ:I'm pretty sure she did.
KS:As opposed to, she just thought it over and was like, “Fuck this.”
BJ:She got to make out with a normie, why the fuck would she not come back for more of that magic?
WF:No, I gotta agree with him, the way that she was like, hanging on him most the night, that we left, there was no doubt that she was forcibly kept away from that beach.