Read an Excerpt
Skits That TeachLactose-Free for Those Who Can't Stand Cheesy Skits
By Eddie James Tommy Woodard
ZondervanCopyright © 2006 Eddie James and Tommy Woodard (The Skit Guys)
All right reserved.
Chapter OneSKIT 1.1
"THE ANSWERING MACHINE" BY EDDIE JAMES & TOMMY WOODARD WITH THE SKITIOTS
WHAT: It's Glenn's birthday, and he must deal with the "well-wishers" who have left him messages. (Themes: identity in Christ, parents, rejection, disappointment)
WHO: Glenn, Stevie, Dad, Chinese Delivery Man, Ex-Girlfriend, Grandma, Mom
WHERE: Glenn's house
WHEN: Present day
WHY: Deuteronomy 31:8; Matthew 18:10-14; Philippians 2:3
WEAR: Answering machine, cell phone, backpack, stand for answering machine, (COSTUMES couch or some added furniture (allows audience to be brought into the scene AND PRORPS) better), sound effects for answering machine beep, current love song
HOW: Because of the timing issues of the offstage (orprerecorded) voices, it's very important that Glenn reacts to what is being said through the machine. Make sure this has been worked out beforehand with the answering machine beep. The sound could come from a "telephone toy" put up to a microphone backstage.
For prerecorded voices with beeps included, go to skitguys.com to download "The Answering Machine" mp3 for $5.99.
Glenn enters carrying a backpack, talking on his cell phone.
Glenn: Yeah, Dad, yeah, I got the tickets. I can't believe you got me tickets to the game for my birthday ... Yeah, I'll be ready when you get here ... Check the messages? Sure. See you when you get here ... I love you, too. (To answering machine) Let's see who remembered my birthday.
Glenn pushes "Play" button on the machine. Note: These messages should either be voiced through an offstage microphone or prerecorded.
Stevie: Yo, yo, yo. What's up? What's up? This is your pal Stevie wanting to wish his peep a hizzy on the b-day! Catch you later, man.
Answering machine beeps.
Chinese Delivery Herro? Dis is Wok's Up Restaurant calling to confirm you order. We have Man: one fried rice, one sesame chicken, one fortune cookie, and one pu pu platter. I think that, yes, you total is 14 dollar 95 cent. Thank you very much.
Answering machine beeps.
Stevie: Uh, this is Stevie again. I just wanted to make sure you knew that when I wished you a hizzy on the b-day I meant happy birthday. But you probably already knew that. Just checking. Bye.
Answering machine beeps.
Ex-Girlfriend: Hey you ... It's Misty. Um, I just wanted to call you up on your special day. Last year it was our special day. Remember, I made you dinner ... and I burned dinner ... and I burned you. I hope your eyebrows have grown back! I know we only went out for a week, but it was the best week of my life. Anyway, I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, but I decided to make you a cake, and ... oh my, do you hear that? (Audience can hear song in background.) It's our song! (She begins singing a few phrases of a current love ballad-badly, and nearly sobbing.) I can't take this anymore! I'm sorry. I know I'm not allowed within 500 feet of your house, so I guess I'll just eat the cake I made for you and watch (insert some romantic movie name here). (Very quick change of tone to sounding sinister) But Glenn, I hope you know that nothing can keep our love apart. Not even that restraining order. Buh-bye!
Answering machine beeps.
Delivery Man: (A little more irritated) Herro? This is Wok's Up Restaurant again. We have drive and drive, and we can't find you house. We don't find you house soon, you pu pu get cold. Pu pu good when it hot. Hot pu pu is a very good, and you pu pu getting cold. I keep driving 'round.
Answering machine beeps.
Grandma: Honey? Happy birthday from your Mee Maw and Pee Paw. (Insert age here) years! I remember it like it was yesterday. We got there about three hours after your mother had gone into labor. When you finally popped out, you were so pretty. Your Pee Paw said you looked like a dried prune, and he tried to eat you. But you know his cataracts. (She gets choked up.) I promised myself I wouldn't cry this year. Well, anyway, here's your birthday blessing: (Begins singing) Happy birthday to ...
Glenn hits the button on the machine and it beeps.
Delivery Man: (Hostile) Okay, we drive for long time looking for you house. I tell you, you go outside and I look for you. I am driving a red Rincon (Lincoln) Continental. You pu pu still getting cold. Bye!
Answering machine beeps.
Mom: Hey, it's Mom. (Glenn sits down) Um, this weekend ... I know, I know, I know this is our weekend, but something's come up. I have to go to Chicago. I'm really sorry, but I have to go. Don't make that face. I know you're making that face. This is important. I need to go so I can get that promotion. I promise I'll make it up to you. We'll go on a big shopping spree when I get back. (Short pause) Or I can just give you some money. (Then rushing) Whatever you prefer. You'll just have to spend another week at your dad's. Uh oh, that's my flight. Look, we'll sort it all out when I get back. I gotta go. Bye.
Glenn hits the button on machine and it beeps.
Glenn: (To himself) I can't believe she forgot her own son's birthday.
Glenn starts to pick up the phone and Dad enters.
Dad: Hey, Glenn, you ready? Did you check the messages?
Dad: Anything for me?
Glenn: Mom called.
Dad: To wish you a ...
Glenn: Mom can't take me this weekend.
Dad: She forgot your birthday again? (From Glenn's reaction) I'm sorry.
Glenn: I just ... I just wanna know ... What it is about me that's not worth it to her?
Dad: (Pause) Glenn. Listen. I know things aren't the way they should be, but she's still your mother, and you need to respect her. Besides, you can't live your life based on what other people think of you. (Pause) You are worth it. You're worth it to me, you're worth it to God, and I know that somewhere deep down you're worth it to your mom. What you need to realize, even though it's a hard realization, is that people just can't give what they don't have. Showing affection has always been hard for your mom. (Pause) Maybe she'll call back.
Glenn: Forget it. Let's just go.
Dad: You're sure?
They start to leave. The phone starts to ring. They turn and look at the phone.
Dad: Hey, you wanna get that? It could be your mom.
Glenn: Nah. C'mon, let's go.
They leave. Answering machine picks up.
Delivery Man: Okay, I drive for long time and I still not find you house. So I am eating you pu pu! Ruckiry it still warm. I was hungry, so I eat it. Mmmmm ... this pu pu is good. (Smacks lips a few times) You on my bad rist. You don't call us anymore. Bye!
A professionally recorded version of the answering machine voices can be downloaded at skitguys.com for $5.99.
"SIN, SPIT, AND SIGHT" BY TOMMY WOODARD & EDDIE JAMES WITH ERIC SWINK
WHAT: This skit is a fun, interactive way to read through the biblical passage of one of Jesus' greatest miracles-the healing of a blind man. (Themes: healing, salvation, power of Christ)
WHO: Reader, Blind Man, Jesus, Disciples (two to 12), Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2
WHERE: A busy street corner
WHEN: Biblical times
WHY: Psalm 30:2; Luke 6:19; John 9:1-12
WEAR: Bible (COSTUMES AND PROPS)
HOW: A note about casting: Reader should be played by whoever is going to be doing the teaching during this session. You can use from two to 12 disciples. Also, please don't feel like you need to do everything written in the script. Use what works and toss what doesn't. The reader needs to keep in mind that if one of the other actors forgets to do something, that's okay-just keep reading.
The skit begins with Reader speaking to the audience. The Reader has a Bible with the script in it so the Scripture passage is easily readable.
Reader: Today, I've asked our drama team to help me with the message by acting out a passage as I read it. They're going to show you what this particular event might have looked like. I'll be reading from John chapter nine. (Opens Bible and begins to read) As he, Jesus, went along ... (Jesus and Disciples enter) he saw a man blind from birth. (Blind Man enters from the opposite side pretending to walk with a seeing-eye dog) Um ... what are you doing?
Blind Man: I'm walking.
Reader: No, I mean, why is your arm sticking out like that?
Blind Man: Oh, that's my seeing-eye dog. Pretty good, huh?
Reader: Yeah, not bad, but they didn't have seeing-eye dogs during biblical times.
Blind Man: Oh, I didn't realize this was during biblical times.
Reader: It is from the Bible, you know.
Blind Man: Yeah, I just thought ... (Can't come up with anything) Let's try that again. (Exits stage)
Reader: Okay, let's just start all over. (Motions for Jesus and Disciples to exit stage as well) As he, Jesus, went along ... (Jesus and Disciples enter) he saw a man blind from birth.
Blind Man enters from the opposite side with arm extended as if he is being led by something much bigger than a dog.
Reader: Okay, now what are you doing?
Blind Man: Well, I thought that since they didn't have seeing-eye dogs during biblical times, I'd have a seeing-eye camel! Pretty cool, huh? It's like you can almost see the camel standing there!
Reader: Okay, look, they didn't have seeing-eye dogs or seeing-eye camels.
Blind Man: Oxen?
As Blind Man mentions each animal, he moves his arm up or down, demonstrating where each animal's leash would be.
Blind Man: Goats?
Blind Man: Llamas?
Reader: NO! Look, why don't you just sit down where you are.
Blind Man: Well, how'd I get here?
Reader: I don't know. (Looks at Bible) The Bible doesn't say. It just says he was there.
Blind Man: Are you sure they didn't have seeing-eye camels? (Raises arm back up to camel height)
Blind Man: Okay ... okay.
Reader: (Goes back to reading) His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" (Disciples just stand there silently) Hey, guys, that's your cue.
Jesus: Yeah, they don't know which one is supposed to say it.
Reader: It doesn't say; it just says, "His disciples asked him ..."
Jesus: So ... how do they know who's supposed to say it?
Reader: Look, it doesn't matter. Just say it.
Disciples all begin to speak at once, talking over each other and making it impossible to understand them. After realizing how confusing it is, they huddle together for a moment, and then stand back in their places.
Jesus: Okay, let's try that again.
Reader: His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
Disciples say the line "Rabbi, who ..." with each person saying one word right after the other.
Reader: (Looks at audience and rolls eyes) "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."
Jesus: I say what?
Reader: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."
Jesus: Neither this man nor his parents sinned. This happened at night so he could work a light display for God ... the world ... I am ... something, something, something ... whatever else you said. (Reader looks at Jesus, frustrated) What? That is a bunch of lines. Come on. At least I didn't make up a seeing-eye camel!
Blind Man: Hey, that's not very Christ-like.
Reader: Okay, that's enough. Let's keep going. Having said this, he spit on the ground ...
Jesus: (Looking at Reader) You want me to what?
Jesus: Come on, do you really think the Son of God would do that?
Reader: (Pointing at the Bible) Because it's in here.
Jesus: Oh yeah. (Begins to hawk up a big loogy)
Reader: (Disgusted) Now, I don't think he would do that.
Jesus: Sorry. (Thinks for a moment) Let there be spit.
Reader: Would you just spit?!
Jesus: Okay! (Spits)
Reader: And he made some mud with the saliva (Jesus pretends to make mud), and put it on the man's eyes.
Excerpted from Skits That Teach by Eddie James Tommy Woodard Copyright © 2006 by Eddie James and Tommy Woodard (The Skit Guys). Excerpted by permission.
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