Son of a Gun: A Memoir

Son of a Gun: A Memoir

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by Justin St. Germain

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In the tradition of Tobias Wolff, James Ellroy, and Mary Karr, a stunning memoir of a mother-son relationship that is also the searing, unflinching account of a murder and its aftermath

Tombstone, Arizona, September 2001. Debbie St. Germain’s death, apparently at the…  See more details below



In the tradition of Tobias Wolff, James Ellroy, and Mary Karr, a stunning memoir of a mother-son relationship that is also the searing, unflinching account of a murder and its aftermath

Tombstone, Arizona, September 2001. Debbie St. Germain’s death, apparently at the hands of her fifth husband, is a passing curiosity. “A real-life old West murder mystery,” the local TV announcers intone, while barroom gossips snicker cruelly. But for her twenty-year-old son, Justin St. Germain, the tragedy marks the line that separates his world into before and after.
Distancing himself from the legendary town of his childhood, Justin makes another life a world away in San Francisco and achieves all the surface successes that would have filled his mother with pride. Yet years later he’s still sleeping with a loaded rifle under his bed. Ultimately, he is pulled back to the desert landscape of his childhood on a search to make sense of the unfathomable. What made his mother, a onetime army paratrooper, the type of woman who would stand up to any man except the men she was in love with? What led her to move from place to place, man to man, job to job, until finally she found herself in a desperate and deteriorating situation, living on an isolated patch of desert with an unstable ex-cop?
Justin’s journey takes him back to the ghost town of Wyatt Earp, to the trailers he and Debbie shared, to the string of stepfathers who were a constant, sometimes threatening presence in his life, to a harsh world on the margins full of men and women all struggling to define what family means. He decides to confront people from his past and delve into the police records in an attempt to make sense of his mother’s life and death. All the while he tries to be the type of man she would have wanted him to be.
Praise for Son of a Gun
“[A] spectacular memoir . . . calls to mind two others of the past decade: J. R. Moehringer’s Tender Bar and Nick Flynn’s Another Bull____ Night in Suck City. All three are about boys becoming men in a broken world. . . . [What] might have been . . . in the hands of a lesser writer, the book’s main point . . . [is] amplified from a tale of personal loss and grief into a parable for our time and our nation. . . . If the brilliance of Son of a Gun lies in its restraint, its importance lies in the generosity of the author’s insights.”—Alexandra Fuller, The New York Times Book Review

“[A] gritty, enthralling new memoir . . . St. Germain has created a work of austere, luminous beauty. . . . In his understated, eloquent way, St. Germain makes you feel the heat, taste the dust, see those shimmering streets. By the end of the book, you know his mother, even though you never met her. And like the author, you will mourn her forever.”NPR
“If St. Germain had stopped at examining his mother’s psycho-social risk factors and how her murder affected him, this would still be a fine, moving memoir. But it’s his further probing—into the culture of guns, violence, and manhood that informed their lives in his hometown, Tombstone, Ariz.—that transforms the book, elevating the stakes from personal pain to larger, important questions of what ails our society.”The Boston Globe
“A visceral, compelling portrait of [St. Germain’s] mother and the violent culture that claimed her.”Entertainment Weekly

From the Hardcover edition.

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Editorial Reviews

Like most other murders, the 2001 Tombstone, Arizona killing of Debbie St. Germain made headlines for a few days and then faded into oblivion, but for Justin St. Germain, her twenty-year-old son, that brief hubbub was only the beginning. Unable to find closure even after a decade, he searched for a way not to solve the crime, but to understand how his mother's life had reached that juncture; a lonely desert death at the hands of her fifth husband. To make sense of it, he searched not only her history with a succession of spouses, but also our shared national tombstone history of violence. An unblinking, beautifully written memoir; editor's recommendation.

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Random House Publishing Group
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The Beast

Soon after we learned that our mother was dead, my brother and I went to a bar. We’d already worked the phones. Josh had called our grandparents, who’d been divorced for forty years but both still lived in Philadelphia. Grandpop said he’d book the first flight he could, but air travel was snarled from the attacks nine days earlier. Grandma was afraid of flying, so she stayed in her rented room in suburban Philly, wrecked and helpless. I called my dad’s house in New Hampshire, but he wasn’t home. Eventually he called back. I told him she was dead and a long pause ensued, one in a litany of silences between my father and me, stretching across the years since he’d left and the distance between us, thousands of miles, most of America. Finally he said she was a good person, that he’d always cared for her. He asked if I wanted him to fly to Arizona. I said he didn’t have to and hung up.

I emailed my professors and told them what had happened, that I wouldn’t be back in class for a while. I called the office of the college newspaper where I worked and told my boss. Josh called in sick to his bartending job. Then we sat on the couch with our roommate, Joe, an old friend from Tombstone we’d known since grade school. It was a Thursday, and we had nothing to do. Somebody suggested the French Quarter, a Cajun joint nearby that had spicy gumbo and potent hurricanes. It seemed like a good idea: I’d heard stories of grief in which the stricken couldn’t eat, but I was hungry, and I needed a drink. So that’s where we spent our first night without her.

When we walked in, President Bush was on TV, about to give a speech. The jukebox was turned off, as it had been since the attacks, because now everybody wanted to hear the news. Joe went to the bar to talk to some of the regulars. Josh and I took a booth in the corner. Orion, the bartender and a friend of ours, came over and told us he was sorry, and to have whatever we wanted on the house. I wondered if Joe had just told him or if he’d already heard. I didn’t know yet how quickly or how far the news would travel, that within a few hours we wouldn’t need to tell anyone about our mother, because everyone would already know.

I flipped through the menu but couldn’t understand it. We’d both put our cell phones on the tabletop, and mine rang, chirping as it skittered across the glass. I ignored it.

“What now?” I asked.

Josh kept his eyes on the menu and shook his head. “There’s not much we can do.”

“Should we go out there?” I didn’t know what to call the place where she’d died; it wasn’t home, because we’d never lived there, and it didn’t have a name. It was just a piece of land in the desert outside of Tombstone.

“We can’t. The property is a crime scene.”

I asked him if we should talk to the cops and he said he already had, that we were meeting with them on Monday. I asked about a funeral home and he said the coroner had to do an autopsy first, the cops said it was standard procedure. There was a long pause. My mother and her parents always said Josh was more like my father, difficult to read, and he looked like Dad, too, sharp nosed and handsome. I got more from my mother, they said, the dark and heavy brows, the temper, the heart on my sleeve. But if I was like my mother, why was I so numb?

Food arrived. Through the windows I watched the sky outside go purple and the traffic on Grant die down. A hot breeze blew through the open door. On television, President Bush identified the enemy, a vast network of terror that wanted to kill all of us, and finally he said the name of a murderer.

“Do you think Ray did it?” I asked. The police couldn’t find our stepfather or the pickup truck he and my mother owned. He was the only suspect, but I didn’t want to believe it.

Josh waited a while to respond, chewing, letting his eyes wander the walls decorated with beads and Mardi Gras masks and a neon sign above the bar that said “Geaux Tigers.”

“We’ll know for sure when they find him.”

A pool cue cracked and a ball fell into a pocket with a hollow knock. My phone rang again. I didn’t answer. My voice mail was already full, and the calls kept coming, from distant family, my friends, her friends, acquaintances from Tombstone, people I hardly knew. At first I’d answered, but the conversations went exactly the same: they’d say they were sorry and I’d thank them for calling; they’d ask for news and I’d say there wasn’t any; they’d ask if there was anything they could do and I’d say no. It was easier to let them leave a message.

On the TV, the president talked about a long campaign to come, unlike anything we’d ever seen. He said to live our lives and hug our children. He said to be calm and resolute in the face of a continuing threat.

“You think he’d come here?” I asked. Ray knew where we lived. He’d been to the house a few times, with our mother, staying on the pullout couch in the living room.

“The detective mentioned that. He said he doubted it, but to keep an eye out.”

I wondered what good that would do but didn’t ask. Josh said we’d know more on Monday, after we met with the cops.

“What do we do until then?”

I could tell Josh was wondering the same thing: what the hell were we going to do? “Wait, I guess.”

Behind me the pool table rumbled as the players began another game. I looked down at my plate, realized that my food was gone, and scanned the old newspaper articles from New Orleans pasted beneath the glass tabletop. My mother was dead. I leaned back against the vinyl seat and finished my beer, watching the president try to soothe a wounded nation. He said that life would return to normal, that grief recedes with time and grace, but that we would always remember, that we’d carry memories of a face and a voice gone forever.

Late that night, I said a prayer for the first time in months. When I was a kid, Mom had always made me say prayers before bed, and it became a habit, something I felt guilty if I didn’t do. I’d stopped praying regularly after I left home, but that night I prayed for my mother’s soul, because I knew she’d want me to, and I figured it couldn’t hurt.

I didn’t pray for my own safety; I knew better than to rely on God for that. Instead, I got up off my knees, pulled a long gray case out of my closet, laid it on the bed, and flipped the catches. Inside, on a bed of dimpled foam, lay a rifle, a gift from my father on my thirteenth birthday, an old Lee-Enfield bolt-action. I lifted it out of the case, loaded it, chambered a round, and rested it against the wall by my bed. Then I tried to sleep, but every time a car passed, I sat up to peek out the window, expecting to see Ray in our front yard.

After a few sleepless hours I got up and went to my desk. I turned on my computer, opened a Word document, and stared at the blank screen. I kept a journal, in which I wrote to the future self I imagined, chronicling important moments in my life, because I thought he might want to remember, and because it made me feel less alone. I would write about how much I missed Tombstone, how dislocated I felt after moving from a town of fifteen hundred people to a city thirty times that size, how I felt like an impostor at school, was failing half my classes, would never graduate. I wrote about girls. I wrote about money, how little I had, my mounting debt, my fear that I wouldn’t be able to cover tuition and rent. And I wrote about Mom, how she’d gone crazy after I moved out, how she and Ray had sold our trailer outside of Tombstone and gone touring the country with their horses, camping in national parks, how one day I’d get a card in the mail postmarked from Utah, and the next she’d send an email from Nebraska—all of them signed xoxo, Mom and Ray—and how she’d leave rambling messages on our answering machine at five o’clock in the morning, saying how much she loved and missed us.

I thought I should write something about that day, so the future me never forgot how it had felt to be twenty and motherless, my life possibly in danger, numb from shock and hating my own inability to feel. But I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do the feeling justice, that I’d choose the wrong words. I was in my first literature class at the time, an American lit survey, and I’d just written a paper on Henry James’s “The Beast in the Jungle.” So I did what any English major would: I quoted someone else.

My mother is dead. The Beast has sprung.

It worked. I sat down to write at the end of every day for the next few weeks, and each time the words came easily. Sometimes I return to those entries, when I’m afraid I’ve begun to forget. But I can’t read them for long without wanting to write back to my old self, to warn him of what’s to come, to tell him that the Beast will always be with us.

I woke up the first day after learning of her death and turned off my alarm, then went back to sleep until the room got too bright. When I woke again, I looked out the window at the yard full of weeds. I stood, stretched, brushed my teeth. Walking down the hall into the living room, wondering what I’d do with the day ahead—it was Friday, so I had a softball game that night, and afterward somebody would be having a party—I glanced through the screen door at the front porch and remembered.

My grandfather arrived from Philly that afternoon, pale and harried, lighting new cigarettes with the still-burning stubs of the last. We went straight from the airport to a Denny’s by the highway and sat drinking iced tea and watching cars pass by outside, planes taking off and landing, families piling out of minivans in the parking lot, other people going places. The world hadn’t stopped, despite how it seemed to us.

When our food came, we picked at it and discussed our plans. My dad had decided to come and would be flying in the next day. On Monday we had meetings scheduled with the detectives and the funeral director and my mother’s bank and lawyer, a gauntlet none of us wanted to think or talk about. My mother’s closest friend, Connie, was taking care of the horses and Chance, Ray’s dog, who’d been left behind. She said that my mother’s property was still cordoned off, that the cops were there in a helicopter, looking for Ray or for his body. We’d go to Tombstone in the morning. For now, there was nothing we could do but try to get some rest.

Grandpop went back to his hotel. Josh and I went home and sat on the couch watching pirated cable for the rest of the after­noon. As the room began to dim, I checked the time and remembered that I had a softball game in half an hour. I went to my room and changed. When I walked out carrying my bat bag, Josh asked where I was going.

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What People are saying about this

From the Publisher
Advance praise for Son of a Gun

“From an incident of heartbreaking violence, Justin St. Germain has created a clear-eyed and deeply moving meditation on family, geography and memory, and how difficult it is to find our place in any of them. Son of a Gun is an extraordinary memoir.”—Kevin Powers, author of The Yellow Birds
“There is a sort of gracefulness in the cadences, and a lovely control of rhythm in the sentences, which do justice to the themes of loss and love that are at the center of this memoir. There is also a level of coiled and accurately conveyed emotion, a careful way of telling truth, and an unsparing release of heartbreak. All of these make Son of a Gun compelling and vivid.”—Colm Tóibín, author of The Testament of Mary
“Try not to marvel at the bare-knuckle prose, try not to get your heart torn to pieces, try not to feel lost in the scabby, sand-scoured western landscape, try not to fall in love with one of the most beautifully raw, brutally honest memoirs I’ve read—I dare you.”—Benjamin Percy, author of Red Moon
“Intelligent and compassionate at every step, Justin St. Germain stares down his troubled Tombstone boyhood, from shooting cap guns in the shadow of the O.K. Corral to piecing together his murdered mother’s final moments. This is a searing story bravely told.”—Claire Vaye Watkins, author of Battleborn

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Son of a Gun: A Memoir 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 25 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A total thrill ride. The author paints complex pictures of the details of the murder of his mother. It is a very well written, very interesting book to read. I give it my highest recommendation.
WhisperGant More than 1 year ago
Justin St. Germain is a brave storyteller. His writing is solid, if not polished. The story is mesmerizing though. The story leaps off the page. I couldn't put this one down until I was done. Then I felt emotionally exhausted. St. Germain takes you on his journey and it is a wild one.
AuntMay More than 1 year ago
A stunning book about a murder and the after-affects. In the process we learn about the author's mother-son relationship. The writing is very good.
MdExTx More than 1 year ago
I got this book from my local library after seeing a review in the New York Times. Justin St. Germain tells the story of his mother's murder in conjunction with the story of Tombstone Arizona and the gunfight at the OK Corral. The story is compelling without being suspenseful, since the reader knows at the beginning what will happen. St. Germain explores the woman his mother was and how that led to the choices she made, and how her raising of him formed him into the man he is, and how he coped with her murder. He also ties in the death of a woman that had been a neighbor of theirs who was also murdered by her estranged husband. I highly recommend this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Authentic and melancholy, this is a remarkable book. Every word rang true for me, and the writing was exceptional.
MullyJS More than 1 year ago
I have a lot of respect for the author of this book. Justin St. Germain tells a very unhappy tale but one he and his brother survive. To me it's a critical book for those working within victim networks and officers in training. But also those who just want a good book. It doesn't leave you sad but more satisfied that the author somehow worked through the answers. It was a very good book. 
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
If you want a sit on the edge of your seat book this is not it. If you want an interesting book about troubled children growing up and how it affects them this is it. You also get a great look at Tombstone the town and it's history. I have been there so it was interesting for me to learn more about it.
DianeCascade More than 1 year ago
Son of a Gun is an amazing piece of literature. The writing is great and really draws the reader in. Five stars
abySB More than 1 year ago
I really enjoyed St. Germain's recounting of what he found out about his mother's murder. Good details about his mother and his growing-up years. I would recommend without hesitation, particularly if you live in the area where this crime took place, as I do.
Ann89 More than 1 year ago
What a book!! I read it in one day! Justin is so young and yet such a good writer! His mother's love is always there for him and his brother. As a mom and grandma, I have to say Justin, to gain peace, you have to forgive Ray and go back to Catholicism.Your mother would want that and pray for her. I think her life went array because her parents were divorced and she did not get a stable moral life, which she deserved!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This well written memoir gives the reader great insight into the pain caused by a "senseless" murder. Although you don't ever get all the answes, this book takes you on a journey to discover why this tragedy occurred. Another excellent book on the Nook is "The Partisan" by William Jarvis. This novel also traces a great tragedy during World War II. It is based on facts and is only 99 cents right now. Both books deserve A++++++
Anonymous 4 days ago
Tough subject, beautifully written. This author's way with words is so wonderful - he could write anything and I would read it.
Anonymous 24 days ago
I really enjoyed the raw emotion that the author makes the reader feel. This book is about the sad reality of domestic violence and the victims left behind to make sense of it. Working with victims for over 20 years some woman get out but most repeat it over and over picking partners that abuse them like the authors mother. Well written and a wonderful glimpse of a great mother/son relationship. Your mother is proud!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Mom_of_3_in_NJ More than 1 year ago
This is a very well written book and an emotional story. I was touched by the author's honesty and how he shared his journey with us.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
An excellent portrayal of the chaos inside a family who experiences murder. The raw emotions were so accurately described. I unfortunately understand it all since my daughter was murdered 14 years ago. Life gets very confused. I appreciated the tremendous strength to look at the rawness and anger that surrounds a survivor. Very well written and appreciated by someone who has been there.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Slow, not much plot or action. A story that I had to force myself to finish. Disappointed
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous 23 days ago
And drawn out
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The book was therapy for the author.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
details, told by the author
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago