Today was my first appointment with Dr. Gold, and of course Mom was more nervous about my appointment than me. She went through my closet before school and started picking out different outfits that looked cute, like we were deciding what I should wear to a boy-girl party. She even made me change sweaters three times, and I ended up wearing an itchy mohair one. "I can't believe you're dressing me up for the shrink!" I said, but Mom told me I wasn't dressed up. Then the second I met Julie on the corner to walk to school, she asked what I was all dressed up for. I said I wasn't all dressed up, but Julie said I normally don't wear mohair sweaters and lip gloss unless I like someone. She kept bugging me the whole way because she thought I wouldn't tell her who I liked.
I finally got rid of Julie at school, but then I was walking over to my usual trash can to throw out my lunch when Jason Meyer cornered me in the hallway. Jason always tries to hang out with the popular boys, but believe me, they hate his guts because he makes stupid jokes all the time. Anyway, since I haven't been talking to Leslie or anyone since they made a big deal about the Presidential Physical Fitness Award, I didn't even know about the school carnival this Friday. So when Jason asked me to go with him, I was pretty surprised. I mean, I wasn't planning on going in the first place, but even if I was, I'd never go with Jason, even if I'm not popular anymore.
The problem is, I wanted to be nice about it because everyone else is so mean to Jason, but I also didn't want Leslie or Lana to see me in the hall with him. So I told Jason it had nothing to do with him personally, it's just that I didn't want to go to the carnival. It was a big lie, of course, because if Chris asked me, I'd probably go with him, but I figured Jason would fall for it because he's so dense. But he's so dense that he wouldn't leave me alone about going with him, even though I only made up the lie in the first place so I wouldn't hurt his feelings. Then the bell rang and I had to run all the way to homeroom so Mr. Miller wouldn't give me a tardy. The worst part was, I never got a chance to dump my lunch. That meant I had to smell food in my desk until recess, which made me kind of hungry.
When it was finally time for my appointment after school, the mohair sweater Mom made me wear was itching like mad. Mom decided to drive me there because she said she didn't want Dr. Gold to think I was an orphan. She sure seemed to be worrying a lot about what Dr. Gold might think of her, even though I was the one who was supposed to be crazy. Dr. Gold didn't have any Redbook magazines in his waiting room, though, so Mom decided to prepare me for my appointment while we waited. "Try to remember what he says when he explains why you're doing this to us," she said. "Don't forget to tell him that we can't take much more of this, and that we just don't know what to do with you anymore."
Finally Dr. Gold came out and shook Mom's hand, and told me to go inside. Mom smiled and started to say how concerned she was about me, but right when Dr. Gold was about to close the door, she started crying. I told Dr. Gold that maybe Mom should take the appointment instead of me, but Dr. Gold just said it was my session and he didn't want to take up my time. Then he talked to Mom until she calmed down and left. I wish he'd show me how to do that sometime. I figured Dr. Katz was right about Dr. Gold being so great, but when Dr. Gold came in and sat down on his big leather chair, I knew he couldn't help me. You should see him. He's almost as fat as Dr. Katz.
"Why don't you tell me a little bit about what's been going on recently," Dr. Gold said in a really quiet voice. I figured Dr. Katz forgot to tell me that you're supposed to whisper at the shrink, so I whispered to Dr. Gold that I knew Dr. Katz already told him about me, and it was stupid for me to repeat everything. But Dr. Gold whispered that he wanted to hear in my own words what's been going on, and I have to admit, I kind of liked him for asking. No one cares what I think anymore. Then I whispered to Dr. Gold that the only thing going on is that everyone's making a big deal because I'm on a diet, and that I don't understand why I have to see a psychiatrist when everyone who's popular at school is on a diet, too.
That made Dr. Gold nod at me for a long time. I didn't know why he bothered asking me a question if he wasn't planning on talking anymore. He was really boring me, so I looked down at my thighs and tried to multiply eight sets of leg-lifts per leg, times 40 calories, times seven days, and divide that by 3500 calories, which equals a pound, all in my head. I was right in the middle of multiplying when Dr. Gold asked if I thought the girls at school who diet are overweight. It was such a stupid question that I forgot to whisper when I answered. "Of course they aren't overweight, didn't I already say they were popular?" I mean, duh. But Dr. Gold just nodded again, then he wanted to know if I thought I was overweight. I pointed at my uncrossed thighs so he could see for himself, and he nodded like crazy. Finally, someone understands.
After that, Dr. Gold got out some paper and a pencil and asked me to draw pictures of my friends and me. I told him I'm bad at art, but he just held out the pencil and smiled. I was starting to think that maybe something was wrong with Dr. Gold -- you know, nodding and smiling all the time for no reason. He kind of scared me, so I figured I should draw what he wanted. I took the pencil and drew Leslie, Lana, Tracy, and me. Except I'm the one with the thunder thighs in the picture, not Tracy. Then I gave the drawing back to Dr. Gold.
Dr. Gold looked at the drawing and nodded some more, then he gave me more paper and asked me to draw my "ideal" of what I want to look like. He was still whispering the whole time. I almost complained, but when I saw Dr. Gold smiling at me again, I decided to do what he asked. He was really giving me the creeps.
So I picked up the pencil and drew a girl I want to look like. She was tall and skinny, but she had my face and hair. When Dr. Gold took the drawing back, he didn't nod. "This is a stick figure," he said, like I didn't understand the assignment the first time. "Try to draw a realistic picture of how you'd like to look. Don't worry if you aren't very good at art." He must have thought I was terrible at art. I tried explaining how that was exactly the way I want to look, but Dr. Gold said I wouldn't be alive if I looked like that drawing. "Well if you don't like it, then stop asking me to draw pictures of what I want to look like," I said, then I told him to forget the whole thing. What an idiot.
But Dr. Gold didn't seem like he was forgetting the whole thing, because he kept looking at my drawings and nodding to himself. Finally he asked about my family. "Tell me about what's been going on during dinnertime in your house," he said. I was wondering how much time was left before I could go home and exercise, but I didn't want Dr. Gold to tell Dr. Katz that I'm crazy, so I decided to answer him. "Well, you know, we eat around 6:30. Maria and Mom make dinner, and Dad tells jokes, and David and I laugh and talk about how fun school was," I said. Except I was really talking about the family on The Brady Bunch. The truth is, I didn't feel like telling Dr. Gold anything personal anymore.
After that, Dr. Gold wanted to know what I like to do for fun. I have to admit, I was pretty surprised since that's not one of the usual questions adults keep asking me lately. So I told him that I like to play chess and read books and do math problems, but the minute I said it, I wanted to take it back. I figured Dr. Gold would definitely tell Dr. Katz I'm crazy because I didn't say that I like to go shopping and follow boys around all day.
But Dr. Gold didn't call me crazy. Instead he took a chessboard out of his desk and started setting up the pieces. He even said I could be white if I wanted, since white goes first, and we played chess until it was time to go. I was three moves away from winning when his light went on, which Dr. Gold said meant that someone else came in the entrance door and was waiting for the next appointment. Probably some other lady on a diet.
On the way out, I asked Dr. Gold if he thought I was crazy. I really wanted to know. He said that no one thinks I'm crazy, but I told him that my parents think I'm crazy, and so do my teachers and friends and Dr. Katz. Then he didn't say anything, so I asked him why I have to go to a shrink if I'm not crazy. That's when Dr. Gold said that people see psychiatrists just to have someone to talk to. I'll bet Dr. Katz told him how I have no friends left at school. I knew Dr. Gold wanted me to go because he had another person waiting, but I had one last question first.
"Why are psychiatrists called shrinks?" I asked. Dr. Gold laughed for the first time and said that the word comes from an old wives' tale about healers who had the power to shrink the heads of their patients. Then he practically pushed me out the exit door. So I walked to the elevator, then I figured I'd take the stairs for the exercise. I usually count the number of stairs to figure out how many calories I'm burning, but today I was still thinking about what Dr. Gold said. I mean, if a shrink can shrink you, maybe seeing Dr. Gold once a week won't be that bad.
When I got home from Dr. Gold's, Mom and Dad wanted to know how the appointment went. "What did Dr. Gold say?" Mom wondered. She probably wanted to know if he figured out why I'm ruining her life. I told her that we just played chess for a while, which didn't thrill Dad too much. "I paid that man eighty dollars so you could play chess?" he asked. "I guess," I said, but then I thought his vein might start popping out, and I didn't feel like getting in a fight right before we had to leave for Parents' Night at school. So before anyone could scream at me, I ran up to my room. Besides, I couldn't wait to change out of that itchy mohair sweater.
Copyright © 2000 by Lori Gottlieb