Sticky Doorknobs: How to Laugh in the Face of Chaos and Assorted Tales from a Frazzled Dad

Overview

Sticky Doorknobs is a frazzled dad's humorous look at how to survive parenthood and lesser forms of chaos.
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Overview

Sticky Doorknobs is a frazzled dad's humorous look at how to survive parenthood and lesser forms of chaos.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780595143771
  • Publisher: AuthorHouse
  • Publication date: 11/7/2000
  • Pages: 228
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 9.00 (h) x 0.52 (d)

Table of Contents

Foreword xiii
Acknowledgements xv
Introduction xix
1 Daughters: Driving Miss Goalie 3
The Great School Supply Hunt 3
The Scattering of the American Family 6
Going For Broke En Route to Soccer Practice 8
Dinner: How 'Bout Six Months from Tuesday? 12
Dad Tips For Surviving Back to School Week 14
Courting the Soccer Mom Vote 15
First Question: Will Homework Never End? 17
Get that Glossy Red Folder Out Of Here 20
With Weekends Like This, Bring on Monday 22
2 The Boy: When Thighs Double As Playground Equipment 29
Bottomless Pit: A Day in the Life of a 2-year-old's Belly 29
Toys Shoved in VCRs and Floaty Things in Drinks 32
Last Thing To Mature On A Kid? Taste Buds 36
Some Rules of Dress Only Dads Should Teach 39
Potty Training: The Miniseries 41
This I Know For Sure: Three-Year-Olds Are Immortal 48
Kids Crawling Into Bed Can Be A Real Nightmare 51
Two-Year-Olds Have A Monopoly On Hard-Headedness 53
Manipulation DNA: All Toddlers Have It 56
3 Family: This Story Just in from Dad... 63
Because She's Your Mother That's Why 63
If It's Bedtime, Then Why Aren't They In Bed? 65
What Qualifies As Big News As Different As Apples And Raisins 69
But God Said I Could! 71
Dinnertime Often Like The Evening News 73
Virgil And The Instruction Manual (Or, How NOT To Assemble A Swingset) 75
If We Can Have Virtual Pets, Why Not Giga-Dads? 77
IRS Says We Have No Children 79
IRS Says We Have Children Again 82
Flat Tires, Bulging Neck Veins And Snowy New Mexico Roads 85
Honey I Flattened The Cat 89
Never Forget The Soap In A Public Campground 92
Family Vacations In Small Cabins: Not A Good Idea 96
Returning From Vacation No Fun At All 100
When Reality Bites Into Your Second Honeymoon 103
4 Sister Acts 109
Not Much Slumbering Going On At These Parties 109
Problems Coming To Grips With The Stare 112
Two Sisters, One Bathroom, Thirty Minutes--Big Trouble 115
Hold The Phone: When Adults Stop Calling The House 117
Sure You Can Go Out and Play...If Your Room Is Clean 119
Up A Tree: Parents Threaten Mass Exodus If Kids Don't Clean Their Rooms 122
Getting Kids To Stop Wiggling Is Like Pulling Teeth 125
With An Assist By The Hairy Eyeball, Mrs. P Hands Down The Curse 128
5 Growin' Up: Shake Your Booty and Other Magical Nostalgia 135
Proms & Reunions: All About Lookinnnnnn' Goooooood 135
Reunions: Tons O'Fun For Spouses 138
8-Track Flashback: Dressing As Dad On Halloween A Frightening Thought 140
Big Brother Turns 50 143
Never Stand Between A Boy And His Hot Wheels 145
6 Wives And Other Hazards Of Sex 151
A Marriage Goes Down The Drain In A Matter Of Moments 151
Be Safe: Stay out of Her Path 154
Looks Like It Might Be A Long Summer 156
The Green Scarf Goes Better, But What Do I Know? 159
Doghouse Money Must Be Worked Into The Family Budget Each Month 162
How To Install A Dishwasher AND Remain Happily Married 165
If People Were Cars 167
Scrabble Night at Our House 169
Women Know Heat, Men Know Directions 172
Women Are Great At Packing For A Trip 175
Women Have Too Many Rules For Living 177
Perception: The Big And Small Of It All 179
7 Holidays & Other Celebrations 185
Hamburgers Won't Cut It For Mother's Day 185
Spring Forward, Fall Hard 187
Be Careful: He's A Green M&M--And He's Armed 190
What If My Kids Had Been At The First Thanksgiving 192
Dear Family: This Year I Made It A Federal Offense To Write And Mail Yearly Form Letters 195
Tis The Season No More: So This Is A Bad Thing? 199
A Few Of My Favorite Things 202
About the Author 205
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