Stop Being Pushed Around!

Stop Being Pushed Around!

by Lynda Bevan
     
 
Something is not quite right and you're not sure what it is...
  • Are you getting pushed around?
  • Do you feel you need to do everything asked of you by your partner or anyone else?
  • Do you feel you have to fulfill all your partner's needs no matter what?
  • Are you frightened of being unable to survive without your partner?
  • Are you picked on and
  • Overview

    Something is not quite right and you're not sure what it is...

  • Are you getting pushed around?
  • Do you feel you need to do everything asked of you by your partner or anyone else?
  • Do you feel you have to fulfill all your partner's needs no matter what?
  • Are you frightened of being unable to survive without your partner?
  • Are you picked on and undermined if you question your partner on any issue?
  • Is your self-esteem low?
  • Have you lost your confidence?
  • Do you remember a time when you could think for yourself and deal with most of the things that life throws at you?
  • Do you ask yourself, "where have I gone wrong and how can I put it right?"
  • Do you ask yourself, "where is the person who could deal with the daily problems of relationships and life, gone, or indeed have I not yet learned to think and act for myself?"

    If you answered YES to any of these questions, then this book is for you.

    Stop Being Pushed Around! is an essential tool in assisting you to change your position from being emotionally dependent on your partner to becoming emotionally independent. It will assist you in changing from being emotionally inadequate to becoming emotionally adequate.

    This book will enable you to become the person you once were or it can change you to becoming the person you have always wanted to be.

    Book #3 in the 10-Step Empowerment Series

    From Loving Healing Press (www.LovingHealing.com)

  • Product Details

    ISBN-13:
    9781932690453
    Publisher:
    Loving Healing Press
    Publication date:
    11/21/2007
    Series:
    10-Step Empowerment Series
    Pages:
    128
    Product dimensions:
    6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.30(d)

    Read an Excerpt

    Stop Being Pushed Around!
    A Practical Guide


    By Lynda Bevan
    Loving Healing Press
    Copyright © 2008 Lynda Bevan
    All right reserved.

    ISBN: 978-1-932690-45-3



    Chapter One
    Step 1: Are You a Victim?

    Definitions of victim

    An unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance

    A person who is tricked or swindled

    Someone who has suffered from an unlawful act, whether it is a personal or a property crime

    A person harmed by another's action

    A person on whom sexual violence is inflicted

    Someone who suffers some loss as a result of another's action

    An individual who suffers direct or threatened physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual harm as a result of a crime/domestic abuse.

    We shall examine the role of] will look at the role of "victim" in adult marriage/partnership relationships and will explain how to change the role from "victim" to "survivor". In Appendix A, we expand this model to include workplace bullying.

    You are a victim if ...

    you believe that you have no control over your life

    you believe that you can do nothing right

    you believe that no-one really cares for you

    you are often negative

    you waiting for someone to rescue you

    you put pressure on you partner to make everything alright for you

    you opt out of life

    you are fearful

    your are insecure

    you are usually depressed or anxious

    you feel under constant threat of something bad happening

    you sabotage positive thinking and behavior

    you are distrustful

    you wait for disasters to occur

    you have emotional problems

    you may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape

    you are isolated from friends and family

    you withdraw from real life

    A 'victim' in a marriage/partnership relationship sucks and drinks the energy of the other member. A 'victim' is a 'bloodsucker' draining the partner of energy, enthusiasm and drive. 'Victims' are negative and/or can't be bothered to do anything constructive for themselves so they rely on a partner or anyone else to give them what they want at any cost. They will surrender control of their lives over to their partner in the hope that their partner will make everything alright.

    A 'victim' needs to work hard to stay the same in order to prevent life changes. Victimhood is enabled by the partner doing things to help the victim. A 'victim' has taken a long time to become this way and will be extremely reluctant to surrender the role. If you are living with a 'victim' or are a 'victim' yourself, you will know that by opting out of responsibility and accountability you are, in effect, the controller of the relationship, albeit a negative controller.

    To victimize someone is to persecute them. To victimize someone is also to 'pester' them. Slow and deliberate pestering can wear an individual down into an anxious/depressive state of mind. Pestering (nagging) is to persistently annoy someone into surrender.

    "When persecuting/victimizing someone, you are subjecting them to harassment designed to injure, grieve and afflict." (Merriam-Webster)

    Example of Becoming a Victim

    A lady I have counseled told me that she had tried, very hard, to mend her broken marriage with her husband. When they separated, she had moved out of the family home with her children and moved back to her mother's home nearby. The couple remained in touch daily. He visited her mother's home every weekend to spend quality time with his children. Eventually, both parties accepted the break-up but were eager that the children would not suffer unduly.

    During this phase, they continued sleeping together on the weekend visits and generally behaved as if they were still in a marriage. My patient was happy with this situation because she wanted to reconcile and give the marriage a second chance. Her husband seemed happy with this arrangement and gave her all the signs that this is what he wanted also. This situation continued for some 18 months. As time moved on, however, this lady began to realize that she had become a victim of her husband's controlling behavior yet again.

    The weekend typically began with her welcoming him into her mum's home on a Friday evening with a hearty meal, wine and the warmth of a loving family atmosphere. The following day he took the children on a daytrip and she never knew whether she would be invited to 'tag' along. She always was invited eventually, but the question always hung in the air until the last possible moment when he grudgingly agreed to her coming along, usually after a request from one of the children.

    It dawned on her that even when they had lived together permanently, her views had still never been taken into consideration. Indeed, she told me that when the family embarked on a daytrip she was never allowed to suggest a place to visit. If she volunteered an opinion, he would say quite curtly, "No-one is interested in where you want to go, your opinion in unimportant."

    She also recalled being told to keep her head down as she walked along the road while taking their newly born baby for a walk in the pram, as she was offending passers-by because she was so ugly. During the years she was married to him, he had brainwashed her into believing that she was not up to much and "lucky to have met and married him." Slow and persistent brainwashing had reduced her to believing she could make nothing of herself and her life and was, therefore, privileged and grateful to have him. She became a 'victim' because she did not have the confidence to stand up to her controlling husband.

    This is an all too familiar story of how to become a victim.

    If You Are A Victim ...

    You believe you're at your partner's mercy

    You smile when you want to cry

    You pretend that everything is alright

    You tip-toe around your partner all the time (treading on egg shells)

    You will do your partner's bidding-no matter the consequence to yourself

    You give-up on yourself

    You experience suppressed anger and frustration

    You become nondescript

    You have a low self-esteem

    You block out emotions

    You believe you are unloved

    Your life is flat-lining

    You are depressed and/or anxious

    You opt out of all responsibility and accountability, preferring their partner to make decisions

    "If you had a friend who talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, would you continue to hang around with that person?" -Rob Bremer

    Here are some examples of positive responses a victim can choose on how to deal with a controller:

    Take control of yourself and your life

    Don't be afraid to show your feelings: learn when it is appropriate to do this.

    Encourage open discussions, to enable you both to have a better understanding of each other's point of view.

    Realize you are never going to get it right, so stop trying to be perfect.

    Be reasonable, flexible and fair in your responses, but know when enough is enough: you will know when this happens by the feeling in your gut that screams-stop.

    Treat yourself kindly.

    Acknowledge how much you have achieved.

    Don't be afraid to recognize your needs, wants and desires-you have a right to them.

    Accept that you "can't have it all," but make sure you "get some."

    Take charge of yourself and know that any change you want to achieve in your life is up to you.

    A negative controller is someone who ...

    has usually been abused (emotionally/physically) as a child

    has frustrations that turn into anger

    is jealous and possessive in relationships and lacks trust in people generally

    has deep-seated insecurity issues

    focuses on the relationship to the exclusion of family and friends

    views compromise as a weakness

    has an unacknowledged low self-esteem

    shifts blame on to other people

    places high demands on the partner in the relationship, mainly because they he/she had little or no control in their own life

    is moody and subject the victim to either being charming or cruel

    has learned to be this way in order to deceive others

    vents frustrations on the partner through a false identification of the partner with one of the controller's parents (usually the mother)

    If you are a controller, here are ways that you get the upper hand and create a 'victim'

    By bullying your partner

    By manipulating your partner to get your own way

    By frightening you partner into submission

    By having a need to control your partner, situations and outcomes

    By shifting blame from yourself on to your partner

    By showing disrespect to your partner

    By criticizing your partner

    By sabotaging yourself or your partner

    "We almost always have choices, and the better the choice, the more we will be in control of our lives." -William Glasser

    I will take each of these styles and explain them. As I have already explained "victim", I will proceed with "bullying". Another way to gain control in a relationship is to bully your partner into submission until they surrender all control of their life to you (they become a victim). Bullies are inferior, inadequate people. They pick on sensitive, vulnerable people in order to feel superior.

    To bully someone is to abuse your power in the worst way possible. Slow, cunning and persistent bullying can make the most confident individual a "gibbering wreck". Bullies are predators, hunting to find their victims. Bullies never give up-hounding their victims until they completely surrender and have no self-worth or identity.

    Example of Bullying

    I once counseled a confident, articulate lady who was the victim of bullying. She told me that her friends were all surprised that she had become a victim to bullying from her husband. She was competent and able and holding down a responsible job. Despite these circumstances, she succumbed to bullying. At first, of course, she didn't recognize that she was being bullied. She believed that all suggestions and advice were well meant and she listened intently when given any guidance and direction by her husband. She realized she was being bullied when she saw the reaction from her husband when she didn't take the advice/suggestions offered.

    She felt whittled down into carrying out his every demand by the fear that he would leave her. She loved her husband and wanted to be with him forever at whatever cost. This cost was high and she paid it: he ruled the roost. He called the tune and she danced to it. The constant fear hanging over her head was that if she didn't do as he said he was going to walk out of her life forever. She couldn't cope with the possibility of living her life without the man she loved and be alone forever. This lady lived a double life. In the work arena she was a confident, able person who people turned to for help and advice. At home, she was a servile 'yes' woman who did as she was told.

    She did stand up for herself, on some occasions, but these were short-lived because the threatening reaction and outbursts of anger she experienced from her husband frightened her and quickly put her back into her 'rightful' place beneath him. This lady tried all options available to her to change her husband. It took years for her to realize and accept that with all the best will in the world, the only person you can change is yourself. She was scared to change herself for fear of finding out that he wouldn't love her if her behavior changed and she became her own person. All she wanted was an equal relationship with him. Eventually she had no option but to change some aspects of herself. She was becoming frustrated and grossly unhappy in the relationship and the choice became apparent that either she began the process of changing herself or ending the relationship she had fought so hard to keep. The process began and, thankfully, in the most part has proved successful.

    Some negative reactions to being bullied are:

    To experience being demoralized

    To be intimidated

    To be embarrassed

    To feel humiliated

    To be ridiculed

    To be patronized

    To be criticized

    To be ignored or dismissed

    To be overruled

    Some positive ways to respond to bullying are:

    Avoid or delay responding

    Refuse to give up and give in

    Respond with courage

    Stand up and be counted-a bully is a coward

    Realize the bully is a frightened, inadequate individual-not the threatening monster he/she appears to be

    Be responsible for who you are and what you say

    Ignore pubic humiliation attempts, other people recognize what's happening and the person is quickly identified as a 'bully' and disrespected and disliked

    Be strong and proud of who you are and what you have achieved

    Realize that you will be better off if the bully does leave you, because the bullying will stop

    If you feel that the bullying is going to turn into violence-contact a responsible agency in Appendix B.

    "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." -Harvey Fierstein (1952-)

    Always Getting Your Own Way

    This is the desire to have total control in the relationship and putting you first at any price: being totally selfish. This individual is frightened of losing total control. Such a person is scared that, if they are not in control of all situations and people nearest to them, their circumstances/life could change dramatically and they would be left 'high and dry'.

    They have no basic self-respect or do not like themselves and believe they are not liked or respected by others and, therefore, they have a desperate need to stay in control in order to keep and preserve what they have. They feel that they are failures.

    They manipulate those people closest to them by any method that works for them.

    Here are some examples:

    Menacing behavior

    Coaxing and cajoling

    Luring you into a false sense of security

    Sulking

    Aggression

    Attacking

    Bribery

    Threatening

    Pretending to walk out, as if never to return to trigger a fear of abandonment in you

    Violent behavior (as in slamming doors, stamping around the house)

    Body language (large and looming over you)

    Accusing

    Blaming

    Physical Violence (when this occurs, or if there is a strong probability of this happening in your relationship-contact a responsible agency in Appendix B)

    In my opinion, this type of person is only respected superficial acquaintances. This controlling type can be friendly, talkative and interesting in professional and social situations. It is only when someone oversteps the self-imposed boundaries of the controller that outsiders will spot that the person is intolerant, aggressive, rude and threatening.

    Example: Some years ago I saw a patient who told me that his wife had forbidden him to visit his longstanding friend (he had been friends with this person for twenty years). The reason his wife had initially given was that she did not personally know his friend and had never been invited to visit him. She was angry and felt excluded from the relationship and, worse, accused him of having a homosexual relationship with his friend. She was very angry and aggressive while discussing this issue, which caused a major disruption in the household. While my patient could accept the point his wife made regarding feeling excluded from the long-standing friendship, he could not, and would not, accept the accusation that he was conducting a homosexual affair with his friend.

    However, he discussed this issue with his friend and, despite the inexcusable remarks, an invitation was extended to her to "call in any time" for a chat. The woman refused the invitation because she felt that she was being fobbed off as no definite invitation date had been extended. My patient continued to see his friend (once/twice a week) popping in for a coffee and a chat. It was a ridiculous situation and he felt guilty doing something without his wife's knowledge. However, he felt he needed to make a stand on this issue.

    On one occasion when he was visiting his friend, there was a knock at the door and his wife appeared on the doorstep. My patient's friend invited her in to his home for a coffee but she refused and was very hostile, angry and rude. She had called in to the friend's house on the pretence to tell her partner that she was going somewhere and would not return for a couple of hours. What she was actually doing was making her presence felt in the most threatening and intimidating manner. She left her husband in no doubt of the confrontation that was to follow later. She was, in other words, menacing him. My patient was totally embarrassed and fearful of the outcome. He had experienced this behavior many times from his wife, and had always made excuses for her and accommodated her outbursts. He loved his wife and wanted a successful marriage but he also wanted to "hang out" with his friend and be able to "shoot the breeze," occasionally, as they had done prior to his marriage.

    (Continues...)



    Excerpted from Stop Being Pushed Around! by Lynda Bevan Copyright © 2008 by Lynda Bevan. Excerpted by permission.
    All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
    Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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