Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

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by Margalis Fjelstad
     
 

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People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate…  See more details below

Overview

People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate relationships, they can be emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling—in the extreme. Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant, like flipping a switch. These negative behaviors don’t happen once in a while, they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often, and especially with their Caretaker family member.

Here, Margalis Fjelstad describes how people get into a Caretaker role with a Borderline or Narcissist, and how they can get out. Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the Borderline or Narcissist needs them to be. This compromises the Caretaker’s self-esteem, distorts their thinking processes, and locks them into a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer pattern with the Borderline or Narcissist. The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows Caretaker’s how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier, more productive, and positive lifestyle—with or without the Borderline/Narcissistic partner or family member. It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the Borderline or Narcissist and how to take new, more effective actions to focus on personal wants, needs, and life goals while allowing the Borderline or Narcissist to take care of themselves. It presents a realistic, yet compassionate, attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships, and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their Caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions.

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Editorial Reviews

Library Journal
While the title of this book may confuse some, its contents demonstrate a solid understanding of dysfunctional relationships between borderline (BP) or narcissistic (NP) patients and their loved ones. Psychotherapist Fjelstad uses the word "caretaker" to identify partners and family members who enable typical BP/NP behavior at the expense of achieving their own goals and preserving their own sanity. The author begins with an excess of questions to assist caretakers in identifying destructive behaviors. As the text progresses, the writing becomes more fluid and accessible. Fjelstad outlines the pros and cons of staying with vs. leaving a BP/NP partner, and suggests therapy and self-coaching strategies to help caretakers regain confidence. The book includes case studies, though they focus on the negative and make little mention of the addictive, intoxicating lure of these relationships. Compatible with Paul Mason's Stop Walking on Eggshells, (2010) as an introduction to coping with BP/NP individuals. VERDICT Despite the cryptic title and occasionally awkward writing, Fjelstad delivers a thorough self-help guide for caretakers of BP/NP patients. Recommended for psychology collections.—Chrissy Spallone, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting Lib.
Randi Kreger
If your borderline or narcissistic family member won’t or can’t get help, this book will help you get over your fear, obligation and guilt and get on with your own wonderful life.
Elayne Savage
Margalis Fjelstad 's Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is a must-have tool for disentangling from Borderline/Narcissistic Personality family patterns. I especially appreciate the important distinction made between codependency and caretaking. This book makes a complicated subject easy to read and understand. Fjelstad skillfully puts things in perspective by giving thorough attention to Rescuer/Victim/Persecutor dynamics in the 'Drama Triangle.’
Scott Barry Kaufman
Indispensable insight and advice for anyone who feels a loss of control due to his or her relationship with a toxic person. This book offers hope that control and confidence can be regained, while offering understanding that allows for prevention of such psychologically damaging relationships in the future.
Stefan A. Pasternack
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Nacissist is a well written book which highlights in straight forward language how people get caught in pathological caretaking roles. The author provides a self-assessment test which itself will help people recognize just how they have allowed themselves to be manipulated into being self-defeating, pathologically altruistic and how they unwittingly may collude with their borderline or narcissistic partner. She also offers clinical insights and advice on how to progress from being in a negative " drama triangle" to a more autonomous person in a "caring triangle" based on mutuality and reciprocity. This book is a self-help manual for identifying and changing maladaptive behavior.
Metapsychology Online Reviews
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Fjelsta&dacute;s book and I found it informative, exciting, and above all very well written. Fjelstad is truly honest and frank about the fact that the borderline and narcissist are mentally ill and unwilling to change. She is open about the fact that caretakers too get something from the situation and that it is up to them to break the cycle of caretaking since the BP or NP is not going to change their ways. Fjelstad's advice is well thought out and practical which makes them easier to follow and she provides the reader with specific ideas and examples to how the caretaker can make the changes needed to rid themselves of the power that the BP or NP has over them. . . . [T]he book is excellent material for anyone that is living with or has any involvement with a BP or a NP, close or distant, since the book fosters understanding of the disorders and the need of the caretaker. The book can be of great use to psychology student, especially those in clinical psychology or those focusing on personality disorders.
Addiction / Sucht / Adicción
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissistis refreshingly no-nonsense, provides lots of useful hints on how to put this self-care model into practice while at the same time informing thoroughly and in no uncertain terms about the BP/NP's view of the world. It is a most helpful book!

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Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781442220195
Publisher:
Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Publication date:
02/07/2013
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
190
Sales rank:
87,731
File size:
326 KB

Meet the Author

Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, specializing in work with clients who are in relationship to someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, and she facilitates groups on Caretaker recovery. She has previously been an Adjunct Faculty member at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento.

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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life 3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had to laugh at the last reviewer because their response is so clearly BP/NP. People who have BP/NP are extremely difficult to live with and make everyone else around them miserable. They never take responsibility for their lives but blame all their problems on anyone and everything else. This is a good companion book to Stop Walking on Eggshells.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Yet another rant from some pathetic victim of an evil borderline. I wish these people would at least bother to do some research first but i guess its true that ignorance is bliss. So rant on and revel in your ignorance. And thank your lucky stars that you dont have to suffer from bpd.