The Sweet Potato Queens' Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide

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Overview

You are cordially invited to attend...

The Sweet Potato Queens are bona fide experts at planning a marvelous marriage (and ending one—flip this book right on over if you're looking for advice on dumping a deadweight hubby!), so who better to provide this handy wedding planner? And even if you're not planning your own nuptials, surely you have dreamt about your perfect day, regardless of whether you've met Mr. Right yet! In this essential manual, you'll learn:

• How to plan a ...

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Sweet Potato Queens' Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide

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Overview

You are cordially invited to attend...

The Sweet Potato Queens are bona fide experts at planning a marvelous marriage (and ending one—flip this book right on over if you're looking for advice on dumping a deadweight hubby!), so who better to provide this handy wedding planner? And even if you're not planning your own nuptials, surely you have dreamt about your perfect day, regardless of whether you've met Mr. Right yet! In this essential manual, you'll learn:

• How to plan a truly regal wedding

• What to wear (and what not to wear) to your own wedding, or to anyone else's

• How to organize the sassiest games and sauciest entertainment for the occasion

• How to plan and prepare the greasiest, tastiest wedding vittles for your big-ass guests

You are hereby summoned to appear . . .

The Sweet Potato Queens know a thing or two about ending a marriage (and beginning one—flip this book on over if you’re planning on attaching yourself to the ol' ball and chain!), so who better to provide this crucial divorce guide? Besides, whether you’re getting your own personal divorce or not, chances are you’ll be calling Mr. Right Mr. I-Don’t-Think-So sometime in the future! In this practical handbook, you'll learn:

• How to survive even the nastiest divorce while maintaining your queenly composure

• Why it’s appropriate—and necessary!—to throw divorce showers and send out divorce announcements

• Why love is even better the second, third, or fourth time around

From the Hardcover edition.

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
With the fifth raucous outing in her indefatigable series, Browne and her fallen Southern belles make the leap from trade paperback original to hardcover. This hilarious reference is a one-stop relationship shopper's dream: start from the front and it's a wedding planner; flip the book over and it's a divorce guide. Boasting "around thirteen marriages and eight divorces-so far-not to mention more than 300 combined years of valuable experience," Browne and her fellow Queens offer sage advice, dire warnings and sidesplitting anecdotes for women who could use "some sympathy, some understanding, some refreshments and a little fucking help around here." Between offering tips on how to save money on weddings and avoid manslaughter charges during divorces, Browne also teaches her own language course in Southern-speak, which she dubs "Y'allbonics," and shares recipes encouraging "balloonia" over bulimia. As funny as Browne can be, her powerful underlying message has always been preaching empowerment to women who feel they have no options ("Quit investing your life in a relationship that's bringing you only minimal returns. Don't be skeert of going for more"). No wonder, according to www.SweetPotatoQueens.com, there are nearly 4,800 worldwide chapters devoted to Browne's fun-loving and life-affirming teachings. (Jan.) Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
Library Journal
Since Browne's previous Sweet Potato Queen books have hit the top spot on the New York Times best sellers list, you'll probably want this tongue-in-check guide on planning great weddings and even greater divorces. With a tour of 20 mostly Deep South cities, but watch out, New York and Fairbanks. Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781400049691
  • Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 12/27/2005
  • Pages: 304
  • Product dimensions: 5.70 (w) x 7.80 (h) x 1.10 (d)

Meet the Author

Jill Conner Browne
Jill Conner Browne is the author of the #1 New York Times bestsellers The Sweet Potato Queens’ Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead and The Sweet Potato Queens’ Big-Ass Cookbook (and Financial Planner), as well as the national bestsellers The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love and God Save the Sweet Potato Queens. She is Boss Queen of the Sweet Potato Queens of Jackson, Mississippi.

From the Hardcover edition.

Biography

Those without a sense of humor need not read any further.

Now that that's out of the way, welcome to the world of Jill Conner Browne, self-proclaimed "Sweet Potato Queen" and internationally-proclaimed fabulously funny writer of romantic advice, tantalizingly tasty recipes, and -- now, for the first time -- rip-roaring fiction! While Browne is no doubt the queen-bee of the Sweet Potato set, apparently there are factions of other such queens all across the nation. You may even have one in your very own neighborhood; they can always be recognized by their flashy sunglasses, even flashier red fright wigs, their sly pseudonyms of "Tammy" (which they acquire to ‘protect their identities'), and the chilly margaritas inevitably clenched in their hands. The illustrious Sweet Potato Queens have all loved and lost, maybe they're approaching middle-age, and they certainly enjoy a bawdy tale as much as a frosty beverage. As their ranks continue to grow, Jill Conner Browne's popularity and success does, as well -- which is quite an improvement over her less than ideal beginnings.

About fifteen years ago, Browne was awash in financial troubles, twice divorced, and responsible for a little girl and a sickly mother. To combat her less-than-glamorous life, she and a clutch of friends took on the absurdly glamorous personas of the Sweet Potato Queens, parading around the streets of Mississippi in a sweet potato farm truck, dolled up in outrageous tiaras and feather boas. Soon enough the Sweet Potato Queens became something of a local phenomenon, which Browne parlayed into hilariously in-your-face columns about love, life, family, and men. The publication of her very first book The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love followed. The volume was an all-out explosion of ribald, good-natured advice (ex: "The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding") and, of course, a smashing recipe for the perfect margarita. With the massive success of Browne's first book, her life suddenly took a turn for the better and she became one of the hottest writers going. Her uproarious sequel God Save the Sweet Potato Queens solidified Browne's status as a role model for other women looking to break out of their shells. The book offered up more advice ("Dating for the advanced, or advancing"; "The joys of marriage -- if you must"), as well as more lip-smacking recipes.

Such recipes were the chief focus of The Sweet Potato Queens' Big-Ass Cookbook (and Financial Planner) , a carefree compendium of secret recipes ("The Gooiest Cake in the World"; "Bitch Bar Bacon Swimps") and some tongue-in-cheek financial advice ("Hope that Daddy lives forever").

By now, the Sweet Potato Queens had grown into a veritable nationwide army, eager to devour new titles like The Sweet Potato Queens' Field Guide to Men and The Sweet Potato Queens' Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide. With The Sweet Potato Queens' First Big-Ass Novel, Browne's first foray into fiction, the origin of the Queens is finally (and fictionally) revealed. Publishers Weekly for one hopes that Conner's debut as a novelist is just the beginning of her fiction career, declaring it "a GEN-U-WINE page-turner of a novel" and rhapsodizing, "Browne's hilarious and heartwarming debut sets sturdy groundwork for future fictional follies."

Good To Know

Now that Browne has introduced the world to the Sweet Potato Queens via her hilarious books, she is continuing to spread the word in person. She regularly does public appearance tours in which she speaks "about all things Queenly."

Browne is not the only writer in the Conner clan. Her sister Judy is the author of the similarly humorous Southern Fried Divorce.

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Read an Excerpt

The Sweet Potato Queens' Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide


By Jill Conner Browne

Random House

Jill Conner Browne
All right reserved.

ISBN: 1400049695


Chapter One

Chapter 1

Pre-Wed

One of the Queens, TammyPippa, owns an architectural salvage company, Backroads Architecturals. This delicate flower of womanhood goes out and tears down old houses and buildings with her own hands and hauls off the good parts to sell to home-building folks with good taste. (Her husband, Charles, does help out.) In one of the fine old houses she was deconstructing, TammyPippa discovered a little paperback book that no doubt had been hidden away because of the shocking nature of its contents. Called The Book of Nature, this thin tract was written and sold in the early 1920s for a dollar. The cover notes proclaim it to be for "the married and those intending to marry--a complete explanation of all." TammyPippa called me immediately.

I raced over to pick up the book and found plenty of explanations I've been wanting for quite some time. I was expecting to sleep much sounder in the future after getting all my troubling questions answered and all. I also expected to acquire the knowledge to settle a number of unduly vexing issues for you, my readers.

I knew in the opening pages of the book that I had come to the right place. The author, a guy, stated that some other guy had possibly exaggerated when he said that the reproduction of the species is the only duty a woman has to fulfill in human society. Hmmmm? That other guy gave me pause, I gotta tell you. I'm thinking, okay, fine, have it your way, buckwheat. We'll reproduce 'em, and then we will be punching out. Everything else--everything else--is now your problem. Since you're so fucking smart, here's a bunch of babies for you. We're going out for margaritas and then we'll be napping. We've fulfilled our duty to society. Good luck with them kids!

To smooth things over, the author wrote that he personally thinks that there are women who have brains as well as ovaries. He was not making a rash, blanket statement of generalization, of course, but simply conceding that it might've happened sometime, somewhere. There are whole piles of women who never have children, he opined, but care for the children of others and thereby may be performing an even greater service than the actual production of children.

What makes me even crazier than reading this kinda crap from some guy--even if it was written eighty years ago--is seeing women still buying into it today! Young girls are still going off to college with not a thought in their heads about getting an education that will lead to an actual job so they can go out into the world as self-actualized, self-supporting people. There are far too many enrolled in Pre-Wed, only to survey the crop of prospective husbands who might be manipulated, cajoled, or otherwise convinced to support them for the rest of their lives--men who'll simply take up where Daddy left off.

I know a little about this kind of thinking. Remember, my own personal financial plan for the future was that my daddy would live forever. I never considered interviewing other potential candidates for the position, and I certainly never thought about taking care of my ownself. As far as I was concerned, Daddy had a lifetime appointment, and his lifetime would naturally coincide with my own. When all of a sudden his life was over, there I was with a whole bunch of my life left and no Daddy to finance or direct it. Huh? Now, there's a quandary for you, right there.

So what did I do? The only thing I thought I could do--I looked for another man to take his place! Let me just tell you, if you find yourself in a similar situation now or ever, this ain't the answer. In fact, it is the very antithesis of the answer.

Now, don't misunderstand me. There's a cosmic difference between having someone who supports you and fixes things and handles all the pesky details of the financial side of life and believing that you need someone to support you and fix things and handle all the pesky details. Hunny, I am all for sitting on your ass and being waited on hand and foot--it's great work if you can get it--as long as you know, firsthand, that you could do it for yourownself, should the need or desire ever arise.

Because, lemme tell you something else I learned the very hard way: Every potential husband is a potential ex-husband or even a potential dead husband, and you need a plan just in case either scenario develops down the road. And sometimes (make that usually), whether he leaves your life upright or feet first, he leaves behind a big ole mess, and who do you think gets to clean it up all by herself? Don't be looking around. It's you, sweetie.

Remember how you felt as a teenager, chafing against your parents but having to do what they said because of the "my house, my rules" deal? And how as a young adult, you still had to please them some to hang on to their support because you just couldn't make it on your own yet? Remember how that felt? Well, imagine that you're forty and have no education. You quit school to get married, and you haven't had a paying job in twenty years. You've got one or two children and a fair amount of debt, and your husband is a screaming asshole. Yet the thought of leaving is more terrifying than the thought of staying--because you're totally dependent on him.

If you're gonna go to college for Pre-Wed, I insist that you also take a full course in Pre-Death/Pre-Divorce and get yourself an education that will prepare you for the "unthinkable situation"--taking care of yourself and possibly a bunch of children by yourself for a large part of your life. You'll sleep a whole lot better, I promise. Parents will sleep better, too, if they help their children learn this.

Groom Selection Process

Once you're living in the world of reality, you're ready to think about the Groom Selection Process. Our precious Queen Loni had a fascinating screening process, which she used with felicitous results for quite some time. Loni had the great good fortune to live near a very gifted psychic named Bonnie, who could "read" photographs of people and was never known to err. Bob was the guy du jour in Loni's life, and she wanted Bonnie's stamp of approval on him--or not, as it were. So the next time Bob came over, Loni told him her daughter, Jackie, had just gotten a new camera and would Bob mind too much, you know, humoring the ten-year-old and posing for a picture? He was only too happy to oblige; it was, after all, a photo of him.

Loni then took several pictures over to Bonnie for a "reading," slipping Bob's into the mix. Bonnie spread them all out on a table and gazed at them thoughtfully and mystically for a brief moment, and then, with no hesitation, she snatched up the photo of Bob and in tones dripping vitriol, said, "Who's this prick?" Loni said hesitantly that, well, it was Bob, who was kinda her new boyfriend. Bonnie put the ole ix-nay to him quick, declaring Bob unfit for human consumption--a foul-tempered, lyin'-ass drunk. (Don't you love her quaint economy of words, cutting right to the heart of the matter?)

Then Bonnie conjured up another revelation from the images, which Loni had selected randomly, somewhat as a test for the psychic. Bob was the only one Loni had wanted the scoop on, and he had been promptly culled, but in the mix was a photo of a friend of Loni's, a young man, a very young man, a man twenty years younger than Loni to be exact. When Bonnie came upon this photo, she picked it up and said, "Your ship has finally come in." She pronounced to thirty-nine-year-old Loni that nineteen-year-old Jim was her perfect match. Loni laughed nervously and left. She had a lot to think about now, for sure. She hadn't expected anything like what Bonnie had just laid on her--not about Bob and certainly not about Jim.

In a very short time, Bob revealed himself to be the very same foul-tempered, lyin'-ass drunk Bonnie had described, and Loni ran him right on out the door. And, by and by, young Jim commenced to coming around pretty regular, and he finally convinced Loni that she needed to pay attention. And, well--you guessed it--Loni and Jim have been very happy together ever since. Who'da thunk it? Well, Bonnie, for one.

It's a crying shame that the very gifted Bonnie has since departed this life. She was a wonderful human being and she's greatly missed by all her family and friends, I'm sure. But hey! She would have been a service to womankind had she lived long enough to provide this excellent screening service to us all. She could have had a website, and all we'd have to do was e-mail her a guy's picture for new divinations, saving us untold hours of heartache and tears, not to mention pain, money, and wear and tear on our friends. I'd a whole lot rather pay an anonymous psychic a buttload of money to tell me some guy's a lyin', cheatin' sackashit than listen to it for free from my girlfriends--or worse, open my own personal eyeballs to what's smack in front of 'em. But no, Bonnie's dead and gone, and we are just all on our own, winging it here. It behooves us one and all to Be Particular.

That sweet Seattle Queen Natalie wrote me with a question about a vitally important issue. She's only about thirty and therefore larva, as we know (women under forty are larvae in SPQueendom), but she was doing the right thing and seeking counsel from me and dipping into the vast storehouse of knowledge and experience held in trust by my Queendom. Natalie had had, it seems, the great good fortune of a Southern birth and childhood in North Carolina, but along about her mid-twenties, her parents divorced and her mama decided she needed to move to the other side of the country for a breather. Our Natalie decided that sounded good to her too, so she loaded up and moved off to Seattle with Mama. For a few years she was liking it out there just fine. She and Mama both have good jobs and share a home they love, but . . . (You knew there would be a but in there, didn't you? Me, too.)

Everything is fine, Queen Natalie said, but she is 100 percent not attracted to the men out there. It took her a little while to figure out why the local guys were off-putting in such a big way, but it finally dawned on her: They don't smell right to her. She had grown up around--and learned to love--men who smelled like pit barbecue and the occasional oil change. The men out there smell like decidedly unmanly things like cologne and mocha lattes. I see her problem. I feel her pain.

Natalie was shocked to learn her olfactory sense played such a big part in her love life. I was not at all surprised. I've known firsthand for years that most of us humans really and truly cannot get past the end of our own noses. Smell matters. A lot, they say. ("They" are famous scientists in France, I suppose. I worked with a guy once who was always claiming to have read about major breakthroughs in whatever bullshit he was peddling that day. When questioned, he always attributed the breakthroughs to "famous scientists in France.") Anyway, they say that blindfolded mothers can identify their own newborn babies by smell. I haven't tried to do that, but I do know that the smell of a baby's head--and yes, in particular, my own baby's head--is just about the most highly addictive, thrilling, and yet soporific fragrance I have ever personally encountered.

When my own precious daughter, Bailey, was a wee babe, I would lie down with her for a nap and curl her tiny body into the curve of my own and fall asleep breathing her scent. I'd drink in the smell of her the way a recovering drunk sucks on a cigarette. If I could've stuffed her entire body up my nose, I would have. I can still close my eyes and remember the feeling I'd get from that fragrance--but maddeningly, I can't conjure up the actual smell. (Now, there's a great thing for somebody to figure out how to bottle. Forget "new car." If you could offer a mother a tub of something that smelled exactly like her own baby's head, well, there's a fortune waiting to be made right there, is all I'm saying.)

The smell of a man has always been of paramount importance to me, too. Natalie was blindsided by her nose--but not me. I've always trusted mine. There've been men I liked just fine at first meeting, but upon the first close contact--HUP! YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! Not that they smelled bad--who would even go out with a stinky guy? No, they just didn't smell "right" to me. The right triggers just weren't firing, and that was that. And we're not talking about cologne here--we're talking about skin. The particular hot spot for me is the skin in the area where their jaw meets their neck, and drifting on down to where their neck joins their shoulders. I'll hug a guy and give him a good neck snort and see what registers. The right smell will give me a definite "twitch."

Your nose--or at least my nose--will sometimes know when a relationship has ended before your brain does. I remember one relationship in particular that was going from bad to worse, but I was still hanging on in that inexplicable way we too frequently do. After an exceptionally bad boyfriend day, he hauled off and hugged me, and I stuck my nose in that neck spot and sniffed, and boy hidee, I'll tell you, I just knew. We had hugged--and everything else--our last time. He no longer smelled right to me. He weren't mine--and more important, I weren't his no mo'.

But back to Queen Natalie's question for me. What she wanted to know was did I think that she should suck it up and stick it out in Seattle and hope to (a) happen on the only barbecue chef in the Great Northwest, (b) change her taste in smells, or (c) just become a none (like a nun, only without the religious theme)? Or should she (d) go into debt to finance a move back to the South to sniff out her Mr. Right? I think you know what I advised.


Excerpted from The Sweet Potato Queens' Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide by Jill Conner Browne Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 13 )
Rating Distribution

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Sort by: Showing all of 13 Customer Reviews
  • Posted October 2, 2009

    Weddings or do we just want the cake, and girls will we eat it/

    If you want to laugh out loud for real as opposed to LOL in a text buy this and eat it with of course cake. If you have even seen a wedding cake in a movie, this is for you. When you make-up or break up or just feel, couldn't I have a big wedding - even if I never find a prince or a charming?

    Remember bride costumes, well I do but never saw a groom costume. After reading this, I say forget the groom, have the whole catered wedding with your best gal pals, they will notice all of your or the caterer's hard work. Then let the celebration begin, eat cake twice or have two kinds of cake.

    Get in bed with sweets and a good red or champagne, and prepare to laugh until your stomach aches.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted August 16, 2009

    The Sweet Potato Queens Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide

    Jill Conner Browne tops herself everytime she writes another SPQ book. I have given this valuable book to several friends for planning their wedding. Hopefully they will not have to use the other half of the book for a divorce. But women can never be unprepared for the future.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2008

    A Must-Read!

    I picked this book up on a whim because I've checked out most of the library's other wedding planning books already. Although it's not your typical wedding planner, that soon turns out to be every reason in the world to read this book. It made me laugh out loud--both the wedding and divorce halves. It made me relax about continuing to plan my wedding, made me even prouder to be a woman than before (which was really proud), and made me fall in love with the SPQ. I firmly believe every woman--and probably every man--should read this book no matter what their romantic situation. Jill Connor Browne is a trail-blazer, a genius, a talented writer, and definitely a role model for all ages.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 11, 2006

    Fan-tabulous

    I read the reviews before purchasing this book, and bought it anyway. BOY AM I GLAD I DID. I only smiled reading some of the other 'southern humor' books, but roared out loud with laughter at all of the Sweet Potato Queen books. In fact, they are so funny and such great escapes, each time I have a friend going through a tough time, I buy the Sweet Potato Queen Book of Love book for them, knowing they will devour it, and go buy all of the rest! Gosh, I love these books!!!!! I swear Jill Conner Browne is hilarious. You will laugh yourself silly reading these.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 2, 2006

    Two Books in One - How Handy!

    Proving that there can, in fact, be a book to guide you through every relationship transition, Jill Connor Browne provides the Sweet Potato Queens' Wedding Planner and Divorce Guide. It's a compilation of some of the Best Advice Ever Given from Jill, the Tammys, and the thousands of Wannabe Wannabes across the globe on the subjects of marriage and divorce. Whether you're beginning or ending the processes, there's something for you in this book. Grab a Fat Mama's and settle in for some belly laughs, just be sure to pick this book up!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 2, 2006

    Trash- waste of money

    Conner-Brownes books seem to get worse with each following year. More garbage solicted from her readers and hangers-on at the message board of love, lightly edited and slapped between covers. Save your money for a Yaya Book.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 3, 2006

    The above review is false

    I am the REAL AL_QT. I love this latest book from Jill Conner Browne, It is a wonderful example of Southern Humor and I love it. Hooray for Jill Conner Browne!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 3, 2006

    AL_QT Rejoinder

    This book is hilariously funny, and so true it'll make your toes curl. Give it a read, you'll be glad you did. (Makes a great gift for girlfriends, too) The silly fool who wrote the sadsack review is one of those internet jerks with no life. It puts the lotion on its skin..........

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 28, 2006

    AL_QT Speaks

    This book is not the best ever written by Jill Connor Browne. It contains lots of four-letter-words and is inappropriate for many people who are easily offended by bawdy language and overt sexual content. It is loosely labeled as 'southern humor' so be careful. I frequent the accompanying Messageboard of Love website that goes along with this book and I must say that newcomers are unwelcome and will be treated rudely until they leave.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 26, 2008

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 12, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted April 21, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted April 30, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

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