Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage: Four Steps to Getting Back on Track

Overview

Award-winning couples therapist Peter Fraenkel argues that most relationship problems can be traced to partners being out of sync on the powerful but mostly hidden dimension of time.  Differences in daily rhythms, personal pace, punctuality, time perspective, and priorities about how time is allocated can all lead to couple conflict.  Yet the fascinating fact is that these polarizing time differences play a potent role in attracting lovers in the first place. In this trailblazing new book, he draws on ...

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Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage: Four Steps to Getting Back on Track

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Overview

Award-winning couples therapist Peter Fraenkel argues that most relationship problems can be traced to partners being out of sync on the powerful but mostly hidden dimension of time.  Differences in daily rhythms, personal pace, punctuality, time perspective, and priorities about how time is allocated can all lead to couple conflict.  Yet the fascinating fact is that these polarizing time differences play a potent role in attracting lovers in the first place. In this trailblazing new book, he draws on his original research to show how a clearer understanding of these forces can improve the health of your relationship and even rescue a failing one.

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Clinical psychologist and family therapist Fraenkel examines an oft-explored question (how to make the modern marriage work?) with a unique approach: music. Drawing from his own experience as a jazz percussionist, Fraenkel (The Relational Trauma of Incest, with Marcia Sheinberg) considers time and rhythm key components to the successful relationship. "You can't understand your anger with your partner until you realize the huge, underlying differences in your pace, your tempo-that what's angering you is how slowly he gets things done around the house, while he feels frustrated that you're always trying to complete tasks at the speed of light." What may have worked during courtship (having unique personalities or conflicting schedules) can cause problems in the long haul. In simple terms, Fraenkel offers a handful of methods for re-tooling and strengthen connections, and reminds readers that we need to learn to listen as well as we talk. We also need to receive and give compliments. And, just as "everyone in a band gets a solo," we need to learn how to balance individuality and togetherness. A welcome take on a well-trod topic in an increasingly crowded field.
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From the Publisher
"In simple terms, Fraenkel offers a handful of methods for re-tooling and strengthen connections, and reminds readers that we need to learn to listen as well as we talk ... A welcome take on a well-trod topic in an increasingly crowded field." —Publishers Weekly 

“Time has been called the "new currency" in today's world with too much to do and not enough time to do it. Yet each of us manages these pressures in different ways. In a fascinating new book, Peter Fraenkel shows us how our approaches to time and the rhythms of our lives spill over into our couple relationships. Even more importantly, he offers practical suggestions for improving.” —Ellen Galinsky, President, Families and Work Institute, Author of Mind in the Making

"Couples today are time starved and out of sync.  Peter Fraenkel has devised a powerful set of tools to help couples take on the challenges of time pressure, overstuffed work schedules, and contemporary life's frenetic pace, so that partners can reconnect, revitalize, and preserve their relationship."—Evan Imber-Black, author of The Secret Life of Families

“A very timely book on a topic that all couples deal with. … Peter Fraenkel helps us understand that our internal pace and couple rhythm are hidden under virtually all issues, and he uncovers the mystery of time in ways that will amaze and engage all readers.”—Howard Markman, Co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies and author of Fighting for Your Marriage

“Peter Fraenkel puts forth some of the most pertinent and useful ideas about the time famine that afflicts couples today.  You must take the time, read this timely book and find out how you can redeem your relationship from the time crunch. Peter Fraenkel is an inspiring writer and an inspired therapist. You are sure to enjoy your time with him.”—Esther Perel, Author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Domestic and the Erotic.

“Some say ‘sex,’ some say ‘money,’ but Peter Fraenkel says ‘time.’ In this brilliant book, Peter Fraenkel, master clinician, teacher and researcher, illuminates how couples construct and manage time—the ‘hidden dimension’ in couple’s lives. This book will help couples and therapists understand the critical but seldom acknowledged role that time plays in couple conflicts, alienation and loss of intimacy. Even more importantly, Fraenkel presents the guidelines he has evolved over years of practice and reflection to help couples learn to manage time more effectively—to get in synch with each other. The goal of ‘flow’ and the road to get there are the great contributions of this wonderful book.”—William Pinsof, President, The Family Institute at Northwestern University

"Peter Fraenkel has written an outstanding guide for couples and families who want to take charge of the time crunch and transform their lives for the better.  In a highly readable and often humorous style, Sync Your Relationship gathers the evidence for why we need to take back our time, and then he shows us how to do it.  If you want to build a happy, healthy relationship, read this book!"—John de Graaf, co-author, Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic and Executive Director of Take Back Your Time

“Whether you play in a band, do corporate work, are an air traffic controller or are part of a comedy troupe, timing and team work are essential.  Peter Fraenkel's new book deftly shows how couples will thrive once they start playing the same tune.”—John Riley, jazz drummer

“Peter Fraenkel analyses, with immaculate timing and much humour, common dysfunctional couple 'arrhythmias', and he provides many solutions to stuck 'dance routines' as well as terrific tips on how partners can jazz up their relationship. Unique and most refreshing!”—Eia Asen, M.D., author of Multi-Family Therapy and Visiting Professor, University College London

“Most things in life come and go, but time only goes. Often the love goes with it. In this remarkably creative new look at relationships, Peter Fraenkel helps us see how our invisible relationship to time shapes our lives and our intimate connections with others.  Then he gently and compassionately guides couples away from the despair of core differences and into an appreciative dance of complimentary personalities. I heartily recommend this book for any couple that wants to get ‘that swing’ back into their marriage.”—Christopher K. Germer, Ph.D., author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion and Clinical Instructor, Harvard Medical School

“All couples struggle with the rhythms of family, business and personal priorities.  So your relationship had better be in sync.  Peter Frankel sheds unique light on the key challenges couples face, and addresses them in a way that is extremely consumable, and most importantly, actionable.”—Gregory T. Rogers, founder and president RayLign Advisory

“Peter Fraenkel’s book offers an original and profoundly accessible way for people to think about their relationships.  It is striking because what he points out is so intuitively obvious: time and rhythm are so deeply part of us, as underlying and organizing themes to our interactions, we don’t even notice them. By calling them to our attention we do notice and so can make use of them constructively.  The book is alive with insights and examples that enable the readers to observe their relationships freshly, with easily applicable tools.  For the professional, the book’s approach newly illuminates our knowledge.  I found it very helpful to recast many techniques and insights into the language of time offered here. Its sensible deconstruction of the Time Muths and the Relationship Rhythms Analysis are both especially liberating and useful.”—Janet Reibstein, Ph.D., author of The Best Kept Secret: Men’s and Women’s Stories of Lasting Love

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780230618145
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Press
  • Publication date: 3/15/2011
  • Pages: 272
  • Sales rank: 1,456,774
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 9.30 (h) x 1.30 (d)

Meet the Author

Peter Fraenkel Ph.D. is an internationally-known couple therapist with over 20 years of experience in private practice. A professor of clinical psychology at the City University of New York, where he teaches couple and family therapy, he is the founder and director of the Ackerman Institute for the Family's Center for Work and Family, former Vice President of the American Family Therapy Academy, and past director of the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP©) at NYU’s Child Study Center.  Dr. Fraenkel has appeared frequently as a relationship expert on national and international television and radio, and in newspapers and magazines, including the New York Times, New York Post, New York Observer, O Magazine, Redbook, SELF, Parent Guide, and Men's Health.  He serves as a board member of the Take Back Your Time initiative.  Married and the father of two children, in his spare time, he is a professional jazz drummer and draws upon his knowledge of music to provide a unique perspective on the rhythms of romantic relationships.

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Table of Contents

1 Time and Rhythm: The Hidden Dimension of Intimacy 1

2 Time in Mind: Revealing and Balancing Your Basic Time Types 27

3 The Tortoise and the Hare: Making Peace with Pace Differences 55

4 Syncing Your Relationship Rhythms 87

5 Time Perspective: Prioritizing the Past, Present, and Future 109

6 Resolving Struggles about Punctuality 131

7 The Great Juggling Act, Part I: Balancing Work Time and Relationship Time 151

8 The Great Juggling Act, Part II: Couple Strategies for Balancing Work Time and Relationship Time 177

9 Syncing and Flowing as a Couple 205

Acknowledgments 239

Notes 243

Index 261

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Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews
  • Posted March 28, 2011

    Simply Amazing

    Extremely well written book on how being in sync with your partner has such great impact on the quality of the relationship. In this day and age when time managment is a huge priority, how do we find time to tarry with those most intimate to us. This book is a huge help when trying to figure small changes in everyday life, that can get you and your partner back on same track.

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